The Hardest Steps

Here's to the strong,

Thanks to the brave,

Don't give up hope,

Some people change,
Against all odds,

Against the gray,

Love finds a way,

Some people change.

-Kenny Chesney

----

You were a generalization. You found that word a few years back and had been surprised at how well it fit. Indeed, some people felt they knew more about you than you did about yourself. You could have laughed at them.

Some of it, you hate to say, was true...was.

But for the most part, no one really knew who you really were. Not your "friends" in Slytherin, not your father or mother, no...not by a long shot.

Potter and Weasley thought they knew. You sure weren't giving them any reason to think otherwise. That was how you were...how you were supposed to be, from day one.

It seemed too cliché that it all came down to a girl. But it did, and that was even more of a generalization than your life was.

It wasn't just her, it was everything about her: her laughter, her acceptance, her understanding, her bloody temper...

To be fair, it wasn't all her. For a while, you seemed to have been developing your own mind, figuring out that you had this strange feeling of agency when you weren't around your father...this sense of...freedom.

You realize that the shadow of your father isn't quite as big as you always thought it was supposed to be. You realize that it would be all too easy to step out of it.

You didn't quite know what to do at first. You continued play the part, the familiar sense of authority that you had grown up with and had gotten you this far. Then you began to realize that "this far" was bloody bull. You were on the trail to becoming exactly what your father was, and that wasn't a pleasant thought.

It was a shame that Weasley didn't actually choke on his food that morning you walked past him, giving him and Potter a friendly smile.

First step.

You continued walking but heard Potter banging on Weasley's back, asking if he was okay. It might have been a little too far for a first attempt, but you found the liberation quite refreshing and were keen to try again.

You got your second chance when you spotted her in the hallway, frowning slightly as she appeared to be lost, which, wasn't that unfamiliar. The Slytherin dungeons were cold and unwelcome, no self respecting Gryffindor went down there unless their life depended on it.

So you were doubly surprised when she saw you and didn't immediately curse you or throw an insult. To be fair, you didn't either.

Second step.

You had trouble remembering her name. She was obviously a Weasley but he didn't associate with the younger students much, especially Gryffindors. She knew your name, of course, who didn't? And she was rather suspicious about your apparent "wanting to help".

After a rather strained conversation with you trying to act like a regular human being and her trying hard to figure out what you were up to, you directed her to the staircase away from the dungeons and she hurried away.

You stared thoughtfully after her and realized that the civilized conversations you had with her was not only amusing, but rather enjoyable.

You didn't run into her for another week, and this time it was in the library. She was sitting alone, which you thought odd seeing as she had lately often been in the company of the Golden Trio of Gryffindor. Feeling confident and rebellious, you went and sat across from her.

She still gave you suspicious glances as you attempted to make small talk, but eventually began to warm up to you. She even smiled a few times.

Third step.

You didn't know how it happened, but you weren't really surprised. When you got the note from you father, warning you about your choice of friends (even girlfriends, which he was of course referring to) you rebelled again, throwing it into the fire and sending the owl off without a response. He had escaped Azkaban nearly a year ago and was still living almost normally at the Malfoy manor, the dark magic that surrounded the house guarding him from the Ministry of Magic.

She never found out about that note, but she did smile at you occasionally in the halls now. Her brother and Potter still were suspicious but they didn't throw insults, and neither did you.

Your classmates noticed your change, specifically your Slytherin dorm mates. You waved off their questions and refused to comment. When Blaise finally confronted you outright, you dragged him to a corner of the common room and shared with him your summer revelation about the subject of freedom.

He was, of course, doubtful at first, and seemed disgusted by the fact. But as the days went by, he kept shooting you curious glances and finally talked to you again a week later. You both decided to make the change, and as you were well on your way, you helped him more.

You took him to the library with you the next day and were almost happy to see her sitting in the library again, alone.

You took Blaise over and sat down. You hadn't talked to her since the library incident a few weeks ago, but still tried your best to sound friendly.

She was almost too polite as she talked and you could tell she was trying her best to not ask you what your bloody problem was.

As you left, you called her by her first name, saying goodbye.

Fourth step.

You wanted to laugh at her shocked face but quickly exited, dragging an astonished Blaise behind you. He pounded you with questions instantly, wondering how or why she was even acknowledging your presence. You laughed at his astonishment and had him come with you to enjoy the fun as you walked by the Gryffindor table and said a cheery "Hello" and "Alright there?" to Potter and Weasley.

You got the second owl from your father that night. It was a howler, so the whole house heard your father's form of discipline for you while you were in school. The curse words traveled almost to the Great Hall and you grimaced at the shreds of paper after it had destroyed itself.

Right then, you moved onto the next part as you tried to start stamping out the prejudice in your mind. You began watching specific people closer and came to the realization that Granger was actually very smart, and not to mention powerful. Potter, even with his muggle-born (you made yourself stop saying the other word) mother, was talented as well. You even got to the point where you smiled when those Creevy Brothers pulled a prank on Snape in the great hall involving some of their pictures that they had acquired.

