Midnight Musings

Yes, I should have known when she came to me her eyes wide and not looking for Harry this time glad he'd gone to the Burrow on visit and trembling she entered brushing past me jasmine lingering like fear around me clinging there yes she apparated in good girl pink muggle sweater tight like all the girls wear these days in the pubs too young for me now without looking foolish but carefree sound of girl chatter and the hypnotising sound of laughter makes me recall those times before at Hogwarts when James was alive and I was not so numb as I am now despite all our happy endings acquitted and free at last after all these years trying not to remember about the lost time wasting away in my cell feeling my youth sucked up and spit out like so much mucous living for a purpose then and I found him yes the snivelling rat who betrayed us all how could I have known he'd trade friendship for power if only yes I should have killed him then were it not for the mercy of the boy and Remus it might have been over before and all those people would be living still and Dumbledore poor Hagrid yes but no good regretting now that it's over and Wormtail is in that dark prison finally feeling justice yes but it doesn't give back the time passed or Lily and James my love so much for friends forever always Remus though poor Remus so sweet that last time and grateful for the company I guess must be lonely these days and no one to save him from himself like we had so many years ago but so old he looks now and fragile not like before when we'd play under the full moon not so bad then looking always forward to those nights with James and yes Peter we were so young and I will never be so old as I am now next to her O so lonely the last eighteen years first prison then searching for Peter and the rest of the Death Eaters all gone and Voldemort dead and Dumbledore yes Harry coming to live with me so strange to be a father but surely James never thought that all this would happen or he certainly would not have named me but it's been nice having Harry around making up for time lost and the day he came here his green eyes lighting up the way Lily's did when I made her laugh or when she looked at James so perfect they were he was O if only he'd been around tonight I wouldn't have but she kissed me yes sweet seduction and I couldn't stop her it had been so long since I'd been touched so softly yes she surprised me and I wonder why I never noticed the way she looked at me before and now or never she said almost already gone and yes I could smell her fear and impulsion pushing her finally forward her skin supple perfume smooth and starving I was tasting her mouth parted and sweet honey breath like Lily that day when James and I found her behind the shrubs sunning her thighs and we asked and she said yes the word lingering in the air singing with the sweet scent of rosebuds and her scent sang along yes and I tasted her strawberry hair and James kissed her mouth and breath so fast now soft and surprised to find that spot she hummed as James and I explored her mapping out those places where women keep their secrets yes and her breasts were so happy to see the sun and so small her waist that I was afraid I would break her but she would not be so easily broken yes and we moved like music together a fine waltz and I hadn't finished when I felt the hand on my shoulder and James smiled to see Remus watching his mouth curled up in wonder and we welcomed him into our chorus yes and he kissed my mouth so strange to feel the roughness of his face against my chin strange now remembering but I didn't say stop and yes watching James watching her make love to him lovely and white back so straight and I worried about her skin burning in the sun funny the things we think sometimes but O we sang all four falling into the tender ecstasy of an April afternoon naked and free until Snape snake in the grass slithered by swearing to destroy us yes I got my revenge later when I saw the terror on his face as he witnessed Remus' darker hunger were it not for James yes child games we were young simpler then unlike now after all that has happened scarred and so old O she came to me and I couldn't say no and O Hermione when you looked at me that way eyes wide searching for me and not Harry this time stupid girl but extraordinary and tender I remembered the ghost of a man I once knew I once was I shouldn't have followed but she led so well with her tongue and her lips so hard against my mouth my hands deceiving me moving against my will yes she said will I please and I yes took her yearning to taste her everything young and fresh buried my nose into her jasmine yes and she trembled under my fingers tracing paths remembered from some long ago map I'd thought I'd lost but I uncovered her secrets and yes I kissed her longing to be buried in her mouth a beautiful death and she took me in and warm she was like an April day and wet as the grass at dawn when I escaped from Azkaban that first night out feeling freedom despite purpose so cold and fresh it was the smell of mowed lawns in the perfect Muggle neighbourhood and poor Harry scared him nearly to death that night and several times before it was all over Grim indeed yes James would have had a good laugh at that I'm sure I can see him red-faced hear him O what I would not give to hear him laugh now but what would he say about yes I pulled her to the floor and yes I lost myself deeper and music I thought jazz and sultry rhythm exquisitely dancing my head was floating in her jasmine clinging to my fingertips and now to my pillow where she lies sleeping untouched by regret and other such nonsense as I would be were I still her age nineteen and the rest of her youth ahead of her to make so many sweet mistakes so many more discoveries she will be searching yes I was searching for her soul still light as a feather and I wanted to make it my own were it possible to forget and be simply free to discover the secrets we uncover when we live our youth and I never yes but no sense regretting now we cannot go back to that time so sweet the memories that I thought were lost to me I was sure the Dementors had digested them yes were it not for purpose I may not be here now and she is here now so warm and nice to have that space filled if only for one night live flesh pressing against me now breathing steadily and calm as one can only be after a night like this and tomorrow she will be gone to America for school and Harry and Ron will be gone soon too and alone again I guess but for the memory of this night and the passion exploding after years not so dead as I'd thought yes delicious madness pushing me up and over the edge landing gently light as a feather floating on a cloud of jasmine and she came to me and pleaded me to yes and I didn't say stop and now! she cried and yes I said yes I will yes