Of Love and Loss

Chattering happily about their summer holidays and the upcoming school year, the students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry flooded into the Great Hall. Severus Snape scowled in their direction then closed his eyes as the memories flooded over him.

******

He was just finishing the letter when she entered his tiny, but immaculately clean flat. He quickly signed, folded and shoved it into an envelope before she could see what he was working on. Sliding her long dark arms around him, she kissed his cheek. 'What are you doing?' she asked cheerily.

'Oh, writing a letter to a...a friend.'

'Sev, when am I going to get to meet your friends? You are always so secretive.'

'Marie, you don't want to meet my friends. They're boring. Why don't we just go out with your friends? Sally and Paul seem very nice,' he said quickly. This wasn't the first time she had brought up the subject of his friends, if the Death Eaters could be considered as such. They would kill her and probably him if they found out that he was dating a Muggle. No one in the wizarding world knew about Marie; knew that Severus Snape had fallen in love. And fallen hard. Severus's 19-year-old mind knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help that his heart had fallen in love with a Muggle. And that said heart didn't have the courage to tell said Muggle that he was a wizard. A dark wizard, with close ties to some of the most evil wizards of all time. The letter to Lucius about the potion he had finished that day was proof enough of that.

Finally turning to look at her, he smiled. A petite black girl with honey colored eyes and a large, smiling mouth, looked at him questioningly. They had met in a bookstore in London. He had been looking for a book on the history of battlefields throughout Europe; she was looking for a cookbook. They had hit it off immediately and starting dating. Three months later, Snape couldn't get her off his mind. Even at work, all he thought about was Marie. Her eyes, her lips, the way she kissed, the way she smiled, the way she danced, the way she made love. Potions work could be dangerous with such distractions. She believed that he worked in a chemistry lab, experimenting with cleaners. Well, he did work in a lab and he supposed that Potions would translate to chemistry in the Muggle world. However, he did not experiment with cleaners. He was developing new potions for Lord Voldemort and he was proud of his work. The Dark Lord had singled him out in his sixth year at Hogwarts. Severus could brew potions better than anyone else in the wizarding world by age 17. He was young, naive and easily twisted to the ways of Lord Voldemort. It was only when Severus met Marie that he started to question Voldemort's motives. If he, a Slytherin through and through, could fall in love with a Muggle, surely they couldn't all be bad, could they?

He stood and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him. Stepping back he asked, 'So, where are we going tonight?'

'Dancing. Well, I'm going to dance; you will probably sit at the table and drink Scotch all evening. Let's go!'

She smirked as he dropped the green cloak trimmed with silver over his shoulders. 'You are allowed to wear a real coat, you know. Only weirdos wear cloaks.'

He bit his lower lip and then forced himself to smile. 'I guess I'm a weirdo, then, huh?' She had questioned his odd clothing before. He did his best to look like a Muggle in her presence, but he had been born to an old wizarding family and raised in the wizarding world. Changing one's appearance from days in the wizarding world to nights with the Muggles was beginning to wear on him. He would have to tell her, he knew. But telling her would ruin everything. She would never be accepted into his world. Voldemort would ensure that. And he couldn't leave the wizarding world; the Death-Eaters would kill him before that happened.

Not tonight, though. Tonight they would go out to one of the clubs she liked. She would dance and he would sip Scotch and watch her. Then they would go back to her house and make love. After Marie fell asleep, he would slip out and back to his flat to wait for the Dark Mark to start burning. Afterwards he would fall into bed for a few hours of sleep then drag himself off to the potions lab that the Malfoys had built for Lord Voldemort's use. Raids and attacks were happening more and more often. Muggles and Muggle-born witches and wizards were being killed for simply existing. Severus wasn't sure how much longer he could live this double life. It was trying and he had a feeling that Lucius was starting to suspect something was going on. For all of Severus' cunning and intelligence, Lucius Malfoy was one of the few who might rival him.

Another month went by. Severus fell deeper and deeper in love and he felt himself beginning to pull away from the Death Eaters. While he was with Marie he felt happier than he had ever been, but inside there was a constant fear that Lord Voldemort would find out about her. That Lucius knew and was just bidding his time, either to blackmail him or torture him with it. When he was with the death eaters he felt ashamed. He knew that he had betrayed them and their Lord. He was going against everything that Lord Voldemort had ever told him. His world was falling apart and he didn't know what to do about it.

Then it happened. Severus came home from work one day to find Marie in his flat, crying. His first thought was that Lucius had found her and had done something to her. He certainly wasn't expecting what he heard when he put his arm around her.

'Marie?' he asked gently.

'Oh, Sev,' she sobbed, 'I...well, I'm pregnant.'

His eyes went wide and then he breathed a sigh of relief. His original fears had been unfounded. A baby? She was having his baby. At least, he hoped it was his.

'Is it? I mean, it is mine, right?'

She looked up at him with scared eyes. 'Of course it's yours. But, Severus, we can't have a baby. I can't believe you aren't upset about this.'

'Marie, believe me, there are a lot worse things in this world than a baby. You are right, the timing isn't great, but we'll work it out.'

