A Letter to Dumbledore

A LETTER TO DUMBLEDORE

Prologue

Harry sat alone in his room at Grimmauld Place contemplating the large envelope that had been delivered to him that morning. He knew what was in it. His O.W.L. scores and his new supply list for the fall term, but that didn't matter. His heart still ached, even after two months. He had let everyone down. Sirius was dead and it had been his fault. What's more, Dumbledore had isolated himself from Harry.

"Sirius, why did you have to die? I need you now more than ever. It's my fault. I'm just not good enough." Harry sobbed softly, as he felt the hot tears running down his cheeks.

Remus would be calling him down to dinner soon. How could he find the words to tell him about this decision? Remus Lupin had taken over as Harry's new guardian, under the terms of Sirius will. He was also the executor of Sirius estate. Harry had inherited everything and allowed the Order to continue to use the house as their headquarters.

The house elf, Kreacher, had his memory wiped by Dumbledore. Harry had then given the filthy traitor a shirt, freeing him of any further obligation to remain his servant. The house elf had then gone berserk and began crying and begging Harry to let him stay. Harry refused, and then did something he would never have even contemplated a year ago. He physically kicked Kreacher out the door and down the stairs. The elf had not been seen or heard from since. As Harry mulled this memory over in his mind, his eyes again fell on the envelope from Hogwarts.

'Hogwarts,' he mused. 'Up until this past year I have felt at home there. I had friends. Now that is all gone...'

Harry had deliberately isolated himself from Ron and Hermione all summer, along with all of the other Weasley's. He had even gone as far as to return his birthday gifts unopened. He had also maintained only minimal contact with the members of the Order when they came for meetings.

'Remus is going to be angry with me, but it doesn't really matter any more.' Harry thought with a sigh, reaching for a piece of parchment and his quill. He had started to cry again as he began his missive.

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to continue as a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With the return of Voldemort, my presence there poses an increased security risk, placing both the students and faculty in jeopardy. You have also made it abundantly clear to me that I am a great disappointment, and expected more than I was able to give. This was glaringly apparent by your decision to not have me as one of the school Prefects. You have also maintained a discreet distance from me for over a year now, and I can only assume it is because of my having been the cause of so much grief and strife amongst the students and faculty.

You have turned a blind eye when Draco Malfoy used his position to taunt and annoy me. Did his father use his money and influence with the Governor's in order to secure a Prefect badge for him. How ironic that a bigot and the son of a known Deatheater is allowed such an esteemed position. You have also allowed Professor Snape to further embarrass me by making me tell the student body that I was taking remedial Potions, when in fact he was giving me Occlumency lessons. He took great delight in humiliating me just because of an old adolescent grudge against my father and godfather. This is not the behavior I would expect from a member of your staff; no matter how much he disliked my family or me. I have never given him reason to dislike me, and while I have occasionally given him some lip, I was always punished for it, unlike some of the members of his own house.

I have been lied to and kept in ignorance on the pretext of keeping me from harm. It is obvious to me that if you do not have the confidence in me to shoulder the responsibility of school life, then you certainly can't believe I will be able to defeat Lord Voldemort. How ironic that Tom Riddle was good enough for Hogwarts standards, yet the one who was marked as his equal is not!

All I had ever hoped for was to have a family to care about and to earn the respect of my peers and teachers. I have failed miserably at both. It is for these reasons I am returning the letter containing my O.W.L. scores along with the supply list unopened. I'm sorry I have let you all down. I will ask Remus to help me find a Muggle High School to attend.

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter Esq.

Formerly of Gryffindor House

Sealing the letter, Harry attached it to the one he had received earlier in the day from Hogwarts. Securing them both to Hedwig's leg, he then gave her an owl treat and sent her on her way.

With a heavy heart, he went into the bathroom to wash up for dinner. He could hear Remus calling him from downstairs. He could only hope the older wizard would not be too angry with him for dropping out of school. At least no one else would have to die now to keep him safe.

A LETTER TO DUMBLEDORE

Phoenix Song

Is something wrong Headmaster?" Snape asked eyeing the letter Dumbledore was reading. It had arrived as the two men were discussing their plans to be revealed later that evening during the meeting of the Order. "Is Mr. Potter aware of something we are not?"

"What makes you so certain this letter is from Harry?"

"I see the supply list unopened with Potter's name on it and that was his owl, was it not?"

