A Long Goodbye

Chapter 2: My Immortal

It's been a long hour since the day melted into the night. It's been a long time since I've smiled. Since I've laughed. Since the last tear fell from my eye. It's been awhile since I last looked upon your happy face.

Right now I'm sitting here, staring out our bedroom window and I wonder, if you were here too would you sit and stare out the window with me? I like to think that you would. I like to remember the days when we'd sit in front of the fire or the Quidditch stands as Harry practiced. Those were the days we fell in love. When we really fell in love. We would talk and laugh and argue...and argue some more. But it was in the midst of all those arguments I realized I love you.

I'm so tired of being here.

Suppressed by all my childhood fears.

Do you remember that day? Are you living eternally within that day? That day in Sixth Year when you snuck out, when you had bribed me to sneak out with you for my sixteenth birthday? Do you remember what your gift was? You took me flying on your broom to watch the meteor shower. If I close my eyes long enough I can still conjure up the exact feeling I got when your breath danced across the back of my neck. I still remember your arms around me.

"Hermione, I love you," you whispered. It didn't matter then if the world ended, I would have died a happy woman. I turned around then and (I still am not completely sure how I worked up the nerve to) I kissed you.

Oh, I'd kissed other boys before and I know you had kissed other girls before (Lavender told me what you two had done, by the way) and I still loved you. It didn't matter to me then...and it doesn't matter to me now either.

The stars were beautiful that night...and even now I'll climb the roof of our home (I could never fly without you by my side) and I'll stare at the stars just to feel closer to you. Because I know you're there somewhere. You're somewhere in the stars, I know, because that was our special place. Ours alone.

And now, now it is still our special place. But I'm alone.

And if you have to leave,

I wish that you would just leave.

Cause your presence still lingers here,

And it won't leave me alone.

You're gone and it's tearing me apart.

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

There's just too much that time cannot erase.

Your sister and I...we go to your graves once a week. I think she's fairing better than I am. She's even dating a little now, although I've noticed most of her boyfriends are one night stands. They have black hair or green eyes. She misses him. She misses you both.

It's been years, I know, but I still miss you. I miss you both. I think I miss you more now than I did then. It's becoming apparent to me more and more every day that you aren't coming back. Neither of you are.

Some nights I'll lay in our bed and I'll cry and cry for hours. It's silly I know, but I haven't removed your things from your dresser...everything in it still smells like you. I wish I could crawl in there and lay there for the rest of my life.

Why, why did you have to leave and pretend to be the brave one? Why, dammit why?!

Would you, knowing now what you didn't then, still choose to leave with Harry? Would you leave if you knew tonight would be the last time we would fight, we would make love? Would you?

When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have...

All of me.

I like to think you would still leave. I know you wouldn't change a thing. You wouldn't not go even if you knew I would be left here alone because you...you gallantly tried to save our best friend, your to-be brother-in-law even. But you lost. You lost and he lost and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named all lost that night.

If I was stronger I would let go of you but you are such a part of who I am that how can I do anything but hang on? How can I do anything buy cling to what once was? I cannot and so, I am lost within myself and you are not by my side.

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.

I'm mad at you, I really am terribly mad at you. I'm mad and I'm proud. I'm proud because I am Mrs. Hermione Weasley, the widow of the man who saved the world. That's right, My Love, you saved the world. You saved the world...you kept Harry alive and he killed He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...and then he died too.

Dammit, you had to be stubborn didn't you? You couldn't have just let Harry die, could you have? Of course not. And I wouldn't have wanted you too, either, just let me tell you that. But why couldn't you have taken me along? Why all that shit about chivalry and crap like that? Where was the you I knew from our Hogwarts days? The you who would have complained if I hadn't come along?

You grew up then and I guess I did too.

But you're gone and it's tearing me apart.

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

I didn't know it was possible to hurt more years after someone's been gone than a day after they've been gone. Did you?

You might have, now that I remember. You were torn up about the death of George our seventh year and you cried a lot. I held you a lot and secretly...secretly I loved you more for your tears. You never had to be embarrassed around me and you knew it and I loved you for it.

When you'd cried I'd wipe away all your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all your fears.

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have...

All of me.

My mum tells me the pain will lessen and that time heals all wounds but what would she know? Her husband is still alive! Merlin, I sound terrible don't I? Of course I don't want my father dead...and thank any and every god who might be listening that my parents are still alive. If they were gone and you were here I could handle it but I cannot unlock the pain that surrounds me with you gone and them here. I'm terrible, I know.

If we were in school and I had admitted this you never would have let me hear the end of this...you would have teased me endlessly for my complete and utter terribleness (is that even a word? I know, I know, it's not like me to make up a word...). I wish you still were here to make fun of me.

Even Fred, I'll see him every once in awhile if I'm in Diagon Alley...he owns his own Quidditch supply shop now, you know, well...he doesn't laugh as much either. Losing George hurt him bad and losing you, that was like a double whammy for him I think. He's settled down, needless to say. He and Angelina have a whole team of kids...five in all. Little Carrie (well, she's not so little anymore, d'ya remember when she was a cute little button-nosed girl?) she's just started Hogwarts last year. And then Chrissy, she's still the trouble-maker she was when she was a toddler. Well, she'll be starting Hogwarts in a year. They really are cute as buttons. And then there are the boys (triplets, in fact). George, Harry, and Ron. Ron has red hair just like you...and lots of freckles. His eyes are blue too...of course, George has the same features. But Harry, well, he has dark hair (not black, mind you) just dark. He's a sweet little kid. I'm sure you can imagine the trouble they find themselves in all the time. It can be somewhat amusing to watch even...if there wasn't the memory of their namesakes.

Poor Ginny loves her nieces and nephews but can hardly stand to be around the triplets because she's reminded so much of you three. I feel the same way.

I really miss you.

And you're still gone and it's tearing me apart.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.

But though you're still with me,

I've been alone all along.

It's so sad to talk to you without a response. I absolutely hate it, Love, I don't know how else to explain it. It's torture to have speak with you and not hear your opinion. Your mum tells me that maybe you aren't here to give an opinion any more because I know what your opinion would be. I wish she was wrong, but I think she might be right.

"Auntie 'Mione, look what I drew?" Little Chrissy shoved the paper in front of my eyes. And I looked at it and waited for her to patiently explain to me what it was about, like I knew she would.

"See, it's you and Uncle Ron," she said, pointing to the stick-like figure that was supposed to be you. There was me with my bushy hair and you were obviously you. Right down to the redness of your hair and to all of your freckles. I didn't know what to do; should I laugh or should I cry? It was such an innocent picture, and the only time Chrissy remembers you is from pictures, but it was you. I know it was you because you were laughing and you always laughed. And so, I did nothing. I sat there and I told her how good of a picture it was. I told her it was you and she clapped her hands and laughed gleefully.

And by Merlin, I missed you some more.

And you're always gone and it's tearing me apart.

When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.

I held your hand through all of these years.

But you still have...

All of me.