You didn't make much more progress with her for a while. That is, until you managed to bump into her on a Hogsmead weekend, literally. She fumbled, dropping a few bags she had and you carefully helped her pick them up. She snatched them from you quickly, trying her best, you were sure, not to glare at you. You were by yourself, no hotshot bodyguards or female annoyances that seemed to cling to your arm.

You took a great leap and offered to buy her a butterbeer in apology for knocking her down.

Your heart leaped as she cautiously accepted.

Fifth step.

It was rather enjoyable as you sat across from each other. She seemed rather nervous but you kept smiling (not smirking, smiling) and made some small talk with her as Madam Rosmerta brought your drinks over.

She took two sips before she blatantly asked you what you were doing.

You knew what she was talking about, but didn't exactly want to outright say it. So you remained quiet, looking at her curiously as she stumbled on her words.

When she seemed to be getting rather embarrassed, you hastily told her that you understood what she was saying.

"Some people change," you told her bluntly, and the conversation stopped there.

She still seemed suspicious, but smiled easier and you made light conversation for the next half hour until she seemed to suddenly realize what she was doing, jumped up and hastily excused herself.

As you watched her retreating form, she turned around once to offer you a hesitant smile before rushing back outside.

Sixth step.

Through the next two months you continued to grow more and more interested in her and everything about her. It wasn't until you were sitting in Hogsmead with her again, almost four weeks after the first incident, that you realized you found her attractive.

When you voiced this realization to Blaise, he smiled slyly and dared you to ask her out. Blaise himself had come a long way and you and he were becoming the sort of "black sheep" in Slytherin.

You started at his suggestion and realized that that was exactly what you wanted to do. Knowing that you couldn't, not yet at least, you went about harder to be accepted by her and her friends.

Potter, Weasley and Grander were the hardest to convince. Hey, they still don't fully trust you. But they too blatantly asked if you were sane in the head or if you were pulling their leg. You still found it hard to be nice to them, especially Potter, but the more they stopped glaring at you, the easier it became. By the time you could smile at them in the halls naturally and they would smile back, only one month was left of school, and then you were out of Hogwarts for good.

Seventh step.

She still had a year, but you were somehow determined to at least figure out your feelings for her before graduation. You and she had been tense "friends" for a few months. Not "best friends" but you met up often in the library, in Hogsmead and even talked in the halls together.

You found yourself smiling all the time when you were with her and loving every time she smiled back. You both laughed together and it was a wonder how you had ever been so cruel to her in the first place.

Eight step.

Throughout those months, your father had been sending howler after howler, but you had ignored each one. You didn't actually expect him to turn up so soon.

He visited you the very evening when you were about to go see her to ask her out. He had been let into the common room and that's where you found hi, sitting regally...dangerously on the armchair in the common room.

A war of words was exchanged, one that you would never forget for the rest of your life. You point blank denounced his teachings to you, calling him a death eater and a coward all in one. He, on the other hand, turned his wand on you, disowning you from the family and causing you to have to go to the hospital wing. He swept out of the room, leaving you there on the ground, praying that someone would catch him in the halls, carting him back to Azkaban, but even then, you were sure he would escape.

You didn't bother to tell the nurse what had happened, but she seemed to be more interested in healing your wounds. She found you there and looked more concerned that you figured she would be as she was about to tell you off for making her sit in the library so long waiting.

Ninth step.

Dumbledore came by as well and, though you didn't tell him, seemed to know exactly what had happened. He took you to his office when you were healed and, after having a deep discussion about your life and your parent's lives, gave you a peculiar offer.

The Order of the Pheniox. You had never heard of it before, but were instantly curious. When he asked if you would be willing to join, you were surprised at how quickly you said yes. He informed you of other students that would be joining upon graduation and among them were Potter, Weasley and Granger. You took the news considerably well and felt a huge weight lifted off your shoulder as you left his office.

You had just officially turned against everything that you had known.

And you were surprised by how good it made you feel.

You hurried to the corridor where you had instructed her to meet you and were almost jumping for joy as you told her what Dumbledore had offered. She was very excited for you at first, smiling brighter and more beautiful than you had ever seen.

Tenth step.

But then she turned quiet, voicing aloud her worries about your safely and the safety of the others that were to join the Order.

When her first tear feel, you couldn't take it any more and immediately reached down, brushing her face with your hand and wiping the tear away.

She looked up at you with surprise, but you didn't let her say anything before leaning down and covering your mouth with hers.

Eleventh step.

She was shocked at first, and so were you, but your mind screamed with joy as she wrapped her arms around your neck and pulled you closer.

Twelfth step.

Fireworks exploded in your head and you felt dizzy with the taste of her. You groaned slightly, wrapping your arms around her waist, afraid that any moment she would realize what she was doing and pull away in disgust and fear.