"You are as usual correct, Severus."

Snape nodded his acknowledgement of the old man's compliment before he continued, "Judging by the frown on your face I would venture to suggest there is some kind of problem."

"There is," Dumbledore responded curtly, "Harry is refusing to return to Hogwarts."

"Is Remus Lupin aware of the boy's decision?"

"I do not believe Harry has confided in him. Remus would have tried to reason with him and summoned me."

"Then perhaps we should contact him. I am sure Lupin would want to know why Potter is refusing to come back to Hogwarts," Snape remarked trying to sound casual eyeing the letter in an effort to see its contents.

"Severus, I am fully aware of your curiosity," Dumbledore remarked looking at his Potions Master over his half moon spectacles. "I will share the information with you and Remus just as soon as we get to Grimmauld Place. I am more than a little concerned about Harry. I believe we have all failed in our duty to him."

"Headmaster we have done everything in our power to protect the boy."

"Protection is one thing Severus, understanding is another. In my efforts to bring out his independence and courage I neglected to account for the human factor."

"Human factor?" Snape scowled.

"Yes, I forgot to remember I was dealing with a young man's feelings; his hopes and dreams for the future, and his desire to succeed. His need to prove himself as an individual and more importantly his need for love and understanding."

Severus scowl deepened, "We are not nursemaids. I see no need to mollycoddle the boy."
"Severus..." Dumbledore studied the younger man thoughtfully, "do you recall how you felt when you first returned to me?"

"This is not the same thing," Snape insisted shifting uncomfortably, unable to meet the Headmaster's intent gaze.

"Ah...but you are wrong. The pain of loss does not differentiate between age, gender or circumstances. Harry's pain is certainly as acute as yours was."

Snape looked at Dumbledore somberly as the memories of that painful time raced through his mind. He had wanted nothing more than to die. If it had not been for the old man....well...

"I see you understand me fully," Dumbledore said quietly. "The situation may be different but the pain still manifests itself the same way."

"Do you believe the situation is that serious? I can't believe that Potter would try and harm himself."

"This letter is a cry for help. We need to speak with Lupin and then formulate a plan to help Harry. He is angry and depressed. He has lost the one thing in his life that offered him a sense of hope and stability. Sirius Black was the closest thing to family that Harry has ever had. He is angry with us and feels we have failed him, and rightly so. He blames himself for Sirius death."

"If Potter had not gone off..."

"Yes, but we failed to confide in him. If anyone of us had told him what was going on..."Dumbledore's voice trailed off at the memory of the past few weeks.

"Then may I suggest we set out immediately to see Lupin? His own grief over Black may be blinding him to Potter's circumstances. Sitting here and worrying about what we should have done will merely be a waste of valuable time. Potter is an angry depressed adolescent which will make him act irrationally."

"My sentiments exactly," Dumbledore agreed rising. "We will apparate to Grimmauld Place immediately."

Placing Harry's letters in his robe pocket the two wizards left the room to head for the apparition point at the edge of Hogwart's grounds...

Remus Lupin was just putting on the kettle for some tea when he heard the front door open, and Harry's voice in the hallway.

"Hello Professor Dumbledore, Professor Snape. Remus is in the kitchen putting on the tea. You're early; I thought the meeting was scheduled for eight."

"Good evening, Harry," Dumbledore answered.

"Mr. Potter," Snape nodded studying the boy, who scowled back at him, unmistakable anger in his green eyes.

"We have come early on purpose, Harry. We need to speak with Professor Lupin. I think you know why," Dumbledore informed him quietly, blue eyes reflecting his concern.

Harry merely nodded and led the way towards the back of the house into the kitchen.

"Headmaster, Severus, please join me for a cup of tea," Remus greeted them looking from one to the other curiously, as he set out more cups.

"Thank you, we will," Dumbledore answered for them both.

"I will be in my room," Harry said turning to leave.

"No Harry, I would prefer you to stay," Dumbledore replied placing his hand on Harry's arm indicating he should sit.

"Albus is something wrong?" Remus queried as Harry plopped into the chair beside Snape.

"I don't believe you are aware of this but Harry does not wish to return to Hogwarts," Dumbledore told him retrieving the letter from his robe pocket and handing it to Remus.

