A Simple Reunion

A Simple Reunion

Remus trudged his way up the circuitous gravel road toward his house. The road wound steeply up the forested mountainside, crawling toward a cozy brick cottage nestled in a tree-less alcove. The only garden there was to speak of, a square patch of ground near the door, boasted a myriad collection of wolfsbane and other herbs competing for dominance with alien weeds. Night had begun to fall as the last traces of light filtered through the blanket of dusk.

Lupin sighed. The events of the previous night had left him with an onerous burden of dread. He shuddered to think what could have happened had Sirius not been able to stop him. The transformation had been horrible--the first time in years that Remus had not taken the Wolfsbane Potion. And what was worse, his carelessness had let Wormtail escape. Nonetheless, Remus felt a flutter in his stomach when he thought about Sirius. He had been delighted to discover that Sirius was innocent. When Sirius was convicted twelve years ago, Remus had wept for weeks, mourning the loss of not only Lily and James but also the Sirius he knew--or thought he knew. Sirius, the friend and lover he had come to depend upon. Remus had been devastated, finding Sirius's conviction hard to swallow. His mind condemned Sirius for his betrayal, but his heart stubbornly refused to find fault with his beloved.

Sighing, he rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a heavy, rusty key. Coaxing the lock to turn, Remus heaved open the door and entered his home. Everything seemed to be just as he had left it, except for the thick layer of dust that had accumulated during his ten-month absence. The tiled landing split into a welcoming sitting room on the right and a small kitchen through a door on the left. A winding staircase led up to two bedrooms and a bath. Everything from the floor to the ceiling was painted in muted earth colors, a scheme that Remus found soothing.

As tired as he was, Remus decided to make himself some chamomile tea. After unpacking and showering, he sunk into his favorite chair in the sitting room, his hands curled around a cup of tempting, gold liquid. He sniffed it eagerly. But no sooner had he lifted the cup to his lips--

CRASH!

Startled, Remus abandoned the tea and ran to the door. Throwing it open, he witnessed a sight that immediately converted his shock to elated happiness. Sirius was dismounting a thoroughly vexed-looking Buckbeak. The tree they had nearly uprooted lay next to the hippogriff's paws.

Remus chuckled, but sobered quickly when Sirius turned around to face him. Lupin inspected his friend closely. The darkness of the Shrieking Shack had mitigated the changes in Sirius's appearance, but in the fading light Remus could clearly see the gauntness of the face, the ragged state of the clothes, the matted clump of the hair. It was a very different image from the one Remus remembered--the confident Sirius that radiated an aura of casual beauty and striking luster. The only remnant of the old Sirius seemed to be the pale gray eyes that Remus had more than once lost himself in.

"Remus," Sirius croaked, his voice swimming with fatigue and emotion. He staggered toward Remus, who stood glued to the spot. "Moony," he said again. Remus gasped in surprise. How long had it been since he had heard Sirius call him that?

Sirius, now standing less than two feet away from Remus, smiled sadly down at his friend. Remus lost track of time as they stood there, staring into each other's eyes, feeling the thirst of twelve loveless years all at once. Then, before he realized what was happening, Sirius had pulled him into a desperate embrace, face pressed into the side of his neck.

Remus was too stunned to move. The familiar scent of his friend stirred his memories, his heart. Gradually he wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist, breathing into his friend's collar.

Sirius was home.

Sirius smiled to himself, his face hidden in Remus's soft hair. He was leaning against his friend for more than just comfort now--Sirius lacked the strength to straighten himself. Without warning, his knees suddenly buckled, and he fell onto his friend. Remus staggered back under the sudden weight.

"Sirius? Sirius! What's wrong?" Remus's voice was laced with concern.

It took all the strength Sirius had to look up at his friend. His vision spun and a swift nausea was threatening to engulf him.

"Are you all right, Sirius?"

"Fine," Sirius managed to mutter. "Just a little tired. I haven't slept since I left Hogwarts yesterday."

"Sirius, you're a mess. Come on inside. You need rest."

Remus half-dragged him into the house. Sitting Sirius down on a couch, Remus pressed the untouched tea into his hands before leaving to tie up Buckbeak. When he returned five minutes later, Sirius was already hovering between sleep and consciousness, the lack of sleep finally catching up with him. Just before he drifted off, he heard Remus's tired chuckle and felt someone take the cup of tea dangling haphazardly from his hand. Sirius didn't know if it was because of his severe fatigue or the presence of Remus beside him, but for the first time in a long series of nights, his sleep was peacefully dreamless.

* * *

Sirius stirred, grunting in his sleep. Remus watched his friend, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"Padfoot," he whispered.

Sirius abruptly jumped into a sitting position, alert and wary. He blinked his eyes groggily. He seemed confused before he realized where he was. Looking over to where Remus was curled up on the other end of the sofa, he smiled the first true smile Remus had seen on his face in twelve years.

"You're awake...finally." Remus put away the book he had been reading, a large, leather-bound copy entitled Potion Making for Morons. "I was starting to think you had died."

Sirius barked out a laugh, pushing aside the blanket that Remus had covered him with. But then his face was suddenly serious and he looked almost pleadingly into his friend's eyes. "Moony, listen. I--I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For--everything. For switching with Peter. For suspecting that you were the spy. For playing that joke on Snape at your expense. For--" Sirius's voice cracked. He swallowed audibly before continuing. "For hurting you. For not being able to give you what you needed--"

Remus raised a hand to cut him off. Lupin could see the tears swimming under the surface of his friend's eyes, and he didn't think he'd be able to bear seeing his Sirius cry.

"Padfoot, you don't need to apologize. It's not your fault... not entirely. If anything, I should be the one saying sorry."

"What d'you--?"

"I believed you were a traitor for twelve years." Remus shook his head lightly. He looked up at his friend, grimacing in a joking manner. "Look at us. Sacrificing our masculinity by having a sensitive moment. Like a couple of school girls."

Sirius's mouth curled in a smirk, but it passed quickly. Sliding towards his friend, he grasped Remus's shoulders and gazed deeply into the man's eyes. "Moony, please. I need to know. I need to know that you forgive me." He hesitated before adding, "You're all I have left."

"I--I forgave you a long time ago, Sirius. I told you so in the Shrieking Shack." Sirius didn't look convinced. "Believe me, Padfoot. I've forgiven you." Sirius finally relaxed visibly, releasing Remus's shoulders.

"Have--have you forgiven me?" Remus asked.

Sirius scrunched up his face comically, pretending to think hard. "Well...I suppose I could possibly consider it," he drawled, earning himself a sharp slap across his arm.

"Bad dog," Remus said, laughing. "Oh, come on. Are you pouting, Padfoot?" He playfully threw his arms over his friend, but immediately pulled back, scowling. "Ugh! First things first. You need a shower, Sirius. Seriously."

"But I'm bloody tired," Sirius whined. He quirked his eyebrow suggestively at his friend. "Fancy giving me a sponge bath?"

"Uh...no."

"Not even if I turn into Padfoot?"

"No."

"Aw, Moony!"

Remus couldn't hold in his laughter any longer. The pathetically affronted look on Sirius's face just made him laugh harder.

Yes, it was definitely good to have Sirius home.

A loud, clamorous melody floated above the pitter-patter of a running shower, the sounds soaring out of the bathroom.

"Sirius, shut up! I'm getting a head ache!" Remus called from his place on the large bed. He sat leaning against the headboard, his nose pressed in a book, but he had given up trying to read a long time ago.

"I'm serious, Padfoot! SHUT UP!"

