Win Some, Lose More

CHAPTER TWO - All Good Children Go To Smithe Manor (and Draco Malfoy Too)

They woke up one by one. Harry felt sick. Draco felt angry. Ron felt nothing below the waist.

They'd miraculously appeared in front of a large country manor, which at least matched he description. There were red squirrels around, which meant they were either in the correct half of he country or the wrong continent.

They lay soaking on a dew covered lawn, which was made wet further by muggle lawn sprinklers. Once that thought hit Harry, he then noticed that this was definitely the home of a muggle. There was a muggle car in the driveway - a very expensive Porsche at that - and in the centre of the lawn a bright pink flamingo light. The manor itself was the kind of house they could imagine Snape owning. It was large, dark, disturbing and ancient, much like the Professor's mind. Also like the Professors mind, Harry suspected it had bats in the belfry. Well, the attic at least.

They made their way to the door, bewildered and wet to the skin, and Draco went to knock the door. He'd expected that it'd open mysteriously with a loud creak before his fist connected. He stopped with a millimetre to spare, and felt like quite an idiot when Ginny rapped it instead.

A few seconds later the door, un-eerily and on well-oiled hinges swung open. They were greeted by a man who reminded them much of Snape, which is to say that the entire visiting party crapped themselves when he said "Good morning," in tones Henry VIII used when he said 'We are not amused; Anne Boleyn didn't amuse me.'

After the initial shock it was easy to tell that this man was of no relation to Snape. This man was of an altogether different shape. He was quite fit and reasonably attractive, though he was obviously artificial from the skin up. Under a black bathrobe with a teddy bear in the pocket he wore a pink shirt and tight leather trousers that made Hermione and Ginny both to blush to the roots of their hair. If anyone looked down they'd have noticed he was wearing bunny slippers, but they didn't, because they were busy looking at the pink curlers in his thick black hair.

"You must be Severus' students," he said, in words that would have contained knives if he didn't follow it with: "Deary me, and here's me looking like this. I do so apologise. Please come in."

He waddled off.

Harry noted that he walked with his elbows at ninety degrees at all times and always kept his palms back. Every know and then he'd stop to water one of the numerous plants that lined the corridors of the manor with a pink plastic watering can.

He lead them into a large room with antiquated furniture and said:

"Well I'm very pleased to meet you," the voice still could have been used to strip people's auras. "Severus is upstairs in the shower. He should be done any time now. My name's Julian Smithe. And this is Smithe Manor, my humble home. Do have some tea, please."

Julian poured them all a hot cup of tea, which the assembled students took very reluctantly, fearing it may have contained whatever Smithe was on.

"I say, you don't talk much do you?"

Ron choked on his tea.

"Well, er, this is a very nice house you've got mere, ER, Mr. Smithe-"

"Oh, none of that formal stuff, please," said Smithe. "You can call Julie."

Ginny choked on her tea.

"There are rather a lot more of you than I'd expected. I recall Severus only requested four of you."

"There were confusions," said Harry. "The note just said 'Weasley', so we brought everyone."

"Oh? I could have sworn I wrote a footer."

Ron reached into his pocket and extracted the note. It did indeed have, by the name Weasley, an asterisk, which was conveyed at the footer as:

"'The one which isn't female and doesn't have a twin, and if you get me that prefect bastard I'll scream.'" read Ron.

"Sorry. I was taking dictation from Severus," said Julie.

Ron realised why they hadn't seen it. The footer, written in glitter pen, would have been unreadable in the darkness of Hogwarts' ill-lit towers.

It was a matter of debate in Harry's mind for weeks afterwards whether or not Snape's sudden appearance was altogether a bad thing, given the circumstances.

"Ah," began Snape. "I see you're," he counted them silently, "all here. May I inquire why?"

They explained.

"Ah," said Snape again. "And no doubt you are wondering why I've summoned you here?"

"As a matter of fact," said Malfoy, "we were hoping that we could summon you back to Hogwarts. Even the Gryffindors want you back. They've given us Edwards."

"Dick Ed?" said Snape in what was close to shock, "but he's a, a "

No-one was going to say it, but then:

"Dickhead?" suggested Julie.

"Precisely. And I shall return, as soon as you aid me with," he smiled a sinister smile, "a minor task. I believe we should wait until it becomes apparent to you all. It's still early in the morning, five thirty in fact, and besides, I think you may want to change out of those dripping robes. I paid for half this carpet, you know."

* * * * *

They had spent the rest of the day wondering what Snape had meant. There certainly didn't seem to be anything unusual about the place, although naturally there was Julie, who was very unusual. And Snape. And the twins, not counting Ginny, Hermione and Ron. But that was pretty much it. There wasn't a butler or anything like that, but Harry supposed that was just because Julie was the kind of man who liked doing things by himself. He was after all a wonderful chef, and before bed everyone was given a teacake with, little to Harry's surprise, pink icing on top. Even Snape had one.