Remus read the letter and handed it back to Dumbledore with a worried frown. Dumbledore passed the letter on to Severus who perused it rapidly before giving it back to the Headmaster. Pursing his lips thoughtfully, Remus poured the tea, while no one spoke. Harry just sat waiting quietly, resting his chin in his hand, hoping Remus was not too angry. He was surprised when Snape broke the silence first.

"Potter for someone who wanted the respect of his teachers I can emphatically tell you that running away will not secure it for you."

"Well I know at least one who will be glad I am gone," Harry glared venomously.

"Indeed, at least I will not have to hear your arrogant lip."

"Shut up you slimy git," Harry yelled pushing his chair back angrily. "If it hadn't been for your refusal to teach me Occlumency Sirius might still be alive."

"If you had practiced harder and not intruded into my memories he might be alive as well," Snape taunted.

Remus opened his mouth to stop the altercation, but Dumbledore silenced him. The Headmaster knew Harry needed to vent the anger and hurt bottled up inside of him. Severus was the ideal person to bring this about.

"Don't you dare throw that in my face, Snivellus! All you have ever done is ridicule me because my father embarrassed you in public. I am not my Dad! If I were, Sirius would still be alive. He would have made Dumbledore tell him what was going on and stood up to Umbridge harder," Harry sobbed.

"You're right, you aren't like your father. James Potter would never have run away. He would not act like a prat over failing to become a Prefect. It seems to me that the Headmaster was justified in his decision..."

Harry flew from his chair and attacked Professor Snape, trying to Punch him in the chest with both hands. Snape merely grabbed him clasping his wrists in a vice like grip, smiling maliciously.

"What's the matter Potter, afraid to face the truth?"

"Shut up you lousy prick! You're nothing but a cold-hearted loser hiding behind Dumbledore's robes. I don't think you ever loved anyone in your life. You're nothing but a spiteful bitter excuse for a human being. You don't deserve to live! You have never lost someone close to you."

"Then why don't you help me out and kill me? Here, use my wand," Snape sneered pressing the wand into Harry's hand and stepping back to give him room.

Harry raised his arm and stood staring at Snape. He was shaking with anger and confusion. Professor Snape stared back, black eyes glittering dangerously. There was no sound in the kitchen.

"Professor Snape...I..." Harry managed to sputter in confusion, slowly lowering his arm.

Snape retrieved his wand as Harry clutched him in desperation and grief. Snape gave him time to collect his feelings before lowering Harry back into his chair and reseating himself.

"Harry," Remus began, Dumbledore allowing him to speak, "I know what you're feeling. I miss Sirius too and I knew him a lot longer than you did. This is the second time I've lost him. If I could bring him back I would."

"Remus, you don't understand...."

"You're wrong, Harry," Remus interrupted, "I do understand. All too well in fact. Sirius is dead and you are angry at all of us as well as yourself, but more importantly you are angry at Sirius for leaving you."

"Harry didn't Sirius always tell you he would protect you with his life?" Dumbledore asked, not waiting for an answer and continuing on, "That is exactly what he did. He loved you Harry, and like your parents he was willing to sacrifice himself so you could go on."

"But if someone had grabbed him he wouldn't have fallen back into the veil. Remus why did you hold me back?"

"It was too late Harry. Even if you had grabbed onto him his weight would have pulled you through with him. You both would have died."

"Potter, I know you don't want to hear this from me," Snape stated quietly, " but don't let Black's death have been in vain. He would want you to go on and stand up to the Dark Lord, just as your parents did."

"Why would you care? You hated him."

"You're right, I did, but I did not want him dead either. If I had I would have killed him myself."

"You could have stopped him from leaving the house!"

"No Potter, I couldn't have. Like you, Black was stubborn and often reckless, especially when he was protecting those he cared for. I have no doubt he would have tried to kill anyone who got in his way. I know you are in pain..."

"What would you know about pain? You have never cared for anyone other than yourself," Harry spat harshly.

"You're wrong, Potter. I know a good deal about the pain you are feeling, and the anger," Snape responded unbuttoning his cuffs. Pulling up his sleeves the dark mark was clearly visible on his forearm, but Harry was shocked to see two deep vertical scars approximately one inch in length, extending up from each wrist. Sometime in the past Snape had tried to commit suicide! "Potter if you must be angry, then direct you anger towards Bellatrix Lestrange. Her curse took Black away from you. It won't make the pain go away, but it will help you to focus and start to heal." Snape explained pulling down his shirtsleeves and buttoning his cuffs.

