Phases of the Wolf

Phases of the Wolf 1: Sirius and a mug of tea

'I still believe it when you say it's another perfect day'

The sun invaded his sleep with no thought for his pounding head and he groaned into the pillow, wishing for a complete absence of celestial light. Yes, that would solve all his problems - no light. Of course, Sirius would probably stumble and break something in the dark and that would lead to whole other catastrophes.

A cool shadow eclipsed the light and the bed dipped by his head. Speak of the Devil.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Gnh." What? Was Sirius expecting speech post-transformation?

Long fingers settled in his hair, combing through it soothingly and Remus huddled closer, resting his head against a denim-clad thigh. "Go back to sleep. I should have left you."

The voice was apologetic and calming all at once, and Remus mused that it was the tone of one who had done this many times before and yet miraculously wasn't fed up with it. Small blessings.

"M'wake now." Ah, words. Quite the achievement, even if they were a bit slurred. Sirius chuckled against him, but still his fingers were gentle as they smoothed down his hair, giving Remus goosebumps.

Suddenly, something struck him and he peered up at Sirius with bleary eyes. "Aren't you meant to be at work?

He felt more than saw the shrug. "Took the day off."

Remus sighed under his breath. Trainee Aurors were definitely not meant to take days off whenever they felt like it, but Sirius regularly missed the day following a full moon, his list of excuses getting increasingly exotic with every irritated inquiry. Remus recalled that the last one had been 'run over by a Hippogriff'.

"The Ministry will start thinking you're the werewolf," Remus protested, but not too strongly. It was always harder when Sirius wasn't there. Oh, he could stumble out of bed, make toast and tea and then collapse in a heap on the kitchen floor, but that was about the limit of his energy. Sirius liked to list those times when he'd returned home to find Remus huddled against the bath or across a doorway as very good reasons why the first day of the waning moon was a necessary sick day.

"Everyone who matters knows I'm just living with one." A quick smile, before the hand was removed from Remus' hair and he shifted off the bed. "Think you can manage some tea?"

Remus smiled gratefully and Sirius made for the doorway before pausing. "Oh, and don't get up for a bit. I'll bring it to you."

He vanished through to the kitchen and Remus closed his eyes again. It was becoming some kind of post-transformation ritual. Sirius would leave him until around noon, at which point he couldn't restrain his Mother Hen act any longer and threw open the curtains. Often, he would take a deep breath and smile ridiculously at the sky. "Another perfect day", he'd say.

And for that one moment, Remus would believe him, truly hope that today would be good for him. It never was though and Remus found himself desperately fighting the depressing thought that he was an unwanted waste to the wizarding world. He hadn't heard from any of the jobs he'd applied for, but he knew that Sirius had been filtering his mail - the white ash in the grate was a pretty good indicator. Sirius burned everything he disliked, which was why finding a ground floor flat with a fireplace was one of the few miracles Remus had encountered in his relatively short life.

He was still hoping for a couple more though. Like a job amongst wizards.

Working for a Muggle Open University qualification seemed like the only way to expand his options, that and applying further and further afield - he distinctly remembered Sirius' face when he saw an application form in Russian. Remus had hurriedly assured him that it was only a consideration, but Sirius had still looked hurt. Too used to people deserting him, Remus thought with a touch of sadness.

No one deserved love more than Sirius. He had fought against the prejudices of his upbringing, if one could call it that, and hid his vulnerability behind pranks and a huge smile. Remus had still soothed his nightmares though and gladly curled up with him to keep them at bay, hearing his whispered confessions in the dark and slowly realising that the Pureblood Prince was just as scared as everyone else, and with better reason than most.

Remus couldn't have asked for a better friend - an illegal Animagus for him, subduing the wolf in the Shrieking Shack while the moon rode high and now skipping the training he had worked so hard for just to make a cup of tea. Remus couldn't help but think that he was holding Sirius back. Since the string of girls at Hogwarts, Sirius hadn't mentioned a single date he'd planned, one woman who'd caught his attention. It was with the greatest of reluctance that Sirius had left him last night to meet up for a drink with James but Remus had finally persuaded him to go.

