The Journey From Oidhche Shamhna

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

The Journey From Oidhche Shamhna

Chapter 42

Rowena's Secret

Rowena stood at the window of the tower, watching the pass as Gryffin sat at the worktable watching her. This was the day that ended Helena's banishment. This was the day she could walk back down the path and ask forgiveness and be welcomed home.

The shadows had grown long and still Rowena stood and watched, and waited for some sign that her daughter would return. When the first star appeared in the sky, Gryffin laid his hand on her shoulder and stood with, her waiting until the sky was full dark before turning her around and looking deep into her eyes.

"She will come tomorrow," he said softly. "If she does not I will go for her."

Rowena pressed her hand to her chest and grimaced, then sunk down to the floor, leaning her back against the cold stones.

"When did this all start, Gryffin?" she sighed, feeling a fist of pain. "I sometimes want to go to the centaurs and find the secret. Is it really in the stars? Is it the stars that show us the way and not the gods? Have I wasted a life on all this? I feel I float on a river, waiting to put to shore."

Gryffin sat next to her, leaning his head back on the stones as well. "We stopped the destruction of our world and saved many. That is the best we could hope for. This is all we set out to do."

"I am tired, Gryffin. I do not know how much more I can take." She turned her head towards him. "I should have left here at the beginning. I should have let all this go and only turned to Erwin. Now, I have lost him. We do not talk, not just of Helena, but of anything beyond today."

"I fought with him, Rowena. For years we protected each other, standing behind each other as the battle raged and blood was spilled." He paused and closed his eyes, seeing the battles on the back of his eyelids. "I would not be here if he had not been with me. We owe him much, Rowena. Until you have felt a man's life at the end of your sword, or the feel of his intestines as they slide over the hilt of your blade, you cannot understand what he feels."

"I know..."

Gryffin held up his hand to stop her talk, and then turned and took her hands. "He loves you, this you should never doubt. However, Erwin is not as the rest of us. He did not lose his clan, he was not thrown out, or banned. He is not as Salazar, rich and powerful, or as Helga, with a family that moves close and visits. He did not see you on a pyre, or bury his family as I have my wife and family. It is easier for him to want more and much harder not to have it."

"He knew Helena was to come today, but will not speak of it. He angered this morning when I could finally say her name. It is as if he wants to push us away. Now he has taken to his broom and left."

"He is afraid that it is her that will push him away." Gryffin stood and reached his hand down to pull her up. "Once Helena comes he will be better. You will see them together soon."

"Gryffin, how will I explain Salazar to her? She loves him more than she should. He was her father when Erwin was gone those first years. She took her first step to him, and it was he she wanted when she fell and scraped her knees. Now she has lost him."

"If this is the only trial that she faces, she will have a good life." He tried to smile at her. Taking her arm, they left the tower.

They walked slowly to the moving staircase and stepped on the first step, not walking forward but allowing the stairs to spiral down. When they arrived at the bottom they found Helga waiting, a girl on one hip and a boy resting in a sling which she wore holding him close to her chest.

"I was coming up," she looked down at the two she carried, "until this one decided to wet and the other demanded to be fed. The owl came while the sun was still up, then I just forgot. Rowena, I am so sorry, I will blame it on Hanson."

"Blame Hanson for what?"

"The owl came to your window in the tower. I must say, not well-trained, that one. I will speak to Laulen. You can blame him."

Gryffin laughed and took Patience from her. "Now she blames Laulen? Or Hanson?"

"Blame Saul."

Rowena rolled her eyes and leaned over to kiss Patience on the head. "Helga, I have told you to get help. You are pulled in too many directions. You should have brought them to me for the day. Now what was in the missive?"

"Helena comes home in three days. She refuses to leave until Saul has his field planted. She says it is too late in the season as it is." Helga smiled and wiped a tear. "She worries for them, Rowena. She worries for them and not herself."

Rowena ran and threw her arms around Helga, smiling and laughing and then turned to her tower to send an owl to Erwin. Perhaps he could return to greet her this time. Perhaps, she thought, it will become easier.

She wrote the missive and called her owl, the one Laulen had sold her for a kiss on the cheek, and whispering the destination into its ear, opened the window and let it fly. She left the window open, letting the fresh sea air that came in from the north fill the room and swirl around her.

She stood and watched the owl as it silhouetted against the moon, lost in thought as again the fist squeezed her chest and left her gasping in pain. She sat down on her pallet, pulling her cloak close, and lay down, waiting for the tightness to pass. Rolling on her side, she thought of Erwin, wishing he was close and at the same time, she knew their closeness had turned distant and cold. Pulling the cloak higher, she raised her hand and whispered Nox.