"Severus is right, Harry. It is going to take us both a while to heal, but we will. Sirius would want us to. He wouldn't want you to go on believing that you weren't good enough for Hogwarts standards just because you weren't made a Prefect."

"Why not? My O.W.L.'s were good and I gave every inch of myself to protect the school, but that apparently was not good enough," Harry stated looking at Dumbledore. "What was the excuse you gave me Headmaster? Oh, yes...that you felt I already had enough responsibility to be going on with. There is only one problem with that. I didn't know about the Prophecy at the time." Harry glared at Dumbledore unable to conceal his disappointment and hurt. "As far as you were concerned I was just a means to an end. I didn't matter if I was hurt or humiliated so long as I was around to kill Voldemort."

"That is not true, Harry," Dumbledore defended his actions with authority, "I did know about the Prophecy and would have told you at the beginning of the term if it weren't for the critical situation within the Ministry. The Prefects are actually chosen by the head of each house with my approval. Professor McGonagall knew how I felt and decided to give the honor to Mr. Weasley. He has always been in your shadow and she felt it would give him a chance to be noticed on his own."

"Just like she allowed Professor Umbridge to practice corporal punishments and the continued humiliations from Professor Snape? Not to mention Snape letting Draco Malfoy get away with everything short of murder. Where were you Headmaster? Where was the one person I believed would be there to help and support me when Sirius couldn't? You abandoned me just like Voldemort abandons his Deatheaters. Your so called plan became more important than the person you were all pinning your hopes on," Harry put his head down on the table, resting it in his arms. His body was wracked with muffled sobs.

A loud pop interrupted them as Fawkes suddenly appeared in the kitchen and flew over to Harry and began to sing.

"Go away Fawkes, even you can't heal what ails me this time. The wizarding world has treated me as poorly as the Dursleys. I am nothing more to them than a puppet in a game of war."

"That is not true, Harry," Remus said anxiously, "we're all here because we care about you."

"Potter, Albus thinks of you like a grandson and Professor Lupin considers himself you uncle."

Harry looked up and opened his mouth to retort when he saw the tears on Dumbledore's cheeks, and the somber look on Remus face.

"And how do you think of me Professor Snape?" Harry sneered.

"You are....a...friend, Potter."

"Than why do you treat me as if I were a piece of shit?"

"To protect you. The Dark Lord believes I am spying on Dumbledore for him. If I were kind to you he would know better."

"But..."

"No, Potter, I had to make you dislike me from the beginning. We all knew it would be only a matter of time until Voldemort returned to power. The Deatheaters would have noticed had I treated you kindly, knowing how your father and I disliked one another."

"So you also allow Draco to run rampant?"

"I might remind you that you and your friends have been more than a match for Draco Malfoy on more than one occasion. It is also easier to keep an eye on him."

"Yet he's a Prefect. I'm sorry Headmaster but I don't but it. He openly admits to being a supporter of Voldemort and a purist. He mistreats those who have any form of Muggle blood and you allow it. Could it be that you not only make mistakes but are a purist yourself, despite what you have said? After all you are a Pureblood."

Fawkes continued to sing in earnest, fluttering back and forth between Harry and Dumbledore.

"Harry, I need not remind you that Hermione Granger is a Prefect and she is Muggle born as well as several of the others," Dumbledore replied sadly. He knew he had caused an open wound in Harry's soul by the way he had treated him over the past year. Sirius death had merely added to Harry's anguish, pouring salt into the wound.

Fawkes sat in the middle of the table and began to cry while he sang.

"Harry would you have me take the badge from Ron and give it to you?" Dumbledore questioned.

"No, of course not, I just want to know why?" Your explanations are lame. Did you think I wouldn't want to make my parents proud, or follow in my father's footsteps even though he is not here to see it?" Harry's voice sounded shrill in his ears as he fought back a wave of tears.

'Harry, James would be proud of you no matter what," Remus answered with a thin smile.

"Maybe, but I have no way of knowing that. I find it sad that I could look into the Mirror of Erised and know that I will never get the one thing I truly desired. Ron on the other hand was given his..."

"Jealous Mr. Potter?"

"In a sense I am, Professor Snape. I love Ron like a brother. He has his whole life ahead of him. All I have are three possibilities."

"Three possibilities, Harry?" Dumbledore questioned.

