Wishing Not Wanting

        ~~*~~ Wishing...Not Wanting ~~*~~    

    I looked out the window; smooth wind blew at my face, caressing it. I yawned sleepily, I wanted to go to sleep but I knew he'd be there. I couldn't escape this life. So now I'm living it. If it weren't for me wanting to be doing something right...or at least I thought it was right...if I had just followed my heart instead of going to someone everyone said was better.

    But it was too late now, I know I can't change it...at least that’s what I think...I'm supposed to be happy with this man, live with him and be with him. I can live with him, but I know it's better to have the person you can't live without instead of someone you can. I know this, but I choose this life so I'm living it.

    Then why does everything feel so wrong? Why does it feel like my life’s a lie? Why do I feel like I betrayed myself...I know, why, when, and how I got to here and to this feeling. I don't want to live like this anymore...why won't he come and save me? Why do I have to live without him? You want to know why? Because I was stupid I followed what I had thought was right, because he loved me he understood. Now I'm living with someone I don't love, like marrying my best friend. Yes that’s it, he's my best friend. But does he feel the same. Or is he in love with me?

    If I left him would he understand? Or feel heart broken as I am now? I used to be Virginia Anna Weasley...But now, now I even lost my last name. I lost my heart, my life with someone I love. I don't want to live like this... But I am...I am and you know what? I still remember he's every touch, kiss, scent, and I know I'll never have them again.

    I turn, I go back to the bed...my mate...that’s what I'll call him now...wakes up and smiles at me. He's eyes are still closed. He kisses me; I kiss him back as if her were mine, as if he were him. But it doesn’t feel the same, but I don't think it ever will. I force a smile back off. We pull apart, he opens he's eyes. I know it then, when he petted my red-hair, when he's eyes sparkled. That this man...my 'mate'...loves me. So I won't leave, because maybe one day I'll love him back. I just wish, for another time that he was the one I feel in love with. That he had the gray eyes, had the silky blonde hair that would fall in front of he's eyes.

Plus that smirk...and the smile he’d only shown for me. I know I can wish, but I'll never have. Like my whole life has been, what I want I won't have. No matter how hard I try, because that's who I am...a lying fool. But that’s Virginia Anna Potter for you, and always will be...but I can change it...but I don't want to be selfish...I'm NOT afraid at least I hope not...maybe your right I should follow my heart...but what about Harry? I know he loves me...then he'll feel how I feel...

    So now what? Well the first thing I think I should do is get breakfast then decide...or maybe...I'll think of a very- very good reason to stay. Maybe...I hope to god I will...and now; for now...I'm wishing I never fell in love with Draco Malfoy. But just for now I'm wishing this. Only now...because I know it'll take an eternity to forget someone...but to love another might be faster...Maybe...I wish...maybe for once I'll get something I never wished to have...