In response, Sirius sang louder, lifting his voice into an obnoxiously high tone for his baritone voice.

"BERK!" Remus yelled.

The sound of laughter punctuated the tune. Remus couldn't help but chuckle as well. Sighing, he closed the book and turned over on the bed to inspect the pictures on his bedside table. At least ten frames stood on the cherry wood table, housing a motley assortment of photos. There were pictures of his parents, of course, but most of the photos consisted of the Marauders, sometimes with the addition of Lily. The photos had been taken during or right after Hogwarts, before Voldemort's reign had torn them all apart.

Remus smiled as his eyes rested on his favorite picture, a photo taken at the Marauders' graduation. Summer was budding and the Hogwarts grounds oozed an orgy of bright colors. James and Lily stood holding hands and laughing, sometimes waving up at him. Sirius grasped James's shoulder with one hand in a brotherly fashion. His other arm was entwined around Remus's waist. Remus watched his picture self. He could see the paleness in his complexion; the full moon had encroached upon him a mere two days before graduation. Still, picture-Remus laughed along with the others, clearly full of merriment. Every once in a while, Sirius would lean over and place a soft kiss on his cheek. Peter was altogether missing from the picture. Perhaps he had taken it. Remus couldn't recall the details precisely. All he cared about was watching Sirius.

"I remember that picture," said Sirius's voice behind him, making him jump. Remus turned to find a wet and dripping Sirius standing beside the bed with nothing except a towel wrapped around his waist.

Remus stared. He knew Sirius had lost a lot of weight in Azkaban, but he hadn't realized just how much. He could see the bulges where healthy muscles had once lived. Still, after washing away a decade's accumulation of filth and beard, a glimmer of Sirius's good looks was starting to shine through. His hair was no longer matted but fell softly into his eyes. The candlelight played on his tanned skin. He had shaved his beard, making him look years younger.

The sight of his friend's naked torso made Remus flush. He turned back to the photos to hide his reddening face.

"I can't believe you kept those pictures," said Sirius, drying off his hair with another towel.

"Why?"

"I would have thought you would've destroyed any pictures of me." Sirius's voice was not accusatory, but rather sad.

Remus was taken aback. "I--I couldn't. I admit I did put them away for a few years. But that was more because I couldn't look at James and Lily than because of you. There was always some part of me that refused to believe you were a traitor."

The bed creaked under Sirius's weight as he sat down next to his friend, encircling his arm around Remus's waist. Remus, suppressing a shudder, leaned against the warm body of his once lover.

"How long will you be staying?" Remus asked quietly.

"How long can I stay? I don't want to mooch off of you."

Remus snorted. "You've never cared about that before."

"Yes, but we were--it was--different--then."

Remus sighed at his friend's refusal to use the word lovers. "Do you remember why we broke up?"

Sirius was silent for a moment, apparently contemplating his answer. "Well, the first time it was because I--in a moment of supreme idiocy--decided to play that little joke on Snivelly. The second time, I'm not quite sure. Some fight. I've forgotten what started it or what it was about, but I remember that we had our most heated arguments during that time....Whatever it was, I'm sorry."

"Me too." Remus breathed in his friend's scent, closing his eyes. "You can stay as long as you want."

"Mmm...then can I move in?"

Remus laughed, resting his head against the warm flesh of Sirius's shoulder.

"Dumbledore told me to stay here for a week or so. He reckons it's dangerous to stay longer," said Sirius. "Is that okay, Remus?"

"Uh-huh."

The two of them sat together in a pregnant silence, lost in their own nostalgic reveries.

After what felt like an hour, Sirius broke the silence. "So, do I get something to wear or am I donning my birthday suit permanently tonight?" He looked pointedly down at the towel that hid his shame.

"Oh! Right. Sorry about that, Padfoot." Remus broke away from their embrace and walked over to the large armoire. He could feel Sirius's eyes on his back as he rummaged through the stacks of clothes looking for a decently large pair of pajamas. Sirius was quite a bit taller than him. Spotting some, he pulled out a red plaid pair of pajama pants and a matching shirt. He threw the clothes to Sirius, who caught them swiftly.

"These were always big for me," said Remus.

Sirius examined the pants closely. He looked up with a smile. "That's because these pajamas are mine, you idiot. I can't believe you still have them."

"Yours? Are you sure?"

"I lost these nearly fifteen years ago. They were my favorite pair, too."

"How do you remember something like that?"

Sirius got up and walked toward him, stopping a mere foot away. "Because, Moony." Sirius took a step forward, and Remus involuntarily inched back. "Because it was--our first time." Remus could feel the blush crawling up his neck. Sirius again moved toward him, and Remus stepped back with a dull thud onto the wall. "Do you wear these?"

"Uh...sometimes."

Sirius placed his hand on the wall next to his friend's head and leant towards him. They could feel each other's breath on their faces. "Do you remember, Moony?"

"I--er--I--" Remus knew he was blushing profusely now. Sirius smirked and closed the gap between them.

"It was my birthday, and you suggested a sleep over. You told me you had a present for me at your place. I didn't even begin to suspect what you had in mind."

The memory made Remus blush harder.

"I guess I should've known when I found out James and Peter weren't staying over as well." Sirius's smirk widened. He was so close now that their noses were almost touching. Remus's heart was pounding a jungle rhythm into his ribcage.

Sirius leaned in.

Sirius leaned in.

Before he knew what he was doing, Remus placed a hand on his friend's chest to hold him off. The sudden touch seemed to shake Sirius out of the trance. He straightened himself and backed away, flushing and looking horrified.

An awkward silence rang in the air around them. Sirius was watching his friend with a mixture of alarm and trepidation. Remus looked away, unable to gaze into those eyes any longer. They were both breathing heavily, as if they had just sprinted a race.

"Remus, I..." Sirius trailed off, apparently unsure how to phrase his explanation. "I didn't mean--"

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry." The pain in Sirius's voice made Remus look up.

He hitched a smile into place. "It's okay, Padfoot. It was just a little--too soon, that's all." He cleared his throat, looking around as if expecting the furniture to supply him with the change of topic he desperately needed. But help wasn't far off.

Sirius's stomach growled loudly, making them both laugh nervously. A sheepish grin overtook Sirius's face. "Sorry about that, mate. I haven't eaten since I left Hogwarts either."

Remus smiled. "I made dinner. Once you're changed, we can eat."

"What, you made dinner already?"

"Of course. You were in the shower for nearly two hours. I unpacked and made dinner and fed Buckbeak."

"By the way, I wanted to ask," said Sirius as Remus made his way to the door. "That soap you gave me worked miracles. What was it exactly?"

Remus smirked. "It's a special brand of soap made for really tough cleaning. I keep it because it works wonders on stains and odors, but it's really meant for ogres and hags." His grin widened. "That must be why it worked so well on you." Laughing, he descended the stairs, leaving a slightly disgruntled Sirius behind.

* * *

Sirius watched Remus disappeared down the stairs. A growing feeling of dread was twisting in his stomach. He was furious at himself for making Moony so uncomfortable.

What the hell had he been thinking, pulling a stunt like that? The answer was, of course, that he hadn't been thinking at all. He had been so caught up in the moment that he had failed to see the repercussions of his actions.

He walked into the bathroom and started to get dressed. Giving himself a hard look in the mirror above the rickety sink, he scolded himself. "You idiot," he said out loud, "you just ruined everything. Like usual." He suddenly had a strong urge to bang his head into the wall behind him, but he resisted. Instead, he pulled on the red pajama pants and buttoned down the shirt. Striding back into the room, he threw a glance at the photos on the nightstand and sighed. He sat on the bed and watched the graduation picture with an indescribable sadness swelling inside him.