But, when you finally pulled away, she left her arms around your neck, a surprised expression on both your faces. But this time she cut you off from saying anything, pulling you back for another kiss that lasted almost longer than the first one.

Thirteenth step.

That night you confessed everything to her, from your growing up years, your "brainwashing" as you liked to call it, to your rebellion and your father's warnings. She seemed to be growing steadily upset and was nearly in tears when you finished. She didn't say a word, merely pulled you into a hug.

And you held her there, on the cold floor of a quiet hallway, in the middle of the night.

And you cried.

Fourteenth step.

The next few weeks flew by for both of you. Neither were too keen on a "secret" relationship, so you made no attempts to hide your feelings from one another, except around her older brother, who had begun glaring at you again but had thankfully not beat you up, and Potter, who didn't seem necessarily mad, but looked at you with a calculating expression all the time. You figured it was because Dumbledore had informed him that you would be joining the Order.

You tried to spend every waking hour with her, and it wasn't too hard until finals came around and then you barely saw her for a week. When you were both finally done, you spent the whole day together, outside in the sunshine and by the lake.

That night you told her that you thought you loved her. She smiled mischievously and pointed out that you only "thought" and that you didn't "know". You seemed to think it over for a minute before telling her softly, and in all seriousness that you knew.

Fifteenth step.

Her grin widened and she returned the sentiment. You wanted to snog her senseless that night, but she managed to slip away from you by midnight and you spent all night awake, lying in your bed thinking about her.

Sixteenth step.

She came to your graduation and sat a few rows back, her face beaming for you as you accepted your certificate. Her brother and his friends were also graduating, but she had pulled you aside before it started, giving you a short kiss and reminding you to smile because she had brought a muggle camera to take some pictures of you.

No one else had come for you. Your father was still in hiding, though since he had disowned you, you really didn't expect it, nor would you have enjoyed it, and your mother didn't even acknowledge you as a son anymore. But no concords of mothers and fathers would be able to take her place as you saw her sitting there, just for you.

Seventeenth step.

You were inducted into the Order the next night with the others, and although she still wasn't a part of it, she blushed furiously as she gave you a "Congratulations!" present which turned out to be a muggle book she thought you would enjoy called "Romeo and Juliet".

The passing year was rather hard on you both. You moved into the Order's headquarters over the summer and it was all well and good until she left for school, and you started going on missions for the Order. Sometimes months would go by without correspondence from her as you worked furiously to gain more information about Voldemort and his followers. You ended up working with Potter and Weasley quite often and though you didn't become best friends, you grew to trust each other and often saved one another's lives.

Eighteenth step.

When Potter's final confrontation with the Dark Lord happened, you were right on the front lines. She had graduated six months earlier and had begged to go on the mission with you, but you had flat out refused. It was a good thing too, otherwise she might have gotten hurt.

Nineteenth step.

It was a grueling affair which seemed to last much longer than the 4 hours that it happened in. You were surprised how well you had come out and were grateful for your lack of injuries as she launched herself at you when she came to see you in the hospital, blubbering about how worried she had been and topping it off with a right good kiss in front of her whole family. You blushed beet red as you felt so many Weasley eyes on you but she didn't seem to care.

You blurted out then and there the question that you had been dying to ask her for the past few months and with tears of joy she nodded and accepted your ring.

Twentieth step.

You never saw your father after that night in the Slytherin dungeons, or your mother. You frankly don't care if you ever hear from them again.

You sit on your bed in your bedroom, your eyes trailing the years of memories that seem to be gathered there. They stay fixed for a moment on your wedding picture.

You're amazed that you've gotten this far. You're amazed at how happy you are.

You're amazed at how right everything feels.

Twenty-first step.

She walks into the room, her hair still slightly damp from her shower and she hurrily tries to fix it up as she prepares for bed.

You sit there silently watching her as she moves, as her lip juts out when she get frustrated and as she gracefully uses her fingers to finally get her hair up and out of the way.

She turns and smiles as she sees you watching her. No words are said, because you both know the unspoken thoughts that pass between each other.

Twenty-second step.

Little footsteps run up to the door and it creaks open, an 8-year-old blond boy peaking his head in with a trademark scowl.

He informs you that his sister is still crying and he can't sleep.

Twenty-third step.

You and she laugh and she quickly heads down the hall to your daughter's room while you take your son back to his bed.

Tucking him in, you tell him you love him and turn out the lights. You walk swiftly over to the other room and walk in. She's there with a little 3-year-old redhead girl in her arms who is sniffling, her eyes shut as she tries to calm down.

You watch them for a moment and when she finally lays the child back down, you swiftly reach over, pulling her out of the room, but not before giving your daughter a brush kiss on her small cheek.

Twenty-fourth step.

As you lie in bed that night, your arm securely holding her too you as she breathes evenly, sleeping in your protective embrace, you sigh in contentment.

Twenty-fifth step.