A Long Goodbye

When You Think of Me

I threw my legs over the edge of our bed and looked at you one last time. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was that I had to leave. I had to. Harry and I had a job to do and I wasn't about to let you come with and mess it all up. Sorry. You know what I mean.

You look so peaceful sleepin',
You don't know that I'm leaving but I'm gone.

You know how you always said I never thought before I did? Well, I realized you were right that night. I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave you looking like you did. Gods, you're beautiful.

I can't tell you about the war that was in my head, Hermione. Over and over again I battled between battling Voldemort (look, I've said his name!) and staying with you. You've won, Hermione, you always will but sometimes other things are more important than our happiness. And you and I could never be happy in a world where Voldemort reigns. You know that, so dry your eyes, OK?

"You ready, mate?" Harry asked so quietly I was sure, I was hoping, he hadn't said a word.

Well I did my best to beat 'em,

But in my head the demons said: "Move on."

When you wake up, you're gonna curse my name,

But as some time goes by, I hope and pray

I couldn't tear my eyes off of you even as I barely nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ready. I'm always ready." Even I could hardly hear my own voice.

Silence dropped on our shadowy bedroom and for a moment, for one breathless moment, I had truly hoped Harry had left without me; I believed he had. "Mate, the longer you stand there the harder it will be to say goodbye."

I wanted to turn around punch him, knowing that just minutes earlier it had been my baby sister he had said goodbye to, but did I? No. I was mature enough to sigh and not look him in the eye again for a full fifteen minutes. You would have been proud.

"Alright, Harry, I'm ready," I answered softly, turning away from you. Let me tell you now: I knew it would be the last time I'd ever see you. You know how you just know certain things? I knew I'd die. I think Harry knew he'd die.

Hermione, I wish I could say all the things I meant to say to you when I still had a voice to talk. I wish I could tell you about how I fell in love with you that day on the train. You were such a bossy little know-it-all that I thought you were the most adorable thing on the earth. Of course, at the time I didn't know the word adorable (but that's a discussion for another time). I should have told you before now that I loved you then and that I've loved you since then. That I will always love you.

Please don't cry, Hermione. I hate to see you cry. I'm always the reason you cry; please don't let me be the reason now. I can't bear to see you cry and not be there to hold you. I can't bear it Hermione.

When you think of me,

Remember the way that I used to be.

Remember the times I held you tenderly.

Remember the way that I love you.

I'm torn inside Hermione. Know that I don't want to leave you. I wouldn't even kill Malfoy if it meant I'd never get to see you again and you know how I hate Malfoy (the slimy b******).

Merlin, I didn't think this would be so hard.

"Are you coming Ron?" Harry asked.

For a moment, I honestly didn't think I would be coming.

There's something about death that makes us appreciate what we have and realize what we fear. Hermione, if you fall in love again (and don't tell me you won't; I know you better than that) please don't...live in our house. Our house is just that: our house. I'm not even going to apologize if that request seems terribly selfish to you because quite frankly, I don't give a damn: no man other than me will ever hold you in our house...and our bed for that matter.

Just, could you go along with me on that one little request?

Harry wants me to tell you to look after Ginny. And oh yeah, Ginny isn't allowed to date anyone else, OK? No one is good enough for Ginny. Even Harry wasn't; he was just allowed to because he's my best chap.

And no, no one is good enough for you either, Hermione. But if I told you not to date anyone would you listen? Didn't think so.

See, I was only trying to avoid an argument.

If you wake up right now, I promise I won't leave Hermione. I promise, I promise...

I think about the night I met you,

I swore I'd never forget you: well, I won't

I promise you Hermione: I'll watch out for you. I promise I'll be around. I'll be all of your favorite things: a summertime breeze, the pull of the moon on the tide, warm socks right out of the dryer. I'll always be around.

I could never leave you to your own devices.

You don't even understand Quidditch, remember?

Laugh, Hermione; that was supposed to be a joke.

I guess what this all comes down to, is me telling you that you're special. You are, Hermione. I've know it since that day you taught me Wingardium Leviosa. I knew you were special because you had to be perfect. But you never realized you already were perfect.

