Always The Last To Know

Always the Last to Know

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Dear Hermione:

I received your owl this morning. I'm supposed to be getting ready for class, but I don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything. Your owl came a few minutes before the one I received from Professor Dumbledore, telling me that I should feel free to take the rest of the day off. I just don't understand how he knows things as soon as they happen. I think he may have lied to Karkaroff, I can't imagine any secrets around here that he doesn't know about. I was honored when he offered me the post of professor of Defense Against The Dark Arts. One thing that Durmstrang did for me was give me a thorough understanding of Dark Magic. I should have known that it was because our dear Headmaster was a disciple of the Dark Lord.

I felt I belonged here the moment I set foot here four years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago now. I didn't want to come here then; I'd been traveling the world since the moment I started chasing the snitch. I was sick of it by seventh year. I remember Karkaroff telling the whole school about the TriWizard tournament, and how he would be taking only a select group of students with him. I don't know why he didn't just save himself the effort and just taken me alone. He made sure that all the others were completely inept, that way I would have no problems getting picked by the Goblet of Fire. All the way over to Hogwarts on the ship, he forced them all to work like slaves, while he did nothing. I wasn't allowed to help them; Karkaroff kept me under watch the whole time. I was to be the champion, not some common lackey. I was used to this; it was the same when I played Quidditch. There was always someone treating me like some kind of god, just as long as they could make some galleons off me.

So you're in love with someone else

Someone who burns within your soul

And it looks like I'm

The last to know

When I got to Hogwarts, I thought I was in heaven. In Durmstrang, we were always very cold, and the food was nearly inedible. I could tell right away that Professor Dumbledore was a much better Headmaster than Karkaroff was, even though Karkaroff has told us that Dumbledore was a decrepit old fool, who was blinded by his, "love for Mudbloods and half-breeds." Karkaroff told us not to trust him, or anyone else at Hogwarts. He didn't realize that was what made me want to know more about the place, and the people. I remember spending hours in the library, trying to find out the things that are kept a secret back at Durmstrang. I was able to learn a lot about Karkaroff that cemented my opinion of him as the one that should not be trusted. That's also when I met you. I had never seen anyone so brilliant, and yet so beautiful as well. At first, I constantly saw you in the company of two other boys, and I assumed that one of them would be your boyfriend, so I merely watched you from afar. But then the Goblet chose the champions, all four of us. Afterwards, you seemed to only be spending your time with one of them, and you didn't seem to act as lovers do, so I saw this as my chance. Fleur had asked me to go with her to the Yule Ball, but I had turned her down. I had already made up my mind who I wanted to take.

Being with you at the Yule Ball was one of the greatest nights of my life. You were, by far, the most beautiful girl in the whole school, in the world as far as I was concerned. You were so easy to talk to; I had never been able to talk to anyone like I was able to talk to you. We didn't have to talk about Quidditch, or the tournament, or anything that everyone else wanted to talk to me about. I could just be myself around you, not what everyone else wanted me to be. I must confess that I had the idea of disapperating the two of us back to the ship while we were dancing. I didn't know that there was a charm to prevent that. You were preoccupied that night. I know that you tried to give me all your attention, but I could tell that your heart was troubled. I flattered myself at first by thinking that you were distracted by falling in love with me, but it wasn't me you were thinking of. When I came back from getting us some drinks, you were gone. Fleur was the one who told me she had seen you talking with your friends, Ron and Harry. She didn't even bother trying to conceal her joy at the expression on my face. She mumbled a few words in French to me; I imagine she didn't think that I'd understand them. She didn't know that I can speak many different languages. Besides, you don't need a mastery of the language to know what, "I told you so", means. I let it go though, you were merely saying hello to your friends. I went over there after you, but you had already left. I could tell that your friend, Ron, was angry about something. I guessed it had something to do with why you had left. Harry seemed to be distracted about something; I figured that it had something to do with the tournament, since I knew that he hadn't wanted to be in it in the first place. I made a snap decision; Ron was angry because you were with me, and that he had told you so. That would explain why you had left so quickly. I had thought that you may have had feelings for Harry, and I now suspected that Ron had feelings for you. I decided that this love triangle was what was weighing on your mind. I guess I was somewhat accurate, but I didn't know that at the time.

