For He Hurts Too

Today has been an awful day. Well, most days are awful trying to teach this collection of incompetent, inept imbeciles the fine and delicate art of potion making but even so today was exceptionally awful. All this because some people can't follow instructions put in place for their own good, they have to go out and be heroes (or martyrs) because, of course, the world can't possibly survive without them there to save the day. Incredibly stupid even by my standards- I mean I don't expect much, even anyone who shows the slightest sign of having 2 brain cells to rub together is intelligent and they only have to use them to be a genius in my opinion.

Everything has been rotating in my mind like one of those muggle contraptions children go on for amusement- oh what are they called- merry-go-rounds, distasteful things. From Potter in Umbridge's office to just now with the Headmaster. I suppose at least now that the namby-pamby dimwit we call a Minister for Magic has finally realised what an idiot he has been for the past 12 months and is putting his resources to good use, we have more people fighting the Dark Lord.

When Potter alerted me to his belief that Sirius Black was in the Department of Mysteries I naturally sped to work. Not that I care for that man or believed Potter's rantings but because as an Order member it is my duty and obviously if it were true it would have been extremely serious. I shall not write here just how I rapidly established that Sirius was safe and well at Headquarters as that is privileged information and if this were ever to be found then I would not wish to be the one to disclose such an important secret. After all, I was on the wrong side in the last war and Dumbledore has forgiven me and trusts me implicitly but I am aware that if I were to break that the damage would be irreparable. Needless to say, the methods in place for communication between Order members are irrefutably more reliable than anything at Potter's disposal.

So I confirmed Sirius was safe at Grimmauld Place by speaking- I supposed you can call it that- to the detestable man himself and so I went to communicate to Potter that all was well and he was NOT duty bound (as he seems to believe) to rush off to the rescue. However, I was too late. Somehow Potter and his little gang had already managed to escape the office and get out into the grounds. When I arrived, rather than discovering the primly decorated office that I had left not an hour before, I entered into a distasteful wreckage with several students from my own house in various states of consciousness and cleanliness on the floor. There were clear signs of the usage of Stunning Spells, a definite Impediment Jinx and a rather dramatic Bat Bogey Hex. By the time I had got the students up to the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey had patched up enough of the students sufficiently for me to get a coherent version of events out of them time had marched on. I awaited Potter's return for another few minutes but realised that Potter must still believe Sirius to be captive and he and his friends were making their way to the Ministry of Magic as I was pacing around the entrance deducting points from students.

I hurried back to my office and I contacted Headquarters and found Moody, Shacklebolt, Tonks, Lupin and Sirius all seated in the kitchen. I explained the situation as expeditiously as I could and they all immediately rose to go to the aid of Potter- how on earth he thought that he could deal with the Dark Lord on his own I cannot begin to fathom and this time he willingly lead his friends into danger! I do believe he is denser than I believed possible. Anyway, obviously there were no time for niceties and I bluntly requested that Sirius not be so stupid, that he remain seated at the table like a good little boy until Dumbledore arrived and he could tell me what on earth Potter had got himself into this time. I left them hurrying around preparing themselves to leave (and in that infernal girls case destroying things as she went- always has been that way, causing more destruction than a hurricane, my poor, poor classroom). I then hurried down to the Forbidden Forest (it is forbidden for a reason- yet another thing Potter appears unable to grasp) and started to search for Potter and his cohorts.

I was careful in searching the forest, after all it was dangerous before the distasteful business with Firenze but now a person is taking their life into their own hands if they go into that place - I suppose that perfectly suits Potter. Obviously, I didn't search the whole forest but did a prudent sweep of a few of the paths- this was me optimistically hoping that Potter wouldn't have been foolish enough to go in too far. It was then I noticed what appeared to be a freshly made route through the trees. There were broken twigs and foliage scattered around. In a last ditch attempt to find Potter and return him to the relative safety of Hogwarts I followed this thinking it was most likely made by his little expedition in there. I was certain this is the path they had taken as deeper in the forest, where the ground remains saturated due to the absence of light, there were several sets of footprints. I came upon a clearing, or maybe I should call that a thinning of the trees as there was still minimal light being let in, and the footprints ceased. Here there were signs of recent commotion, everywhere there were hoof prints, they definitely belonged to centaurs but how many of them had been there I couldn't have estimated. There were also signs that something larger, something that doesn't belong in the Forest, had been there. Several trees were uprooted and there were large footprints that had evidently replaced some made by the centaurs, I didn't have time to ponder what could have been in the forest, but, mulling it over now, I can only presume it has something to do with Hagrid. Needless to say, there was no sign of anyone and I decided that I would be better use back at the castle. Of course, I wasn't scared but I felt that I had been looking long enough. I was surprised at the time that they had managed to get away what with their brooms being locked up, but by now I know that Potter will always find a way. I admit that I was also surprised not to find Umbridge, although now I know both why that was and how Potter and his followers managed to escape both her and Hogwarts.

