Amative Pain

Amative Pain

amative ( 'a-me-tiv´) adj. disposed of for love or passion

Percy´s POV (1^st); June 17, 1994; noon; Percy´s Haven

I can´t believe I´m doing this. I really can´t. This is my place. My haven, my sanctuary. Not a place to share with just anyone.

Even if it´s him.

I quickly glance behind me at the person following a few steps away. What was I supposed to do? I couldn´t very well tell him he couldn´t come with me. Not after he ran across an entire field to catch me. (I purposefully ignore the fact that I´ve told my siblings `no´ time and time again.) And I couldn´t not go entirely. I don´t want to see the hurt look in his eyes because I won´t let him see my haven.

At the same time, I want to scream and yell and make him go far away. Away from my house. Away from my haven.

Away from me.

It´s typical really. I always find myself completely torn when he´s around. I don´t know whether to jump for joy that he´s here; to share my thoughts, my dreams... my love. Or to shove him as far away from me as possible; to insult and sneer... and ask him why he isn´t mine.

I start as Oliver´s voice jerks me from my inner turmoil. "Perce, not to be rude or anything, but how much further is this place?"

I sigh. "Not far."

"That´s what you said fifteen minutes ago."

I sigh again. "That was two minutes ago, Ol." I can practically feel his eyelashes brush against his face as he blinks.

He lets out an irritable groan. "Well it certainly seemed like fifteen minutes ago." There was a short pause. "Why don´t you just apparate?"

My eyebrows scrunch together as I consider Oliver´s question. Along with never inviting people to my spot came the fact that I´d never had to question my motives. I´d honestly never thought about it before. "The walk relaxes me," I replied after a moment of hesitation. "I forget anything stressful in my life so I can concentrate on the more important things."

Another short pause. "Gotcha." The tone of his voice makes me think that he doesn´t, but I decline to comment as we´d just stepped clear of the trees and on to my dock.

I hear Oliver´s intake of breath and turn nervously to see his reaction to my beloved sanctuary. His mouth is hanging open in shock, his eyes wide. He turns to me, his face a mixture of awe and envy. "Shit Perce. It´s beautiful."

I smile at him. "I know." I turn to make my way to the end of the dock and I hear Oliver´s footsteps behind me after a few moments. I arrange myself against the last piling, leaning against it and spreading my long legs out before me. Oliver does the same directly across from me.

I suppose the place is just as calming to Oliver as it is to me, if I´m reading the relaxed look on his face correctly. It´s times likes these that I love; I can stare to my fill. The unguarded-ness of his expression comforts me. I can see with the flicker of emotion in his eyes when his thoughts shift; a soothing process in and of itself.

At times, I wish I knew what he was thinking. Is that smile on his face attached to a memory of me? Maybe he´s remembering me ambling into the common room way after hours, willing to break the rules for an extra moment of study. When he chews on his lip, is he thinking of all the times I helped him study for a potions lab or an arithmacy exam? When that light in his eye shines, is he recalling another Quidditch win, when he runs to me afterwards and lifts me off my feet in his enthusiastic hug?

Or is he seeing a few moments after that, when he and Ce... Ced... his boyfriend embrace?

I can feel my face drop, my eyes over-bright with tears I am unwilling to shed for something not mine. I want to hate them both more than anything; that I could forget they both existed in my life and caused me pain. Ol, because his friendship is bittersweet, him because he has what I want, but will never have. I´m appalled at my cowardice; I can´t even say his name in my thoughts, let alone aloud, and I have the audacity to want to hate him. And I can´t even do that.

Once again, I´m startled from my thoughts by Oliver´s voice. That, and his hand laid on my ankle. "Percy?"

I raise my head to meet the concern in his eyes. Inside I´m laughing bitterly. If he only knew my thoughts, that look would be pity, anger, hurt... anything but concern. Instead I smile sadly. "I´m alright, Ol."

He snorts, his eyes searching, never leaving mine. "Alright, my arse." I look away from his steady gaze, only to make the mistake of looking where his hand was still resting on my leg. He moved it the moment he felt me stiffen.

His noise of frustration barely registers in my mind, but his cross words certainly do. "Damnit Perce, what´s going on? You´ve been acting odd for ages and I want to know what I´ve missed, `cause last time I checked, you and I were fine! Now you´re acting as if you don´t even want me around and I don´t know what to think anymore."