"Oh, Moony," he said, addressing the tiny Remus in the picture. "I wish we could go back to that time and forget the last thirteen years ever happened." Picture-Remus just laughed and turned to picture-Sirius, kissing him chastely.

The real Sirius watched, caught up in his nostalgia. Their graduation had been a time of merriment, a time when they could forget the war outside Hogwarts and focus on their friendship and love for each other. It was during the last term of their sixth year that Sirius had told Snape to go down to the Whomping Willow on full moon night. Sirius and Remus had been going out since the first term of that year, but the fight that ensued had left their relationship in shambles. Still, they had managed to put it behind them by the time their final year started. Their love had only continued to strengthen with time. That was why it had come as such a surprise to everyone when they broke off their relationship for good.

Remus had told him that he couldn't remember why they had finally broken up, and Sirius had agreed. But the truth was, Sirius knew exactly what had brought about the rift in their relationship. James's marriage to Lily had brought up the question of a lifetime commitment in his relationship with Remus. But Remus's unwillingness to tell his family coupled with Sirius's reluctance to commit had resulted in numerous fights and arguments. Remus started avoiding him and suddenly turned sullen and moody. He had refused to talk to Sirius for months. It was at that time that the Order started to suspect the duplicity of one of their members. Sirius, because of the abrupt change in Remus's disposition, had believed him to be the traitor.

How Sirius regretted jumping to that conclusion now! His uncertainty and stubbornness had led him to lose the love of his life. And now I had to go and give Remus another reason to avoid me, he thought bitterly.

Sirius didn't even realize he was crying until he felt a tear run down his cheek. He wiped it away and rubbed his eyes.

"Padfoot!" Remus's voice bellowed from the kitchen. "If you don't get down here, I'm going to start eating without you."

"Coming!"

Sirius checked his face in the bathroom for traces of tears, forced a smile on his lips, and descended the stairs.

* * *

Remus tapped his foot impatiently as he sat at the small table, waiting for Sirius. He heard the muffled sounds of footsteps hitting the plush carpet of the stairs and watched as Sirius emerged from the landing, clad in his red plaid pajamas. The sight almost brought a smile to his lips, but he caught himself just in time and hitched a scowl onto his face.

"What took you so long? Did you forget how to dress properly or something?"

Sirius just gave him a smile in return and sat down beside him to dine. "Wow, Remus," he said, addressing the bowls of food as much as his friend. "This looks amazing."

"So what are you waiting for? Tuck in!"

"Don't mind if I do, mate."

Remus watched Sirius eat and realized with a jolt of pain just how few real meals he must have had--both in Azkaban and on the run.

"This is bloody good food," said Sirius, swallowing a mouthful of fried rice. "You've finally learned to cook, Rem."

Remus scrutinized his friend closely. For all Sirius's pretense of joy, Remus could detect a new gloom etched in those chiseled features. It worried him. He'd always hated Sirius's tendency to bury all of his pain within himself.

"Sirius, are you all right?"

Sirius snapped his head up, looking slightly alarmed at the question. "Yeah, yeah...I'm fine." The statement would have been more convincing if it hadn't been interpolated by a hastily concealed sob.

Remus wanted to rush over and sweep Padfoot up in his arms, but he opted for placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder instead.

"It's okay, Padfoot...Let's say we forget it ever happened." They both knew what he was referring to. He tried to smile through the wave of grief threatening to overpower him. "I hate seeing you like this, mate."

"I'm sorry. I just--I didn't know what I was doing. I got caught up."

"We both did, Siri. It's okay. The world isn't coming to an end just because you slipped up." Sirius nodded to his plate. "And look at me, will you?" Remus added, somewhat snappishly. "You're going to burn a hole through my china if you keep staring at it like that."

Sirius finally turned to him, his eyes reflecting the pain he felt. Remus slipped an arm around his shoulder and drew him close. Sirius leaned into the embrace.

"You know, Padfoot," he said after a moment of quiet, "you've really matured." Sirius lifted his head off Remus's shoulder with an expression of confusion. "The old Sirius would've hesitated to say sorry to anyone. But you haven't stopped apologizing since you got here." Remus chuckled and slid his hands through his friend's ebony hair. Before he could stop himself, he turned and planted a soft kiss on the top of Sirius's head.

The two of them stayed in entangled in each other's arms until Remus's stomach complained loudly, breaking their stupor. They ate the rest of the meal in silence, Remus pausing every once in a while to pat Sirius on the shoulder comfortingly.

After washing the dishes ("Scourgify!") and putting them away ("Wingardium leviosa!"), Sirius and Remus made their way to their respective beds, arms looped together.

* * *

Remus woke with a start. It seemed like only a minute ago that he had managed to drift to sleep. He looked blearily at his clock. 2:30 A.M. shone in luminous red letters.

A strangled shout from the other room made him bolt straight up.

It was Sirius.

Remus swung his legs over the side of the bed and all but ran to the guest bedroom. The waning moon shone through the small window, illuminating the bed on the opposite wall.

Sirius was crying out in his sleep, writhing and tangling himself further in the sheets. Remus rushed over and knelt on the bed.

"Sirius! Sirius! Padfoot!" He shook his struggling friend. "Wake up!" Sirius was drenched in cold sweat, his face twisted in a mixture of fright and pain. "PADFOOT!"

Sirius opened his eyes with a jolt, as if a shock had passed through his body. Panting, he struggled to push himself into a sitting position. He was shaking uncontrollably. Remus immediately gathered his friend into his arms and held him, cooing soothing noises.

"The...the Dementors," gasped Sirius. "Dementors and then...Harry. Everything went dark...and...oh, Moony!" Sirius hugged his friend around the waist, leaning his head against Remus's chest. Remus stroked his hair lovingly.

"It was just a dream, Sirius. Nothing to worry about." Remus rocked his friend back and forth, whispering comforting assurances all the while. Sirius gradually relaxed, his breathing slowing. His shirt was saturated with sweat, so Remus quietly unbuttoned it, vaguely registering somewhere in the back of his mind just how awkward the situation was. Sirius shrugged off the soaked piece of cloth; Remus silently thanked the darkness that eclipsed his burning face.

Sirius buried his face further in Remus's chest.

"I--I've been so alone, Remus," he murmured.

Remus was slightly taken aback at the open admission, but recovered quickly. "Don't worry, Padfoot. I'm here, aren't I? You don't have to be alone any more."

"I missed you, Moony. Oh, God how I missed you."

Remus lifted Sirius's chin up with a finger and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I missed you, too, Padfoot." He grinned shyly. "More than you can possibly imagine."

* * *

Sirius cracked an eye open, watching his sleeping friend. Remus's breathing was deep and even, and Sirius could feel his heartbeat as he lay on his chest. His arms were still wrapped around Sirius.

Padfoot smiled, reaching up to fondle the chestnut hair that hung over Remus's eyes. The events of the past few hours kept playing over and over in his mind.

He pulled the duvet over the sleeping form and snuggled close. The warmth that radiated from his friend made him tingle with glee. Throwing an arm around Remus, Sirius placed his lips briefly over his friend's, relishing in the smell and taste that he had missed for so long.

Sirius was surprised to feel to the hot tears on his cheeks as he settled back onto his pillow. He wiped them away quickly, trying to stifle a sniff. Closing his eyes, Sirius waited patiently for sleep to overcome him.

