If I'm Not

If I'm Not

*********

If I'm not in love with you

What is this I'm going through tonight?

And if this heart is lying then

What should I believe in?

"Are you in love?"

She asked me that in the middle of the school year, and I answered her then with a big N-O, no. If she would ask me now I would probably still say no, well I think so anyway. And whenever that question echoes through my mind I would be left with sleepless nights looking for an answer, looking for a real answer.

I would often lay at night staring in the darkness, and from that darkness a blurry form would appear. A figure with so pale soft skin, bright blonde hair, mercurial silver eyes, and lips smiling at me yes, lips smiling not smirking. As the blur brightens up and the forms comes clearly into view and as I see who the person is, and whispers out his name, is the same person who torments my heart. I would reach for him and caress his cheeks and whisper I love you. As those three silent words slipped from my mouth, automatically the figure disappeared. A figure created by my imagination yet my heart beats so fast as if telling me that he was real, that he was really in front of me, waiting. And then I remember who he is, my mind keeps telling me to stop thinking of him, that it is wrong yet my heart tell me that I cannot choose whom I love, because when it happens it comes crushing down without warning. And again I am trapped between my mind and heart, right now I really don't know what to believe in, but still love is the only reason I know.

Why do I go crazy?

Everytime I think about you baby?

Why else do I want you like I do?

If I'm not in love with you

"Is that a new kind of Malfoy smirk or are you just smiling?"

My best friend asked me those same words for the hundredth time now, and it amazes me that he never grew tired asking me which everytime I would just turn my back on him. Everytime he asks me I turn my back on him, only to discreetly lift up my hands and feel that different curve adorning my lips, and as realization dawns on my that smug smile would turn out to be a wide grin automatically I would bow my head so low just to hide it because once it turns out to become a grin I wouldn't be able to control it anymore.

Alone in my bed sometimes I would scream, just scream or laugh hard, well that is behind the closed curtains and under the silencing charm. Sometimes I just can't help the surge of emotions that runs into my veins whenever I think of him. The messy black hair that stick outs everywhere, fine tanned complexion, pretty green eyes and that look of innocence that would make me sigh and my world would suddenly stop until I would be poked to be brought to reality. Whenever he is around, so many thoughts run into my mind that makes me do crazy things, like make funny jokes. Not jokes on people mind you, a funny clean joke, just to have a reason to smile and laugh when that ticklish feeling attacks me all because of him. And in the corner of my mind I ask myself, am I in love.

And if I don't need your touch

Why do I miss you so much, tonight?

If it's just infatuation

Thy why my heart is aching?

It's Halloween Ball, and I envy the couples dancing. Right here right now, they don't care about anything else, because all they care about is that they are trapped in the arms of the person they value the most. As I leave the hall I hugged my self tightly partly to protect my self from the cold, and partly imagining that you dance with me and that I am under the warmth of your embrace the kind of warmth that not only warms my skin, but my soul and my heart. As I head outside and feel the wrath of the cold winds, the more I ache for your touch. If I long so much for you, if such strong are my desires to be near you then maybe I need not look anymore. Maybe the answers that I am looking for are already laid down before me and I am just stubborn enough not to look down.

To hold you forever

Give a part of me I thought I'd never

Give again to someone I could loose

If I'm not in love with you

The Halloween Ball has ended and I retired to my room, I really got tired watching couples wrap their arms around each other. As I lay down I hugged my pillow tightly just how I would hold the person so dear to me, that is you, and I brought up my blanket up to my shoulder to keep me warm, as I how I wanted to feel melting the ice cold surrounding me with your presence. I have never felt how to be loved or how it is to give love, but as I watch the couples today I set aside my fears just to feel what they feel. To have you near me, to have you just within my reach and always be there forever. And then I ask my self once again, why in everything I want and everything I want to do, I would want you to be there. Maybe I don't have to ask anymore for the answers are just beside me, I just need to turn my head to be able to see it, but pride got in the way no I would not turn, I would wait for it to show up.

Oh why in every fantasy

Do I feel like your arms embracing me?

