To Hope for Anything

To Hope for Anything

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In Your Time of Need

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3 Months, 2 days

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It was late that night when Sirius returned to the quarters he now shared with his husband in Hogwarts. Not seeing Severus anywhere in the living room, he went to the bedroom, indeed finding his beloved there.

Severus was curled up on their bed, still fully clothed, seemingly having fallen asleep in exhaustion. Good, he needed rest. It was soothing to know that this exhaustion couldn't be due to some bodily exercise his husband wasn't allowed to do, as Albus had placed a slowing charm on him, so that even if he ran around the whole day, he could not use more energy than on a slow, peaceful walk.

With a slight sigh and a rare moment of tenderness Sirius noticed the typical fine, light "fur" of people who had anorexia on backs of the Slytherin's hands. He didn't see Severus's arms because of the long-sleeved shirts his husband always wore -- the Potions Master was always cold nowadays, his body having too little energy to keep him warm -- but he knew that the fine "fur" went on even there.

'He's like a little bird, his feathers ruffled,' thought Sirius tenderly. 'And he's just as helpless and weak as a newborn bird.' And yet as soon as he'd thought that, he abandoned the thought. Partly, at least. Severus was not weak, and definitely not helpless -- at least not when anything else but his eating habits and health was concerned. But when he'd had to eat, or to avoid exhausting himself, he had no control over himself.

Sighing, he shook Severus's shoulder. "Sev?" he whispered. "Severus, you need to get changed for bed."

"Mmm... Sirius?" the Slytherin was almost immediately awake. Knowing that it was already late, his internal clock never failing him, he blinked. "I just meant to take a little nap," he muttered. "I didn't mean to sleep for the whole day."

"It's okay, Severus," Sirius reassured him, smiling a little. "You need rest. And it isn't like you had classes to worry about, either." That was true. When it had become evident that Severus truly had a nasty case of anorexia, Dumbledore had freed him from his teaching duties for the time being. This way, both Sirius and Severus could concentrate wholly on Severus's recovery, however hard and hopeless it seemed and however unwilling Severus was to do so.

"True," mumbled Severus. "I don't care about clothes right now. I'm still sleepy." Without saying anything else, he promptly fell asleep.

Sirius took one look at his again sleeping husband, then chuckled a bit, and drew a blanket over the black-clad form. Then, after relieving himself of some layers of cloth -- he wasn't too sleepy for that, like his husband -- he lay down on the bed, his arms wrapping themselves around Severus's body, startled to notice the form even thinner than before.

Having dimmed the lights before even getting to the bed, Sirius smiled grimly in the darkness. In his mind he vowed to make Severus whole again.

*

"Severus?"

"Yes?" the man asked wearily. He didn't even bother to turn towards her.

"If you don't put on some weight, you might never get children." This at least made him raise his eyes. "It's true, you know," the mediwitch continued. "Anorexia can make witches permanently infertile. The same goes for wizards. I don't know what plans you and Sirius have for the future, but, Severus... Whatever it is, do consider carefully."

"I could still father children," argued Severus. He was right, of course -- but she was right, too. Unlike Muggle men, wizards could both father and carry children. Their ability to carry an offspring was highly thanks to a special kind of magic flowing through their body, mixed with their usual body actions so that it produced a special hormone, as well as made them possess a small organ rather similar to a uterus. However, just like anorexia -- or malnutrition in general -- might harm a woman's hormonal balance enough to make them permanently infertile, it might also make a wizard unable to carry children.

"But you're in no condition to take care of even yourself, leave alone a pregnant spouse," Poppy huffed. "Stop daydreaming, Severus Snape -- or, rather, stop trying to convince me that you're fine, when it's obvious that you are not. You weigh less than half of what a man with your height and body build should! And I'll be damned if I don't fix that matter."

He didn't say anything.

*

As Severus had been so uncooperative on his checkup, Poppy was startled to find him in the Infirmary the next day when she came back from lunch. She took one look at the Potions Master, noticing how startled and almost frightened he looked. "Okay," she said, sighing a bit. "Tell me what is wrong -- or what you think is wrong," she then added, unable to help the slightly bitter tone in her voice.