For two days, she looked to the pass, walked in the meadows, and sat near the summit looking out to the north. She remembered the stories she had been told as a child, stories of painted ships that cut through the ice of the north seas and brought the first of her people to this now-forgotten place. They told of battles and the great beasts of the north that breathed fire and lived in caves. They spoke of families that held the lands holy, and of herds blessed by the gods.

She turned and looked back at the castle and wondered where her life fit. Not in the ships, or fire-breathing dragons, not in fierce battles or fires of the hearth. She could no longer envision the people of her clan, the twist of the witches' plaits or the slope of her mother's eyebrow. She no longer had a fire to tend, or a handful of herbs waiting by the door.

She sighed and started the walk back to the tower, knowing that Helena was still gone, and Erwin off to the other. She brushed her hand across her face, pulled her cloak close and returned to the empty chambers, no longer feeling as if she were at home.

Kista, returning from visiting with Helga in the kitchen, found Rowena lying in the courtyard. She sent her Patronus for Temin and Helga, and then began to levitate her inside as Gryffin came running to her.

"I found her on the stones, we need to get her inside, quickly, call Helga," Kista said in a rush.

Gryffin took Rowena in his arms, breaking the levitation charm, and began the walk up the stairs with her. He passed a candle that threw light on her face, and saw her ashen colour and darkening lips. Turning on the spot, he used elf travel to speed to the hospital, shouting for Helga. As soon as his feet touched the floor, he rushed her to a cot.

He ran his wand over her body, frowning and whispering incantations he had not uttered since the battleground. Seeing no response, he threw down his wand and lay his hands over her, closing his eyes and calling the old magic, learned before he had gone to the testing circle, to pass through him and into her. He soon felt Kista at his side, who added her magic to his until they at last heard a gasp and intake of breath.

"Rowena, lay still, Helga is bringing the stones." Kista laid her hand on Rowena's shoulder to keep her on the table.

"Potion," Rowena gasped. "In my rooms."

Kista looked up at Gryffin as he nodded and left to do as she bade.

He found three small vials next to her pallet and hurried with them back to the hospital. As he navigated the moving stairs, he lifted the vial and frowned at the swirls of yellow and silvery white that hung suspended in the basic blue of the pain potion. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, he pulled the stopper from the one half-full and raised it to his nose.

His jaw clenched as he dipped his finger in the potion, and bringing it to his lips, he closed his eyes and he felt a chill run through his body. Again, he turned to the use of elf travel to speed the potion to Rowena's mouth.

As he held her head to help her swallow the mixture, he leaned down to her ear. "You are a fool, witch. Why have you said nothing?"

"I am fine, Gryffin, I need only to rest." She looked up at him and shook her head. "No one needs to know."

"Too late." Helga's voice came from behind Gryffin. "If you meant to keep this secret at least you could have remembered to take it with you."

"It goes no further." Rowena struggled to sit up.

"No." Helga walked to the side of the cot opposite Gryffin. "You lay still until I say you can get up."

"Only a potion of headaches, and sometimes at night, the cough. It is difficult to sleep when I lay down."

"I am sure foxglove is a great remedy for that as well." Gryffin stepped back from the cot and looked angrily at her. "Erwin left you alone? He told no one of this?"

"No, Gryffin, he must not know, you must not tell him," she said in a rush, pushing Helga away as she pulled herself up, wincing and putting a fist to her chest. "The potion works, it takes a few minutes, then I am fine again."

"How much do you take in one day?" Helga asked.

"Four, five is the most, and that was the day after Helena's banning. It is fine, just let it be."

"Rowena, eight months? When .... ?" Helga pressed her lips together to still her chin from shaking.

"Since the owls came. I could get the ingredients myself. See? It is nothing. In all that time, just once I did not carry it in my robes, just once in all that time."

"He needs to know," Gryffin said sternly.

"No, I refuse it. It will not change anything, and Helena would worry and ....." She swung her feet over the side of the cot and prepared to get down when Helga stepped in front of her.

"Where do you brew this? Did Salazar know? Was he..."

"No, I did not go to him behind Erwin's back to seek help. I needed a place to brew and the castle gave me one." She shrugged and stood up. "Salazar did not help. The tapestry that he hung here provided it."

"Gryffin, I asked you to rid this place of that thing," Helga spat.

"It is a good thing, Helga, a place to hide, a way to get the children out if ever a war comes."

"The war is over." Helga shook her finger in his face. "Last year two from the Slytherin tower pushed in two of mine and then moved the tapestry to the forest. It is a good thing centaurs will not harm our young."