By the time Remus woke, the sun was high in the sky. Light spilled in through the window, filling the small room with a healthy glow. He blinked his sleep-filled eyes and froze when he realized where he was.

He wracked his brain, desperate for an explanation.

He had helped Sirius...and had fallen asleep. But then how did he get under the covers? And why was--

Remus took a sharp intake of breath as a shiver skimmed up and down his spine. It was then that the details of his position sunk in. His left hand was interlaced with Sirius's. His shirt had ridden up, and Sirius's other hand was exploring the exposed skin. His friend's leg was thrown over his, the knee massaging his inner thigh. He was painfully aware of Sirius's shirtless skin pressing against his side.

He suppressed a shock of pleasure as Sirius's hand slid under his shirt, tracing his chest muscles. The knee that was pressed against his thigh moved up, applying pressure to an area Remus didn't want stimulated.

"Mmm," Sirius moaned into his ear. "Mmm...Moony."

Sirius licked his ear and sucked it into his mouth to nibble on it. Remus felt himself tremor involuntarily.

"S--Sirius?" he gasped. "What're you--ah--d--don't." Remus bit his lip in vexation, trying to stop himself from quivering at the touch. He could feel himself hardening at the attentions Sirius--sleeping or otherwise--was subjecting on him. Padfoot's hand slithered up his torso, eliciting a whimper.

He felt something hot and sticky on the side of his face. Sirius's mouth had moved from his ear and was now licking and gnawing at his cheek. Remus became aware of a rhythm of pressure building up between his thighs. He gripped the sheets under him with his free hand as he lifted his hip, biting back a moan of delight.

"Pad--ah--mmm--Paaadfoooooot!"

If Sirius didn't stop soon, Remus was sure he would lose all control he had over his body. Restraint was already slipping from him with each passing second.

He tried to turn away from Sirius's exploring mouth, which was creeping too close to his own. Sirius rubbed his fingers back and forth over his nipple; shivers of passion undulated through his body, causing Remus to comply as he struggled to stifle them. Another moan escaped him when Sirius's lips covered his own, surveying the once-familiar territory. Sirius's tongue lapped hungrily at his lips and Remus found himself responding eagerly, caught up in the passion and the lust.

Remus was torn between getting up off the bed to save himself from Sirius's early morning sleep walking (or sleep snogging in this case)--and giving in to his blazing desires and just shagging the great git. It was a tough call, and Sirius's sensual massages really weren't helping matters. Remus was greatly tempted to simply lie there and submit to the pull of sin. But as usual, logic eventually kicked in.

With great difficulty--more mental than physical--he tore himself away from Sirius's kiss. Remus got up, wriggling out of his friend's embrace, and staggered to the bathroom. His legs felt like they were made of jelly. He had to keep a hand on the wall to steady himself.

* * *

Sirius turned over onto his stomach, smiling slyly into his pillow. That had been quite an interesting experience. It had been such an exhilarating feeling to hear Remus's moans of pleasure. Remus was always such a controlled and restrained person. Thus Sirius had constantly taken great satisfaction in being able to arouse him to the point of doing something so base and primal as whining in lust.

He wondered vaguely whether he could have been dreaming.

It scared him that he had had the gall to do what he had done. But at the same time, he couldn't help but remember what Remus had told him the previous night--

"I missed you, too, Padfoot...More than you can possible imagine."

The want and pain in Remus's voice had convinced Sirius that--at the least--he had to try.

Sirius grinned and pulled up the covers over his head.

This was turning out to be quite the reunion.

* * *

Remus stopped at the threshold of the bathroom to shake himself. He touched his lips--they were still wet where Sirius's tongue had examined them. Closing his eyes, he savored the taste of his lover on his mouth.

When he realized what he was doing, he shook his head vigorously, as if expecting the merely physical action to cleanse his emotions.

Gods! What was I doing?

He started to strip off his clothes with the intent of taking a shower, but stopped. His clothes, his skin, his hair--they all were saturated with Sirius's smell--an aroma that made him slightly lightheaded and inexplicably giddy. Remus couldn't bear to wash the scent off. He stood still, basking in the fragrance of his lover.

It was then that the realization struck him.

I still love him...I always have.

Of course, Remus had always been attracted toward Sirius, and in the last twelve years had dreamt about him daily. But he had dismissed those stirrings in his heart for friendly affection and maybe even physical desire. He hadn't even begun to consider the possibility that he loved him. Or he hadn't wanted to. Either way, the epiphany surprised him.

Oh, God. I love him--I, Remus J. Lupin, am in love with Sirius Black.

Remus smiled as he remembered how he had come to the very same realization nearly twenty years ago.

But what now?

Sirius didn't feel the same way--Remus was sure of it. There was a part of him that wanted to believe that Sirius loved him back, that everything would be the same again.

No! He couldn't stand to be hurt again...especially not by his Padfoot. Tears burned his eyes as Remus remembered how Sirius had asked him to break off their relationship.

With a cry of frustration, Remus slammed his fist into the wall--and regretted it immediately as a jolt of pain shook him. He silently scolded himself for letting his wolfish temper possess him. The full moon had only occurred two nights ago. He was still not completely free from the influence of the wolf inside him.

I need to get some air.

Remus strode unsteadily out of the bathroom and down the stairway, making his way to the door. Throwing it open, he breathed in the late-morning breeze and felt his heart calm instantly. He let himself drop down on the steps that led up to the door, relaxing his muscles. However, his mind continued to race frantically. Thoughts, fears, dreams, regrets, hopes--his emotions frantically chased each other around in dizzying circles.

He sighed deeply. This little sleepover was fast becoming a lot more than he had bargained for.

Eggs crackled on the stove, emitting the enticing aromas that lured Sirius out of bed and down the stairs. Remus stood with his wand out like a conductor holding a baton, directing various kitchen equipment. Bacon fizzled and a knife buttered toast of its own accord. Meanwhile a broom and a feather duster cleaned the house of a year's accumulation of dust.

Sirius watched the scene before him with a smile pulling at his lips. He hadn't felt this happy in thirteen years. True, he was on the run from the Ministry and nearly all of the wizarding world believed him a traitor. But he couldn't help but smile when he thought of his little morning adventure. He felt guilty to have subjected his desires on his friend, but after all, Remus hadn't pushed him away in repulsion. Rather, Remus had almost responded, and that filled Sirius with a hope he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Morning, Remus," he said, trying to suppress a yawn and failing miserably.

Remus glanced at him nonchalantly, smiling. "Good morning, Padfoot." He returned his attention to the eggs, directing them to flip over with a flick of his wand.

So you want to pretend it never happened? No problem.

Sirius yawned again, scratching his head and stretching extravagantly. Walking to stand beside his friend, he casually weaved his hands around his friend's waist and felt Remus gasp and tense at the touch. Taking that as a go-ahead, Sirius placed his chin on Remus's shoulder, breathing in his friend's scent deeply.

"Have a good sleep, mate?" He fought the smirk off his face as Remus twitched involuntarily.

"It was...fine." Remus was obviously trying to hide his agitation. Sirius, on the other hand, was trying to hide his giddy laughter. "You?"

"Amazing! I haven't slept that well in years."

"Nice to hear."

"Isn't it?" Sirius beamed widely. He had forgotten just how fun bantering with Remus was.

Shaking his head good naturedly, Remus broke away from their awkward embrace and slammed two plates of eggs, bacon, and toast down on the table. He flopped down on a chair. Sirius joined him.