Harry had the unbelievable joy of being put in a room between the twins, who pretended to be savaged by vengeful spirits until the early hours of the morning, which is why Harry was still looking blindly into the blackness at three in the morning, when there was a rap at his door.

He got up and felt his way to the door, which he opened. Standing on the other side was a figure that after a few seconds he recognised as Hermione, though he was hardly in the light nor state of mind to see much further.

"Yeah?" he said sleepily.

"I was, well, I, ER," fumbled Hermione, and then she bit her lip, "have you noticed anything weird about the place?"

Harry blinked. "It's the twins," he said. "Goodnight."

"No! Wait. I don't mean that. I can cope with suspicious moaning at night. We get that all the time in the girl's dorm at Hogwarts."

"Ghosts?"

Hermione hesitated. "ER, yeah. Sure. Anyway, it's just that, well, have you, you know the door at the end of the corridor? The one with the posters of ponies on it?"

"Julie's room eh?"

"However could you have deduced that Sherlock?" asked Hermione sarcastically.

"Elementary my dear Watson. I-"

"Anyway, I went to get myself a glass of milk, because I always have a glass of milk during the night, ever since I was a baby-"

"Really? I never knew that."

"That's because the only thing you can milk at Hogwarts is Mrs. Norris. Anyway, when I was walking out I saw Julie drawing a chalk circle at his bedroom door as he was preparing to retire."

"That was three hours ago!"

"Well, yes. It took him a while to make a perfect pentagram and light the black candles, and the Incantation of the Divine Protection took at least twenty minutes. And then he sacrificed a black pudding."

"A black pudding?"

"The Ancient Greeks used to do that. You'd do well to learn some history."

"And that took three hours?"

"No, but then he sprinkled flowers at the foot of all the doors and placed a statuette of the Virgin Mary by each of them. With a slice of black pudding."

Harry looked down. "Where's my black pudding?" he said.

"Well, after I went to get my milk I felt a bit hungry," said Hermione.

"Well thanks for telling me this. We're now protected from leprechauns, pixies, demons, ghosts and beings from The Place That Must Not Be Named."

"And vampires."

"Sorry?"

"There was also some garlic bread."

Harry considered the odour, now that she mentioned it.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" Harry hazarded.

"No I bloody well am not, Harry Potter!"

"The statuette of the Virgin Mary isn't silver, is it?"

"Don't be silly. That'd only work if you hit them round the head with it!"

"Silly me. Did you get your milk?"

"Yes." There was a pause.

"Anything else I can help you with? I mean I'm only lacking four hours sleep. Nothing extreme."

"Well, I, ER "

"Out with it girl!"

"I say, you're really, really mean when you're tired. D'you know that?"

"Sorry. What were you saying?"

"I was wondering if I could, well, sleep in here. On the floor perhaps. You see Julie's put these weird things on the floor outside Ginny's room and mine-"

"So you've said."

"Yes, but these weird things are iron bars bolted into the floor labelled: 'In case of virgin maiden sacrifice, enter here'."

"Oh," said Harry. "Oh!"

"Have you go the jist yet?"

"Something's out there "

"And it probably isn't the truth, I can assure you. Now, I've alerted Ginny and she's gone to Ron's room, and I need somewhere to sleep now, because I don't have the equipment nor the magical knowledge to unbolt the bars."

"Well, okay. But I think we should probably talk to Julie about this in the morning. There's nothing wrong with strange things lurking in the shadows of night, but virgin sacrifice is just wrong. So I'll be happy to rectify the situation by letting you in my room," said Harry a manic and tired glint in his eye.

"Thanks," she said, missing the innuendo. "I'll sleep on the chair. Goodnight."

* * * * *

Early next morning, at around seven thirty, Hermione wandered out of Harry's room again to go to the bathroom. As she walked by, Fred Weasley opened his own bedroom door. He could have sworn Hermione was on the other side of his room the other night. And then he saw Harry's door ajar.

He wandered over and peeped in. Harry hadn't had a very good night, and had tossed and turned considerably. His quilt had fallen off the bottom and his bedsheets detached at one corner. And in the centre was Harry Potter, sleeping like a baby.

Fred put one and one together, and ended up with five. He tiptoed in and gently woke his colleague up

"HARRY! COME QUICK! THE SCHOOL'S ON FIRE!"

Harry woke with a start, looked around, and then sank down again, his heart pounding.

"Please don't do that," said Harry. "Ourgh. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"I guessed as much."