Gryffin felt his lip twitch as he tried to look stern and almost made it until Rowena began to chuckle.

"The older boys from Godric's tower have been trying to discover the joys of Muggle inns there as well. I found the spells from the original casting. It will now give what is required, and not always what is wanted," Rowena sniggered. "They seemed rather disappointed when they returned last term to find it changed. I am now working to transfer the charm from the hanging to the wall itself. That way no student can be dumped in the forest or the lake. It will also hide the door from sight and be less tempting."

"You are changing the subject, taking it off the potion." Gryffin scowled at her.

"I forbid you from speaking to him. Tell Kista and the others... tell them I have not eaten today, that I felt faint, tell them..."

"They will not believe..."

"I do not care!" She grabbed Gryffin's arm. "I will tell him when I am ready. I will not use this to hold him or Helena. Gryffin, I will leave here if you tell him. By the gods of my people, I swear I will leave here."

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The next morning Rowena sat to finish putting her hair in a knot and securing it with combs. As she slid in the last comb, she heard the stairs shift and, thinking she could catch them before the next turn, she hurried out and stood at the top to wait.

Helena stood at the bottom, looking up at her, her neck craned up and her mouth slightly open as she still panted for air from her run on the path.

"Here!" She laughed and raised her arm. "Mother, I am here."

"Helena!" Rowena jumped to the still-shifting stairs and began running down.

Helena fell to her knees and lowered her head, waiting to feel Rowena's hand on her shoulder.

"I ask your forgiveness to let me pass so that I may find the others and beg their forgiveness and enter again my ..." She looked up tearfully, not knowing how to finish.

"Instead of 'clan', it would do well to ask the forgiveness of all clans in this place," Rowena instructed her softly.

"I ask your forgiveness to let me pass so that I may find the others and beg their forgiveness and again enter the ... home and family of all my peoples."

"Rise, Helena." She folded her arms behind her back, wanting to grab Helena to her, only needing to wait until the prayers of forgiveness were completed. "Find the others, and if they approve, return."

Helena nodded. "Mother, I am scared to face Hanson, and to think of Helga. Mother..."

Rowena saw the topics of conversation walking toward them and stepped back from Helena, then hurried back up the stairs, leaving Helena looking sadly up to her.

"The law says you must meet us alone. That is why she leaves, child." Helena spun around at the sound of Hanson's voice to face him. She saw as Helga stepped to his side and gently put her hand on his arm.

Immediately she again fell on her knees and recited her line. She waited for a response, and hearing none, peeked up to see him frowning at her.

"That is not enough, Helena. Do you know that Salazar and Ayla have left? Do you know what you put her through and cost her?"

Helena nodded and took a shaking breath before raising her head to meet his eyes. "I went to them first. It was horrid, horrid how she looked at me. Salazar would not speak to me and at first refused to even say my name. Hanson, does it sound awful that I love him as my father? He was always here. He was always here when I needed him, when I just wanted him he was here. To see his face..."

Hanson removed Helga's hand from his arm and squatted down in front of Helena, holding her chin so she could not look away. "What did they decide?"

"They said they would forgive me, but not what I had done. They sent me away and said I was no longer welcomed. Helga? I am sorry, I am so sorry. I was angry at you, and now I don't even remember why." She pulled her chin away from Hanson and buried her face in her hands.

"Ah." Helga pulled her up from the floor and hugged her. "I am proud of you, girl. Marri says you fought hard the first month and then became like a part of the family. Saul sent a bundle of herbs for you to bury in the soil of the valley, to have your memory of his home always here with you, as we did, when we entered this valley the first time. It is an honour of acceptance, child. Now run and find Gryffin, he is pacing in the north tower ready to take a broom to collect you," Helga chuckled.

"I want to see Sal, and Patience. I have made them cloths." She pulled squares of fabric from the sack she carried and handed them to Helga. "I was going to make cloaks but the loom and I never learned to get along. I would push the shuttle one way when it seemed to want another. Marri laughed at me and called me Minerva. I told her it was Helga that had a gift of a thousand jobs, all I strived to learn was this one. She said they could lay under them in their beds, to keep them warm since they are not large enough for much else."

Helga looked at them with a raised eyebrow and saw the childish weave and knew she would put them in the wooden box that she kept all her treasures in to remember Helena by. She watched as Helena ran down the hallway, listening to her footfalls grow softer, as she felt Hanson's arm come around her waist.

"She will be fine, Helga. Now come, Sal and Patience sleep."

She sniggered and put her arm around his waist as they walked down the hallway. Sliding her hand lower, she smacked him on his arse, then picked up her skirts in both hands and ran laughing to the meadow.