Fate

Chapter 36 - It's Only Starting

It was strange how in such a short period of time, your life could take a complete 180 degree turn and then almost instantly, take another 180 degree turn, leaving you right back where you started.

That was how Sirius found himself wandering aimlessly through the now quiet halls of Hogwarts, for once taking no pleasure in the silence around him. It gave him too much time to think, too much time to dream...

"It does not due to dwell on dreams..."

Stop this! He chastised himself, mumbling profanities under his breath as he turned another corner, trying desperately to remember the room in which Harry was sleeping, but unable to pull that particular information out of his head at the moment.

Just as he was on the brink of retracing his steps back to his own sleeping quarters, he heard someone talking softly a ways in front of him, coming out of a partially opened portrait of a dancing Centaur.

The sight was familiar enough to remind Sirius that this is where Harry was sleeping. Thanking his lucky stars, he walked quickly over, reaching out to open the portrait all the way, but stopping short as he clearly heard one of the voices inside.

"Lily and I found out about two months before you were supposed to be born." It was James. What was James doing in there with Harry? "It was such a shock, such a..." pause. "Merlin, we were so scared."

Me too, Sirius felt himself agree as he listened to James' confession, remembering back to the night that James and Lily had confided in him about the prophecy. Neither of them had told him all of it, no, he and Remus didn't get that until only a few months ago, but they still knew enough to understand the gravity of the situation.

"Me too," he heard Harry quietly reply, echoing Sirius' very thought. When James didn't reply, Sirius risked peaking into the room and saw that he and Harry were locked in a tight hug, Harry's face showing tears leaking out of his eyes as James finally spoke up.

"You were born to do this," James said, "and even though I wasn't there for you for so many years I'm here now, Harry," his voice dropped to a whisper and Sirius almost didn't hear the last part, but he just managed to catch the words, "and I'm not leaving you again."

Harry's tears multiplied at that statement and Sirius' heart clenched as he realized what his Godson was thinking.

Those words were never going to come true.

Sirius quickly darted back out into the hall as he heard James pull away and get up to leave, leaving Harry with a few comforting words.

"Go find mum," Harry said quickly and almost in a whisper. "Tell her I'm sorry."

James didn't say anything but Sirius could only guess that he might have hugged Harry again and whispered something in his ear.

He listened carefully as he heard James' footsteps come towards the portrait and Sirius scooted further down the hall as James stepped out.

His best friend did look quite worse for the wear, but then, all of them probably did at this point, especially the time travelers after their little congregation in the Room of Requirement.

Sirius waited until James had completely shut the portrait and taken a few steps in the other direction before calling out to him.

"James, wait up!"

He was a bit miffed to see that James looked like he was going to reach for his wand, but quickly put himself in the mindset of this time and realized that any of them would have done the same. Of course upon seeing who it was, James relaxed considerably, forcing a kind of half grin on his face that Sirius had seen all too much on Harry's face when he was faking being cheerful.

"Hey," James said quietly in reply, waiting a second as Sirius caught up with them. They started down the hall again, side by side, neither of them saying anything for several minutes.

Sirius' original intention on coming down here had been to talk to Harry a bit more, one on one and get a little more out of him than what was said in their small "meeting". But seeing the opportunity to talk with James, Sirius decided he deserved at least one more conversation with James, for old times sake.

It took all his courage to not blurt out then and there the truth. To scream and sob and curse everything around into oblivion until Fate came down here herself and then curse her into oblivion.

And then for good measure find Peter, wherever he was, and Avada him on the spot.

No way, Sirius thought. That's too good for him.

"When-er...when did Harry, you know...hear the prophecy?" James finally spoke, not looking over at Sirius.

Hiding his surprise that James had talked first, Sirius didn't try for eye contact either as he cleared his throat a bit.

"About six months ago."

He saw James nod out of the corner of his eye, his gaze not straying any closer to Sirius.

They turned a corner and Sirius finally recognized where they were again as the banister beside him looked down into the entrance hall, the dying sunlight streaming in through the open doors. He squinted, looking right at the entrance and seeing Dumbledore speaking to Remus in hushed tones, their heads slightly leaned forward as they spoke. He watched curiously as Remus leaned back, his gaze turning towards the open doors and the beautiful day outside that was quickly coming to an end. Dumbledore said something else, laying a hand on Remus' shoulder for a few more replies back and forth, before walking away sadly, leaving the werewolf still gazing into the evening light.

Sirius felt a strong pang of sorrow for his friend, turning away from the mournful scene, trying to not think about the pain that Remus was undoubtedly in as he thought of Emily.

Emily...Arianna...

Quickly blinking back his own tears, Sirius reflexively turned as James spoke.

