The Journey From Oidhche Shamhna

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

The Journey From Oidhche Shamhna

Chapter 29

The Shattering of Glass

"I tell you, I cannot accept more into my tower. Every young wizard seems to think they are meant to fight." Gryffin shook his head. "There are some so light the sword is heavier then they, yet their parents expect me to have them wield a blade."

"They only want to put the girls in my classes yet the young boys from the fields will come down to the gardens on their own. They should let them learn what they love to do. If they are forced to swing a blade they will hate it and not do well." Helga paced and ranted as she looked at her list of names. "Look at this - Eagan! Why, his family has no need for another son to learn potions, yet here he is. A large herd to tend and they send all the sons to swords and potions."

"I have every Squib that has no magic and seems to think there is a cure someplace in my head." Rowena frowned as she looked at the names that had requested her tower.

"Give them to me. Gardens and fields do not use much magic. Really, most of them would prefer to be away from something they cannot do," Helga added.

Salazar looked at the list and stood, taking it to Rowena. "These names are not of my tribe. I do not recognize those I have circled. It is possible your charm is not working on the list."

Rowena looked at him uncomfortably. "These are the first children of Wizards and Muggles."

"This one," Helga said, looking over Rowena's shoulder and pointing to a name. "I know her mother. She bonded with a Muggle when the war was at its peak. She is a good witch and I am sure would not accept a Muggle who did not know what she was. Her child, this Magma, would be safe to take."

"Magma!" Salazar spat. "That is not a name for a witch. It is not even a name for a Muggle. I will not have her, or the other obscenities, for that is what they are. Born from a union of our murders, they are as evil as their Muggle parents."

"They will be accepted." Erwin looked at them evenly. "Would you have magical children left without an education?"

"Let them be schooled at home." Salazar threw the list at Rowena. "No, I will not have it."

"I will not leave a child to a pyre because of your pride, Salazar," Gryffin said. "They will be allowed here as any other magical child. We agreed to take from all tribes, and we shall."

"Muggle is not a tribe, it is an abomination! I do not want them in my tower or my hearth. When they are here, they are like a member of my hearth. I will accept all others, but not these, not Muggle-born, not the children responsible for all this."

"It is not the fault of the children, Salazar." Gryffin stood, looking at him coldly. "Do you think only the Muggles caused this? Did you not see what our own kind did in the war?"

"Gryffin is right, Salazar," Helga said, looking at him without flinching at his snort of disgust. "Don't you do that to me! What? For three names, you would cause a fight here? "

"Helena will start her formal lessons this year and I do not want her to hear that you think the Muggle-born are less then her." Rowena came to her feet. "She prizes you Salazar, above all others but her father she prizes you. Since before she could walk she has looked to you and loved you. If you do this, I will take her away. She must not learn our old ways and old thoughts."

Salazar glared at Rowena, and then feeling Alya's hand on his arm, calmed and nodded to her. "Just keep them from my tower. Keep them away from me and I shall say nothing."

Erwin left to take the last of the students into the great hall, keeping the first year students separate for Helga to check against the list for Salazar's changes before being placed into their towers. He waited until the staff were seated at the front table and then, whispering his apologies to Rowena, left for their quarters.

Rowena watched him leave and puzzled that he would suddenly feel ill and need to leave the hall when only moments before had seemed fine. She leaned over to Helga and asked her to watch over the meal as she went to the potions cabinet and found a headache potion and one made with the root of hogwarts to settle the stomach.

She walked into their sitting room and saw Erwin standing at the desk, looking over the charmed list as he let a drop of his blood fall onto the parchment.

"Erwin," she chuckled. "What ever are you doing? Do you not know how it works yet?"

He looked up at her and waited to see if she realized what he had done when the vials slipped from her hands and shattered on the stone floor.

"Rowena," he said, walking to her, then stopping as she held her hand up to him.

"No, Erwin." She felt her chest refuse to rise, refused to take in air. She felt her eyes sting with tears and heard her blood rush to her ears as she took a step back, shaking her head. No, Erwin."

"Rowena, listen to me."

"Erwin? Why... you don't have to..."

"Rowena, listen to me. I need to explain."

"No." She gasped for air, leaned forward, wrapping her arms around herself and slumping to her knees. "I can't... breathe.... leave me... please..."

He squatted down in front of her, ran his hands through his hair and then reached for her to see her flinch from his touch. "You knew, Rowena. You knew why I left every month. Do not tell me you did not know."

"I loved you." She looked up at him, fighting to not vomit, then losing the battle, tried to stand and make it to the basin only to fall back to the floor.

He pulled out his wand and cleaned her and the floor, cursing himself for having her find out about Leigh this way. He went to lift her from the floor and again she pulled away from him and turned her back.

"Rowena, she is a Muggle. She was left alone when her..."

"No, no, I do not want to hear... no please... no, do not tell me of her." Rowena sat back on her heels, put her hands to her ears and lowered her head to the floor. "I loved you, Erwin. I loved you."

