Doubt

No intended pairings in this fic; just friendship.

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Unlikely as it was, Remus half expected to see Sirius on his doorstep when he opened his door. Whenever there'd been a big round of mischief at school, Remus would hear about it through other Gryffindor students, sometimes through the castle ghosts, and, fifth year or later, from other prefects. Then James or Sirius would run to him with a look of wild excitement and say some variation of "Hide me!" or "If anyone asks, we were in the library all evening!" Always with a wild excitement in the eyes, a thrill in the voice--and trust. Moony will get us out of this. Good old Moony.

But it wouldn't be like that this time. James was dead.

That could only mean that Sirius had given up the Potters' location. Willingly, or unwillingly, Remus couldn't be sure anymore. His first thought had been, Poor, poor Sirius. They must have tortured him horribly. They may even have killed him. But the next day's newspaper proved that Sirius was alive and healthy. He'd dueled Peter Pettigrew in the street, and killed him by all accounts. Another Marauder down. Two to go.

With James murdered by Voldemort and Peter killed by Sirius, Remus wasn't sure he wanted to be the last one standing. The world wasn't a place where an animagus could solve anything, after all. He was alone now, and all those promises his friends had made him were empty. Promises like, "We'll guard your secret better than you do yourself."

James had once told him, "Other people might be afraid, but we know you. Sirius and Peter and me--we know you're worth your salt, and we'll stick by you. No matter what, understand? We'll be there for you."

Remus hadn't quite been reassured. Being a werewolf was harder than anyone could know. "I just don't think I can ever...be my own person," he said.

"You may be right about that," James said softly. "Because you'll always be ours."

The plans they had made. Before James had become completely obsessed with Lily Evans, they'd planned to find a place for all the Marauders to stay together.

"We'll live like kings," James had said.

"Don't we already?" Sirius had responded.

We were such fools, Remus thought bitterly. How could we ever have thought that life was that simple?

When he opened the door and saw that it actually was Sirius on his doorstep, Remus nearly allowed himself to slip back into that childish world in which everything really would be OK in the end. But the look on Sirius's face stopped him.

"Well..." Sirius said at last, "can I come in?"

Feeling weak and confused, Remus stepped aside and let Sirius move past him. "I...er...didn't hear the bike," he said at last.

"Haven't got it anymore." Sirius went to Remus's small sitting room and collapsed on the couch. "Gave it to that lump, Hagrid."

"Oh." Remus settled himself in a chair and stared at Sirius uneasily. "Why's that?"

"Didn't need it to find Wormtail. That's all I wanted to do. Well, I found him."

"I know." When Sirius looked questioningly at him, Remus passed a copy of the Daily Prophet to the reclining man. "It's all over about how Peter met you to duel and you blew him to smithereens and killed a crowd of Muggles, too."

Sirius's eyes moved over the paper and he shook his head. "They've got it wrong, Moony. I didn't kill Peter. Merlin knows I wanted to, but I didn't do it. Didn't kill those Muggles either. I think Peter killed himself by accident and took out the Muggles in the process."

Remus was shocked. Sirius had always been a good liar--was this story just ridiculous enough to be the truth instead of one of his more believable lies? "But...how could he kill himself by accident?"

"How should I know? We never knew he had it in him to shift shape either, but he managed it in the end...the rat! I'd spit, but I don't want to defile your rug."

"Sirius...Peter went to find you because you'd broken James and Lily's protection. It was ill-done of him, but he was acting out of grief."

Now Sirius stared at Remus as if the werewolf had begun transforming under a new moon. "Because I... Oh, no. You don't--didn't anyone...?"

"I don't blame you," Remus said quickly. "You must have gone through hell-fire before you gave up the secret. I'm surprised you survived at all."

Sirius leaned forward and put his head in his hands. "I can't believe James didn't tell you! No wonder--this is horrible. Surely he told someone!"

"Told someone what?"

"The secret-keeper. He changed secret-keepers. But no one will believe that now, of course." Sirius proceeded to swear fluently into his hands.

Remus tried to make sense of what Sirius had said. "He changed secret-keepers? But you're his best friend.... Did Dumbledore know?"

"Apparently not," Sirius moaned. "He probably would have told you by now. James switched from me to Peter because...because...oh--" he broke off into more cursing.

Remus left his chair and sat on the sofa by Sirius. "Peter was secret-keeper? But...why? He's never been exactly...the most competent..."

"I know," Sirius growled. "Don't make it worse. It's all my fault. I'm the one who was afraid I couldn't handle it! I'm the one who asked Peter if he'd do it! I'm the one who felt so bloody relieved when it was done--I'm the reason poor Harry's the Boy Who Lived when he should be a boy who's got parents to teach him how to live.... If I'd had a little more Gryffindor courage, James and Lily might still be alive, and Harry wouldn't have to be taken who-knows-where to grow up with who-knows-who...!"

Remus could see that Sirius was near the breaking point. He wanted to comfort him, but he thought if he touched him, his friend might really crack. "Sirius," he said softly.

"What good is being his godfather," Sirius went on in a choked voice, "if, when he really needs a guardian, they won't let me have him? They won't even tell me where he's going! I may never get the chance to tell that poor kid how sorry I am!" Then he really did break down, and couldn't get out anything intelligible for several minutes.

Remus put an arm around Sirius and waited for him to calm down. "Whatever you might have done," he said, when he was confident he would be heard, "it's no good now. Someday, I'm sure you'll have your chance for Harry to forgive you. But for now...you're on the run, aren't you? As you said, if James didn't tell anyone he'd changed secret-keepers, no one will believe you. And now they all think you've killed Peter."