"So, Remus, mate. Anything fun planned for today?"

Remus looked at him incredulously. "Fun? I thought you'd want to rest. And don't forget, you are in hiding."

"Fine...I'm just trying to put a happy face on it."

Laughing, Remus shook his head. "You never change, do you?"

Sirius started eagerly on his brunch, but after several bites he found himself staring open-mouthed at Remus, all hunger forgotten. Remus's chestnut hair fell softly into his eyes. His Adam's apple rose and fell with each swallow. The pajama shirt he still wore was unbuttoned down to the middle of his chest. Sirius could see the scars, old and new, that patterned the man's body. The sight was rather enticing. He gulped, hands trembling.

"Something wrong, Padfoot?" Remus asked, snapping Sirius out of his trance.

"No...nothing. Nothing at all. I was just--nothing."

"Right," said Remus, raising an eyebrow in obvious disbelief.

"I was just admiring your physique." Sirius gave himself a good mental kick for the slip-up but it wasn't enough to regain control of his mouth, which seemed to have run away with his emotions. "You're a bloody sexy beast, Moony."

Remus blanched and choked on his toast. But before Sirius could regret saying anything, Remus's face broke out in a hesitant smile.

"Er, thanks, Padfoot. And although your intentions are well placed, I must advise you to consider getting your eyes checked."

It was amazing how oblivious Remus could be of his own good looks.

Sirius returned to his lunch, throwing fleeting glances at his friend whenever he thought it was safe. He wanted nothing more than to gather his Moony up in his arms and continue the escapade he had started this morning. But the knot of doubt in his stomach held him back. He didn't want to hurt his friend. He would have rather gone back to Azkaban than cause Remus to suffer any more than he had.

If there was even a glimmer of a chance of getting Remus back, he couldn't gamble it for a few cheap kicks. Not that any "kicks" from Remus would be cheap by any means...

* * *

After brunch, Remus pressed a cup of tea into Sirius's hands.

"Drink," he commanded simply.

Sirius sniffed the liquid suspiciously, an expression of disgust contorting his face. "This smells foul, Rem. Are you trying to poison me just because you're no longer the prettiest Marauder around?"

"Yes, Sirius. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. Now drink up." He winked as Sirius downed the liquid in one gulp and pretended to gag on it. "Can't have you stealing my thunder, you know."

"But seriously, Remus. What is this stuff?"

"Herbal tea. It'll help you get your strength back." He smirked at the look of indignation on Sirius's face. "Not that you need it or anything."

"Thanks," said Sirius, albeit a bit grudgingly.

"'Welcome, mate."

"So, are we going anywhere today?"

"We? No. We're not going anywhere. I'm going to buy groceries at the village--No, Sirius. I don't care how pitiful your puppy eyes are. It's too dangerous. You're not going, and that's final!"

* * *

"I can't believe I let you talk me into bringing you down here," Remus hissed out of the side of his mouth. "I feel like we're pushing our luck."

Padfoot--in dog form--simply barked happily, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Remus smiled reluctantly as he walked briskly down the empty street. Sirius bounded happily beside him. They were the only ones on the Muggle street in the village near Remus's house. It was nearly noon and everyone seemed to be seeking shelter from the stifling sun.

"Of course, we do need groceries." Remus turned abruptly and walked into a store near the corner. The old, quaint building was cool inside, and Remus breathed in the pleasant air. It was a relatively small store, with racks of fresh vegetables, fruits, meat, and processed Muggle foods.

Remus hesitated at the door, not knowing whether Sirius would be allowed to come in.

"Remus!" The voice made him jump.

He turned to find a balding man hurrying toward him and beaming in a way that crinkled the many wrinkles on his old face.

Remus grinned back. "Hobbes! It is certainly nice to see you."

"I should say the same, Remus. It's been too long. How did that job work out?"

"Not too well, I'm afraid."

"Bloody teenagers give you a hard time?"

"No, it's not that. I...resigned."

Hobbes clucked in sympathy. "I'm sure something will come around. I can try talking to my brother at the Ministry. See if he can line you up with a good job."

"Thanks, Hobbes. But I don't think a Ministry job is right for me." They'll never hire a werewolf, Remus thought to himself.

"I didn't know you had a dog, Remus," Hobbes said suddenly, catching sight of Sirius.

Remus couldn't fight down the idiotic smile that stretched his lips. My dog. No...my bitch, he thought gleefully. Almost immediately he felt sick--not only for daring to think such a thought, but also because of the painfully blissful memories that it conjured. He swallowed to keep the bile from rising at the back of his throat.

"The little fellow have a name?"

"This is Padfoot. He just...sort of showed up on my doorstep yesterday. I couldn't bear to turn him out."

"You're too kind for your own good, my boy." Hobbes's eyes sparkled with joy. "So, what do you need today?"

"Groceries. I bought some on the journey from Hogwarts, but I..." He gestured toward Sirius. "The mangy mutt ate more than his share."

Sirius growled and threw Remus a look of pure resentment.

"If you need dog food, Remus, it's in aisle three."

"Thanks." Remus tried his best to control his laughter at Sirius's piteously affronted look.

"Okay, then. If you need anything else, come on back." The old man gave Remus a meaningful look before disappearing through a curtain at the very back of the room.

Hobbes was a wizard with a Muggle wife. As such, his grocery store also sold food from the magical world in a secret back room to the several Wizarding families that lived in this small village near York.

Remus chose food for Sirius and himself, stopping every now and then to reprimand his "dog."

"Sirius, we don't need--" Remus grabbed an oddly lumpy packet out of Padfoot's mouth. "Strawberry-filled truffles? No, Sirius--Don't give me those puppy eyes. It's not going to work this time--Padfoot! Stop humping my leg. Okay, fine! You can have your bloody truffles."

Sirius barked happily and licked Remus's hand.

"Git," Remus chuckled.

But truffles weren't the only things Sirius bought. When the two of them strolled back home, the bags Remus carried also contained a bottle of firewhiskey that Padfoot had puppy-eyed and humped Remus into buying from the back room.

Remus heaved a great sigh. Sirius was bad enough when sleeping. I shudder to think what he'll be like when he's drunk.

"Moony," Sirius whined from his place on the sofa beside Remus. "Let's play a game."

"A game? Sirius, we're both grown men. Surely we can find some other way to entertain ourselves." Remus regretted the offhand comment as soon as it left his mouth.

Sirius's eyes lit up and his mouth curled in a smirk, like dog that had just caught scent of a rabbit.

"What are you suggesting, Moony?" he asked huskily, leaning close to Remus.

Remus's stomach flipped over in a double summersault. Face burning, he waved his friend off in what he hoped was an impatient manner. He tried laughing, but it sounded strange and forced even to his own ears, so he relented.

"Fine, Padfoot. What game do you want to play?"

"Uh...I hadn't thought ahead that much yet."

"Typical," Remus muttered. "What about Wizards' Chess?"

"Leave it to Remmy to come up with the most boring suggestion possible."

"Okay then, genius. What's your idea?" Somewhere in the back of his mind, Remus registered his amazement at the way he and Sirius devolved into immature teenagers in each other's company.

"Confessions."

"What?"

"Confessions. You know, the game you taught me during Christmas in our seventh year. You said you played it with your mom a lot."

"Er..."

Sirius rolled his eyes, scooting closer to Remus. His face was serious but his eyes danced with anticipation.

"You know, Moony. We turn off the lights--"

"Th--the lights?" Remus gulped.