He should stop this coddling now and make Sirius realise that he lived with this years before he came along and he could damn well deal with it now. He was not some invalid to be given breakfast in bed and treated as useless. He had had quite enough of that feeling to last him a lifetime.

Gritting his teeth against the inevitable ache, Remus mustered his strength and pushed his body into a sit.

A rough animalistic cry was torn from his throat as pain exploded across his abdomen, burning red hot and vicious behind his eyes. He felt tears leach from beneath his eyelids as he gasped for breath against the agony consuming him from the waist up. His arms shook as they supported him but he couldn't move, trapped in the torturous position but too frozen with pain to relieve it.

"Shit, Moony! What are you doing?"

The clatter of a tea tray on the bookcase before strong hands had grabbed hold of his shoulders, supporting him as his arms collapsed from under him. Forearms against his back, Sirius lowered him back to the bed as carefully as he could but not without several cries of pain from Remus. Eventually he felt the soft pillow beneath his head and the pain became a dull throbbing instead of exquisite agony. Progress.

Those considerate hands moved to his face, cupping his taut cheeks. "Moony? You still with me?" His voice was shaking.

Remus forced his eyes open to reassure and was rewarded with a relieved Sirius smile. "So, when I said not to move..."

A bite of the lip and a suitably sheepish look was enough to convince Sirius of a lesson learned and he rested his forehead against Remus'. "Don't do that again, huh? I thought it was a rat or something."

Remus smiled at their joke, one born of the newly-canine capable Sirius watching the Hogwarts rats with fascination at every opportunity. It was Remus' duty to complain and occasionally shriek like a girl so that Padfoot had an excuse to leap at the things, grab them by the tail and bash their heads against the wall. Remus had never been a fan of blood sports but there was something strangely satisfying about watching the tormentors of his werewolf-tortured body being knocked about by Sirius.

Obviously, Peter wasn't too happy about it and James thought they were both weird, but there was nothing new there. Peter hadn't been happy about much recently and James was advocating marriage whenever he saw them, caught in his honeymoon phase of wondering why everyone didn't want this supposed wedded bliss.

Remus had a very good reason but not one he'd be sharing with James anytime soon. He smiled at Sirius like a fool, hoping his eyes didn't betray his thoughts and Sirius smiled back, lips far too close for Remus' sanity. Eventually, he pulled away, frowning at Remus' grimace as he shifted on the bed.

"Wand and potions," he said decisively, turning towards the door before pausing. "And this time when I say don't move..."

"Don't move," Remus intoned dutifully, smiling until Sirius left. Then, he sighed deeply and considered the mess he was getting them both into. Sirius needed to concentrate on his training not mother a recovering werewolf and Remus was draining more than his time.

He had a part-time job at a quaint little chocolatier just down the road and the little old lady had something of a soft spot for him. She just accepted that he had 'funny turns' every so often and would request a couple of days of recovery per month. If she noticed the timing of these days, she said nothing and that was good enough for Remus.

Still, the money was dreadfully poor and while he tried to pour his fair share into the rent, it was Sirius who forced him to live off more than bread, cheese and misshapen chocolates. "This is what friends are for, Moony," he'd say and then roll his eyes dramatically, as if he would never understand the workings of the mind of Remus J Lupin. Remus privately thought that was probably for the best.

Maybe he would look at that job in Russia. Might do them good to be apart for a while - Sirius could lead his own life and Remus could relearn the art of being a solitary Dark Creature. It would surely be one he'd need.

"I am returned bearing gifts!" Sirius proclaimed, his arms full of potion bottles and bandages and his wand tucked under his chin. He set down his burdens on the floor before kneeling beside the bed and pulling down the covers. Remus tried to suppress his shiver, but he could never hide things from Sirius.

