I hate you

2 - The dark side of the moon

Did I remember to tell you that I love you? It was so long ago now, I can't remember clearly anymore. I think I did. I hope I did. I wish I did.

It was so hard to go on after they put you in Azkaban. I just wanted to die then, I wanted to die for years after. I still do.

But you are still alive, somehow. They even say that you are sane. I don't know how you manage, and I hope you don't know that I suffer all the same. Every night I go through what went wrong in my head, and every night I hate myself even more for what I am. For not being able to help you. God knows I tried Sirius, I tried.

For a while I even considered turning myself in, so that I'd at least be closer to you. I didn't. I went through the laws again, and realized that I wouldn't be any help for you if I did. As a werewolf I wouldn't be thrown into Azkaban for being a follower of Voldemort, I would have received a Dementor's kiss and then been executed. Of course. I should have known.

So instead suicide was just a moment away day after day, month after month, full moon after full moon, year after year. Twelve years is a long time, Sirius, but you know that. You know that as well as I do.

At least my life had a meaning the last year. Our master has risen again, as you said he would, sitting on my bed looking like the saddest angel to ever grace this world that morning. That dreaded morning. Did I tell you that I loved you? Why can't I remember?

Dumbledore contacted me, asking me if I could do him a favor. I said yes, not wanting to let him know where my loyalty lies. I'm going to teach defense against the dark arts now.

Voldemort is pleased, very pleased as a matter of fact. Lucius Malfoy has so far made sure that no competent has ever taught that subject, but now he has been kicked from the school board. And now it's my turn to take the job.

I've got orders to not teach them too much, nothing that could help them fight my master, and I didn't plan anything else for them to be honest. I'm just going to make a living and serve my lord at the same time, while waiting for you. He promised me that he'd get you out of there, that he got someone working on it, keeping you less guarded so you could try to escape. He can't help you off the island, he is too weak yet, but he can let you try.

You are my reward like Lily was supposed to be yours.

Silly girl she was. Double crossing, cheating, naive, gullible and vain in one mix. So much for being a Gryffindor. The only Gryffindor like thing she ever did was dying for her son. For Harry.

Harry is there. Starting his third year. Voldemort wants me to keep an eye on the boy while he is growing stronger. I wouldn't want it any other way. He is your godson, Sirius, should have been mine, but I've got over that now. Now that James is dead. Finally. He deserved what he got, I just wish he knew who really betrayed him, and I know you do too, Sirius.

I still miss you though. Especially around the full moon when my need of a pack is at its strongest. I even miss James and Peter then. But it's not the same, far from the same. I just miss them because when they were there, so were you. And we were together, all four of us. The Marauders. Now it's just you and me left Sirius, just Moony and Padfoot.

At least I don't tear myself into pieces now. They finally got a success with their research on the wolfsbane, it can be made into a potion, it doesn't stop me from transforming but it helps keeping me sane. Like you used to do. I wonder if you know. You probably don't, you probably think that I'm still biting my self under the influence of the moon.

Sometimes I do bite myself anyway, just to make sure that I am still alive. The dull ache reminds me of how it used to be, before everything came tumbling down, and you were ripped away from me.

I miss the way you helped me to bed after the change, how you always made me feel safe, without the threat of the people who don't understand.

People fear what they don't understand. Not everyone understand werewolves, few understand us as a matter of fact. Though you were one of the few who did understand, who didn't fear us, who didn't hate us for what we couldn't help being. I remember how you said you were going to change all the rules that we had to obey that humans didn't, that one day you would make everything alright and make everyone understand. Sweet words, lovely words, the words of a dreamer. And I wanted to believe them so badly. I didn't doubt your motive, Sirius, I never doubted you, it was the people who you wanted to change who I doubted.

Now look where they put you. They don't even know half of the truth but you are in Azkaban all the same. No trial. You didn't even get a trial.

I wish it would have been me in there. I know I would have been executed rather than put in Azkaban for life, I know, but I would rather have been there instead of you. I have no life to live, I was doomed to be shunned around since that night I got bitten. I so wanted to believe you when you said that you would change it all for me, for all werewolves. You knew me inside out, I never bothered to hide anything from you since the day you found out I was a werewolf, I didn't want to hide anything from you.

I still believe, you know. I believed you then, and I believe you now. You'll come to me, you'll find your way out and find me. Just like you promised all those years ago.