"--and take turns exchanging confessions. Don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember. But that doesn't exactly qualify as a game."

"So? It's supposed to...bring people closer together." There was a touch of hesitation and embarrassment in Sirius's voice that seemed to call out to Remus.

He sighed. "Alright, Padfoot. We'll play confessions."

Sirius beamed. "Great! I'll get the firewhiskey."

"What's the firewhiskey for?"

"It loosens the tongue so that you can confess."

"I see..." Remus tried to hide the worry in his voice. He didn't understand Sirius's strange new eagerness for this game, but he could tell that the experience was going to be painful. Still, there was a part of him that jumped at the chance of getting Sirius to open up to him.

Either way, it's going to be an interesting night.

Five minutes later, the two friends settled themselves on the carpet of the sitting room. Night had fallen, and the only source of light was a lone candle floating a foot above the floor and throwing everything into sharp relief.

"Ready?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"Sure. You go first."

"Alright." Sirius looked pensive for a moment. Remus couldn't help but notice the way his friend's eyes grew dark and stormy whenever he was in deep thought. "Okay! Let's start this off with a clean slate. I kind of...bought the firewhiskey just so that we could play this game."

"Oh--wait. What?"

"The firewhiskey. I bought it so that we could play this."

"You were planning this before?"

"Yeah...okay--your turn!"

"What? That wasn't a confession!"

"Yes it was! I never said it had to be anything big."

"Alright...let me think..."

"Any day now, Moony."

Remus tried to stall. He had no idea what to confess; he cast the hook in the pool of his mind for something suitable. His first thought was, of course, to say, I love you, Padfoot! I always have; I always will.

Even in his head, the words sounded desperate and stupid. And besides, the logical side of Remus's brain would never let him loose control like that.

He grabbed the mug of firewhiskey from its place near his knee and took a long gulp. The liquid burned a spicy path down his throat.

"Come on, there has to be something!" said Sirius, trying to be helpful.

"I'm thinking!"

"Hurry up."

"Okay--do you remember that Potions final in sixth year? I kind of...sort of...cheated." Remus took another long swig of the pungent liquid.

"You what? Perfect, prefect Remus? Cheat?"

"I know...but it was a day after full moon and I couldn't study because I was unconscious in the Hospital Wing the night before and all day before that."

Sirius had a strange expression on his face. There was something like pride in his eyes.

"Your turn, Siri."

Sirius thought for a moment, gathering the droplets from the side of his mug with a finger.

"I once--during Halloween in sixth year--I hexed Tori Gonei so bad he was in the Hospital Wing for three days. You remember that?"

Remus nodded. "You got detention for a week from McGonagall."

"Well, I did it because I thought you liked him." There was a hint of shame in Sirius's voice.

"You thought I liked Gonei?"

"Sorry, Remus." Sirius hung his head.

"Well, you weren't completely wrong," said Remus, finishing off the last of his firewhiskey and pouring himself another mug-full.

Sirius's head snapped up so fast Remus was surprised he didn't hear the tendons break.

"I did like Gonei...though that was before we got together. And it was just a stupid crush."

"Oh." Sirius swigged the firewhiskey down all at once, wincing at the bitter and burning taste.

"It's your turn again, Padfoot. That was my confession."

As the night deepened, Remus found himself telling Sirius things he never imagined he would tell anyone. He confessed, with a pang of guilt, how he had once been jealous of James and Sirius's close friendship. How, before they extended him their camaraderie, he had loathed them because of their arrogant bullying.

Sirius admitted to having kissed a girl during the time when he and Remus had first started dating. And how, unbeknownst to Remus, he had bullied Snape, even after promising Remus he would leave the boy alone.

The candle inched lower, as did the firewhiskey. Remus soon noticed that his companion was starting to slur his words together. Sirius was looking ahead with wide eyes, as if he believed he could fight off his drunken stupor with sheer will alone. Soon he was so far gone that he wrapped his arms around his knees and started rocking to keep himself sober.

"You look shagtastic, you know," he said suddenly.

"I--what?"

"Y'know." He crawled toward Remus, smiling in a way that betrayed his intoxicated state. "Sexy. Cute. Handsome. Shagtastic."

"Right...Sirius, are you sure you don't want to get to bed? It's late."

Sirius's eyes widened in surprise and he stopped his advance a foot from Remus's face. "Really? I thought you wouldn't want to..."

Remus ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach. "Wouldn't want to--what?"

Smirking, Sirius collapsed into his arms. Remus, startled by the sudden weight of his friend, struggled to regain his composure as he supported Sirius up. Sirius pressed his face into Remus's neck--and licked.

Remus was so stunned he forgot to react. Sirius pushed him down onto the floor and attempted to straddle him; he lost his balance twice, but accomplished the task on the third try. Remus's heart was struggling to break his ribcage. He felt Sirius's mouth on his neck, nibbling and sucking. Their bodies were pressed close together, and Remus could feel an insistent pressure on his upper thigh.

"Mmm...you taste good," Sirius mumbled, licking a path down Remus's collarbone.

"Siri--Sirius, s--stop." Remus's pleas were cut short by a finger drawing excruciatingly slow circles around his navel. He couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips. Sirius smiled into his chest and moved his hand lower.

"Please, Siri. We--can't."

"Sure we can..."

"Dammit, Sirius! Stop!" Remus exploded. Yes, he enjoyed it, but Sirius's hunger was a result of the alcohol. He's stone drunk, and he thinks he wants me. But come morning...he'll regret it.

Shaken by Remus's angry outburst, Sirius pushed himself off and retreated to his former place. He was panting as if he had run a mile and his eyes reflected his chagrin.

"S--sorry, Remus," he said shyly.

Remus sat up, willing his heart to slow. "It's okay...it's your turn, anyway."

Sirius looked at him quickly before leaning back against the sofa and continuing quite as if nothing had happened.

Remus lost track of time as he watched his friend lounging on the floor, the candlelight playing on his handsome face. Shadows flitted across his chiseled features--features that not even Azkaban could take away. Remus started when the tone of Sirius's voice changed abruptly from cocky to hesitant.

"After the thing w--with--S--Snape, when I played that joke on him"--Sirius looked down, talking quietly to his cup--"I cried for days...weeks. I was so sickened with myself." A lone tear ran down his face, glistening in the candlelight. But either Sirius didn't notice, or didn't care. "That was the only time I thought seriously about ending m--my life."

The temperature in the room plummeted with each word Sirius spoke. Remus found himself unable to speak. His throat choked with tears and his lungs burned with each labored breath. He grabbed his knees to keep his hands from shaking.

"I never--never--meant to hurt you. I just got carried away. And even though you forgave me, I--I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. I don't deserve you, Moony. I really don't. Sometimes I try to convince myself that Snape deserved it...like I said at the Shack. But when I'm honest with myself...when I'm willing to see the truth, I--"

"Sirius," he interrupted gently, forcing himself to talk around the cold lump in his throat. "I forgive you. I told you, didn't I? It's okay. I--I overreacted after that incident. Everyone makes mistakes, Padfoot. As long as you learned from it--"

"But I didn't!" Sirius spat savagely. "I hurt you again...that day when I asked you to--to--break off our--relationship." He spread his hands in entreaty, finally looking up at Remus with tear-stained eyes. "And I continued to hurt you, even after that. I never learn. And then"--Sirius sneered brutally at himself--"I thought you were the spy. I didn't even consider--I didn't realize how much I hurt you. And I--I was just a selfish bastard. I still am."

