Second Glance

October 30, 1981

"The plans are all laid out now, Wormtail. When, do you think, should we carry them out?"

It would have been customary to reply, 'Whenever you think is right, my lord,' but you think of Remus' stony face breaking open and freezing when he hears the news, of Sirius' boundless energy jailed forever, of James and Lily together for infinity where you can't see them, ever again.

You reply, "As soon as possible, my lord. Tomorrow."

*

You were never jealous of any of them. You weren't. You had your share of girlfriends in school, though they were never the prettiest nor the smartest nor the most popular. Even Sirius had better girlfriends then you, before he and Remus got together.

It was Sirius and Remus that bothered you the most, but not because you thought the idea of two boys together was wrong. Lily and James were Head Boy and Girl, the most driven, the best. Everyone knew they would be together, and you accepted it, along with the rest of the school. But you were still supposed to be best friends, even when James occasionally opted out on you three for time with Lily.

Nobody had ever sincerely considered Sirius and Remus as a couple. They were friends, but they weren't even the closest in your little group until the second half of sixth year. James and Sirius had been inseparable and unconsciously exclusive since before first year. It was only after Lily that Sirius had truly accepted and opened up to you and Remus. If he could have had it his way, when you were all eleven, Sirius would have kept James all to himself, and never even given you and Remus a second glance.

They had so little in common, save their love of mischief and quick minds, but you were just as mischievous and occasionally as shrewd. Sirius was so outspoken and open, all sunshine and bright smiles. Remus was secretive and shy, a shadow, and the moon, no matter how cliché it sounded. They shouldn't have fit so well together, but they did.

Sirius was most comfortable during the day, surrounded by people and light. He kept away his demons until sunset, and only then did he let his guard down. Remus was very nearly clamped shut during the day, but he let himself bloom at night. They completed the puzzle that was the other in that respect. They thought that no one knew of their frequent trips to the common room at one in the morning during sixth and seventh year, but you did. You don't know exactly what transpired during their moonlight conversations, but the following morning, they would each be exhausted yet quietly content in a way that made you want to punch their shared half-grins right off their faces.

You weren't jealous of them. You were just jealous of what they had. You wanted it, but no one could give it to you. No one even bothered to wonder why you were jealous, because, most likely, they never even noticed.

*

"Tomorrow, Wormtail? Would you be so hasty in this endeavour? You know what the consequences will be if you fail, and the worst of it will not even come from me."

"I do." And then, in a rare moment of bravery, "but the plans are as ready as they will ever be. Does it truly matter if we do it tomorrow or the next day, or the next?"

He finds your flash of self-assurance entertaining, for he smiles condescendingly, but his tone is amused.

"I suppose you are right, for once. This is your deed to do, and if you wish it to be tomorrow, then it will be tomorrow. You know what to do, when to do it, and where to be. And do try your hardst not to fail, little rat." You hate it when he calls you that.

"I know. I will."

* October 31, 1981

"Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?" You wave your wand, and, seconds later, transform back into Wormtail.

The look he wears is one of absolute panic and surprise, but behind his usual strong flood of emotions is a tiny fragment of relief. You hate him for it like you have never hated anyone before. You hate that he now knows the punishment he unjustly faces, knows his best friend is dead, and knows that you are a traitor. He knows all of this, but he can still smile, because it was not his lover who betrayed Lily and James, it was you. You, to whom he would have never given a second glance. You were never much more than a face in the crowd to him; you just happened to be sitting in the front row.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. He will be caged forever, but he was in love. It's more than you can say for yourself, anyway.