By the time I'd arrived back at the school it was getting late. There was little I could do except wait patiently for news and so I went down to my office so I could have a bit of peace. I didn't think Dumbledore would appreciate me telling anyone my suspicions of what was going on. There were enough rumours abound about Potter, especially after the exam this afternoon and although I trust the staff to be discreet I didn't feel at the time there was a way of explaining the absence of several students to a satisfactory degree. After all, Potter had gallivanted off on the premise to save a convicted murderer that everyone has been fearing since he escaped from Azkaban nearly three years ago now. Therefore it was just easier to be alone until I heard news of what was going on, I was sure to be radiating off tension. I know that I may not be the most welcoming person but the staff know me well enough to know when something is troubling me and a lot was running through my mind. Was the Order really ready for such a challenge? I know we have been preparing for this for a year and some of us had expected action sooner but this was dangerous.

It was very late by the time news arrived of what had happened. I had long since given up sitting alone and was patrolling the corridors- I didn't expect anyone to be up but it gave me something to do. In fact, I did catch a group of Griffindor seventh years having an end of exam party, obviously they wanted an exclusive soiree and they paid dearly for it- points deducted and detentions until they leave Hogwarts! Anyway, I digress. I was up passing the hospital wing when I saw a light from beneath the doorway and heard Dumbledore speaking softly to Poppy, I tapped lightly on the door and entered. Dumbledore raised his head and said that I was to come to his office in an hour and that I was to bring along the other Heads of Houses, it would be sooner but there he had other more pressing issues to deal with. I glanced around the ward and took stock of who was there: Granger, who looked rather worse for wear and seemed to be suffering a great deal with each breath; two Weasleys, Ginny's ankle was noticeably broken and Ron who had some strange deep grooves cut into his arms; Longbottom, whose face was arrestingly covered in blood from a broken nose; and Lovegood, who appeared relatively unscathed and still had that vague look on her face. I noticed the marked absence of Potter and for a second felt a twinge of something like guilt but then realised that in fact that must be who the Headmaster was with now. So, knowing that there was going to be no use loitering around and getting in Poppy's way I left and went to awaken Professors Sprout, Flitwick and Vector (who has been standing in for Minerva since that sneak Umbridge unfairly attacked her). I can tell you that was a thankless task.

Dumbledore's office looked as if a Niffler had been set loose in it. Many of his belongings had been scattered all over the floor, most of them were in pieces, some beyond repair. Dumbledore told us that he was back and that he would be giving the students the day off tomorrow- allow them a long weekend. He continued to explain that due to events that night the Ministry were finally convinced that Voldemort really was back and that he felt it was fair to give the students warning before they found out either from the Daily Prophet or from an owl. Rumours would be flying about the school and he felt it would be better to supply them with the facts before things got out of hand. Therefore, the Heads of Houses were to go tell their Houses first thing about this while he told the rest of the staff. The rest of the Professors left but I remained standing awaiting further instruction or information. Dumbledore looked sad and almost vulnerable but he offered me a seat and then began to tell me what had occurred. He explained who had been hurt and how severely and how when he had arrived the members of the Order who I had alerted had been locked in a fierce battle with Death Eaters. He hadn't got there as swiftly as he had hoped as he'd had to glean information from Kreacher as that fool Sirius had done just like Potter and raced to the rescue. I had sneered at this and mentioned something about him being a thick plonker and presumably he had landed himself back in Azkaban. At this Dumbledore had sighed, something very rare and his eyes had filled with tears. He then told me how rancorously Sirius and Bellatrix had battled, how Sirius had suffered the ultimate blow, how he had fallen through into death after being knocked back by a spell of Bellatrix's- even he was unsure what one, it happened so fast. I just nodded when he said this, not registering what this meant. I have trained my mind to store such major facts until I have time on my own to process them. All I knew was I felt a slight tinge of coldness go over me. He went on to tell me that Potter had witnessed this, that he had pursued Bellatrix and that Voldemort had appeared and tried to kill Potter, even attempted to force Dumbledore into killing Potter by possessing Potter. He told me that the abhorrence between us was likely to deepen due to this, a sort of displaced blame. I know though that my hatred of Potter can deal with that, it runs much deeper than anyone can believe.