She relaxed into his embrace and he rocked her gently. 'Don't worry. We'll figure it out. I promise,' he said softly in her ear.

********

She had begged him to move in with her since she found out she was pregnant. She insisted that her child needed its father around. But he was afraid to give up old life. Voldemort would be furious. There was no one else that could brew all of his potions. It was another three months before he got up the nerve to write the letter. He left it on her nightstand before walking out of her house and apparating to Malfoy Manor for the meeting. There was no way that he could have known that this would be the night that his entire world crashed down around him.

***********

She awoke to see the letter addressed to her. Yellow writing paper with green ink.

My dearest Marie,

I had to write this to you, because I cannot speak the words to express what you need to know. At the least I know that you will be shocked. In fact you may be very angry with me for not telling you before. Please, read this all the way through. And know that I do love you very much and I will do my best to right the wrongs that I have done, if that is possible to do.

First-I am a wizard. No, not a silly magician who does tricks on the telly. I was born into and raised in the wizarding world. I can and do use magic on a daily basis. I can prove this to you, if you'd like me to. I do not work for a chemical lab. I work for a private investor, creating magic potions. I use a magic wand and cast spells. I fly on a broomstick. I attended a private school for Witchcraft and Wizardry for seven years.

Second-Unfortunately, there are wizards who do not like Muggles (non-magic people) like you. This is why you have never met any of my friends. It is not because I am ashamed of you. It is because I fear what they would do to you or to me. Some of these people are very dangerous and I have been fearful for your life since we met. I should have walked away the minute I met you, rather than put you at risk. But I fell in love and then I couldn't walk away. I have gathered my courage and I am, at this time, prepared to leave my previous life behind to be with you, if that is what you want.

Third-You need to know this before you make any decisions about our future. There is a very, very good chance that our child will be a witch or wizard as well.

I do love you so much and if you want to be with me, I will sever my ties with my employer and colleagues in my world and will try my best to fit into yours.

With all my love,

Severus

**********

Lucius was bursting with pride and was telling everyone that passed by him that Narcissa was pregnant. And that their mediwizard had cast a charm to ensure that the child would be a boy. Snape gazed on miserably, wishing he could tell all of them about Marie and their future child.

Lord Voldemort finally signaled for silence and glared at Lucius. In his high, cold voice, he hissed, 'As pleased as I am that you are procreating and giving me new followers, please be aware that your wife is not the only witch expecting. The Potters,' he spat vehemently, 'are also expecting a male child.'

A murmur of unrest rippled through the assembled crowd. The Potters were clearly against the Dark side, though there had never been any motions against them. Many of the Death Eaters had gone to school with Lily and James and liked them well enough. They had sided with Dumbledore, but they were never particularly outspoken. Why was the birth of their child a matter of significance to Voldemort?

'Silence!' he raged at them. 'I have seen in my gazing crystal that this son of Potter's will be my undoing. Therefore they must all be destroyed.'

Snape heard no more. Fear, dread and realization had deafened him. They were going to kill Lily's baby. He liked Lily. She had always been kind to him, even if James and his friends Lupin and Black were complete prats. James had also saved his life that one time. Of course it had been James' fault in the first place. Voldemort would kill their baby? For no reason other than that Lord Voldemort actually believed in divination and thought he was a true seer. If the Dark Lord would kill the Potter's baby, he wouldn't hesitate to kill Severus'. Although that thought had been lurking in his mind from the day that Marie had told him, it now shone very clear and very true.

The meeting broke up and Snape apparated home. The final piece of his ruin was taped to the front door of his flat. An envelope. His name written in Marie's handwriting. The diamond engagement ring he had included with his letter fell out when he opened it. Trying to clear the tears out of his eyes so that he could read what she had written, he leaned back against the wall and sunk to the floor,

Severus,

You really are a monster. You lying, conniving, freakish bastard. I want nothing to do with you. I am not having this baby. I'm getting an abortion. You can keep your ring and your weird lifestyle. I don't want it and I don't want you.

Marie

Snape waited only until he stopped sobbing before he picked himself up off the floor and apparated to Hogsmeade. He nearly ran up to the doors of Hogwarts. He needed to talk to Dumbledore. He was done. He couldn't do it anymore. Voldemort hadn't given him power or wealth or anything else he had promised. Severus had become a murderer and for what? He wanted out and Dumbledore was the only one who could help him.

Several days of planning and hiding at Hogwarts, in addition to many letters begging Marie not to abort her pregnancy finally gave way to a plan and an agreement. Snape would continue his ruse as a Death Eater to help Dumbledore. The Potters had been warned that Voldemort was going to target them. Marie had agreed carry the baby to full term and then hand it over to Severus. He agreed not to contact her again. She wanted nothing to do with him or his child ever again. It was obvious that Severus could not raise a child, especially a half-blooded one in the wizarding world. If anyone ever discovered his deception of Lord Voldemort, his child would be their first target.