"Need to fatten you up, mate. Feel the cold less then." Remus resisted comment on the thinly-veiled hint. Sirius had recently taken to just stocking the cupboards without consulting him and then presenting him with fully-cooked meals he couldn't turn down. It didn't make Remus feel like less of a leach, no matter how well-fed he was.

The wand tickled him as Sirius performed a series of numbing spells before carefully supporting Remus into a half-sit and unwrapping the bandage. Remus winced at the bloody mess of gouges marring his pale skin, suturing spells broken and fresh blood leaking from under the newly-formed scabs. Just another wound from the wolf and Sirius took it all in his stride, picking up a bowl he had brought and filling it was warm water from the tip of his wand. He began his work instantly, cleaning and reapplying healing potions.

"God, you must be sick of this." The words had left his mouth before he'd had time to think and he instantly regretted them at Sirius' hurt look. It was quickly covered but Remus had seen it all the same.

"My own fault, Moony," he said in a low voice. "Shouldn't have been out drinking when you needed me."

"Don't be an idiot, Pads," Remus smiled. "Nothing you could've done."

"I don't know, Moony. The wolf...it's calmer when Padfoot's there. Doesn't try to scrape out its own stomach."

Another wince and Remus tried to think of an argument. Yet what Sirius said was true - the wolf was calmer when the big black dog played with it, and it somehow gave Remus just a knife-edge of control. He couldn't explain it but Sirius' exuberant presence was the most calming thing he knew, as human or wolf.

"You can't organise your life around me, Sirius," he said tiredly, and the words just fell off his tongue: "I'm going to look for jobs in Europe."

Sirius stiffened, his hand tightening on his wand. His wide eyes met Remus'. "What are you saying, Remus?"

Remus swallowed, but it had to be said. "I think it's best if I leave."

The wand returned to its task of casting binding spells, as Sirius looked away and appeared to concentrate on his task. "I see," he said neutrally, but Remus could see his wand shaking.

"You need to live your own life, and I, I need..."

"You need me, Moony!" Sirius practically shouted, the last healing spell turning into a shower of red sparks. Sirius quickly checked for damage but Remus reassured him with a hand to his shoulder.

"You can't be my support forever, Pads," he said softly. "Eventually, we'll have to go our separate ways and I'll need to learn to deal with this by myself. You can't risk your career to clean up my messes. This is for the best."

Remus wondered if he sounded as uncertain as he felt and one look at Sirius was enough to tell him his show of bravado had failed. "You don't mean that, Remus." He shook his head before winding a fresh bandage around the wound and settling Remus back into bed. "I'm going to remake the tea and then we'll talk properly."

It was only then that Remus realised Sirius had upset the teapot in his haste to get to Remus, sending its contents all over the wall and dripping steadily off the corner of the bookcase. Sirius retrieved the tray and with one last lingering look, left the room again.

Remus was frustrated with himself. He was going to be independent, let Sirius have the freedom and love he deserved - but as soon as he saw Sirius' dark eyes, all his resolve melted and he found himself wishing never to leave this place. It wasn't fair, this idiotic crush on his best friend, but that didn't stop the damn thing insinuating itself into every corner of his life.

All too soon, Sirius was back and pouring two mugs of tea. He stirred three spoons into one mug and one into the other, before presenting the former to Remus. He rested it on the bed covers and regarded Sirius carefully. He was struggling to keep his face devoid of emotion, a remnant of his childhood in The Very Noble House of Black, but Remus had learned to find the cracks. Right now, Sirius' eyes were...frightened and the tight line of his mouth showed that he was more worried than anyone would have believed possible for the ever merry jester of Hogwarts.

"Sirius?"

He looked up from his contemplation of the mug. "Yes, Remus?"

"You wanted to talk," Remus reminded him gently, hoping to get this portion of the day over with and possibly getting Sirius to at least half the day's studies.

"I don't want you to go," he blurted, surprising both himself and Remus.

"Be sensible, Sirius. We knew this day had to come."

