Punished

Punished

*

Chapter 2

Memories

*

The first memory wasn't really a memory, it was just a picture Remus had collected from what Sirius had told him. Whatever he'd missed, it was certainly accurate enough to convince Severus of the fact that Sirius hadn't been just "scolded a bit."

*

They were in the Headmaster's office. Besides the two men observing the scene, there were three people in the room. Sirius was standing in front of the Headmaster's desk. Behind the desk sat Dumbledore himself, and Professor McGonagall stood next to the Headmaster.

"I can't get you expelled," Dumbledore said, his voice uncharacteristically cold and harsh. "That would require explanations, and explanations would cause problems to your friend Remus, who hasn't done anything wrong but has been the one who was hurt most."

Sirius shrank back. He felt both Dumbledore's and McGonagall's gazes locked on himself. There was no twinkle in the Headmaster's eyes now.

"I think this situation requires an extreme punishment," Dumbledore continued just as coolly. "You have to be made really understand what your whim could have caused. Therefore, you'll serve a detention every night for the next two months. In every detention, you'll be watching a special... record."

"What kind of record, Sir?" he dared to ask, trying to keep his voice calm but failing miserably.

"That you'll find out tomorrow afternoon," McGonagall snapped sharply. "I can only say that I'm extremely disappointed on you, Mr. Black. I would have expected better of you. Even though the punishment is indeed extreme, I think that you've deserved it in whole."

*

The next scene was in the Marauders' dormitory. James, Remus, and Peter were all sitting in their beds, anxiously waiting for Sirius to return from his detention.

At last, the floor flung open, and they all raised their eyes to the incomer. James drew a sharp breath of shock as he saw his best friend in the doorway, his face pale and traced with tears, his hands trembling and lips pressed tightly together. As they saw this, Peter was immediately on his pitying mode, and Remus forgot all thoughts about holding any grudge against Sirius.

Severus stared at them all and started to cry silently. "Oh, fuck, Moony," he sobbed, tears flowing down his cheeks. "I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry..." Then he started crying again, flung himself to his bed and lay there, his shoulders trembling with the waves of sobs that flew through him.

Remus glanced at James and Peter, who were both, like he, staring at Sirius in shock. They couldn't even imagine what could have broken their friend like that.

*

Later that evening, Remus raised his eyes at James, who sat down next to him on the werewolf's bed. "How is he?" he asked quietly. "He won't tell me anything about it. What it's all about?"

"They force him to watch a record," James said quietly. "It shows how the Ministry officials execute a werewolf. He says it's a girl in the record, about seventeen, and she looks almost just like you."

"Oh," Remus whispered, paling immediately. "That's... that's horrible."

"Yeah," James admitted, nodding grimly. "Obviously Dumbledore isn't going to let him flee without an extreme punishment."

"No, really," Remus said very quietly. He knew that record. He'd been forced to watch it before they'd let him attend to Hogwarts. Every summer, he had to watch it, and then they'd ask again whether he wanted to go to the school and possibly endanger his fellow students' and his own life. And every time, he'd replied, "Yes."

Once a year was much. Too much for him, almost. The realization that it was real, that it had really happened and could happen to him, was almost enough to tear him apart. Even if he only saw it once every year.

And Sirius would be forced to watch it every day for two months.

*

They woke in the middle of the night to a horrifying shriek.

"MOONY!" Sirius cried out, sitting up in his bed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't realize, I was stupid and it was my fault and I'm so bloody fucking sorry..." Then he was crying again, sobbing incoherently all the time.

"Sirius?" James said warily, approaching his best friend's bed. "Sirius, what's the matter?"

"They killed Moony," the tall teen cried. "They killed my Moony, and it was my fault, all of it!" All were too shocked to even notice his use of a possessive form.

"They didn't kill him," the bespectacled boy said, trying to calm down the other boy. "Moony's all right, Sirius. It was just a bad dream."

"You lie," Sirius snapped bitterly, his face hid in his hands. "You all lie. You killed Moony. Moony is dead and it's my fault!"

"No, I'm alive," Remus said hoarsely, walking over to Sirius. "I'm alive, Paddy, I'm alive, and it was just a stupid nightmare..." He sat down next to the dark-haired boy.

"M - Moony?" Sirius sobbed, turning towards him. As he saw Remus, he flung himself to him, wrapping his arms around his neck, all the time crying. "Moony, tell me you're alive, tell me you won't go away..."

"Hush, Sirius," the werewolf replied gently. "I'm alive and I'm fine. I will be here, Siri. I won't leave you." He hugged Sirius back, rubbing his back soothingly. James and Peter just watched, unable to do anything to help their horribly scared friend.

Little by little, Sirius calmed down. He still clung on Remus, not allowing him to go.

"I'm so bloody fucking sorry," Sirius whispered into Remus's ear. "Can you forgive me?"

"I already forgave you," Remus replied gently. "Just forget it, Sirius."

"I can't forget it," Sirius whispered back. "They won't let me forget it."

Remus couldn't think of a response to that.

*

Another night. Another nightmare. Another cry.

Another time to convince your friend that you're truly alive.

"Don't leave me, Moony," Sirius whispered. "Don't leave me ever."

"I won't leave you," Remus promised softly. "Ever."

They were the only ones awake. James and Peter were already back sleeping, after making sure Sirius was all right and didn't need their help.

"Good," Sirius muttered and hugged him even tighter. "I couldn't bear it if I lost you. I would kill myself if you died."

"Don't say that," Remus said, horrified. "You don't mean that, Sirius."

"Yes, I do," Sirius said stubbornly. "I would die without you, I would want to die. I couldn't live without you."

"You're kidding," Remus said, chuckling softly. "You have other friends also. You and James are almost like brothers. You wouldn't die just because of me."

"Yes, I would," the other boy replied. He drew a bit backwards, locking his eyes at Remus. "I do love James and Pete, true. But I'm not in love with them."

Remus blinked, startled. "Excuse me?"

Sirius's eyes flew wide, and one of his hands flew to cover his mouth. "I'm sorry!" he cried out. "I didn't mean to say that! I - I'm sorry, Moony - please, just don't hate me -" His voice trailed off and he started crying again.

"How could I hate you?" Remus asked softly, drawing Sirius back nearer. "What are you babbling about, Siri?"

"I didn't mean it," Sirius said, his eyes clouded with tears. "I didn't mean it and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry about everything!"

"What you didn't mean then, Sirius?" Remus asked firmly, determined to get a decent answer this time. "What you're sorry about, for Merlin's sake?"

"I didn't..." Sirius drew a deep breath, then said softly, "I didn't mean to fall for you, Moony." He hid his face in his hands, shuddering as a new wave of tears hit him.

"Sirius?" Remus said a bit testingly. "Sirius, look at me."

Sirius raised his teary face towards Remus. "I'm sorry," he said for the umpteenth time.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," the werewolf said softly, then leaned forward to kiss Sirius.

Sirius replied the kiss, tasting salty with tears, but it was still Sirius, Sirius's lips under his, his arms around Sirius. And that was all Remus could ever ask for, for he'd been in love with his friend for longer than he could think of.

And then the kiss broke, and Remus looked gently at Sirius. "Tell me about it," he said, and they both knew what he meant.

"I can't," Sirius said quietly. "It's so horrible - I just can't. I deserve it, I deserve to have to watch it, but you did nothing wrong and I won't tell you about it!" His voice was growing frantic, and he again clung on Remus's arms, like wanting to stop him from leaving.

Like he could ever leave.