I'm Still Here

I'm Still Here

By fbline

"Hey, Harry."

If Ron hadn't said anything, I probably wouldn't have noticed you going by. My instinctive reaction is to run after you and beg you to give me another chance, but I don't imagine that would be a good idea. It's not that I've got too much pride for such a thing, I think I gave that up a long time ago. It's not that I'm afraid I'd be embarrassed either, I've been made a fool of a million times in front of the whole school plenty of times. No, the reason I'm not bolting out the door right now after you is because I know what you'd say, and I don't want to hear it. The look you gave me just now says it all; I don't even exist to you anymore. I wish my feelings could disappear so easily.

What made you give up on me? I tried my best to be the man you wanted, but I guess my best wasn't good enough. I never tried to replace Cedric with you, I knew I'd never be able to do that, and I'd never want to. I know that you never really get over a first love, but what do I do since you were mine? What could I have done differently that would have kept you loving me? I know that you did at one time, so what did I do wrong? You can't pin all of this on Hermione; this is between you and me.

I found the pieces in my hand

They were always there

It just took some time for me to understand

You gave me words I just can't say

So if nothing else

I'll just hold on while you drift away

'Cause everything you wanted me to hide

Is everything that makes me feel alive

I knew I was in love with you at the Yule Ball last year. I had gone there with Parvarti, but in my heart, I was there with you. Between my jealousy towards Cedric, and my lustful daydreams of you, I'm amazed Parvarti didn't ditch me earlier. I consoled myself at the time with the knowledge that Ron was going through the same thing with thinking of Hermione and Krum. I couldn't help but think that my situation was worse, though. At least Ron got to stay best friends with Hermione, but you were barely in my periphery. I couldn't help but think that, if not for Cedric, I could have been the one you would be kissing goodnight.

I never actually wanted anything to happen to Cedric. I still have nightmares about seeing his lifeless body falling next to me. I didn't even get a chance to grieve for him until much later. At the time, Voldemort was planning on doing the same to me. And then, when I did manage to get back to Hogwarts, I had to be saved from the Death Eater posing as Professor Moody. By the time everything settled, it was the end of the term, and I was on my way back to the Muggle world. By the time this term started, I had spent time over the summer with Ron and Hermione, and they had helped me through the worst of it. You didn't have anyone for that. I'm ashamed that I never thought about how you were coping. I guess I was too busy with my own life to think about anything else.

The cities grow

The rivers flow

Where you are I never know

But I'm still here

If you were right

And I was wrong

Why are you the one who's gone?

And I'm still here

I can still feel your kiss upon my lips. I can still smell the jasmine scented bliss of holding you. I had dreamed of being with you for a year, and now my dream had come true. I knew that you were very emotional, and that the kiss was more out of need of love rather than the presence of it, but to me it was nirvana.. And for all the joy of your kiss, holding you was an even greater one. My hands still remember the contour of your slender back and shoulders, and I can still feel your warm breath on my neck. I couldn't even speak for nearly an hour afterwards. Ron had laughed at me because of my awkwardness. I didn't care though; I had seen my dream come true, and there is no shame in that.

If that night was my heaven, then Valentine's Day was my hell. I still don't let myself think back on that day. It's funny, I've managed to survive Voldemort on five different occasions now, and yet, I couldn't make a go of a simple date with you. I knew we would have some awkwardness in the beginning, but I really wanted things to work out. Maybe I shouldn't have told Hermione that I'd meet her that day, but I couldn't imagine that you'd get so angry. I told you that I wanted you to come, but that didn't seem to help at all. In fact, it seemed to make you even angrier. I wouldn't have cared if you had wanted me to come with you to meet up with some of your friends. Of course, most of your friends are girls, but I don't see where that makes any difference.

I've seen the ashes in my heart

I smile the widest

When I cry inside and my insides blow apart

I tried to wear another face

Just to make you proud

Just to make you put me in my place

But everything you wanted from me

Is everything that I could never be

I knew it was over after the last time was talked. You didn't care about me; you were more concerned with your friend, Marietta. I tried to get you to realize that she had sold you out as much as the rest of us, but you wouldn't listen. Not to me, anyway. And then you had to throw Hermione in my face again. Did you expect me to stop being her friend, just because you didn't like her for some reason? Couldn't you just have taken me as I am? My being friends with her has nothing to do with you and I, and yet, it somehow managed to come between us all the same.

I still remember you running away from me after that. Maybe I should have run after you, but I thought that would just make things worse. I don't know what I would have said even if I had. I could have said I was sorry, but you'd heard that before. I could have told you I loved you, but that would have probably just made you sad. I guess I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I ended up doing nothing, which is still a decision, I guess. Oh well, that's all in the past now, just like we are.

Maybe tonight

It's gonna be all right

I will get better

Maybe today

It's gonna be ok

I will remember

So, here I sit. Nobody knows where to look now. They're all afraid of what kind of reaction I might have at seeing you. I guess I don't blame them; I have had some pretty intense reactions lately. I play it cool and say I don't mind seeing you, as if saying it made it so. What should I tell them? That my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces? Should I tell them I'd rather have a dementor sucking the soul from my body, then to see you walking by in so much indifference? No, like every time before I'll just push the pain below. I dread the day that I can't push it down anymore. I only hope that by then I'll find a way to channel it safely.

I've had a love-hate relationship with the summer since I started Hogwarts. I'm always ready to get away from studying and exams, but the idea of a few weeks back on Privet Drive is always enough to make me yearn for the next term to start. I'll have a lot to think about this summer; Sirius dying, the prophecy, Voldemort, and a million other things. You'll be one of them too. I don't know what it will be like when we see each other next. I almost wish that this was your last year, since it would be a lot easier if I wasn't going to see you again. You'll be back, and so will I. I really hope that we can at least be friends on some level. I don't want to think that you are out of my life entirely now; all that's in the future, though. For now, I hope you have a good summer. I'll be thinking of you.

I held the pieces of my soul

I was shattered

And I wanted to you to come and make me whole

Then I saw you yesterday

But you didn't notice

And you just walked away

'Cause everything you wanted me to hide

Is everything that makes me feel alive

The lights go out

The bridges burn

Once you go you can't return

But I'm still here

Remember when you used to say

I'd be the one to run away

But I'm still here

I'm still here