Yelling at Your Ghost

Yelling At Your Ghost

He remembers the day you left. He doesn't believe it, but he remembers. He questions you. He questions destiny. He questions himself. He wonders if maybe it would have been different if he had never looked into that Pensieve. But you know the truth. We both do. You were dying in there. If only we could have known that would have died wherever you went.

He looks in that mirror you sent him everyday. He knows that it's not you he'll see. He knows he'll only see himself in the dark depths. He knows. But he doesn't believe.

Sometimes I go in there. Sometimes I watch him. He has Ron, he has Hermione. But he doesn't notice them anymore. They don't notice him either. They only look at each other these days. How you would have laughed. I would have just smiled at you and your enthusiasm. Of course, it's different now. I haven't smiled in a while. Neither has he.

If only you could give him a sign that you were still with him. That you were still with us. But you can't, can you? Some big rule in heaven says "no way" to talking to the living. But can't you make an exception? Just this once? Please?

Who am I kidding, of course not. You're gone. You're dead. You've passed through that portal and you're never coming back. Do you have any idea how much that scares me? Don't you get it? Don't you understand? No, you could never understand. You couldn't understand why you had to stay inside. You couldn't understand why you couldn't treat him like you used to treat James. So you came to rescue him. Too bad you couldn't let him rescue you from yourself.

I saw it in your eyes. Time slowed down. I could hear my own voice crying out for you, reaching for you, and he...he only stared. He only watched, Sirius, but I could see him crying inside. I could see him breaking over and over again deep down. I could see him dying.

Everything he had ever loved died. Even Ron and Hermione left him. Why did you have to go too? Why did you have to leave us?

I'm standing outside his door now. The door's not completely closed, so I can see him. He's sitting on the edge of his bed. He took your room, after you died. He's holding that mirror you gave him, the one you said he could have and use when he needed you. He needs you now, Sirius; he needs you so badly that he needs for the both of us. He's speaking softly but I can hear him. Just barely, but I can.

"Sirius," he says. I close my eyes. "Sirius it's been about a month and one week now, and they've called me back to Grimmauld Place. I took your room," he says. I can hear his voice shaking but he's not crying. He hasn't cried once. I don't know how he does it, but he keeps it all inside.

"I miss you a lot. It's been pretty hard since you left. I mean, it's always been hard but now that there's no one...well, anyway. I just wish you would come back. I just wish you would talk to me." He stops to take a deep breath. He won't cry. He can't cry, not now.

"Hermione and Ron, they realized that they were in love with each other about two weeks after you...after you left. They don't talk to me much anymore. I think they think I'll start crying. You know I don't cry, though, Sirius. You always told me not to cause James wouldn't have."

I suck in a sharp breath. I can't believe you told him this, not after everything. That was so wrong of you, Sirius! But you didn't even notice, did you?

"But," he starts again. He's shaking uncontrollably now. "I'm not my father, Sirius. I never was. I never will be. I'm Harry Potter and if you could never understand that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I couldn't catch you, I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you when you were alone in Grimmauld Place, but most of all, I'm sorry that I can't be the perfect godson you always wanted. I can't be good all the time, Sirius. It's not the good me that's going to get rid of Voldemort, is it? You never could understand." I choke at that this last statement. He's angry at you. For he first time since your death, he's yelling at your ghost. He's yelling at himself though, too. He's yelling at himself for not being what you really wanted. He's yelling at himself for not being his father. Don't you see what you did to him, Sirius? You poisoned him. And now he's hurting himself. Give him peace, Sirius, please. Please just give him some peace.

"This is the last time I take this mirror out. I want to hurt you so much, Sirius, I want to resurrect you then hurt you till you bleed for what you did to me. But I love you too much. I love you so much it hurts that I'm bleeding, not you. That's why I have to let you go. So can you just do something for me, Sirius? Can you say good-bye too?"

I know I'm crying but he doesn't hear me because he's too busy trying not to. He's crying on the inside, like he did when you left, and he's still breaking over and over again. I watch him with a heavy heart as he sighs and wraps the mirror up in a cloth, then puts it under his mattress. He sits there, staring at the wall, staring at nothing. Or is he still yelling, only silently now?

"Sirius?" he says, so softly that I can barely hear it. I put a hand over my mouth and look closer into the dark room.

"Sirius, can't you just say good-bye?"

Silence fills the room.

*