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Chapter Three: Jade

The day went by fairly fast, the Marauders stopped talking to Lily and Lily went back to being invisible. She didn't mind much, she was used to it. Who'd want to be friends with the Marauders anyways? The common room was quite noisy and Lily was beginning to become aggrivated. It was the first day back and already her teachers piled her with some essays to write. At the moment, she was writing a two foot Potions essay on the uses of wolfsbane in potions. She growled in frustration, she was an inch and a half short and she didn't know what to write. However, her mind was on other things so she quickly jotted down something made up, rolled the horrible essay up, and shoved it in her bag. She finished all her homework, finally.

It was close to eleven o'clock and Lily looked up. The common room was emptying out, only a few stragglers remaining to finish some last minute homework. Lily searched the room curiously, she hadn't seen the Marauders since dinner. Not like she wanted to see them, but it was almost eleven and they had broken curfew. She thought of ways to get them in trouble but changed her mind. No one knew who she was, they wouldn't believe her. When Lily came back to reality she realized the common room was empty. Good, it was what she was waiting for. She pulled a slim black book from the bottom of her bag and flipped it open. She ran her finger along the page, before turning it--she did this a few times before she reached a blank page. Dipping her quill into the ink, she began to write.

'My emerald eyes beat through the black coat that hung loosely above them. Sadness plagues these eyes, sadness only the creator can see. A perpetual frown hides beneath a plastered smile, a frown only darkness can see. The same darkness that sheared my soul away in a scythe of fire, wrenching out every last ounce of happiness. A constant battle of contradicting emotions fighting until the death, a battle only my heart can see. A heart, which I do not own, continues to beat with strength. The only emotion I can control is love. But my love was wasted on him and I lost my heart forever. My mind--a whirlwind of dark, turbulent thoughts spoken only by silence. Never were words uttered from my frozen lips--only written with blood upon pallid skin which were soon cloaked with darkness. The darkness plunged deep beneath layers of dreams, into a layer of forgotten memories. Memories which haunted my childhood dreams, making me cry out with the loss of sleep. Memories which I locked beneath my skin, praying never to reveal again. But darkness awakens these horrid memories, flashing fragments behind closed eyes, burning wounds within my mind. These sad green eyes will never open again, these wounds will never heal. My heart will never beat again, my thoughts will never feel. My body was slain by the mere memory of torture unable to withstand the onslaught of emotions. It was my sadness that killed me in the end, the sadness I let consume me when I did not feel at all. Maybe if that plastered smile melted and let my emotions through--maybe they wouldn’t have suffocated me. I gave up tonight. I let darkness win.'

Lily sat motionless, tears slipping from her eyes as she stared at the foreign words she just wrote. Her eyes danced with sadness and she stared into the fire, watching the embers glowing brilliantly. Even the sound of the portrait hole opening and the sound of laughter filling the empty common room did not ruin Lily's concentration on the burning embers. The echo of laughter bounced throughout the room and stopped, causing an eerie silence as the Marauders entered their common room, their safe ground. They began walking towards their dormitories before they noticed a figure sitting on a couch before the fire. The red-hair was unmistakably Lily's. They cast a curious glance towards her, wondering why she was still awake. The fire lit up her flushed face tinged with tears that reflected the flames off her cheeks, her diary lay open in her lap and the quill lay lifeless in her hand. Lily gazed into the fire, like she could see something the boys could not.

It was a few moments before any movement was made. Remus made his way over to the couch and gently touched Lily's shoulders. Her eyes focused and she snapped her head in Remus' direction, staring at his inquisitive face. She blushed. She let the Marauders see her, vulnerable and weak. Remus' eyes penetrated her soul and she closed her eyes, hoping to obstruct his view through her eyes, the window to her desperate soul, hoping to enclose the tears that wouldn't stop falling.

Remus let his hand rest on Lily's shoulder, James and Sirius walked towards Lily, facing her, blocking her fire light. Peter went upstairs, muttering something about not having time for her. Lily took in a sharp breath and opened her eyes again, now not only was Remus staring into her soul, so were Sirius and James.

She groaned, "Come to make fun of me, Potter? I'm here, weak and vulnerable, come to bring me down again?"