Severus's voice, however, was just as level and steady as always, although not without a slight hint of fright. "I threw up this morning," he said.

Now, Poppy was truly startled. "Bulimia?" she asked. Oh, of course it could not be. If it was, he wouldn't be telling her. But then... why?

"No." Severus shook his head quickly. "I hadn't eaten anything. I just woke up in the morning and felt so horrible that I could only go to the bathroom and throw up everything that was in my stomach. Which wasn't much," he added then, sounding a bit ashamed. "Thankfully, Sirius wasn't awake yet."

This made Poppy at first frown, then, to the wizard's great shock, almost smile. "Let me run a scan on you," she said, pointing her wand at him and murmuring a few words. The Potions Master stayed passive while she watched a bolt of light with the slightest tone of purple envelope the tip of her wand. Whatever it meant, he couldn't tell, but by Poppy's expression he could tell it did matter something.

"What's this, Poppy?" asked he irritably. "What is wrong with me?"

"Not necessarily wrong, Severus," she told gently, a soft smile now gracing her lips. "It's just that you are pregnant."

*

"Sirius?"

Sirius's eyes were immediately drawn to the far-too-thin figure sitting on their bed. "What it is, Severus?" he asked gently. That morning when he'd woke up, he'd known that something was wrong, but Severus hadn't told him what. Even when questioned, the Slytherin had claimed to be perfectly fine, but Sirius had known it hadn't been so. Nor was it now, or so it seemed at least.

What Severus said, however, startled him a great deal. "Promise you won't get mad at me?" asked his husband, uncharacteristically quiet, and sounding almost... scared.

"Of course not, love," replied Sirius. "Why I'd ever get mad at you?"

"Promise you won't get mad at me, no matter what I have to tell?" It was clear now that Severus wasn't being his usual self at the moment. This, of course, worried Sirius.

"I promise," he said sincerely, sitting down on the bed next to his beloved. "Or even if I get mad, I still won't stop loving you. But I'll try my best not to get even mad." Frowning then slightly at the other man's still hesitating expression, he continued, "It's something bad, isn't it? Have you got thinner, or what?"

"Oh, no," Severus said hastily -- a bit too hastily by Sirius's mind. "And it's not bad -- or maybe it is. It depends completely on how you view it." Noticing the Animagus's confusion, he then added softly, "I, personally, don't think it's bad... But I have no idea how you'll react."

"Try me," was all that Sirius said. His eyes were firmly locked at his lover.

Severus took a deep breath before opening his mouth. After a couple of futile attempts with no sound coming out, he finally managed to blurt out, "I am pregnant."

For a moment, Sirius just stared at his husband, his eyes wide. Then, just as Severus was about to start fidgeting -- something he never did under usual circumstances -- the Gryffindor suddenly threw his arms around his husband, pulling him into a hug tighter than almost ever. And that embrace was so full of love and warmth that there was no mistaking about how Sirius felt about these surprising news.

"So you aren't mad," Severus concluded quietly. His hands crawled behind Sirius's back as if on their own accord, the far-too-thin arms wrapped around his husband's muscular torso.

"Of course I'm not," Sirius murmured back. "I love you, Severus, and especially I love the thought of having a child with you." Then he frowned slightly. "You must be then -- what, at least a month along?"

"You should know the time, Sirius," said the Potions Master dryly, stiffening a bit in his arms. "After all, it was you who called any sexual action between us two into a halt by that time."

"Only because I thought it would be the best for you," said the Gryffindor softly, loosening his embrace a bit. "It was no more about lovemaking to you, Severus -- it was just the only form of bodily exercise you were allowed, and your emotions about it were just as such. I am not going to make love with you if you don't truly enjoy it."

"I'm an adult man," Severus argued. "I'm not a two-year-old child who has to be fed every spoonful."

Sirius suppressed the urge to tell that sometimes he was just like that. Instead, he said, "I know that very well, Severus, my love. However, I can't help but worry. You're so weak already. How are you going to make it through the pregnancy?" 'And how can you eat for two, when you don't eat for even one?' the unspoken words echoed in both their minds.

"I will take care of myself," Severus promised raspily. "For the baby's sake, if not for anything else."

This time, Sirius didn't respond. He just hugged Severus still a bit tighter.