Naturally, you loud bastard, thought Harry.

"I see Hermione's up already," he said.

"Well, I noticed that as well," said Fred, running the following conversation through his head quickly. "And you can't get up much better after getting down."

"Well, you have to be down to sleep, don't you?"

I dunno, thought Fred. I know lots of ways to get down that you can do upright. Or at least on your knees.

"Harry, you rascal," he blurted. "Can't say I blame you. I'd have done the same."

"Well, she did consider coming to you, but she thought that she'd probably have a much better night with me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you and George, you're rather, loud "

"I see. Didn't want Snapey to come along and catch you in the act, eh?"

"No. It was Julie actually. That's why she came here. If it weren't for him she never would came come in here."

"I see. I see," said Fred, shaking his head. "Well Harry, she's a pretty girl and I can understand why you did it. You're getting older, and I really have to say that it was totally natural, but I just don't think you should be committing yourself like this."

"Oh? I thought I did a pretty good job. She said I didn't groan at all in the night and she actually managed to get quite comfortable. I gave her my quilt after all."

"Tsk, tsk. And did you use protection?"

"Oh yes. Julie left it at the door. In copious quantities I might add."

"Blimey!"

"That's what I thought."

"I think I'll have to have a word with Mr. Smithe, but I just want you to know that it wasn't your fault. It was perfectly natural for a lad your age."

"At any age I should think. After all, it's not like we had sex or anything."

There was a long embarrassed silence.

"Well of course," said Fred, his face as red as his hair. "I suspected that you'd, well, not that I'm, you know it's - good morning Harry."

"ER, good morning Fred."

Fred walked out and went back to his room. Then the bathroom door opened. Hermione walked back to Harry's room, but by the time she reached the door she was confronted by George.

"Hello George. I hope you had a pleasant night. I certainly did."

It took George a few seconds to register, and then it clicked.

"Well, ER, Hermione, you're a young woman know and, well, it might seem at times like this that, well, with all the pressure I can't say I blame you. It's perfectly natural."

"I'm not too sure on that. I did consider spending the night with you, but, no offence intended, you can be rather loud. I felt Harry was better suited for my needs. I'm telling you though, it wasn't very easy to get comfortable. I must have tried at least fifty positions."

George was impressed. "Fifty?"

"Well, it was on a chair after all."

"Cor!"

"Exactly. But Harry was very kind and courteous."

"Gosh!"

Ginny walked out of Ron's room. George eyed her suspiciously.

"What're you doing in there? What've you and Ron been getting up to?"

"Well, same thing as them," said Ginny innocently.

George yelped and jumped into his twin's room.

"Fred, Fred, you'll never believe it!"

"They're not having sex, George."

"Oh."

"That's what I said. Mind you though I wouldn't blame them if they did. That Granger's turning into quite an attractive young lady."

George nodded in agreement.

"Potter ain't half bad either," he said.

* * * * *

Smithe Manor had a small breakfast bar with a rectangular wooden table in front of it. At one end sat Snape. At the other end sat everyone else.

Julie was making pancakes, and the sweet aroma was just too much for anyone to ask about sacrifice, or, in the twins' case, sex, in case he forgot to feed them.

He was reading the Daily Prophet with interest as he cooked, every now and then pointing out interesting articles to Snape.

"Bother, Madame d'Armour's Man Eating Pet Stores gone down two percent, Severus," he'd say.

"Bugger," Snape would say. "Bloody krakens."

Eventually he laid everyone's places, put a large jug of iced tea in the middle of the table and sat down somewhere in the gulf between Snape and his students. He lay the paper down in front of him.

"What's that?" said Malfoy, trying to make out a photo upside-down.

Ginny, who was the on the right side, couldn't tell either, because whatever it was was thrashing in a blur as it ate the photographer.

"Oh, that's the two headed slime demon of Manchester. It escaped from its subterranean prison yesterday and ate five innocent bystanders," he sighed. "Terrible isn't it?"

Snape grinned.

"And on the subject of terrible and unfeasibly painful death," he said as though it were normal breakfast conversation, "have you any idea what's going on here, why I've called you to Smithe Manor and, indeed, why Julie called me here?"

"We have an idea," said Hermione. "Tell me Julie, why black pudding?"

Julie didn't even hesitate. He didn't flinch. He didn't even shift focus with his eyes. It would be worth it if he at least began to stare into nothing, but instead he turned over the page of the newspaper and looked at Hermione.

"Well, according to a tribe of Native Americans who used to live south of the Mississippi River, the bladder of an animal can be used to ward off evil fire spirits and I thought to hell with it; the rest of animal has to keep something away. And black pudding has everything."

"I think that's sausage," said Ron.