The pain and self-loathing in Sirius's voice shook Remus to his marrow and moved him to action. He quickly closed the gap between them and took Sirius into his arms.

"And I'm hurting you now, aren't I?" Sirius sobbed into his shoulder, embracing him so forcefully that Remus could hardly breathe. "I couldn't think of any other way to tell you besides this game. I'm so sorry, Remus. I hurt you, as a friend--and as a l--lo--" Sirius swallowed audibly. "--as a lover. I'm still hurting you. And I'll hurt you in the future. Because I'm a selfish, conceited, brainless bastard that doesn't think things through, especially when it comes to you. I don't know how you ever put up with me." Sirius was visibly shaking, his body trembling with hurt.

Remus stroked his hair and held him closer. "I've hurt you, too, Sirius. I've disappointed you more times than I can count. And besides, I--I really--care about you. I'm your friend--first and foremost. And I always will be." No matter how many times you hurt me, I'll always forgive you...because I love you, Sirius. I love you more than anything--anyone. You can break me, shatter me to the core, and I'll always forgive you. Now...why can't I just tell you that? Why is it so hard? Because you don't feel the same way? Or do you?

Sirius loosened his hold enough to lock eyes with Remus, who found it impossible to talk with his parched mouth.

"Remus, I--I wish I'd never asked that of you." Sirius's voice was so soft that Remus wasn't sure he had heard right. "I wish we were still--or still could be. I--wish I'd n--never destroyed what we had. Because I still--" He broke off with a sob.

Remus fought down a wave of dizziness. He was sweating beyond reason, but his hands and feet were icy and numb.

The alcohol was finally going to his head, making him bolder than he would have ever dared to be. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Sirius's, their tears mingling in a salty-sweet mix of pain and ecstasy.

Remus pulled away reluctantly after a few heavenly seconds of bliss, eyes wide with anxiety. His heart hammered rapidly in his throat.

Oh, God! What did I do?

Sirius gazed deeply into his eyes, first with confusion, then with increasing confidence.

"Moony?" he asked, as if not quite daring to believe it.

Remus couldn't talk, but desperately wanted to say something--anything. He compromised by making a strange sound at the back of his throat, like a rabbit being strangled.

Sirius beamed through his tears, a smile so bright that it left Remus dazzled and woozy. Remus cupped his cheek, wiping away the tears with shaking fingers.

"I was an idiot," said Sirius. "I was scared of making a commitment. I never should have said those things to you. Remus, I--I don't want to lose you again."

Sirius bent closer, hesitating a little and looking into Remus's eyes searchingly. After a moment he smiled and closed the gap between them.

The kiss was awkward, but passionate--the culmination of twelve years worth of starved desire. Remus gasped as nimble hands slid under his shirt, tracing the scars that marked his body. Sirius took that opportunity to slip his tongue in Remus's welcoming mouth. All rationale, all logic, all thoughts were pushed aside as they lost themselves in the heat of passion.

* * *

Later--much later--Remus lay on the sofa, tangled in his lover's arms. Sirius snoozed lightly on his shoulder, the long ebony hair pooled over his chest. The two were still fully clothed--Sirius had been so intoxicated that he had passed out before anything could happen.

Thank the gods.

Remus gently caressed the sleeping face of his friend, his mouth stretched in a sad smile.

You may love me, but will that stop you from hurting me? How many more times can I stand heartbreak?

Like an unwelcome specter, the memory of their last night together rose up from the depths of his mind and enveloped him in its heartache.

"Why, Sirius?" Remus shouted, his face contorted in pain. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I--I don't know!" Sirius yelled back with just as much hurt in his voice. "I just need time to think--alone. Why are you making a big deal out of this?"

"You're moving out, and you don't think it's a big deal? This may have been just a fling for you, Sirius, but for me it was the real deal. You--you said you loved me."

"I just don't know anymore, Remus. You're making things really difficult."

"Difficult?" Remus's voice spiraled up into hysteria. "I just want a little commitment. An assurance of your loyalty. Why is that so wrong? I even said I'd tell my family. Great gods, Sirius! I'd tell the world if it meant we could be together."

"I thought you'd understand. I really care about you--and I find you infernally attractive. But I don't know if--" Sirius looked away, as if he couldn't stand to look at Remus any longer.

"If what?" Remus spat. "You don't know if you can spend the rest of your life with a werewolf?"

"Dammit, Remus! Stop pitying yourself. You think I care that you turn into a monster once a month?"

"You certainly cared when you tried to use me to kill Snape!"

"That's in the past! I made a mistake. Can't you just forget about it?"

"How can I forget? You punch holes in my heart and then ask me to forget about them? Can you even remember all the times you've hurt me? All those girls--and guys--you snogged when we broke up in sixth year? And chatting up everyone in sight even when we were together? Did you even bother to think how much you were hurting me?"

Sirius looked as if Remus had slapped him. "If I hurt you so much," he said, his eyes narrowing and his voice shaking with forced calm, "then why do you always come back?"

"Because I love you, Sirius."

Sirius grabbed Remus by the wrist and pulled him into a fierce kiss. When they broke apart, his eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Remus, I--I never knew. If I hurt you so much, then maybe it's for the better."

"What's for the better?"

"I--I want to end this, Remus. I don't think it's doing any good--for either of us. You want commitment, and I can't--I just can't give you that. Not yet. I need to think--I don't know myself as well as you do. I don't know if I really love you as much as you deserve. And I'm not going to ask you to wait until I make up my mind. It's not fair to you."

"S--Sirius, please."

"I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus sighed, watching the sleeping form beside him.

"You weren't the only one who was an idiot, Padfoot," he whispered, lightly kissing Sirius's forehead. "I should have understood."

Sirius stirred lightly. "...love you..." he mumbled.

"Me, too, Padfoot. Me, too."

* * *

As soon as he woke, Remus regretted the alcohol he had consumed the night before. All of it seemed to have gone to his head with a vengeance. His head throbbed as if an enraged pixie was trapped inside and was trying to break out of his skull; his stomach felt like water, daring him to try and eat something.

"'Morning, Moony," cooed Sirius, lounging lazily beside him.

Remus blinked groggily. "Good morning, Padfoot--What are you looking at?"

"You," said Sirius promptly. "I love watching you sleep."

"Oh?" The events of last night combined with the look of absolute affection in Sirius's eyes gave Remus confidence--and hope. His heart pounded in his throat as he tried to sound as natural as possible. "Is that all you love about me?"

Sirius beamed and swooped down to plant a soft kiss on Remus's lips. "Where do I even begin?" But then his face was suddenly solemn and earnest. "Listen, about last night, I--I want you to know that I meant everything I said. I might have been drunk, but I wasn't lying--or exaggerating, for that matter."

Remus's stomach felt like a pit of snakes. He swallowed, trying to slow his racing heart.

"I was the biggest idiot on earth for walking away from you. You can't imagine how much I've regretted moving out. I've relived that moment over and over in Az--Azkaban."

Remus's breath caught in his throat. It was the first time Sirius had mentioned the prison. "Sirius--"

"I was scared. I didn't know if what I felt was love or not. But now I know. I've had twelve years to think about it. It wasn't love--"

Remus's heart sank. He choked down the tears that threatened his self-control.

"--it was a lot more than that. I--I think you're my soul mate, Rem."

A heavy silence hung in the air. Sirius looked into Remus's eyes pleadingly, tears swimming underneath the surface. Remus opened and closed his mouth several times, but his voice seemed to have vanished.