For a moment, the part of me that wants him gone screams out and I think about refusing to answer. He must have sense the latter part, for it wasn´t long before his hand was under my chin forcing me to look at him. A breeze blew across his face, ruffling his hair, and I saw a genuine concern in his eyes that made me want to confess to everything.

He´ll understand, won´t he? Maybe he feels the same way and I just don´t know it...

Before I could remember that he was involved, that I was simply his friend, I blurted out, "I love you." His hand drops from my face as if I burned and he stares at me, blinking once. Twice.

Three times.

"What?" His voice is barely above a whisper, the shock clearly evident, but I hear him all the same.

I repeat myself, my hands folded in my lap to keep them from trembling. I force myself to meet his eyes, though it´s a near thing. There´s no pity, no anger... just sadness. Before he´s said anything I know my choice was wrong.

He runs a hand through his hair. "Percy, I... I´m... oh shit. I don´t know what to say. I love you too, I really do, but--"

I cut him off. "S´okay, Ol. I just wanted you to know. I already know what you´re going to say," I laugh slightly, trying to lighten the mood but failing horribly, "and you don´t have to say it, please. I already know it`s a different type of love." I move to get up. "I really must be--"

"No! Percy wait!" I look at him, my glasses effectively hiding the pain in my eyes. He looks at me pleadingly, trying to make me understand something which I have no desire to hear from him. "Cedric, Percy! Two years! I... I can´t leave him after two years!"

I smile sadly, covering up the scowl which threatened to emerge with that name. "Really, Ol, it´s okay. Just... just drop it, okay?"

He wouldn´t. "Percy..."

"Oliver, drop it. I don´t want to talk about it anymore."

"But--" Why wouldn´t he take a hint?

I take off my glasses and grind my palms into my eyes. "Go Oliver. Just leave. Now. Please."

He stares at me a moment before standing. He sighs softly before whispering, "You´re still my best friend, Perce." He apparated without another word.

I don´t cry. I won´t let myself. But for once my emotions escape me. A tear makes it´s way down my face, my whispered words following in it´s track.

"I wish I weren´t."

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Cedric POV (3^rd); July 3, 1994; 2:30 pm; Florean Fortescue´s Ice Cream Parlor- Diagon Alley

Cedric whistled, hands in his pockets, as he approached Florean´s Ice Cream Parlor. He was to meet Oliver there and nothing could ruin his good mood, as it was the first time they´d be together since school let out. That is, nothing could have ruined his good mood until he saw Oliver.

He was a wreck, to put it simply.

Dark circles colored the areas under his eyes and the short stubble on his face betrayed the fact that he hadn´t slept or shaved for a few days. His hair was clean, but clearly unbrushed and sticking out every which way. The expression on his face was lost and it was all Cedric could do not to run over and demand who had done this to him. A quick glance over to the counter saw Florean Fortescue´s worried eyes meeting Cedric´s and giving him a slight nod.

Slowly, so as not to startle him, Cedric settled into the seat across from his boyfriend. Oliver´s head jerked up when Cedric gently laid his hand in his. "Oli?"

Oliver smiled slightly. "Hey love. How goes it?"

Cedric managed to hold back a snort, instead raising an eyebrow. "I could as the same of you." Oliver made a face.

"I look a fright, don´t I?" It was even a question really.

The soon-to-be Hogwarts sixth year smiled. "To say the least." He ignored his boyfriend´s noise of protest, turning serious once more. "But really Oli, what´s wrong?"

Oliver sighed and looked away to gather his thoughts. Cedric, meanwhile, was slightly alarmed. Rarely ever was his boyfriend this quiet or did he take the time to really think what he was going to say. Whatever was going on, it was important to him.

"Percy.." Oliver finally started, as Cedric froze. "He... he told me that he loves me." He looked up to see Cedric´s reaction. Surprisingly, he saw acceptance. Sadness and anger, yes, but mainly acceptance. "Ced?"

Cedric sighed. So it had happened at last. "Do you remember how shocked I was when you first asked me to Hogsmeade with you?"

Oliver frowned at this abrupt chance of subject, but decided to humor him. "Yeah. I thought it was because I was two years older than you."

Cedric shook his head. "That may have been a small part of it, but only that. Mainly it was because I thought you were with Percy."

Oliver blinked, obviously confused. "You... you thought I was with Percy."

Cedric nodded. "I knew it was only a matter of time before one of you would admit it to yourselves." He shook his head sadly. Theirs was a bond no one could keep apart once it was determined to be formed and Cedric wasn´t cruel enough to try.

