Never Ever

"Remus, please. Just listen. I-- I know, it was all my fault, and I'm not trying to blame anyone else, but you need to understand. He had me pinned against the side of the building. Snape, I mean. It reminded me of-- well, it reminded me of something I'd rather not think about. He had me there, against the bricks, and I panicked. I thought he'd never let me go, I thought he'd-- hit me, or something. So I told him what he wanted to know, and he left. I felt-- I feel awful, Rem. I know this is all my fault, and I understand that you hate me right now. I'll understand if you hate me forever, but I don't think I could bear to lose you. Please, just think about what I've said."

1.
"I know what you're trying to tell me, Sirius. I know that you're sorry and all that, but you just don't understand. We-- the Wolf and I, I mean-- we'll never be able to forgive you for this. And even if I could, I don't know that I'd want to. I'll never be able to trust you again, not after this."

"Oh." He stared, broken open and rejected. And softer now, "oh. Yes, of course. I'll just... go, then."

"You do that. I don't think I can talk to you right now."

2.
"I will, Sirius. I'll think about it. But I want you to know that you've betrayed me, betrayed my trust in you. It will take a long, long time for this wound to heal."

"I know, and I understand, mostly. I'll leave you be, now. If I were you, I wouldn't want to see my face."

After Sirius had left, Remus sighed. He was already forgiven, for the most part. No one could stay angry at Sirius for long, not with those sad, stormy eyes huge with regret and guilt staring at him. Forgiven, yes. But his regaining his trust-- that would take longer.

1.
"Sirius. Hey, Sear! Wait a minute." Sirius looked over his shoulder, caught James' eye. He paused on his way to the dormitory, waiting for James to catch up. "Alright. What'd he say?"

"He said-- he said he'll never forgive me, him or the Wolf. Never ever. He can't even bear to talk to me, anymore."

"Oh, Sear..."

"And you probably shouldn't, either, you know. Remus wouldn't want you to, no one wants you to. Just be his friend, Jamie. Merlin knows he needs it right now."

"But--"

"Go, Jamie. Go, or I'm leaving."

2.
"Sirius. Hey, Sear! Wait a minute." Sirius looked over his shoulder, caught James' eye. He paused on his way to the dormitory, waiting for James to catch up. "Alright. What'd he say?"

"He said he needs to think about everything I said. I betrayed his trust completely, you know. And just when I thought I could tell him... I can't believe I screwed up the one good thing I had going for me."

"Hey, now. He's thinking about it, right? There's still hope and all. You told him about Snape and stuff, right? About why you told him?"

Sirius paused, thought back, trying to recall his desperate words. "Kind of, yeah. I told him Snape had me trapped, and that I panicked. I didn't tell him why, though. You're the only person who knows that."

"Oh. Well. Just give him time, Si. He'll understand, he has to."

"He doesn't have to do anything. This is all my own fault, anyway. I'm just lucky he hasn't completely rejected me, yet."

1.
"Remus, it's been months. Can't you see what this is doing to him?"

"He looks fine to me. And doesn't he have a new girlfriend? Jenny? Ginny? Something like that, whatever. He's moved on, obviously. Why can't you?"

"He hasn't! You're not watching him, not like me. He barely eats or sleeps, and he's getting in with the wrong sort of people. Death Eater Slytherins and the like. I can't let him do this, Rem. He's getting to be self-destructive. Soon..."

"James. Stop. Go to him, if you want. I won't hold it against you. You love him, I know. Go."

"You won't? You don't mind?"

"It's not that I don't mind, but I'm not going to keep you from him. You need each other."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just go."

2.
It had been months, and Remus had been watching Sirius. He watched the silence that seemed to stifle Sirius' naturally radiant nature. He noticed how Sirius had given him the space he needed, without being told. Perhaps his friend had a bit more common sense than he was often credited with.

Remus inhaled deeply before standing up and striding across the common room with a confidence he didn't feel. "Sirius? Can we talk?"

Sirius looked up, uncertainty in his expression. But he smiled, hesitant but willing, and nodded. "Of course. Where to?"