Like lovers lost in sweet desire

I walk towards you, and you outstretched your hands willing me to your waiting arms, to the safety of your embrace. I look into your eyes and I see me, clouded in all emotions you feel. I touch your cheeks and slowly I run my fingers to the outline of your jaw, down to your neck and I stop on your shirt-clad chest feeling the beating of your heart, never breaking eye contact. You whispered that it is me that makes it beat that way, fast and you brought my fingers to your lips and you told me that that it is me who took that smirk away and replaced it with a smile. I kissed you, oh so gently, savoring the lips that now have known how to smile. I cupped the cheeks that I used to touch only in my imagination. I threaded my fingers in the silkiness of his hair. My hand traveled on all direction, learning all the curves, taking in his scent, the feel the taste of bear skin and as I made love to you tonight I looked down and saw your eyes and I saw in them the answer that I have been looking for all along. And for the first time I will not have a sleepless night.

And why in dreams do I surrender like a little baby

How do I explain this feeling?

Someone tell me

You approached me one night, and as I see the look in your face it is but right that I hold you in my arms. You looked at me and I hid nothing from you, showing you all that I am, all that I feel for all that is me is you. You touched me so gently in places that would reveal to you things that I have hidden all this time and I whispered to you these things in words. You smiled at me, a smile that I would call my very own. You told me that I am always in your thoughts, and now you do to me things that you have only but imagined doing. I responded to your kisses, those sweet lips that had been my inspiration. As I surrender to you tonight, as I make love to you tonight I realized that I need not ask anymore, I swallowed my pride and saw you beside me and you showed me the answer that I have been looking for all this time. I reach for your glass carefully removing it and keeping it aside I look at you, remembering, reliving the passion that we have made, and slowly I closed my eyes surrendering to sleep.

If I'm not in love with you

What is this I'm going through tonight?

And if this heart is not lying then

What should I believe in?

As I stretch myself seeing the rays of sun peeping through the curtains, I slowly stood up slightly cursing for sleeping again with my glasses on. And I remembered last night how it felt, how surely I have felt. I have seen the answer and you are with me, you called me to you, we slept together and it was the most spectacular experience of my life, our first. We made love and I have found an answer. Then realization dawned upon me, and I looked at the place where you would lay asleep but you were not there, it was only but a dream a beautiful dream but it felt so real. Hurriedly I put on my clothes, after what I saw in your eyes this just have to be it. There is no other possible reason, I would never feel this way, and I would never go thru this whirlwind of emotions if it is not love. Yes I am in love, and it is you who I love. I hurried down the castle's many staircases down to the dungeons. I have known, now it is time for you to know.

Why do I go crazy?

Everytime I think about you baby

Why else do I want you like I do?

If I am not in love with you

I awakened at the sound of the birds chirping, and then I knew it was morning. I smile as I remember last night, and up to now I feel the warmth all over me. As I reach for you beside me what I felt is only the warmth of the pillow, hurriedly I reached for you glasses but it was not where I placed it last night. I opened my eyes only to see that the blanket is the one keeping me warm. It can't be, is it only but a dream but it was so real, the whispers and the touches. I sat upright thinking of things to do, things that should be done first this early morning. I took out my best robes, my heart beating so fast, last night you have given me the answers that I so long to know. There could be not other answers, I would never stop asking, and I would never stop looking if the answer is not you, if the answer is not love. Yes this is a smile on my lips all because I love. Quickly, I ran as fast as I could away from the dungeons up to the stairs towards their tower. I have seen now it is but the moment for you to see.

*************

Early in the morning there were two boys who hurriedly dressed up and ran away from the comfort of their houses towards the tower of another of their rival house. All this happened, all the answers that were seen, all the acceptance that was made, all because they have realized that they are in love with each other. In the middle of their rushed frantic running they stopped exactly halfway from where they left, exactly halfway to the place they were to go. Exactly in the middle of the staircase, well their individual staircase, one standing in the east wing the other at the west wing, despite the distance they have felt each other, despite the distance they locked their gazes and smiled. A smile that meant everything, a smile that means of confessing of a love that was found and a smile acknowledging the love that were given. After sometime the two were able to say their first words, after finding love.

"Harry."

"Draco."

-fin-