James shook his head, "No, Lily. I think we got off on the wrong foot," any plan of getting her back soon vanished from his mind. "Give us a chance," he said, referring to the Marauders.

"Why should I?" she asked, "Why do you suddenly have such an interest in social outcast, Lily Evans? The girl, no one knows exists. I liked my life like that! I didn't want to be a someone," she sobbed, "I wanted to be left alone. Why do you want to be my friend?" Her body shook and Remus' hand tightened its grip.

It was Sirius' turn to speak, "Lily, we apologize for not noticing you before. We were blind and foolish boys, we can't stand seeing a fellow Gryffindor hurt so much. We know you're hurting, we can see it in your eyes." Lily gaped at Sirius. Those words coming from Sirius Black? Preposterous, but it happened. Lily closed her eyes again and hoped to block out the scene in front of her. She felt a warm hand brush the tears away and felt the weight of another body sitting beside her. The hand left her face and reached for her diary, which was now closed. Lily opened her eyes and saw it was James sitting next to her, it was his warm hand that touched her cheek, his warm hand that now possessed the true window to her soul. But she did not stop him. He picked up the thin black book and opened it and read.

'The shades of black merge with crimson. True happiness ceased to exist in my soul. Feeding off pure hatred for every living creature. I'm just a monster myself, just like everyone else. We all are monsters, creating our own Hells. Don't you see it? We were so blind to see that life is not a fairytale and there is no such thing as happiness and true love. Yet we failed to notice and we believed such lies. How could we be so foolish? Yet some of us are fooled to believe we have found true love. As for me, I love my solitude. I cannot afford to be a burden for others. I've already been consumed by the flames of my own prison. Can you still save me now? I've fought against you and your beliefs. I cursed your words and now I curse your silence. If I beg you not to leave, will you plead with me to stay? I don't want to die alone. Don't let me die alone. Tonight-I do not wish to be graced with the presence of a Guardian Angel. Not tonight. Please save your sorrow for another night. Save Death for Time and Old Age, not for Sorrow. I still need you. Don't leave me, please.'

"Lily," James said, a little bit intimidated, "Why did you close your heart up? Why are you pushing everyone away?" His eyes lingered on her face, looking for an expression, any expression, but it ended in vain. Her face was expressionless and her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

"I had a friend once," she started, shocked that her voice still worked and looking as if she would cry again, "He meant the world to me. He was my life--the air I breathed, the blood I bled, the tears I cried. I was completely open with him, no secrets, no lies. Until one day. He lied to me. He didn't open to me and left his emotions to eat away at him until he couldn't take the agony anymore. He left me a note, telling me he was sorry and that he always loved me until the grave. That love didn't last long, he killed himself the next night. When he died, he took my love with him, he took my warmth with him, my compassion. He took everything I was made of and it killed me. I was dead, emotionless, but still breathing. Barely. He hurt me. He stole my heart. There are more incidents though but I'd rather not talk about it. I figure if everything can happen once, it could happen again. I don't think I have enough strength in me to deal with another ordeal like that again," Lily finished.

Sirius, James, and Remus were silent the whole time, letting her explain every detail. Lily was afraid of the silence, she feared it. She was surprised she had just opened up to someone she didn't even trust. She wished they said something, anything! No words came but Lily found herself enclosed in a hug from James, his arms wrapped around her lower back and holding her body close to his.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear. He pulled back and stared at her for a moment, her face now glistening with fresh tears. He wiped these away too, his gaze transfixed with Lily's. Then to Lily's growing surprise, Sirius and Remus both hugged her tightly, whispering comforting words into her ears. There was silence again before James spoke.

"Lily, if you would please, please give us a chance. Let us become your friends. We swear we won't hurt you. It kills us seeing a pretty girl like you so sad." Lily bit her bottom lip. 'Did he just say I'm pretty?' she asked herself. Her thoughts swam in her mind, overpowering, tiring her. But she came to a final decision. She nodded in agreement. She let the Marauders into her heart, she let them into her soul. She was no longer walking the edge. She felt a sudden warmth running through her veins and smiled. James smiled back, though her smile did not quite reach her eyes yet, she was smiling. She wasn't happy but she wasn't in complete misery. 'This was a start,' James thought, 'I promise I'll take care of her, I won't let her slip away,' he added to his mounting thoughts.