I was only eleven then but I knew that I felt something different for you then I did Harry. I may have been a bit of a slacker, (but remember, Harry's marks were far worse than mine--ouch! Go to hell, Potter!) but I wasn't completely stupid. I knew there was something different about you.

Oh, by the way, if you ever let the Viktor Krum touch you again, make sure you warn him that I'll pull his tongue out of his bloody arse.

I'm not kidding.

"Yes, Harry, I'm just about done saying my goodbyes," I said to him rather impatiently.

Can you ever be ready to say goodbye when you know you mean forever?

Why couldn't I have been this thoughtful during school? We wouldn't have wasted nearly half of our school years being apart if I had just known how to say this kind of stuff!

I think about the way you'll live and breathe inside my dreams forever,

Well, you'll be better when I'm gone: you'll be better when I'm gone.

'Cause I know you're gonna fall in love again.

I'm sorry this is how it has to end, but,

We're standing in front of Voldemort now, Hermione, and I can't tell you how scared I am. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you but I have this uncanny feeling that I'm about to.

Just, don't think of me as dead. Think of me as...on a vacation. I always did want to go to Egypt and watch my brother with the dragons. Maybe I'm there.

I just can't bear to have you think of me as dead. Remember that, Hermione.

Remember the last night we made love? Merlin girl, I love you so much. I just want to tell you that one last time before I die.

I'm sorry we had to end like this. I never meant for all this to happen. I only wanted you to be happy so please don't cry...get mad but please don't cry!

When you think of me,

Remember the way that I used to be.

Think of anything but my death.

Remember all the times we laughed together, Hermione? All the times we fought? I remember the first time you kissed me. It was in our sixth year and it was your birthday and we were on my broom because I had finally tricked you into flying. It wasn't so bad now, was it?

Merlin you were beautiful that night. I don't know if I ever told you how beautiful you were but you were gorgeous. You always have been; you always will be.

Remember the times I held you tenderly.

Remember the way that I love you.

Oh, when you think of me.

I don't remember who threw the first curse. I couldn't tell you if it was one of us or if it was one of them; all I know is that the final battle had started.

As I was fighting I wasn't afraid, Hermione. I mean, I was...but I wasn't. I knew that you would be safe and alive when this war was over and that saved my life, I think. I knew others would survive, even when I didn't.

People are falling all around me: Amos Diggory, Hagrid, Dean, and Malfoy (the smarmy b******), they're all gone.

I see the flash of green coming toward me Hermione and all I can think about is you. I see you laugh and I see you cry. I can even feel your arms around me and it's as if George died all over again. Gods, I miss him.

I call out your name one last time, before I'm hit and Hermione...I want you to know that I'm not in any pain.

Hermione, I can see you lying in our bed again and it's as if I haven't left your side, it's as if there's still time for me to turn to Harry and say, "Sorry mate, you're on your own." But I can't say that, can I?

As I pick up these bags and turn around,

I say a little prayer and hope somehow,

When you think of me,

Remember the way that I used to be.

Remember the times I held you tenderly.

Remember the way that I love you.

When you think of me.

Please smile for me, Hermione, please! I'm hardly asking: I'm begging of you to smile for me! Remember how I loved to smile? How I loved to make you laugh? I can't do that anymore Hermione, so you must find the strength in you to make yourself smile and to make yourself laugh! It's all I'm asking for Hermione. That's it.

And make sure our nieces and nephews know what happened to their uncle and their uncle-to-be. Make sure they never, ever forget what we all went through for their happiness. For your happiness, Hermione.

I know I can count on you to always remember this. Please, do it for my sake. Do it for mine and Harry's sake.

If you can think of us with a smile then none of this will have been in vain, Hermione. Remember that.

When you think of me,

Remember the way that I used to be.

Remember the times I held you tenderly.

Remember the way that I love you.

When you think of me.

Say goodbye to my sister and brothers and mum and dad for me. For Harry and I both, Hermione. You've got to be strong.

The green light is right there, Hermione. I can hear Harry screaming out my name. He's begging me to duck, to move out of the way, but I can't. It's useless to do so.

It's only Harry and Voldemort left, Hermione. It's only those two left.

Pretty soon, the world will be a place that you all can live in again happily.

I love you, Hermione.

Oh, when you think of me,

When you think of me.

When you think of me.

When you think of me.