Choices

I walk across the worn floor. Pace across. 5 steps across, 5 steps back, turn, pace, pace. It's dimly lit. I can see my shadow move across the floor as I pace. My mind keeps running away from what I'm trying to think about and I have to force it in the right direction. They tell you that these choices come in life and in stories the answer's always obvious. Be evil or be good. Follow love or your fathers will. But in real life it's so much different. There are so many possible ends. Good and bad in each choice.

Turn, pace, pace, turn.

I wish I could say that there was one my heart was telling me to choose but unfortunately my heart has abandoned me. Nothing is pure. What once brought pleasure now brings pain as well. What once brought pain brings unwanted pleasure. And this is when the choices come in.

Turn, pace, pace, turn.

In the end it's the outcome I care about. I want to be alive. And I want to be happy. But I don't know which choice will bring me that. So I cast about for a compromise. But that's what I did last time. And the time before. And the time before. There is no room for compromise here. The big life choice everyone talks about is finally here.

Turn, pace, pace, turn.

I always thought I knew what I'd choose. Always thought that the answer was obvious. But that was before... before... But the answer's not obvious, nothing clearly points to one direction. I wish for a sign. Anything to help make up my mind. Heads or tails. Pick a number.

Turn, pace, pace, turn.

I look up and catch a glimpse of someone in the mirror. White-blonde hair hangs half over a man's face that is worn and tired. I realize a second too late that it is my reflection. I blink and I see myself come back. Is that what they see, I wonder. Is that what he sees? It is becoming hot in the room and I am suddenly reminded that I have not eaten for at least two days. I sit down. The pacing stops. It is time for decision. The room is smoky from the fire place and the heat makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I try and breathe. It's not working. I look down at the desk and see the gun. Another option suddenly occurs to me. My trembling fingers pick it up. My hand wraps around cool, solid soothing metal. This way there would be no choice. This way it would all end. No more decisions for the rest of my life. Nothing. I bring the gun up to my head, nestle it in the soft dip in the side of my head that seems to be made for it. I take a breath and close my eyes. The clock ticks. It is silent. I try and make my fingers pull the trigger. They won't. I try again. Nothing moves.

I throw down the gun in, anger, frustration, relief. I cannot stand it any longer. I storm out of my study, down the hall, out the door, outside. It is raining. Pouring down from the sky.

"God's tears," my mother would say.

God's tears of relief.

The rain brings so many memories. Memories I've tried to ignore. His face with rain sliding down the lines that are far too old for their bearer. Plastering his hair to his head. Not sticking up for once. The way the rain droplets caught on his eyelashes and mad him look so...young, innocent. Something tears inside my heart and all of a sudden everything I've been holding in finally lets go and I'm crying. My face is hot and sobs are torn out of me with painful relief, and spit is starting to come out of my mouth because I can't keep the little animal noises from coming out of me until there aren't any more tears left. And it's just my body, shaking. Slowly my breath comes back to me and I collapse on the steps.

Suddenly I hear a faint ringing from nowhere and I blink my eyes, confused. Then I hear the calls and realize, of course, New Years. I relax against the steps and take a deep breath. I am in no mood for decision making. I'll think about it later.

The rain has soaked through my clothes and my hair is dripping down my neck. Oh well. I look up at the sky and at all the stars. Real stars, not the multi angled things they teach you how to draw in kindergarten. A point of brilliance that hurts with its clarity and stark beauty. Then I hear the whine of some fireworks and red and green explodes across the sky, taking the shape of a lion and a serpent. My relaxed smile is gone. Time to go in. But before I can get inside there is another loud boom and the red and green figures scramble themselves and become... a star, a red and green star, slightly blurred by rain dripping off my eyelashes and into my eyes.

I stand stock still. The world seems far away, the cheering voices, the rain streaming down.

I wish for a sign. Anything to help make up my mind.

Then suddenly I feel a huge grin spread across my face and before I know what I'm doing I'm inside sitting in my chair. I hurriedly push the gun off the table and reach for the telephone. Then I pause. What if...

But almost of their own accord my fingers are dialing that number long ago memorized. Ring, Ring, Ring, click-

"Hello, Harry?"

Fin