1.
"Sirius?"

He jumped at hearing his name; he must have been half-asleep over his Potions homework. "Oh. James. Yes?"

James couldn't help but notice how Sirius' guard went up once he was recognized. He inwardly winced at the fear and hesitancy in Sirius' expression. He had never before seen such expressions on a once carefree and daring young wizard, and felt a pang of guilt run up his spine. "Hey, are you feeling okay?"

Sirius looked at him like he had suddenly grown another head. James hadn't spoken to him for months, and now he asked how he was feeling? "Define okay."

"You look sick, kind of. Y'know. Feverish, too thin. Have you been ill?" Damn, but this wasn't going at all how he'd planned.

"No. No, I haven't."

"Look, Sear--" and how Sirius flinched at the nickname didn't go unnoticed, "I came up here to talk to you. I've missed you so much, but before, you told me to go to Remus..." In a rare, impulsive act, James took the step forward and threw his arms around Sirius. "Look at you, Si. You're gonna kill yourself like this."

James felt Sirius' shoulders tense then relax at his touch. Sirius, only half-believing, whispered, "You're sure you want to be here, James? Have you thought about what you're doing?"

"Only every day since you told me to leave. I've wanted, for the longest time, to--" and since today was his impulsive day (why not?) he leaned forward and kissed Sirius. "Well. Do that."

2.
"So." Sirius shifted on the bed, distinctly uncomfortable.

"So," and then Remus laughed, nervously, because the whole thing was honestly ridiculous. "You know, I had forgiven you before you even asked, that day. I just... I was scared, and I didn't trust you."

"I don't blame you, Remus. Not at all."

"But I've been watching you. And I can tell you're sorry, can tell in every little thing you do, and I can't believe I've let this go on so long. Before the Willow thing," and yeah, that was awkward, that he didn't know what to call it, "there was something that I wanted to tell you."

"Yeah? I had something, too."

"Yeah?" They both giggled a bit, still nervous, still tense.

"Well, you first."

"I was thinking that maybe I kind of liked you more than just as friends." He paused for a moment, then added, "I can't believe I just said that. I just wanted to talk to you and let you know you're forgiven, and then I said that. Sorry, then. I can go, if you want..."

"Hey! Hey, don't go. That was actually, er, something a lot like I was going to tell you. Y'know, before."

"Before? Well, yeah, like I said, I can go."

"Not just before. Now, too."

"Oh. Oh! Well..."

"D'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next month?"

"I'd love to." And suddenly, Remus wanted to add I love you, but he thought better of it. Save it for some other time, he chided himself. It's too soon, for both of you.

"Great," and Sirius smiled, genuine and real and just for Remus.

1.
Sirius' eyes had gone impossible wide in his pale face, and James cursed himself. "Sorry, sorry," he whispered hurriedly. "I didn't mean to scare you, or anything. Oh, Merlin, why is this so awkward?" His voice had risen and risen, more out of frustration with himself than anything, and he closed his eyes.

Only to open them seconds later, because he could hear Sirius laughing, just a little. Sirius' laugh had always been contagious, ever since they were seven years old and met each other for the first time, so James couldn't help but join him. Soon, they were both laughing harder than they had in months, and they couldn't even remember why. Falling back on the bed, they quieted a bit, still gasping for breath, and their eyes met. Sirius' laughing grin transformed into a shy smile before James' eyes. He leaned forward, and kissed James square on the lips. James could taste the laughter on his lips and the joy in his smile, and couldn't remember anything ever feeling this right.

2.
It was the coldest February that either Sirius or Remus could remember, but it didn't matter to either of them. As the re-entered the Three Broomsticks for a last cup of Butterbeer before returning to Hogwarts, they were flushed from the cold, but more so from their snogging session behind the pub.

They shared a contented smile over their drinks. Sirius' smile, warm and trusting and uniquely Sirius, spoke to Remus in volumes, and it meant more to him than any number of words or apologies ever had. He didn't think he could remember ever feeling this happy, this at ease, and he knew he had never, ever felt this right.