"No, that's only bits of meat minced up in its intestines," said George. "What you want is pate."

"That's hardly the whole beast, is it?" said Fred. "Now broth, the way the Spartans done it. That's where the organs lie "

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Ginny.

"And what was that about virgin maiden sacrifice?" inquired Hermione.

She looked at Julie. Julie looked at Hermione. Julie looked at Snape. Snape looked at no-one. Everyone looked at Snape. Snape looked falsely nonchalant.

"It was you, wasn't it?" said Harry.

"Well, why do you think I asked for Miss Granger in the first place," said Snape. "It's not as though I didn't have good cause."

"Yes, but why did you want any of us here in the first place?"

The two eerie men looked at each other and sighed. They'd have to tell them.

"Well-" began Julie.

"Do you think maybe I should tell them?" said Snape. "After all I am fearsomely melodramatic."

"Fair enough, fair enough."

"There's something out there. Something unnatural. Something death forgot!"

"Nearly-Headless Nick?" suggested Ron.

"No! It is an evil creature of violence and despair!"

"Malfoy?" suggested Harry.

"Hey-" began Draco.

"Something that causes nightmares! Something born of nightmares! Disturbed nightmares of evil men! Something that no man should have to see!"

There was a pause.

"Oh no," said Harry again. "It isn't Gilderoy Lockhart is it?"

"No! It's a bloody monster."

"Ah."

"We don't know what it is or where it came from," said Julie, "only that a week ago it took my butler, Jeeves."

"Jeeves?" said Ginny suspiciously.

"Yes, Jeeves. Alas he's now gone to that great," he began to sob, "that great, broom cupboard in the, [sniff], sky."

"There, there, old chap," said Fred. "He might still be alive."

"I doubt it."

"Why?" said George. "All we [sniff] found was, his head."

"Bugger."

"There are worse ways to go," said Snape. "I'm certain on that."

No-one wanted to retort to that.

"And now you're wondering where you all come into this?" queried Snape.

Everyone nodded.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually."

He ignored the bombardment of complaints thrown against him.

"Seriously, no-one's better at putting there noses where they're not wanted than Potter and his lackeys, and naturally Malfoy's a devious worm who will find out quite a lot I'm sure."

Malfoy swallowed.

"And since you're all in the same situation, i.e. likely to find out what I haven't or die a horrible and painful death, I'm sure you'll all get along like a house on fire," his tone suggested that he'd set quite a lot of houses on fire to prove this theory.

* * * * *

Later that day, in the drawing room

"Come on Malfoy. This isn't a matter of inter-house rivalry. This isn't a matter of genetic pride. This isn't even a matter of friends. It's a matter of-"

"Finding out what Snape was going on about?" said Malfoy. "I have nothing against any of you when we're in these situations, Granger. It's just that I have something against being decapitated by a squirrel eating fiend from hell. I'm sure you understand."

"Oh, and what are you going to do then?" said Hermione. "Make a spell proof bunker in the back garden?"

Draco sneered. He was very good at it.

"I'm packing my possessions and going back to Hogwarts. A few hours on the train to London and then I can take the underground."

"And I suppose you're swimming in muggle money?"

"I always thought carrying around a few bob might come in handy some day. It turns out I was right all along. Amazing what a superior intellect can do."

"Have you no balls?"

"Oh I see? And now you think I can't play quiddich?"

"I meant - never mind. The fact is that Harry and the Weasleys are staying, and half that number Snape didn't even ask for."

"So be it."

"He's going to be really angry," she yelled as he exited the room. "I'm telling you Draco Malfoy, if you don't help us on this one I'll kill you myself."

Malfoy walked back in again.

"And why should I take preference to a monster doing the same thing to me?"

"Because we don't even know if it's still around. We might not even have to face it," a thought aspired to Hermione. "I'm sure Snape will reward Slytherin handsomely."

"And Gryffindor, and there are more of you than there are of us. Me, I mean."

"Well then, you'd better get cracking, hadn't you?"

"Well I suppose-"

"And what was that about Jenny Spindlemoon of Ravenclaw earning fifty points in one week? Are you going to let that go without a challenge?"

"Of course not, I-"

"And what about Hufflepuff? They nearly beat you lot in that last quiddich match! Are you going to let them think you can't stand up to the horror of horrors either?"

"Never!"

"Right then!"

"Right!"

Hermione felt rather proud of herself. She asked Draco to hand over his muggle money, just in case he changed his mind later. She pocketed it, well aware of how useful fifty pounds would be in the approaching summer.

Then she walked out of the room and stood at the foot of the stairs.

"Harry?" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "We've got the bait!"

Malfoy ran.

Not fast enough.

END OF ACT TWO. BLESS YOU.