The World Through Three Eyes

"Hi Shoes,

I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping. I know it's going to sound really, really daft but then that's me, isn't it? Dozy mare- that's what mum would've said. Anyway, I keep thinking about what happened at work today. I'm worried about my love life, if that's what you call it."

I suppose you don't really call what I've had a love life. I'm just one of those people that doesn't have serious relationships. It's nothing deep or emotional, I mean, I'm not a commitment-phobe or anything. Being honest, I'm pretty much rubbish in the game of love. Flirtation, seduction and sex I'm more than skilled at, but get me to keep a man and I'll fail miserably.

Not that that's a bad thing. I get a good sample of blokes, all kinds. I learn a lot about sex and I don't get tied down- maybe tied up, but that's a different story. Ha. No, seriously, that kind of lifestyle's a godsend when you're young, pert and pretty much gorgeous. Only I can't help thinking that by the time I get to twenty-seven and nature starts taking its toll, I won't be much of a success even in the one-night-stand stakes.

It's scary, people around me are already starting to settle down. Ron and Hermione are married and expecting a baby. Neville Longbottom and his wife have already got two. Seamus and Dean are living together and have bought a kitten. I keep asking myself, whatever happened to youth? I'm not ready for marriage or babies or bloody kittens and I won't be for a long time.

".. And he was there, by the window. I tapped Eustace on the shoulder and I went:

'There's Mr Fit, Stace!'

I know I keep talking about Mr Fit and it must be dead boring but bear with me. If you could see him, Shoes. The way he stands there outside the window, just looking in with that little half smile on his face. I'd kill to read his palms. I really would. I'd kill."

Well, I'm only human.

I've got something of an obsession for Mr Fit, a name us Diviners applied to him on first sighting. Oh, it was magnificent. I can't explain it- I was reading Mrs Bell's leaves at the time and I suddenly felt this tingle down my spine. I looked out of the window and there was the most dazzling bloke standing just outside. We locked eyes and I'm not joking, I felt this charge between us, like a magnet pulling us together. And being one who is blessed with the gift of intuition, I could just tell that he and I had something special. Me and Mr Fit, I reckon we're written in the stars.

Of course, he remains something of a mystery. He always seems to consider it but hasn't come in to see us yet. I know he will, I can sense the curiosity in him. He is a man crying out to know his fate.

Which will obviously be that he meets a beautiful stranger called Lavender and falls in love with her forever more.

".... Camille says I should lull him into the shop with telepathic messages, but to be honest I'd rather let nature take its course. I think I'll wear a low cut top tomorrow and lean over when he passes by- pressing my elbows together should do the trick. Or maybe I should go out and say hello to him and offer him a psychic massage. Well, what he doesn't know won't kill him! Seriously, though, I really do want to make a good impression on him. But how do I do that, Shoes? I only know how to make men want me. I want to make him think I'm a really special, classy bird."

Parv told me to always review my love life in times of need. According to her, it helps, but it's made things a million times worse for me.

In Fourth Year, Seamus asked me to the Yule Ball and, having rather a large crush on him I said yes. I suppose it kind of just happened from there. We became Gryffindor's item, the couple that everybody jokes about. You know the kind of thing, if we're both late for class, we've been shagging. If one us blushes, we've been shagging. If we have some time alone, what a surprise! We've been shagging.

I really felt something for Seamus, which is sad because I never felt anything like that since. I reckon he was pretty fond of me too- every time I looked up, he'd be watching me with this dead proud smile on his face. But then he was soppy like that, he was always picking me flowers and writing me little pieces of poetry. I kept some of them to this day, just to torment him.

Somewhere along the line, a relationship like that has to go stale. It happened for us on our two month anniversary. I must have been crazy to do what I did that day. I don't even know why I did it. I was in the common room, waiting for Seamus and Lee Jordan was sitting opposite me. Suddenly, without even thinking about it, I found myself snogging his face off. And, as fate would have it, Seamus arrived in the nick of time.

And so ended Seamus and Lavender.

Parv tried to go all psychoanalyst on me and explore why I snogged Lee. She thought I was scared by the seriousness of mine and Seamus' relationship. Though I wasn't at all, I was proud of it. I wanted to marry him and have his kids and all.

I'll never forget Seamus' face. I've never wanted to break anyone's heart since. I think we could have made it, if I hadn't been such a stupid cow.

And, of course, if Seamus didn't turn out to be gay.

Hang on...

Wait a second.

"Do you think it was my fault, Shoes? Do you think I turned him gay? Well, wait, I'm not saying that him being gay is a bad thing 'cause it's not, but do you think I... well... put him off women?"