"Gods, Rowena." He reached out, grabbed her, and pulled her fighting body to him. "Don't do this. Please, for the gods of our family, do not do this. If I lose you, I will die. You do not know how much you mean to me."

"Not enough. I do not mean enough."

"A Muggle, Rowena, she is only a Muggle."

"A woman, Erwin, another. How did you think I would feel? Oh my gods, Erwin, why?"

"I was gone for three years the first time, and two the second. What would you have me do?" He released her and stood to pace, leaving her on the floor.

"The same as I! I waited for you, even when I did not know if you would return I waited!" she yelled and hit her chest with her fists. "I waited with Helena, the one you took as your own. The child of your hearth. I waited and tried to teach her of you, of you, Erwin."

"You know this is custom in our tribe. Would you rather me take a whore? Would you rather me act as Gryffin and use a different witch in every city?" Erwin said, becoming angry.

"Yes!" she screamed at him. She scrambled to her vanity and pulled herself up, then, laying her arm on the top, swept everything away, sending glass and all to the floor.

"You will stop this, witch. You will accept this as a witch of our clan would. I hid it from you because I knew you would react like this."

"And you did it anyway," she spat. "Knowing what I would feel, you did it."

"Yes, I did it anyway. I asked you, Rowena, I begged you to leave here, to set up a dwelling with me, to be a real wife."

"I tried. I did all you asked of me." She turned to face him, not believing he would say that to her. "I tried, I never denied you, I never refused..."

"My gods, witch." He gathered into his arms and held her tightly. "When I am with her I see you. When I take her to bed I see you under me."

"Please don't, don't talk of her please." She covered her ears and sobbed, trying to twist away from him. "I cannot hear this, please."

"Rowena, please understand."

"I can give you a son." She looked up at him, straightened her back, and lifted her chin. She scrubbed the tears from her face and tried to smile. "There are potions, in a book that Mave has, I have heard of it. I will get the potion and give you a son. Then you will stay home, and ... Erwin? What is wrong with me? You want a son? I can do that. I can..."

"Rowena, don't do this," he said, feeling his own tears in his eyes. "Please don't do this."

"I can, I know I can do it. All I have to do is..."

"Stop, Rowena, there is no potion for this, and it is not a solution."

"It is the solution, I will look in the tomes and find it, it must be there. I need it to be, I can change this... I can... please, I will try."

"Gods, witch, stop this, listen to yourself and hear what you say."

"Do not leave again, stay with me." She looked up at him through swollen eyes. "Please, Erwin, please. You do not know how I love you still. When you are not here, I cannot eat. I lay awake with a candle burning, afraid when you are not here. I have even tried to cast the mirrors to find you. Please say you will stay with me, that you will not leave again, that you will not go to her."

He picked her up and carried her to the pallet, where he laid her down and sat next to her. "I will not leave her alone with my child. I will not do that. It is wrong of you to ask."

"It is not wrong of me!" She sat up and crawled away from him on the pallet. "Fine, then leave here. Leave here and live as a Muggle. I do not care.... I do not care what you do. Go, only you tell Helena why you chose that one over her. You look at her and tell her you no longer care. Tell your daughter that if she were a son you would stay."

Erwin reached for her, grabbing her legs and pulling her back across the pallet. He rose to his knees and leaned over her. Placing one hand on each side of her head, he leaned down and crushed his lips on hers. He was unable to stop her from pulling away until he lowered his weight to his forearms and held her head still with his hands. Moving quickly until he straddled her, he leaned down and kissed her again.

He struggled to hold her still until he felt her hesitate, and her arms reach for him as she sobbed into his mouth and he tasted her and her tears as she opened her mouth to him. He lowered back to her neck and using one hand, he pulled her robes open and yanked the top of her bodice down. His lips then trailed over her skin, moving slow and stopping at those tender places he knew would leave her breathless.

He felt her tension lessen, and felt her reaction to his body against hers. "Show me you want me to leave, witch. Show me how badly you want me to leave. Show me how you want me to leave and I will."

He felt her arch into him and saw how she turned her neck, offering more of herself to him. He sat up, still straddling her and grabbing his wand, divested her of her robes. He looked down at her naked body and found no reason to close his eyes as he did with his Muggle. This was the one he loved, the one he needed to keep breathing, the one he sought in the eyes and arms of the other but had never found.

Rowena cursed herself for what she felt. She wanted to push him away and deny him. She wanted to wait until she knew he hurt just to take her, then she wanted to push him away and leave him in pain. Instead, she held onto him and pleaded with him to love her, never leave her, and to hurry into her. Her tears covered his neck and chest as she clung to him and pulled him down to her, afraid in the dark to let go.