After that Dumbledore fell silent and I took that as my cue to leave. I walked down to my office and I haven't moved from the position I slumped in until now, when I write this. I needed time to reflect on the days events, to order things in my head. In time I will use my Pensieve to delve deeper but for now I shall leave it. The whole nights events have impacted enormously on my life- with Voldemort 'officially' back my job as spy to the Order has become more dangerous and yet more important. The war is truly on now and things are bound to accelerate from here. How I feel about that I'm not sure. In some ways it excites me as the demand for my skill is immense, it is a challenge that will test my control, subtlety and numerous other abilities to the limit; yet at the same time I am scared, the death toll is mounting and I am in potential mortal peril from both sides. If I was found to be acting as a Death Eater then I could be killed and yet if the Dark Lord found out that I was a rogue member then no doubt I will be facing a fate worse than death. What infuriates me is why I am in this situation. It is all because of Sirius, James, Lupin and Pettigrew. I was always interested in the Dark Arts but I may never have probed so deeply or found myself so embedded in it, if it hadn't been for them. All I ever wanted was revenge on them- they always went about acting the heroes, especially Sirius and Potter. They were forever the apple in the eye of everyone; handsome, clever, comical- all in all generally wonderful and yet they couldn't just be happy with their lot. They had to show they had power, prod and poke and hurt people who weren't as wonderful as them. Of course I am bitter, what did they expect after all this time! It's what drives me now though, what makes me push so hard and be who I am. I WILL do well and prove that in spite of them I am a worthy human being, a survivor.

Yet I am shocked by how I feel about the death of Sirius. When the Potters were killed I was on the other side. I regretted the death of Lily, after all she was one of the most lusted after girls in the school and did seem to stand up for people. However, I didn't feel sad, I was almost happy James was gone. He had made my life a living hell and now he wasn't here any more to continue it. Much of this all came later because at the time there was just fear among all the Death Eaters- what everyone had thought was the impossible had just occurred. However, I am side-tracking from the issue here. Maybe I should just leave it, maybe to shows that it is not something I want to face. Fine, I know I must and I shan't rest properly until it is out of my mind. I admit I do feel a slight sense of happiness and relief that Sirius has gone but this is somewhere deep down, a sort of primal feeling, almost instinctive because of everything that has gone on. Mostly I just feel numb. I'm sure that is just the realisation of my own mortality, it is not everyday you are forced to think about it and it be so real. Naturally, it is something that enters my mind frequently- you don't try and dupe the Dark Lord without it crossing your mind, but there it is all in your imagination not a hard and fast figure in reality. The numb empty feeling isn't due to knowing that a big part of my life has just gone. I carried the bitterness for so long and I still carry it, it doesn't just evaporate with death, with knowing that you can't make the people who you direct the bitterness at suffer any more. It can't be that, it mustn't. I'm also not going to let myself feel guilty or let anyone else, least of all Potter and the chip on his shoulder. I am not to blame. Sirius was big enough to just brush aside my comments, he didn't have to store them up and sit and fester, he could have got on with making the best of things. He just needed to use that brain of his rather than short cutting it and thinking just with his masculinity and heroism streak. If I am to blame anyone on our side it should be him and Potter, not myself. If Potter had only paid attention and bothered to work at Occlumency rather than being a nosy, proud, little git, he wouldn't have had that vision and raced off to the Department of Mysteries and Sirius' own hero need wouldn't have been triggered and he'd still be sitting in Grimmauld Place like a good boy and quite alive. It's not my fault, not at all, not even a smidgen. I won't let that thought even enter my head. Just because I hate the boy does not mean I let it compromise my ability as a teacher, he just didn't want to know. No, blame does not rest even the slightest bit with me. I wouldn't allow animosity to risk lives, I'm sure I wouldn't.

It is late, or should I say early? I shall have to be off to inform Slytherin soon. This has come as far as I can take it at the moment. I'm certainly glad not to have to attempt to leave some lasting imprint on the brains of imbeciles today, my mind is too occupied.