"Did you get a chance to speak with Dumbledore?"

Merlin...just great.

"Yes," Sirius said truthfully. "He had a few theories about what we could try next."

James nodded, turning away, just another sign of how well James and Sirius still knew each other. No questions asked to a certain point. Total devotion and trust that more would come out if needed, and secrets were kept for their own good.

"Were you able to get much out of Harry?"

It was James' turn to look a little nervous. "Not really. He's quite a secretive kid, isn't he?"

Sirius grinned a bit. "Oh just a bit. Dragging conversations from him, especially about his past, are usually by the skin of my teeth." He paused, reminiscing. "Most of the information I have about his first two years of Hogwarts his from Dumbledore. He even has trouble sharing those kinds of things with me."

James finally looked over to Sirius, a bit of anger showing on his face. "Why? Doesn't he trust you? I figured you were the p-...er... adult person in his life."

Sirius' lip twitched as he heard what James didn't say. I figured you were the parent in his life...

Oh if only, James. If only. If only I was, then maybe I wouldn't feel like such a coward talking to you about him...

If only I was, then maybe I would have answers to your questions. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible about making Harry leave you again...

"He's only known me for just a little over two years, James..." letting out a long sigh, Sirius stopped walking, leaning over the banister and looking down at Remus again who was now sitting on the steps outside, silent and still. He saw that 'Remus' had joined him, but neither were talking at the moment. "I've tried to be there, really I have."

"But?" James asked.

Running a hand through his hair, Sirius grimaced, turning back around. "But you know me, James!" he said it half exasperated, half pleading. "I mean, seriously, can you see me laying down ground rules? Having heart to hearts? Talking to Harry about his girlfriends?" He knew that he was smiling, but it showed too much tension to be real. "Did you know that I taught him how to shave last year?" his smile was completely gone and he felt something akin to anger creep up in him. "No...no," he waved one hand, as if pushing James away and turned his back to him again. "I was not supposed to do that."

James didn't reply immediately. Instead, he came up beside Sirius, leaning across the banister next to him and simply standing there.

"You remember that one night, back in our seventh year when we were talking about Lily and Arianna?"

Sirius let out a half laugh, half sob, cursing the fact that he felt a few tears in his eyes. Merlin, he was right here! Standing right here with James, talking to him, and all he could think about was that this might just be the last chance he was going to be able to do such a thing. "Which one?" he made himself reply.

James chuckled at that too. "I think it was the one right before graduation, that night? You remember?"

Sirius just nodded.

"We both wanted to get married, well, me more than you," James grinned, playfully punching Sirius in the shoulder. "You were too much of a goof to even get out the 'I Love You' to Ari."

Memories of Arianna came up and Sirius could only concentrate very hard on not spilling any more tears.

"But we vowed to ourselves that we would both get married, and at least have a few kids, making sure we passed on our so-called legacy to them..."

"Mini-Marauders," Sirius added, remembering the night as well.

"But..." James bit his bottom lip. "I think I knew, even then, that it wouldn't work out like we wanted it too. I mean sure, no one's dreams come out just like they want them, but with the war and our Auror training and being inducted into the Order..." he paused. "I'm not afraid to die, you know?"

Sirius shivered a bit at that statement, one he had heard James make several times in the few months before he and Lily were killed.

It still haunted his dreams.

"I know you're not, James."

James stood back up straight, turning to Sirius who followed his movement. "I guess, what I'm trying to say is...thank you. Thank you for being the best friend that I always knew you were and for being there for Harry when I....wasn't." He reached over, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder, both of them being about the same height. "I don't know why I'm saying this, but I just have a feeling that you need to hear it, even if you probably know deep down this is how I feel." He locked eyes with Sirius. "If I was going to choose anyone in the world, past, present, future, to take care of Harry, you know that I would choose you."

Sirius couldn't stand to look at James anymore and hung his head. James at once pulled him into a bear hug. Sirius held him back tightly, overwhelmed by the great relief he heard at those words. James defiantly knew him too well. James had reassured Sirius several times that he had chosen him as Harry's Godfather for a reason. But it did something to hear it again.

Maybe this adventure wasn't for naught after all.

----

"It's hard...not being able to do anything....again."

Remus spoke softly, turning away from Dumbledore and gazing out onto the lush green grass of Hogwarts, wishing with all his might that he could just run out and get her. He even knew where she was...where 'Remus' was going to find her body tomorrow.

The thought brought tears to his eyes, but he blinked them back quickly. Stay strong.

He felt the headmaster lay a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. "It will all be over tomorrow, Remus."

He shook his head. "Not for Remus. It's only starting for him..."