"´Admit it`? What are you talking about?"

Again, Cedric seemingly changed the subject. "Why do you think you´re having such a hard time accepting what Percy´s told you? Usually you would shrug it off after assuring the person it was not a big deal and nothing would change. Lord knows it happens a lot."

Oliver looked away. "I... I don´t know."

"You do know, Oliver."

"I don´t."

You do."

"I... I..." There was a muffled sigh, before Oliver whispered as if it pained him, "I can´t choose between you."

Cedric´s eyes softened. "You can, Oli. You can and you must." He took a deep breath. "He needs you."

The older boy´s head snapped up. "But what about you?"

Cedric´s breath caught with those words, though he hid it well. He´d known this day would come from the beginning, but he´d always hoped that just maybe Oliver might choose him. He knew it was a slim chance, for everyone that knew Oliver knew that Percy was his world, and no matter how much he thought he was prepared, it still hurt. He managed a shaky smile nonetheless. "I´ll live Oli. Might even try to catch myself that Ravenclaw seeker."

Oliver sighed, "I never meant for this to happen, you know."

"Of course you did." Cedric grinned and bent over the table to kiss Oliver on the cheek. "Keep in touch, love." He started to walk away, before turning back. He grin had turned sly. "And you better not keep Percy waiting long." He turned around once again.

Cedric whistled, hands in his pockets, as he walked away from Florean´s Ice Cream Parlor, away from Oliver Wood. He could feel Oliver´s eyes on his back, but he didn´t once turn around. His emotions would surely get the best of him once he got home, but for now... For now he kept his head held high.

_____________________

Oliver´s POV (1^st); July 6, 1994; 5:00 pm; Oliver´s flat, The Burrow, & Percy´s Haven

I try to smile at myself in the mirror, but it comes out more like a grimace. When have I ever been this nervous? Never, that´s when. I take a deep breath to try and calm myself.

"Come on, Wood. You have to do this. Percy´s hurt and that needs to stop now." I cringe mentally at the reminder that he was hurting because of me.

If I could, I´d beat myself up.

A quick glance at my determined reflection made me glad of my decision to lie low for a few days to shape up. Cedric´s reaction was more than enough to let me know how Percy would take it and any pain spared for Percy was good.

Cedric. I can´t stop myself from sighing. He gave me so much in our two years together and I can´t help but think that I betrayed him. But he knows, and I know, that it has to be this way. Shit, he knew it long before I did. I´ll never be able to repay him.

The thought of what my former boyfriend (I refuse to degrade Cedric´s compassion by the term `ex´.) did for me, for Percy, clings as I apparate to the Burrow.

Before I can raise my hand to knock on the door, it opens to reveal the twins. Something about the look on their faces makes me wary, but when they come outside and, one on either side, drag me to the backyard, I allow it. They push me down onto the picnic table and I look up at them, Fred´s arms akimbo, George´s folded across his chest. (Fred always stands on the left. I don´t know why, but I assume it´s just a `thing´ they have.)

I take a deep breath. "Guys, do you know where Percy is? I really need to talk to him."

George raises his eyebrows. "I´ll bet you do."

Fred raises his as well, saying oh-so-casually, "Say, Oliver, where´ve you been lately? I haven´t seen you here in about, oh... three weeks, maybe?" Without waiting for my answer, he turns to his twin, "Ya know George, that´s about the same time Percy started acting all weird, isn´t it."

George´s eyes lock with mine. "Yes, Fred, it is." An audible gulp escapes my mouth.

I try to get up again. "Um... I really need to talk to him, so I´ll be going." I make my way to the back door only to hear one of the twins say, "You won´t find him in there. He´s gone off in to the woods again."

I stop walking and answer over my shoulder. "Thanks." I make to apparate, but Fred´s voice stops me.

"Don´t you dare hurt him again, Wood." I turn around to face him. That glint was back in eyes. "We can´t let you go if you´re just going to hurt him even more."

I bite my lip for a moment before deciding that they were for real. "I´ll never hurt him again as long as I live. I swear it."

A twin pair of eyes study me silently for a moment before letting up. George walks up to me and knocks on my head with a half-grin. "Knock on Wood."

I smile at him. "Of course." Another moment later Oliver was gone, having apparated to wherever Percy was.

George turned to grin at Fred. "I *told* you he knew where Percy goes."

* * * Finis * * *