"Wish I had. Better yet, I wish I'd got hold of him and made him spill everything and then killed him. I wonder if they had to pay him or if he gave up the secret the moment he saw his first Death Eater."

"For all you know, he may have been tortured."

"He should have let them kill him. I realize now we could never have expected Wormtail to give up his life, even for a best mate. Not that I know I'd have been strong enough, but...." He gave a shuddering sigh. "It's so wrong. We've faced down You-Know-Who and his followers so many times--James defied You-Know-Who outright--three times, for heaven's sake! And yet, something so tiny and harmless-seeming got him killed. Murdered."

He still wasn't sure he completely believed Sirius, but Remus thought his grief seemed sincere. Even if Sirius was lying through his teeth, Remus didn't want to see him come to harm. He'd lost too many friends already. "Listen, mate, we need to get you out of here. When the aurors start really looking for you, they'll try my place first. I don't want to turn you out, but it's not safe for you here."

Sirius laughed mirthlessly. "I don't much care, now. James is dead. Peter's dead, and good riddance. You-Know-Who's disappeared, or so they say. What's the point anymore?"

"That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard! I don't want to see you imprisoned or worse! And think of Harry. You said you want the chance to explain to him one day. If you meant that, you need to find a way to prove you didn't kill Peter."

"Fat chance of that," Sirius muttered, shoving the newspaper back at Remus. "Says all they found was a finger. And since there were Muggles involved, the Ministry will have cleared everything away from the scene. No evidence."

"Surely there were witnesses."

"The Muggles will have been Obliviated by now, and the wizards would have no reason to defend me."

"Well, you've got to run, then. Get far away from here, and when it's safe you can come back and make your peace with your godson."

"What will my godson think of the man who failed to avenge his parents and then ran away?"

"Dumbledore will work it out some way," Remus said desperately. "But for now, please go, Sirius! You're not safe here."

Sirius got slowly to his feet. "Dumbledore," he muttered. "No doubt he's already got a plan of some kind for keeping Harry safe. But one day the Wizarding world is going to wake up and realize that that man doesn't have all the answers after all."

Remus gave Sirius all the gold he had on-hand (not much, but the best he could do on such short notice) and saw him to the door of his flat.

"Please, take care of yourself," he said earnestly. "James would want you to. He'd want you to know Harry. You know that."

Sirius nodded and grasped the door handle. Then he paused and looked back. "Remus...you do believe me, don't you?" When Remus hesitated, he hurried on, "You don't have to believe everything I told you, just...please say you believe me."

Remus felt his heartbeat quickening, but he wasn't sure why. He had no reason to doubt Sirius, had he? "I...I want to believe you, Sier."

Sirius looked crushed.

"The important thing," Remus went on, hoping to reassure him, "is that I'm still your friend, and I don't think you've done anything to be ashamed of."

"You don't believe me."

"I believe you'd never do anything to hurt James. That much I'm sure of."

"Then...it will have to be enough," Sirius said with a touch of bitterness. "You're a decent bloke, Moony. It was good of you to help me out. Maybe...maybe I'll see you again some day."

Then it hit Remus that this really could be the last time he saw Sirius--the only other Marauder left. He reached around Sirius and pressed him close. "I believe you," he whispered.

Sirius hugged him back for just a moment before he yanked the door open and was gone.

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The next morning, Remus felt cold tears standing on his face, refusing to evaporate. He stared at the blurry image of the newspaper in his hand. He could just make out the headline: SIRIUS BLACK APPREHENDED. Sentenced to life imprisonment at the age of twenty-one. They'd caught him last night, just hours after he'd left Remus's home. He'd laughed when they'd arrested him. Laughed. Didn't that mean he'd gone off his head completely?

Full of confusion once more, he remembered Sirius looking back at him by the door: "Remus...you do believe me, don't you?"

"I want to," he said again, more fervently than ever.

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Twelve years later, another newspaper was in Remus's hand. How ironic, he mused, that the year I will be meeting Harry Potter for the first time--teaching him, in fact--is the year Sirius manages to escape.

He looked at his open suitcase and wondered if he should owl Dumbledore and say he couldn't accept the teaching post after all. He could be a danger to Harry. Black might try to get to Harry through him. But after all those years, Remus knew he needed to see Harry for himself. And if Sirius Black really was out to kill Harry, Remus would know better than anyone else how to keep Harry safe.

He had never told anyone that Sirius was an animagus. It hadn't seemed important at the time, since Sirius was in prison and didn't seem likely to escape. But part of him knew that there was another reason that would keep him from telling the secret until it was absolutely necessary: Sirius had kept his secret about being a werewolf--kept it better than Remus himself had managed to keep it, if you overlooked that one incident with Snape. And somewhere, deep down, he still wanted to believe.

Remus looked down at the photo of Sirius laughing that deranged laugh, trying to find his old friend somewhere in the prison-hardened face. He was about to drop the paper to the side when something in the dark eyes caught his attention. He would recognize those eyes anywhere, including in the face of a large, shaggy black dog. The laugh was crazed, but those eyes weren't. Those were the eyes of the scared kid who had scraped together the courage to leave the Black family before the end of their school days. They were the eyes of the broken young man that Remus had comforted in his home twelve years ago.

Slowly and gently, Remus tucked the newspaper into his suitcase. He remembered Sirius's plea to him from so long ago: "You don't have to believe everything I told you, just...please say you believe me."

Believe in the man who'd been convicted of murder and kept in prison for twelve years, growing loonier by the day? He studied the face now looking up out of his suitcase and found the eyes once more.

"I believe you, Padfoot."

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The End

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