"Yes. First, I may kill Voldemort. Second, he may kill me. Finally, we may both just kill each other, which I think will be the most likely outcome. So you see, unlike Ron and Hermione and everyone else I know I can't plan my future. It is probable that I will not have one. I want people to look at me as a person, not The Boy Who Lived," Harry told them dejectedly. "Am I so wrong to want to be treated like anybody else and recognized for my achievements in school?"

Fawkes flew onto Harry's shoulder and continued to sing quietly.

"Harry, I am treating you like any other teen," Dumbledore explained soberly. "Disappointment is a part of growing up."

"Headmaster, I may never get to finish growing up. I have lost everyone who has ever cared about me. I have had to alienate my friends for fear they are now targeted by Voldemort after the altercation in the Ministry. I have watched them grow and enjoy their new status while I had to sit back and remain loyal in silence. I tried to be patient hoping you would tell me shy I was having to endure being shut out and humiliated. No answers were forthcoming. Then, when I thought no one would help me my friends came to the rescue, but in so doing I not only endangered them, I lost Sirius. The Order let me down. So damn Voldemort and damn you all."

Fawkes crooned softly as Harry's lip trembled and his voice cracked, green eyes filling with tears of anguish and regret.

"You're right, Harry. In my desire to protect you and let you have a normal life I hurt you. Severus didn't lie when he said I cared for you like a grandson, nor did he lie when he told you we all worry about you. That's why we're here."

"Harry, James would never give up in the face of adversity. He would want you to finish school. I for one believe you will survive your battle with Voldemort and he will be killed. I know Sirius believed it because he told me. Don't let their Deaths be for nothing," Remus studied Harry, his hazel eyes fraught with concern. "I have to try and fill both their shoes for you now and I'm not giving up. Go back to Hogwarts for them and me, but also for yourself."

"Potter, open your letter. I owe you a life debt and refuse to let you just give up out of self pity."

Harry sat quietly staring at Dumbledore and gently stroking Fawkes. Green eyes were locked with blue. Slowly he reached for the envelope, which lay on the table. Tearing it open his grades fell out. Studying them, a slight smile crossed his lips. He passed the slip of paper to Remus, who smiled with pleasure. Next, he opened his supply list, and after perusing it, he carefully set it aside. Finally, he opened a third packet containing a letter written in a neat even script. A badge had been folded inside. Harry read the letter aloud.

Dear Mr. Potter,

In recognition of you unfailing loyalty to Hogwarts, bravery in the face of unmitigated danger, and continued leadership abilities you have been named as Head Boy. This honor has only been bestowed one other time on a sixth year student in the thousand years since Hogwarts was founded. Congratulations on you appointment. I know you will continue t maintain the high standards of achievement you have set for yourself.

Sincerely.

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress,

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Harry slowly put the letter down and looked at Dumbledore, " I have been foolish and selfish. I don't deserve this," he said handing the badge back to Dumbledore.

"No Potter, you don't, but apparently the Headmaster thinks otherwise," Snape sneered arching his brow.

"Don't listen to Severus, Harry. He knows as well as I do that you have earned this honor. Your behavior tonight merely tells me you are a normal sixteen-year-old boy. You were angry and hurt so you simply acted out in the only way you could. You are right of course, we did let you down. You have every right to be kept informed of what is going on with Voldemort. I am going to allow you to attend the meetings of the Order, however you will not be considered an active member until you graduate from Hogwarts. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Sir," Harry replied unable to believe his ears.

"Now while you are in school either Professor Snape or I will keep you abreast of what is going on. You will also be forbidden to discuss these meetings with your friends. I also want you to work on you Occlumency lessons. I know I need not tell you how important this is."

"Professor Dumbledore," Harry said slowly, "I would prefer not to attend the meetings until you all fell I am proficient enough in Occlumency. You can all keep me informed on a need to know basis, but if I have questions, it would help if you all answer them as best you can. I don't want anyone to be endangered any further because I made a mistake or Voldemort got into my mind again."

"James and Sirius would be proud. That response is what I would expect from the Head Boy." Dumbledore beamed

Harry noted that Remus was grinning with pride while Professor Snape was nodding in agreement. He got up and hugged Dumbledore and Remus. Then he went over and offered his hand to Snape, who accepted it with his usual cool dignity. He knew it would still be awhile until he could fully accept Sirius death, but the healing had begun.

Fawkes stopped singing and blinked contentedly.