Spring Cleaning

Scrub the house from top to bottom: Start in the attic and work your way down to the basement. On each floor, go from the north end to the south end. Give the windowsills an extra-thorough scrubbing - there's nothing worse than dust. Polish the windows carefully, being sure to never leave a handprint. Work extra hard to clean up the sticky patch on Dudders' floor. Wipe off the sinks, working your way from the outer edge to the faucet. Vacuum under the beds. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

Wash the light colors on Mondays and the dark colors on Tuesdays. Ooh, that's a nasty stain - hand wash that shirt. Stitch the seat of Dudders' pants and wash out the mud. Sort through a pile of Dudders' old clothes for something to give to the other one. Do not ask Vernon why the new shirt you gave him ended up in the rubbish bin. Pick out some rags for one of Marge's awful dogs to tear up. Hem your mother's old dress. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

Line up your perfume bottles in alphabetical order, and arrange your makeup by color. Make sure that your comb is at a forty-five degree angle to the mirror. Always put your hairbrush away. Figure out the pH of your shampoo so that it won't ever damage your hair. Always wash, rinse, and repeat - never do it just once. Don't smudge your lipstick. Never use blusher or eye-shadow; it just makes you look like a whore. Accent the few good points you have, and cover up the rest. Wear a high neck, even in the summer. Wear a clean apron when you cook. Tie your hair back, and don't ever dye it. Don't paint your fingernails. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

Arrange the photo albums in order of date. Don't check to make sure there aren't any pictures of Lily - you threw them out years ago. Remember that you threw them out years ago. Don't remember her face. Don't think about how the boy's eyes are the same as hers. Make sure that the plastic is flat on each page. Dust the shelves, then dust them again. Wipe down the covers. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

When cooking, balance out the flavors of each dish. The spice drawer is over here and the cupboard is over there. Don't use pepper - Vernon hates spicy food. Make sure that Dudders drinks milk at every meal. Make sure that the other one gets enough to eat; you don't want the doctor asking questions again. Make sure that all your puddings are decorated symmetrically. Arrange all meats in a circle on the platter. Don't overfill the vegetable dish, but don't cook too little. Mashed potatoes should be fluffy. Cooked carrots should be soft but not mushy. Use plenty of butter for both. Don't use any unnecessary bowls. Clean up after yourself. Keep a close eye on the dish machine - don't let it stop without emptying it out. Leave plenty of room in the dish drain. Use cloth towels, not paper ones. Be sure to use clean sponges. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

Walk with your back straight, your head held high, your arms at your sides but not rigid. Pretend that you aren't ugly. Wear flattering dresses. Don't be loud, but don't keep your voice quiet. Argue as little as possible, but let it be known that you disapprove. Smile, but don't grin. Frown, but don't sneer. Keep your steps small and soft - walk, don't stride. Wear comfortable shoes. Don't ever go barefoot. Don't ever shout or cry in public. Don't run. Ignore the boy.

"Aunt P'tuna?"

Straighten up slowly, putting your hands on your hips as you turn around. Frown. Give him room to back away. "What?"

He is not sweet. He is not adorable. You do not ever want to give him a hug. "How'd I get this scar, Aunt P'tuna?"

Don't freeze. You are not nervous. You are not even apprehensive. "In the car crash when your parents died. And don't ask questions."

"Oh." Pause. "Does it hurt to die in a car crash?"

"Don't ask questions."

Don't think that he's looking up at you the way Lily used to. You don't remember what she looked like. He doesn't look like her. "Oh. All right. I... Oh."

Clean the silver in order of value, from the least expensive piece to the greatest. Scrub the cabinet. Dust underneath it. Don't break the glass. Don't ever break inside.