Sirius snorted derisively. "I guess I must sound like a starry-eyed dolt--but I couldn't think of any other way to put it. You're my everything. James--James was my brother in everything but blood. But you--you're my friend, my lover, and the only person in the world I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I know I sound like a stupid git, but--dammit, Moony!--I--"

Remus lifted a finger to Sirius's lips to silence him. He still couldn't think of a suitable reply; he settled for pulling Sirius down on top of him and sobbing joyfully into his shoulder.

Time stood still as they lay in each other's arms, the world forgotten. Not even the pounding in Remus's head could ruin the moment.

* * *

Sirius was stunned. For once, one of his half-baked plans had actually worked. He had gotten drunk on purpose, in order to force himself to say what he couldn't say when he was sober. But he had gotten more than he could have hoped for.

Something had happened last night. The barriers the two of them had constructed around themselves had somehow crumbled and fallen. For the first time in--years---Sirius had seen the real Remus, the one behind the masks, the one that smiled as if they were the only two people in the world.

Oh, Remus...

And what was more, not only had Remus forgiven him, but the man was crying into his shoulder in a way that assured Sirius of his love more than words ever could.

Sirius gently caressed Remus's tawny hair, letting him cry himself dry.

"Moony?" Sirius asked, a long time after the sobs had ceased. "Are--are you okay, Moony?"

"I love you," Remus said in his matter-of-fact tone that left no room for argument.

"You--I--really?"

Remus replied by taking Sirius's face in his hands and pulling him into a fervent, desperate kiss that left them both weak-kneed and euphoric.

Sirius grimaced as they pulled apart. "This is one hell of a hangover," he grunted.

"Are you sorry?"

"No way! I just wish I'd gone to sleep in a more comfortable position." He cricked his neck, rubbing it sullenly.

"Actually, what you did--it's not called 'going to sleep.' It's called 'passing out.' And you can't really choose where or when you do it."

"You passed out, too," Sirius said huffily as he stood up, stretching.

"I didn't pass out! I went to sleep long after you did, thank you very much." Remus chuckled at the rumpled state of Sirius's hair.

"What are you laughing at?" Sirius offered him a hand and pulled him up.

"Your hair looks like Buckbeak nested in it."

Sirius made a mock-offended face.

"That'll be our project for the day, eh, Padfoot? Taming that hay bale you call a mane."

"Fine, but first we're waiting for this hangover to go away. My head hurts like hell as it is. I don't need you making it worse by pulling my hair out."

"Keep that up and I might decide to save time by shaving your entire head bald while you're sleeping."

"Remus John Lupin, you wouldn't dare!"

Remus shrugged nonchalantly. "Doesn't make a difference to me whether you've got hair or not."

Sirius leaned over and whispered a comment in his ear that made him sputter and turn a magnificent crimson that would have made any Weasley proud.

* * *

"Padfoot, hold still!" Remus whapped his struggling lover with the comb he was holding. He was perched on the edge of the bathtub as a shirtless Sirius kneeled with his back to him. Curls of sable hair lay scattered on the floor of the tub.

"Are you sure it's straight, Remus?"

"Even if it isn't, it has to be an improvement over the mop you had before, right?"

"I think you mean, 'Even if it isn't, your magnificent hair will look dashing no matter what.'" That earned him another whack with the comb.

Remus worked in silence for a few minutes, lovingly trimming the unruly mat of hair into a neat row.

"There," he remarked, surveying his handiwork. "Perfect."

Sirius turned and inspected himself critically in the mirror. Remus found it hard to breathe at the sight of Sirius's naked torso. Three days of full meals had done him a world of good, and a ghost of his old luster was starting to creep back into his skin.

Remus flushed when Sirius caught him staring. The smirk that lit Sirius's face just made Remus blush harder.

He coughed, looking away. "I--I'll go make dinner. It should be done by the time you finish your shower."

Remus turned to go, but froze when Sirius grabbed him by the wrist. Strong arms inched around his waist.

"Dinner can wait," Sirius murmured, his hot breath tickling Remus's ear and making shivers run up and down his spine. "I told you I loved you. Don't you want to know how much?"

"But--"

"Please, Moony?" Sirius licked the lobe of his ear sensually. "I've waited so long. Besides, you could do with a shower, too."

Sirius slowly drew him into the shower, unbuttoning his shirt and casting it off along the way. Pajamas were pushed down; boxers were left to pool on the floor.

Remus had barely turned on the water when he was abruptly pushed up against the tiled wall by Sirius's lips. He moaned and yanked Sirius closer by his hair. Sirius's hands felt like irons on his back. He could not remember the last time he had been so caught up in the ecstasy of desire.

"I love you, Rem," Sirius breathed over his lips.

"I love you, too, Padfoot."

Then there was no more need for words as Sirius proceeded to show Remus just how much he loved his Moony.

* * *

The two weeks passed by in a haze of elation. On the last night of Sirius's stay, he lay curled up with Remus in the bedroom.

"I'll miss you," Sirius whispered to his lover, pulling him close.

"Do you know where you're going yet?"

"South," Sirius said simply.

Remus bit his lip worriedly, his eyes swimming with questions he was trying not to ask.

Sirius tightened the arm that lay across his lover's abdomen, nuzzling Remus's cheek with his nose.

"I'll be fine, Remus. Don't worry yourself."

"I wish I could go with you, Siri."

"I know. But if you disappear, the Ministry will jump to the conclusion that you had something to do with my escape."

"I bet they've already considered it. If it wasn't for Dumbledore, they would have..."

"Shhh." Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus's lips. "Let's just enjoy this night."

Remus nodded, turning so that he was laying on his side, facing Sirius. A sudden, feral grin sparked on his face as he pressed their bodies flush against each other.

"Think your old bones are up for another round?" he whispered wickedly.

"Old, am I?" asked Sirius, kissing a path down the man's neck. "My dear Mr. Lupin, thirty-five is hardly old."

"Oh, really? I'm not sure that I believe you."

"Then let me show you." With that, Sirius pulled his lover in for a searing kiss that set his nerves ablaze with passion.

* * *

A week later, a letter arrived for Remus as he sank down into his favorite armchair to enjoy a cup of tea. The carrier was a large, tropical bird that, Remus thought, must have attracted quite a bit of attention flying over Britain.

He let the bird in and unraveled the letter with anticipation.

Dear Moony,

I hope this letter finds you. This is the first time I'm using one of these birds and I don't know how reliable they are.

I'm successfully in hiding. The place is really agreeing with me. You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off.

Remus could practically see Sirius waggling his eyebrows and smirking. He chuckled to himself.

Wish you were here. Just know that I miss you like hell. You're always in my thoughts, love. I've been pretty bored just sitting around in hiding, so I've written something for you. It's sealed by the same password as the map.

Write back soon. I'll be waiting. Loving you and missing you lots (and not just the sex, either).

Your Padfoot

Remus couldn't keep the smile off his face. He read the letter over, feeling a fluttering in his heart at the words. Then, curiosity ignited at what Sirius could have possibly written, he pointed his wand at the letter and mumbled, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Immediately the words vanished, only to the replaced by a very long list scrawled in Sirius's handwriting.

Remus blushed as he read--it was a list of all the things Sirius wanted to do to Remus when they met again. If his heart was stirred by the letter, the list stimulated an entirely different part of his body.

That night, he put the letter in the drawer of his nightstand and lay down to enter the dream world where he could visit his beloved.

For the first time in thirteen years, Remus felt like he was wanted, needed, loved. It was a feeling he never wanted to lose.

He sighed contentedly.

Be safe, Sirius. I love you.