She laid awake long after he slept, looking to the window, and tried to remember when she first was able to pretend that she did not know. Her tears had soaked the cloak he had pushed under her head and left her hair wet and sticky. She looked up over her shoulder where he lay with his chest against her bare back, and did not recognize him in the light of the moon.

She carefully slid out from under his arm and stood looking down at him. She did not know him any longer. This could not be the one that had found her by the pond, taken her hand in his, and promised to love her always. She squatted beside the pallet and ran her finger along his brow, tracing its shape and thickness and wondered if it had always been so. She let her hand fall way from him, stood, and walked to the vanity, not feeling the tiny shards of glass as they found her feet.

She sat and turned to where the mirror had sat all that time ago when Helena had been just a babe. She lifted her cap and removed the diadem, placing it in a drawer, then she picked up the bridal cap and turned back to look at Erwin as she let that also fall to the floor.

"Mum?" Helena's voice came from the doorway. "I thought I saw a light. I just stopped in to... Mum, whatever happened?

Helena looked at the broken glass on the floor and pulled out her wand to quickly clean it. Rowena stood to join her daughter in the sitting room, uttering a soft "nox" to hide her reddened eyes.

"Now, what brings my sweetness back on her first night a real student? Surely you cannot be lonely only two towers away." Rowena tried to laugh but found a catch in her throat.

"Mum! You are crying, now who thinks two towers are nothing? Mum, do not cry, I am close." Helena chided her mother. "I was hoping Erwin was up as well. I did not see him today, and he was off with the traders all last week."

"Yes, the traders, he was with them."

"Mum? I do not think I have seen you more than a few times with out your cap, and each of those times you were sick in bed. Are you alright now?"

"Yes, of course I am. I have decided to be more modern and only wear it when in class or dining in the Hall with the students. It is time to do away with some of the old ideas."

"What of Erwin, will he not be mad? He will not approve of the new ways, you know he will not." Helena's eyes grew large as she tried to see her mother's face clearly though the shadows. "If you do not wear the diadem you know he will take offence."

Rowena laughed at Helena and shook her head. "No, I believe I have worn it long enough. I have ... let me just say I have gained enough wisdom to take it off."

"Wisdom? You gain wisdom from the wearing of it?"

"I was a slow learner," Rowena said, suddenly feeling tears come again. "Now run, run back to your bed."

"Helena? Come give me hug before you leave." Erwin stood in the doorway, frowning at Rowena as he held his arms out for Helena. He held her briefly and kissed the top of her head. "I have missed you, daughter. Now, just look at you. Why, in a few years you will be too old to listen to your mother and I."

"As if you would not tell me what to do, no matter my age." Helena laughed and stood on her toes to kiss him good night. "I will see you both in the dining hall tomorrow."

She turned and sped out of the room, leaving Rowena looking after her and Erwin leaning against the doorframe watching Rowena.

"You are refusing to wear the diadem?"

"A symbol of fidelity from you? Yes, I think I will." She stood and looked at him. "Erwin, I do not know what is happening to me. I hurt. I cannot breathe and I hurt."

"I did not mean for his to happen. I just... it happened when I was alone..."

"Do not lie to me. After all this, do not lie." Rowena locked her eyes on his. "If I had someplace to go I would leave. This is all I have, Erwin. This is all. A husband that no longer is mine and a child that was not meant to be. This is my legacy."

"Come back to bed." He held out his hand to her.

"No, Erwin. I will ask you one thing and one thing only for my future. If you are unable to do this, I must know."

Erwin took two strides and caught her in his arms. "Do not do this, Rowena. I beg you, do not do this. How many times must I ask? How many times must I beg? Tell me, tell me and I will do it."

"I beg you only not to let Helena know, not yet, not until she must. Let her think for a while longer that she is yours."

"She is mine." He took hold of her shoulders and shook her. "I named her, I love her, and she is my daughter. She is mine."

"Until your son comes to school. Until he steps in to take what is his. How old is he, Erwin? How long have you been gone from me? How long does Helena have left?"

"I have never left you. I have..."

"Stop!" she shouted and pulled away from him. "Just tell me... no, I do not need you."

She ran to the desk, flicked her wand, lighting the candle, and flipped through the pages, confused as to where the name would appear. She looked up at him and puzzled what he had done, and then as she looked back at the pages, she knew.

"His name is Élan Morganson." She looked up at him to see his nod. "The names I could not name my own."

She put her hand over her mouth to stop the sobs and fresh pain at seeing the names they had chosen for their own sons look back at her from the pages. She knew that his father had accepted Leigh as his bride and would welcome her to his hearth. Élan would come for dinner and bring his own bride and children with him. She would not be mentioned, and Helena's name would not be known. She was dead to the clan. No longer banished, but as surely as others, her memory lay in the burial mound. She would be added to the dead in the songs of the clan.

She raised her eyes and saw him look back at her with her truth reflected in his eyes. She turned away from him and walked into Helena's old room, closed the door quietly and, pressing her back against the door, slid to the floor.

.