I hear you've never felt so alive

So much desire beyond control

And as usual I'm

The last to know

I made a choice. I decided that, between the two, Harry was the one I should focus on. You seemed to talk about him all the time, even when it was just you and I together. I contented myself that he was the reason that you were holding back, that you continually deflected my advances. I wasn't used to that either. Perhaps it was because you seemed unobtainable that I became obsesses with having you. I came to look at you like a snitch that was just out of my reach. I treated Harry as if he was the other team's Seeker, both of us fighting over you as our prize. I confronted him the night I was attacked. He promised me the two of you were only friends, and always had been. So, I believed him. I then thought of Ron, but you always seemed to be fighting with him about something. I decided that I was just being paranoid. I was the one you cared about, not them. After the tournament, I would tell you how I felt, and ask you to come with me to Bulgaria. With you at my side, I could put my former life behind and create a new one where I could finally be happy.

I don't remember anything after stepping into that maze. I had heard a gruff voice call my name from behind the hedge and, the next thing I knew, I was being enervated by your Charms professor. Everything seemed to be in chaos. Fleur was lying next to me; she had just been enervated as well. When she came to, she turned to look at me and started screaming, saying that I had attacked her in the maze. I didn't know what to say. I knew I would never do such a thing, but I could offer no defense. It was only later that it was told to me that I had been put under the Imperious curse. I looked around; you were nowhere to be seen. I heard people yelling about someone being dead, and about the Dark Lord. I couldn't comprehend it all, and my thoughts were still very much unfocused from the curse. I instantly went in search of you and was stopped by your friend, the half-giant. He told me you were with your friends, and that Harry had been attacked by the Dark Lord, and that Cedric had been the one who had been killed. I felt like an outsider again. I couldn't be with you, so I would have to wait.

The last to know

How you're feeling

The last to know

Where you are

The last to know

If you're happy now

Or if he's treating you

Like I treated you

Or if he's cruel

I'll be the last to know

I wanted you to come to Bulgaria that summer, but you told me you would be too busy studying for your O.W.L. exams. I understood, knowing how important it was for you to do well on them. I even waited until the end of the summer to write you, not wanting to distract your studying. You wrote me back telling me that you had been busy, but that you couldn't tell me anything about it. I naturally became suspicious. Why could you not tell me what you had been doing? You had already told me you were going to spend the summer studying, and now you were doing something that you could not tell me about? I felt betrayed and confused. My insecurities all came back to haunt me. I told you that I could come and see you before school started, but you told me it would have been impossible. You still wouldn't tell me where you were, or what you were doing. And then you mentioned Harry being there with you. It was all suddenly clear to me now. You had both been playing me false, treating me like a fool for over a year. I imagined the two of you together, laughing at me for believing you. I began preparations immediately to travel to England and demand satisfaction. I could never be angry with you, but Harry would have to pay for looking me right in the eye and lying to me. I would have to defend my honor, or die in disgrace.

It was the article in the Romanian Prophet that made me change my plans. Being a famous wizard, Harry's story appeared in every wizard newspaper in the world. I read that Harry was being considered unbalanced now, and that only Professor Dumbledore believed his story that the Dark Lord had returned. It was then that everything changed in my mind. The story explained everything, I decided. It explained why Karkaroff had disappeared, how Cedric was killed, and why things were in such an uproar after the third task. Harry would now be the target of every dark wizard in the world now, all of them vying to be the one to kill the boy who had toppled the Dark Lord in the first place. He would need to be kept well protected, and that could mean going into hiding. I realized that you would also likely be there, and that would explain why you couldn't tell me where you were, or what you had been doing. I told myself that it didn't mean the two of you were anything more than friends, and that I was still the one you really cared about. I canceled my travel plans. I would talk to you when you were back in school.

We spent summer out beyond the bay

And you said these are such perfect days

But if the bomb drops baby

I wanna be the last to know

When you got back to school, our relationship seemed to pick up right where it had left off. You wrote me very often, and I wrote right back. Most of it was small talk; how your classes were going, how horrible the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was, and other school related things. I kept asking you how you felt about me, telling you in every letter that I loved you, and asking you to come visit me in Bulgaria over the summer. You wrote back and said you cared about me too, and that you would love to come and visit. I told myself that saying, "I care about you", was the same as I love you, and that, "I will try", meant that I should expect you at any time. I didn't even mind when you mentioned Harry and Ron in your letters. I knew that they were very important to you, and that you were close friends. I set about making preparations for you visit, making sure that Krum Castle was spotless. Knowing your strong convictions on house-elves, I transfigured them all to appear human. Everything was ready, all I needed was you.