The months went by. In April, Narcissa Malfoy gave birth to a scrawny, pale child, male-of course. He was dubbed Draco Lucius Malfoy and treated as a prince by all in the wizarding world. Severus thought he was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen, but he smiled and patted Lucius on the back, congratulating him. In May, Marie handed Severus her newborn son and signed away all parental rights. The last words she said to him, 'I hope you are happy, you bastard,' rang through his brain even now, 11 years later. He held the baby close and apparated to St. Mungos, where he handed his son to another woman. She cried silently and her husband squeezed his arm tightly.

'Please, take good care of him. I have risked everything for him to be born and be allowed to grow up,' Snape whispered, swallowing hard.

'Severus, you are his father. We want you to see him as often as you can without drawing suspicion. We will take great care of him. And, if it's safer, he'll come to Hogwarts.' The wizard looked at him sternly. Albus had found such a wonderful family for his son. They were an American couple. A witch and wizard who couldn't have children of their own. And they were willing to let him still be a part of the child's life.

'Severus?' The dark-haired witch who would be his son's 'mommy' asked. 'What is his name?'

'What? Oh, well, he's your child, so you can name him.'

'Not really. I want you to name him.'

'Please, don't make me do this. It's hard enough as it is.' Snape felt the tears starting to sting his eyes. 'Just, all of my family-all of our names start with an 'S'. So, maybe, if you could pick something, maybe his middle name or something.' He turned and walked away without a look back. He apparated back to Hogsmeade and walked through a downpour to the castle. The dungeons at Hogwarts had become his home a month ago. In the autumn he would take up the position of Potion's professor. Not bothering to change out of his dripping wet clothes, he fell onto his bed and cried himself to sleep. It was the first time he had let himself cry since the night when Marie had left him.

When he awoke the next morning he was in a dry nightshirt. Damn house-elves! Albus had probably told them to check on him. Raising his head he noticed the note and envelope on his nightstand. He grabbed the note first.

Severus,

The Bakersons wanted to talk to you and wished that you hadn't left as rapidly as you did yesterday, but they did understand why. I saw the baby. He's beautiful. In fact, he looks just like you, except for his dark skin. As planned, no one else knows about the arrangement and your name is not on the birth certificate, so no one will know that he is your son unless you choose to tell them. Please don't hide in the dungeon for too long. It's too damp to stay down here.

Albus

The man really didn't get it sometimes. He didn't understand that Severus wanted to tell everyone, to tell the entire world that he had a son. But that he couldn't. That it would risk not just his life, but the life of that son. He had worked too hard and told too many stories to lose it all now.

The envelope was small and looked like it contained a card. He opened it slowly and removed an engraved announcement. A birth announcement, with a note enclosed.

The note read:

Severus, we won't make this official until you approve his name. Please come see him soon. Thank you, once again.

Amy and Brian

The announcement was gold, with dark green lettering.

Amy and Brian Bakerson are pleased to

announce the adoption of their son:

Lee Sebastian Bakerson

Born, May 10^th 1980

10:42am

Length-22 inches

Weight-8lbs.2oz

Snape scribbled quickly on the back of the note, "It's fine. Please give Lee a kiss for me. Thank you." and sent it off with his owl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A shout brought him back to the present and Snape opened his eyes and watched the first years troop in for their sorting. Draco Malfoy swaggered in, looking, as always, like he owned the place. Snape had to admit that he was more attractive than he had been when he was born but was still scrawny and a bit rat-like. He scanned the group for Potter, spotting him easily. He looked just like James, but had Lily's glowing green eyes. He also looked scared to death. Snape sighed, knowing that in just a few hours, across the Atlantic, another set of professors would watch his own son arrive at The Salem Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It had, of course, been too much to hope that Lee could come to Hogwarts. One look at the tall, slender boy and it was quite evident who his father was. And there were still too many Death Eaters loose. Too many that figured that Snape really had turned traitor and wasn't just acting to fool the ministry. Too many who would kill Lee if given the chance.

Snape had seen his son just last week. He tried to visit every few months. Lee was a smart, well-behaved child. He was close to his adoptive parents and even called Severus 'Dad' when he visited. They wrote, but never mentioned their relationship, in case their letters were intercepted. Severus loved this time with his son, but after every visit it seemed that the hole in his heart, the one that Marie gouged there with her letter almost 12 years before, grew bigger. Seeing Harry Potter being sorted; Gryffindor, just like his father, almost ripped his heart into two.

********

Minerva McGonagall watched Severus out of the corner of her eye. He was thinking about Lee; the look in his eyes revealed it. She was one of the few people who knew Severus' deepest secret. The man had changed through the years. At school he had always been a quietly sarcastic and pessimistic young man. Now, though, he was bitter and cold. Shutting out everyone. He had never expressed interest in another woman. Anything good that Voldemort had left in him had been destroyed by that girl. He must have really been in love. She also knew that it was the news that Voldemort was going to kill Harry Potter that had ultimately brought him back to Dumbledore. In a way, James and Lily's son had been his savior. She glanced back at Severus while everyone else watched Harry, who had just been sorted. She was the only one who saw him almost imperceptibly raise his glass and mouth the words, 'To Harry Potter.'