Amsterdam

Amsterdam
I'm gonna write you a letter
I'm gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks

We broke up six months ago yesterday and saw each other for the last time five months ago today. And I write him everyday, seal the letter and then throw it in a box. I'm too chickenshit to actually send the things. I just want him to know I can cope. And someday I will be able to do that which I brag about it letters no one reads.

Remus and I write regularly and I always tell him to give my regards to James and Lily. I know he does. And I know the two of them sit up and talk about me and how I really am. It's how things worked in school. We never changed that much.

I've been in Amsterdam for five months now. Everyday it gets a little better and every night it gets a bit worse. One step forward, two steps back. I've had so many lovers I can't even bother to keep count anymore. All of them have the same face...hazel eyes, messy black hair, glasses. None of them last more than a night and can you expect them to when I scream out the wrong name during sex?

Pathetic, really.

He wasn't even that good in bed.

Okay, that's a lie. He was good in bed. He was fucking brilliant (no pun intended). Gods, I miss him so much.

And this is always when I lose it and go make another cup of coffee, lace it with bourbon, and wank in the bathroom.

That's fucking pathetic for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From way up on your cloud
Where you've been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

I haven't seen Sirius in five months. I keep meaning to write him, but I always get sidetracked. Either Remus stops by (and he always has a bloody letter) or Lily needs me to get her something and the market (her food cravings are insane--ice cream and ketchup). And of course I'm happy to do it for her, we're having a baby for god's sake, of course I'm happy. It's just this part of me keeps hoping that Sirius is going to walk through that door.

And I know it's wrong to think that. I'm married. And Lily knew . . . knows. She never complained. She even told me once it would have been fine with her, so long as she knew it was only Sirius. But now she's pregnant and her mood swings . . . it came up in a fight the other night. Of course she cried after she realized what she had said, but she may have meant it. I would have if I'd been in her position.

Remus brought over Sirius' latest letter yesterday. It was interesting to say the least. 'I hate it here, but I can't leave. I'll visit soon, I think. Sirius, don't tell James this, but the guy I was with last night . . . he was Muggle. Do you know what HIV is?'

And Remus told me what HIV is. And I'm thinking I may have to write that letter tonight, even though I wasn't supposed to know.

God, I had to pick a fucking idiot, didn't I?

He was always stupid.

Okay, that's a lie. Sirius is only stupid when he's upset or angry.

Dammit, I have to write that letter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Come back down here,
I'll show you where it hurts
Take this bitter pill
Is it easy to swallow?

Remus wrote back. Told me what HIV is. That Muggle son of a bitch. I wonder if a Healer can fix it. Remus said I have to get tested and I don't even know what he's talking about.

And he told James. I know because James wrote last night and tried to say in a off-hand way, which he's fucking terrible at, that I need to be careful and use protection. He says Lily's due in late July and will I be home to see the baby?

Remus says James is just as moody as Lily lately. I'm almost willing to go home just to see that. Instead, I wrote him another letter. Only this one I actually send.

James,
Yes, I'll come home in July. I can't wait to see your baby. I'm sure he or she will be absolutely beautiful. I'm being safe no matter what Moony tells you. Give Lily my love.
Yours,
Sirius

'Give Lily my love?' Jesus Christ, that's why he left me isn't it? To give Lily the love he was giving me? But I send the letter anyway. It's not her fault.

So I guess I have to get this test now.

Why the hell am I so bloody scared?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're wasted in the great unknown
and I am getting ready to dispose
of all your vintage clothes
Your drugs and every secret code

I love him, I really do. But my hands are shaking now and I broke the coffee pot when Remus showed me Sirius' letter. Lily's up out of bed and now she's worried because neither one of us will meet her eyes or tell her what's wrong. And it's not good for her to worry. It's bad for the baby.

I already asked Remus if a Healer can take care of that HIV thing and he said 'no' but it takes a little bit to get really bad and they were working on it so maybe . . . just maybe they'll have a cure soon.

Sirius tested positive. He said he won't come home. He said he hates it there but he won't come home. 'It's absolutely terrible here and I hate it, but I can't come home. I'm not ready to see James yet. But I'll be there in July. I promised him. And you know I hate to lie to James, Remus. I've never lied to him. Ever.'

And I know that was his way of getting back at me because he knows I read those letters. His way of saying 'haha, James, I still love you and I don't care that you took it back because you're the liar, not me'. He's so bloody annoying.

Even when he's dying.

Oh, God. Sirius dying.

I think I'm going to be sick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm gonna write you a letter
I'm gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks

I sent Lily a letter today, saying how sorry I was I won't get to see her baby. And I sent Remus a letter telling him to look after Peter because he's hopeless and James because he is too. And I sent Peter a letter telling him to look after Remus and he'll try. And then I sent James all of his letters. I did it by Muggle post because there are so many.

I'm going to kill myself tonight. I thought about it. This HIV thing is going to kill me and I don't want to get weak. I'll just end it before it gets worse. But I'm going to miss them. All of them.

I'm doing it with my wand instead of pills or a blade. No one will know what happened except for Lily, Peter, Remus, and James. I'm ashamed of myself, but there's no other way.

I'm ready for this, right?

I brought this upon myself, right?

Good-bye, Remus, Peter, Lily.

Good-bye, James. I love you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From way up on your cloud
Where you've been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

We buried Sirius today. I locked myself in the guestroom for hours and wouldn't come out. I read those letters over and over, but especially the first one.

James,
I love you so much it hurts. Dammit, I wanted to start this letter saying I hate you and I don't care and I'm so much better. La dee fucking da. God. Oh, well, it's not like you'll ever read this anyway. I'll do better tomorrow. I promise. I guess I might as well say it now. I love you so much it breaks me inside. I can't hate Lily, even though I told you I did. I know you're trying to be noble and I'm just selfish, but we were together for longer. And I guess I just can't get over it. I love you, James.
Yours eternally,
Sirius

That bastard. That fucking bastard.