What's In Her Drink

"I'm never going to forgive you for this, you know that?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "For the last time, Professor, you know I have absolutely no desire to go to this, either, but I promised Harry. Do you think I have any desire whatsoever to watch Neville suck face with Ginny?"

Severus wrinkled his nose. "I suppose you wouldn't. And do you have to use such crude terminology? The brightest student during her interm at Hogwarts, Head of the Dai Llewellyn Ward at St Mungo's, and that brain of yours can't dredge up some more appropriate terminology?"

Hermione smiled at the compliment buried in the sarcastic comment, striding along determinedly. Severus walked beside her smoothly, trying to think of a concrete reason why they couldn't possibly make Neville and Ginny's twentieth marriage anniversary. He was beginning to contemplate inoculating himself with dragonpox when Hermione spoke again.

"Honestly, Severus," she said, "it's not that bad. I mean, our twentieth anniversary is coming up, and then they'll come to ours!"

"Our what?" asked Severus, puzzled.

"Our party," she answered, rolling her eyes again. "You know... food, presents, music, dancing?"

"We're having a party?" he asked blankly. "When? What? Twentieth? Huh?"

Hermione glared at him, her eyes getting dark with irritation. "You forgot, didn't you?"

"Of course not," sputtered Severus indignantly, his mind racing frantically. Was it the fifteenth? Sixteenth?

"Whatever," muttered Hermione, reproach and hurt thick in her voice. She stomped off, leaving Severus in her wake.

"HERMIONE!" he called out. "HERMIONE!"

She walked off in a fury.

"Damnable women," he groaned, lifting his robes slightly. "Damnable women, damnable hormones, damnable parties watching Longbottoms... suck face!" He huffed as he took off after Hermione.

Three hours, four butterbeers, and five shots of firewhiskey later, Severus watched his wife fume as she chatted with Harry, who was attatched to Luna, and Ron, who was with Random Bimbo of the Week. He watched her stomp up the stairs, sending the McGonagall Stare Of Doom at him. He watched her gallop down the stairs, glaring daggers at him. He watched her chat with Arthur, as she promised death, destruction, and the drawing room couch for the next decade or so.

He really could not win. He either had to make it up to Hermione, or spend his nights slumbering on the extremely Victorian, and hence extremely uncomfortable, couch. He drudged up to Hermione, only to be knocked down as she rushed towards the loo, pushing hapless passerby out of the way.

"What did you put in her drink?" asked Snape, striding over to Neville.

"I hadn't given her anything to drink, sir," said Neville cheerfully, holding his wife around the waist. "She stepped outside to talk to Charlie. Charlie lit up one of those cigarettes of his, and Hermione turned green and ran for the washroom."

Severus sprinted over to the manor's closest wc, listening to Hermione heave up her last meal.

"Hermione!" he barked, pounding on the door. "Hermione, are you all right?" Harry came up behind him, ducking under Snape's arm.

"Go away!" she screamed. "Piss off!"

"Well, she's feeling like herself again," he grumbled, glaring down at Harry. Harry looked up at him, a sudden look of recognisation on his face.

"Wait here, Professor," said Harry, and he ran for his wife. Luna. After a minute, they returned, and Luna listened to Hermione wail about her sore legs and cursing her weak stomach.

"Oh!" said Luna breezily, smiling. She turned to Severus, grinning up into his face. "Tell me, Severus," she said pleasantly, "has Hermione been tired lately? A bit achy perhaps?"

"Well, yes," said Severus, confusion in his voice.

"Well, I expect she's been eating a bit more than usual as well. Probably a bit more moody? Let's see... ah yes!" She hugged Harry suddenly. "Harry, I'm so excited!"

"What are you talking about, Miss Lovegood?" sniped Severus, crossing his arms and giving his best impression of "Evil Bat at Large" look. Luna wasn't phased in the slightest.

"You honestly didn't know, Severus?" she said cheerily. when he arched an eyebrow at her, she laughed. Congratulations, Severus, you're going to be a father."

"WHAT?!"