"But for you, Remus. Leave your past in the past. Remember it, learn from it, but just as we should not dwell on the future, do not dwell on what has already passed. It does no good to find the old wounds, for, as we both know now, the past truly cannot be changed. You have Sirius and Harry; you have all your wonderful memories of school, of your friends and adventures. I daresay you have plenty of good memories. If not enough to outweigh the bad, enough to give you room to create more."

Dumbledore walked away then, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts, his gaze still fixated out the door.

On impulse, and with Dumbledore's words still ringing in his head, Remus stepped out fully into the setting sun, sitting down gracefully on the first step, resting his arms on his knees as his eyes explored more of the beauty all around him, from the shimmering lake to the far off Whomping Willow, each bringing back more memories than the last.

Soft footsteps behind him would usually cause him to turn and see who it was, but he was enjoying the silence too much to move. Luckily the person walked right up beside him, mimicking his position on the steps completely.

Completely.

Remus turned, regarding his younger self as he saw 'Remus' start to look over the ground in the same way Remus had just been doing.

"I didn't expect you out here," he said truthfully, wondering why his younger counterpart had left his solitary confinement that he had shut himself in only a few hours before.

"The room was getting too small for me," 'Remus' answered back quietly.

Remus nodded his head in understanding. Too often small rooms made him a bit claustrophobic as they reminded him of being locked in a room during his transformations, the wolf trying desperately to find a way out.

He shivered slightly and not because of the dropping temperature.

"I'm sorry," Remus said quickly, dropping his head. "I'm sorry that you still had to go through this."

He heard 'Remus' breathe out a sigh. "Well, I'm sorry that you had to go though all this as well," was his surprising reply. "After all, maybe I won't have to go through as much as you did."

Remus felt his heart clench a bit, but bit back the desire to say anything and kept quiet, not trusting his voice if he opened his mouth.

The sun was quite low now, sinking almost halfway down the horizon and casting longer shadows across the grounds.

"Does...does the pain ever get, well, easier?" 'Remus' asked out of the blue, his voice still low as he spoke and his face still not turned towards Remus. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to...just curious..."

"I want to say yes," Remus replied softly. "I want to tell you that we overcome the despair and grief and that we move on with our lives..."

"But?"

"But," Remus sighed, "But then what would be the point of this whole production? Time travel, going through the veil, changing everything..." he shook his head, even thought he knew that 'Remus' was watching him. "No, Remus. The pain never goes away. And it never really gets easier."

"But you said you didn't really remember when you first came back," 'Remus' reasoned. "You said you had forgotten about Emily."

Remus had to work hard to control his emotions at that statement. It was too true for words. He had forgotten, and it wasn't just coincidental anymore, he knew that now. A fresh bout of memories two hours ago had given him a few more details on the inner workings of Fate, and he realized that it wasn't that he hadn't remembered, he had completely forgotten, and that was not natural.

Bloody memory charms.

"It wasn't just Emily, Remus," 'Remus' said, carefully skipping over the question. "I lost Arianna too...and two months from now I lost Lily and James, Peter and Sirius....even Harry."

'Remus' seemed to accept this, as well as he could accept such a statement and turned quiet again. Remus was amazed once again how little he had changed over the years since he had been this young man. Even at this point in time he was already retreating into his shell, saying less and less and keeping to himself.

No wonder Sirius had thought he was the ruddy spy.

There were changes though. Looks mostly. The grey hair that was just sprouting in a few places on 'Remus'' head was starting already to spread prematurely all over Remus' head. 'Remus' face didn't have as many lines in it, most of which Remus had acquired through the last fifteen years as he moved from job to job and home to home, coming to the realization that most of his life was probably going to end up like that.

They were both silent until the sun was merely a reflecting light lingering in the sky, the coolness of nighttime settling onto their surroundings.

Having enough silence for one day, Remus stood up, not glancing over at 'Remus' as he started to walk back into the school.

"Remus?"

He turned, raising one eyebrow as 'Remus' called out to him.

'Remus' had stood and was standing tensely a few steps behind him, looking at him with pleading eyes.

"Yes?"

'Remus' opened his mouth a few times to speak, but didn't get anything out till the fourth or fifth time, and even then it came out slowly and meekly.

"How do you get through it?"

Remus' gaze never strayed from his younger counterparts face as he thought back to Dumbledore's words.

"I daresay you have plenty of good memories. If not enough to outweigh the bad, enough to give you room to create more."

"You hope," he said matter-of-factly. "And you wish. And you keep going. Because you know that you can't stop."

"Why not?"

"It will all be over tomorrow, Remus..."

"Because when you stop, so will any chance you have to make it better."