Haven't Seen For a While

Haven't Seen For a While

By fbline

Dear Hermione:

How are you? Things here are about the usual. I know I've only been here a few weeks, but I'm already sick of this place. One thing is different this summer; I've got myself a job. Uncle Vernon said he was tired of me "being a parasite", so he's got me working at his drill company. My job is to sweep the floors and clean up. I had my first day there today. If you can imagine how dirty you get after using floo powder, and then magnify that by about a hundred, you have some idea of how I looked after I got off. On top of that, Uncle Vernon didn't want me to talk to anyone else working there, so he told them all I was a mute. That's fine though, most of the people working there don't speak English anyway. At least it gets me out of the house, I guess that's something.

While I'm working, I try to think of other stuff all the time. The main thing I keep coming back to is how the school year ended. I have several different nightmares about that night. One of them involves you getting hit by that curse by Dolohov. When I saw that wave of energy hit you, I thought that the whole world was ending. All I could think of was that you were dead, and it was all my fault. First it was my parents, and then Cedric, and now you. I managed to stun him though, but I regret doing that now. I should have used the killing curse for what he did to you. I wanted him to pay for what he had done. If it weren't for Neville being there, I think I might have tried to use it on him. That's when my feelings for you changed I guess. I vowed that, if you lived, I would tell you how I felt. I never got much of a chance, though. When Sirius died, my mind went blank. I've had time to come to terms with it now, and I can now go through with what I should have told you then. It could just as easily have been me that went through that veil, or it could have been you. I've never been good at telling people how I feel, and this is the most important thing I've ever had to say. So, here goes nothing.

As I lay here in bed, your smile fills my head.

And I'm using this pen to talk to you, from a southern way.

It's been weeks since I've seen you last.

The time away from you ain't moving to fast.

Wishing my summer away just to see you again.

There are few people in my life that I've ever really cared about, that I've ever really loved. I don't use that word lightly; it means more to me than anything in the world. For the first eleven years of my life, I never heard anyone say it to me. I would hear Aunt Petunia tell Dudley she loved him, but she never said it to me. I grew up feeling that there must be something wrong with me that caused me to be unworthy of love. When I learned that Sirius was my godfather, I felt for the first time that I was worthy of love, and I loved him for it. I realized this was the type of love that has protected me since the night my mother gave her life for me. This kind of love was as easy as it was unconditional. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be now if I'd known that kind of love growing up. Things would be so different than they are now.

For as easy as that kind of love was, the kind I feel now is infinitely more complicated. I thought I had been in love with Cho, but I realize now that was a mistake. Whatever I did feel for her was a mere shadow of what I'm feeling now. For Ginny's sake, I hope that this is not the way that she felt for me back in her first year. I would hate to think that she was as utterly confused as I am now. The love I feel for you is all consuming. Every time I try to concentrate on something, all I can think about is you. Thoughts of seeing you again make every passing second seem like an eternity. I keep constant watch for the mail, hoping against hope that I'll hear something from you. I strain to listen for the sound of the telephone, hoping to hear your voice. Even thoughts of Voldemort cannot break your hold on my mind.

I'm there by your side, looking in your eyes

Seeing you with me, what else can there be?

If I could get away, I would be there today

You'd be wearing that smile,

Haven't seen for a while

I've read all the letters you've sent to me about a thousand times, my feverish mind looking for some sign that you might reciprocate my feelings. I've underlined every single "I love you", and circled the hearts you use to dot the i in your name. Do you mean the same love as I do? I cannot allow myself to believe it, but my heart yearns for it to be true. You always tell me to take care of myself, and that you will see me soon. How soon is "soon?" Not soon enough, I know that. "Take care of yourself", Christ, you sound just like Ron, our best friend, who just happens to love you as well. I know that loving you is the same as betraying him, but I just can't help it.

I've been getting a lot of owls from Ron. He's worried about me too. He says that I can come to the Burrow for my birthday this summer. He said his mum's going to have a "Sweet Sixteen" party for me. I'm not sure whether to look forward to that or not. He said you've agreed to be there as well, so that the three of us could all be together. He said that your parents would be picking me up this year, owing to the last time that his family was here. That means it will just be you and I. You will have read this by then; will you still come for me? Will there be awkwardness between us now? Will you still want me as your friend, now that you know how I really feel? I cannot bear the thought of losing you, but neither can I think of lying to you. I know you may never feel the same was as I do, but I also know that I will never feel any differently. I wish I could be with you, I wish I could be holding you in my now empty arms. You are everything to me Hermione; my life is meaningless without you in it.

I wake up everyday, go thorough the same routine.

Go to work, come home, what does it all really mean?

Check the mail just hoping to find,

Another note from you would ease my mind

It's 5:15;

I can picture you driving home

From your same old scene

In five you'll hear the phone ringing,

Have to settle for talking again.

I got my O.W.L. results today. I did better than I thought I would. I never expected to do that well in Divination, or History of Magic, but I never thought I'd get an O in potions. Without Snape, I must have been able to concentrate better. I did well enough to continue on with my plan to become an Auror. Professor McGonagall enclosed a letter saying that I had received the exact same marks as my father when he was my year. She also gave me some flack about not doing better in Divination and History of Magic, but she also encouraged me to see her next term, for Introductory Auror Training. I'm really thinking about making it a career; I think my parents would have been proud of me for it. I must confess though that I'd like to make you proud of me, too.

Well, I've spent the entire night writing you this letter. Hedwig has just returned with what appears to be a vole in her beak. Lovely. The sky outside is just starting to morph from pink to orange, and I can hear Uncle Vernon moving around in the hall. He'll start banging on my door soon, kind of like a red faced wrecking ball in slippers. I may not have gotten any sleep, but it was well worth it. I'm going to seal this up immediately and send it out with Hedwig straight away for you. If you're still reading this, than I hope you'll send me back a response. I don't expect you to love me the same way, although I pray that you might, someday. Until I hear from you, know that I am with you in spirit, and that I love you more than I could ever say.

See you soon,

Harry

I can picture you now,

You're standing outside your house.

The breeze if blowing

Off your northern shore

Now I'm loving you more.

I long for the days

When there are no good byes.

Wish I could see you,

Wipe the tears from your eyes.

Tell you everything's all right,

Lay you down

Say to you goodnight

I'm there by your side,

Looking in your eyes

Seeing you with me,

What else could there be?

If I could get away

I would be there today

You'd be wearing that smile,

Haven't seen for a while.