I had hoped that you might even come for Christmas. I had the entire castle decorated for you. You wrote and said you were going to be spending the holiday skiing with your parents in Aspen, Colorado. I decided I would surprise you by meeting you there. I apparated at the hotel your parents were staying at. They told me that you had gone back to Hogwarts, so that you could study. That would be so like you, I thought. I decided to erase me from their memory, in case they would contact you and spoil my surprise. I then caught the Knight Bus and arrived at Hogwarts on Christmas day. I was looking for you when I ran into Draco Malfoy, who I had met when I was there the year before. Karkaroff seemed to know who he was. I asked him where you were, and he said you were not there. I asked him if he knew where you were, he said he didn't. Then he told me that Harry wasn't there either, and that the two of you were probably together. I told him you were only friends with Harry, but he laughed and told me the two of you were often disappearing together. Two of his friends with him backed him up in his story. I had heard enough. I came back to Krum Castle and ordered all the decorations down. Christmas would not be allowed this year.

So now you're living out behind the hill

And though we share the same city

And feel the same sun

When your winter comes

I'll be the last to know

I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again after that, and I didn't know if I ever wanted to. I was hurt, and I didn't think that I could bear it. Then you wrote and told me about the battle in the Department of Mysteries. You explained everything that you couldn't before, and hoped that I understood. How could I not? I felt so ashamed of myself for doubting you. All of my insecurities melted away again. I was so relieved that you were safe; I didn't care about anything else. When term was over, I invited you to the castle for the summer, hoping that this time you would come. When you wrote back and said you would, I was as happy as I had ever been. I couldn't wait for you to join me at last.

When you stepped off the Knight Bus, I thought I must have been in a dream. I had never been as happy as I was with you. I offered you the best of everything. By the time the summer was coming to a close, I knew that I loved you with all of my heart. I also knew that you would have to go back to school, and that meant back to Harry. I didn't care about that though, not after the summer we had spent together. When the time came for you to leave, I promised that I would come and visit you. We kissed, and then you climbed aboard the Knight Bus. I can still feel you upon my lips, even now.

Always the last to know

How you're feeling

The last to know

Where you are

The last to know

If you're happy now

Or if he's pleading with you

Like I pleaded with you

If you go

Don't let me be the last to know

Don't let me be the last to know

I decided then that I could no longer be so far away from you. I bought the former Crouch home and moved in immediately. I remember how surprised you were to see me. When you graduated, I proposed to you that same night. I also took Professor Dumbledore up on his offer of the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Life was falling into place for me at last. And then the Dark Lord attacked, and you were gone from me again. I told you not to get involved, that I didn't want to lose you. But you said you had to go, that Harry would need you. My insecurities all came back to me in a rush. "Harry would need you." What about my needing you? Would I always be your second priority? I was mad and wanted to get back at you somehow. I went to the Leaky Cauldron and intended on drinking myself into oblivion. I didn't know that Fleur was living in England now as well. She had gotten engaged to Ron's brother, Bill, and was working at Gringotts. I told her about you and I, and about how, whenever Harry called, you came running. I don't remember much after that. We drank there for some time, and then we left and went to the Hogshead. Fleur told me that Bill was off fighting the Dark Lord as well, and that, she too, felt like a secondary priority. The next morning, I woke up in a room at the Hogshead. Fleur was lying naked next to me. I couldn't believe what I had done. The only thing I did know was that you could never find out, never. I should have remembered the grudge that Fleur had with me from the TriWizard tournament. She wasted no time in telling you what we had done together. I had broken your heart, and there was no taking it back.

I guess I should thank you for sending me back your engagement ring. I know it sounds hollow now, but I truly did love you, and I always will. It's funny, for so many years I thought you were the one having the affair, and, in the end, it was I who was the unfaithful one. I know that I've hurt you, and for that I am truly sorry. I never meant to. I know I have no right to now, but I hope you don't mind my giving you one last piece of advice. I want you to be happy, and I always have. I had always wished it would be me that would make you happy, but that is not to be. I believe I know who can however. Talk to Harry, he's the one who has always been there for you. I hope that, in time, you may come to forgive me, and that, in time; I may be able to forgive myself.

Love,

Viktor

Creations gone crazy

The TV's gone mad

Now you're the only sane thing

That I have

Always the last to know

How you're feeling

The last to know

Where you are

The last to know

If you're happy now

Or if he's cheating on you

Like I cheated on you

And you were the last to know

You were the last to know

Don't let me be the last to know