Standing Still

Standing Still

*

One fine morning

*

One morning, Sirius woke up, feeling not good at all. In fact, he felt horrible, he noted as he ran to the bathroom to throw up violently.

He was still kneeling over the toilet, spitting the last remains of his previous day's supper, as he heard a quiet voice behind him.

"Ziwiuz," Remus said quietly, watching him with a concerned frown. "Ziwiuz ill?"

Sirius sighed deep. He really hadn't wanted Remus to see that, but he couldn't really prevent it. He'd arranged everything so that Remus's wheelchair would move into a sleeping position at night, and again come up to a sitting one when the werewolf woke up. That way, Remus wasn't dependant on him with moving in and out of his bed. However, that also meant that Remus always knew what was going on with him.

Getting up to slightly trembling legs, Sirius moved over to the sink to wash the awful taste out of his mouth. "It's nothing, Remus, really," he assured the frowning werewolf, trying to fake a smile. "I just didn't feel really good. I'll be okay soon, I promise." Inside his mind, he briefly wondered what it could be. One possibility crossed his mind almost immediately, but he brushed it off almost as soon as it had arrived. It couldn't be. Or could it? He both hoped and feared that possibility. Hoped, because it was all he'd ever wanted, besides Remus, of course, and feared, because he truly didn't know how he could deal with it all.

Remus's frown still didn't disappear. This was one of the moments when he really didn't behave like the three-year-old he was on mental level. Instead of buying his explanation, Remus said a bit snappishly, "Ziwiuz ill. Ziwiuz not okay."

Sirius sighed again, this time in slight frustration. No matter if he was in his right mind or not, Remus could be really stubborn at times. In the two months following Remus's so-called accident, he'd come to notice that when the werewolf had his mind set on something, he could not be led away from it. So, he again faked a smile. "Okay, I feel a bit ill," he admitted to his ex-lover. Okay, so Remus was still his lover, but it wasn't like he would ever use him on his advantage, he would not have been more than a paedophile if he sank as low as to that. "I promise that if I still feel ill in the evening, I'll go to see Poppy. You'd like to visit Hogwarts, wouldn't you?" he added hopefully. Even though Remus had been examined in the St. Mungo's, by the mediwitches and mediwizards there, it was still Madam Pomfrey whom Sirius would trust whenever the need arose. Like when Remus had got a fever a month before, and he'd practically carried his whining lover to Hogwarts for Madam Pomfrey to examine.

Remus's eyes practically lit up. "Hogwawtz!" he squealed. "Poppy make Ziwiuz okay!"

Sirius was relieved. Seemingly he was getting out of this rather easily -- if it was only a stomach bug. If it was what he suspected, well, then it wouldn't be easy. But he would deal with it.

Remus managed to turn his wheelchair around. Even though Sirius had to lead his way on uneven terrain, such as outdoors, he was well capable of moving around the house on his own. "Bweakfazt!" exclaimed Remus with enthusiasm.

Suppressing a groan, Sirius followed him. He tried hard to ignore the nasty lurch his stomach gave at the mere thought of food. Unfortunately, he didn't manage.

No, he was not getting out of this easily. Not at all.

*

"Sirius!" exclaimed Minerva McGonagall as she walked to the Entrance Hall and saw the people there. "And Remus! What a surprise to see you here. Didn't you just visit us last week?"

Sirius smirked slightly. "You sound almost if you didn't want us here," he said teasingly. In his mind, he knew that it was all but that. Ever since the end of June, when Lily and James had been murdered and Remus's mind damaged, Sirius had often visited Hogwarts with Remus and, occasionally, Harry. Everybody seemed to be glad to have them around, and even Snape didn't seem to mind too much. However, he couldn't help but be a bit wary. This would be the first time when there were also students around, and he wasn't sure about how they would react to Remus.

"With the tact Remus has, no, not particularly," Minerva snorted, although she did allow a rare smile grace her lips. When they'd first visited Hogwarts, Remus of course not remembering anyone, he'd given them some rather interesting names. The better was, he still stubbornly refused to call Minerva by her real name, instead taking on the nickname he'd given to her.

"Bad lady!" Remus exclaimed in delight. Then he said with a tone that told of his opinion about the importance of his message, "Ziwiuz ill. Poppy make Ziwiuz okay."

Minerva chuckled a little at the name Remus had called her, and the memories it brought up. When she'd firstly seen Remus in his damaged state, she'd taken a sharp breath and muttered, "Shit, they truly did damage him badly." And Remus, indeed having some tact, had called her a "bad lady" because she'd sworn. Now, however, Minerva became worried. "Are you really ill, Sirius?" she asked concernedly.

"I wouldn't know," Sirius said, attempting a weak smile. "I just threw up this morning, and Remus here forced me to come to see Poppy."

Minerva's eyes widened in sudden realization. Obviously she'd come to think of the same possibility as Sirius. "You don't think it is --" she started rather breathlessly.

"I don't know," Sirius sighed. "Merlin, I just don't know. But, it could be." Yes, it indeed could be what he thought. Whenever he and Remus had been together, Sirius had rarely bottomed. However, just the night before Remus left for the mission he'd been captured on, he had on a rare moment of excitement made passionately love to Sirius. Sirius remembered thinking that it had been like he'd feared that it would be their last time together, trying to savour every moment of it.

And, by the looks of it, it very well could be their last time together. Ever the more reason for Sirius to try to remember it as well as he could.

At that statement, Minerva's rare smile turned into an even rarer look of compassion. "I don't know whether I should hope for it or not," she sighed. "But I do wish you luck, Sirius."

Nodding slightly, Sirius replied, "I know that." Then he again forced himself to smile, not wanting to depress his beloved Moony. "Well, we'll just go to see Poppy, then," he said with fake enthusiasm. "I'll be sure to see you after that."

"In fact..." Minerva looked hesitant at the moment, then said, "Could I maybe keep companion to Remus? You know, I'd like to show him around now that students are here." 'And you probably don't want him to be there when you go to see Poppy,' they both heard the unvoiced addition to her words.

"Sure, that's fine with me," replied the dark-haired wizard. He then turned to look at his companion. "What do you think, Remus? Would you like to go with Minerva?"

"Bad lady!" giggled Remus happily. "Wemuz go wiff bad lady!"

Smiling a bit dryly, Minerva came over to rest her hand on the back of the wheelchair, so he could lead it around the school. "We'll be either in the Great Hall, my classroom, or Gryffindor Tower," she said to Sirius. Then, with a bit lower voice, she added, "Take care, Sirius."

"I will," replied Sirius, then turned around to leave. Hope and fear both surged through him as he noticed he became nauseous at the mere thought of Great Hall and all the delicious meals he'd eaten there.

He walked quickly towards the Infirmary, knowing that the sooner he got there, the sooner he could have his doubts confirmed or proven wrong. Thinking about that, he picked up the pace even more.