"What if I don't want it to?" Sirius said stubbornly, reminding Remus of the first year who had burned his mother's letters and cried over them at night. The outward rebellion and inward hurt were so ingrained into Sirius that Remus had almost forgotten where to look for them.

"I don't want to go, Pads, but it's what we both need."

"Is it?" Sirius set down his tea and came to sit on the edge of Remus' bed. "This is working for us, Moony, it's just part of our lives. I want to be here for you and old Mad Eye doesn't mind me missing the odd day - it's better than Prongsy running off to Lily every free minute."

That earned a smile from Remus but he had to stand firm, he had to be the strong one this time. He set aside his own mug and took a deep breath. "Pads, you're putting your life on hold for me and I can't watch you do it. You haven't had a date in months, you're more concerned with getting me to eat than practicing your defence spells and one day you're going to be worrying about me instead of concentrating in the field and you'll get yourself hurt, or worse. I can't allow this to continue anymore."

Remus saw Sirius visibly swallow and bow his head, not meeting Remus' eyes. "You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

"Some, yes. I just want you to be happy, Sirius."

Sirius stood up as suddenly as if he'd been cursed and stared at Remus, some realisation dawning over his face. "Is this what this is about, Moony? You think you're keeping me from finding some girl and shacking up like James and Lily? Shit, Remus, don't you get it? I don't want to find a nice girl and settle down! I just want to stay here." His voice lowered. "With you."

Remus' heart missed a beat. "What are you saying, Sirius?" he whispered, his mind refusing to believe what his heart was clamouring to acknowledge.

He wouldn't look at him, breathing heavily and hands twitching at his sides. "I wasn't going to tell you this, Remus, but if you're going to leave me anyway, I might as well." Sirius looked up and his eyes were piercing, a veil of tears threatening to fall. "I'm in love with you, Remus. I chose to live my life around you, with you, because I love you."

Turning away at Remus' shocked expression, he continued with a choked-up voice. "Of course, I'll leave now if you want. I know this isn't what you expected from a best mate but I couldn't let you go without you knowing. I hope it doesn't affect our friendship, and that you'll still write..."

Remus struggled to sit up, hissing as the skin pulled and Sirius whirled round, leaping to his aid instinctively. Remus ignored his look of concern and took hold of his face.

"Idiot," he gasped, before pushing aside the pain to kiss Sirius soundly. He gladly swallowed the yelp of surprise and drowned under the caress of those lips, hardly believing this was happening and wondering when he would wake from this heady dream.

Sirius was clambering onto the bed, straddling Remus' thin body and holding him closer. He tried to nudge him back to the pillow, but a pained gasp from Remus put pay to that. Sirius pulled away, regarding him with concern and Remus tried not to curse his stupid, werewolf-abused body. "Don't you dare stop," he growled, but Sirius was already back-tracking and it was all Remus could do to keep him on the bed.

"Sirius! I'm not going to break!" Remus said, irritation mounting until Sirius finally listened to him and offered a gentle kiss, but pulled away again.

"I'm not going anywhere," he reassured, anticipating Remus' protests, "but you need to rest. Can't have you wincing at every little thing all month, Messr. Moony."

"I should hope not, Messr. Padfoot" Remus said, grinning like a fool and pulling Sirius down to lie beside him on the small bed. Sirius willingly complied, curling around him and returning those talented fingers to his hair.

"Does this mean you're not leaving?" Sirius said in a small, hopeful voice and Remus smiled, turning his head so their foreheads rested together.

"I don't think that I shall," he said and watched Sirius' eyes light up, diving forward for another kiss. That distracted them for another few minutes until Remus reluctantly pulled away.

"Shouldn't you be going to work?"

"Took the day off," repeated Sirius stubbornly and Remus couldn't help but smile. How could so much have changed in less than an hour, now with Sirius warming his bed and a mug of cooling tea on the table? Remus thought that things didn't get much better than this.

Aiming a soft kiss at Sirius' nose, he sighed and said: "Now this, Sirius, would be a perfect day."