Occlumency

~ Occlumency~

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

From Macbeth (V, v, 19)

* * *

Friday, 10 January, 1996

Tomorrow I have to break it to Potter that I'll be teaching him Occlumency.

Dumbledore asked that I keep a written record of the boy's progress. He indicated that he thinks my attitude might not be entirely objective.

While I admit that Potter does certain things that annoy me - such as, for example, breathing - I do think I can judge his progress without the help of a journal. Nevertheless, the Headmaster thinks it will help, so I will do it. I just hope the locks I've put on this are strong enough. I've also made sure this book will be invisible unless I'm holding it. I still don't think this is safe.

Saturday, 11 January

Gave Potter the news today. Oh, he was not pleased. At least I'll have the satisfaction of being able to make sure he finds the lessons just as enjoyable as I do.

I wish to hell Dumbledore could have at least explained more thoroughly to the boy why he needs the lessons. I understand why he couldn't, but why does it have to be me?

Sunday, 12 January

Just re-read that last entry. Of course I know perfectly well why it has to be me.

The lessons begin tomorrow evening. I told the boy not to let anyone know that I was teaching him Occlumency; he's to say that he's taking remedial potions (which actually he should be, now that I think on it). I have no doubt he's told his little sidekicks all about it already. I can only hope that's as far as it goes.

Monday, 13 January

Unteachable. The boy is simply unteachable.

He started out well enough, but once I tried explaining to him how to do it, he got worse. And worse. At least I know that from here he can only improve.

I hope.

His memories of his relatives are disturbing. I wonder if they hated James as much as I did?

Wednesday, 15 January

And I thought he could not get worse. As usual, the joke is on me.

Monday, 20 January

He's not practicing, and he spends our sessions counting the minutes until they end. I try to make the Legilimency as unpleasant as possible, but he'd still rather put up with it than do as I tell him.

If having the bloody Dark Lord in his head isn't enough to motivate him, what hope do I have?

Wednesday, 22 January

Tonight I will NOT lose my temper with Potter.

(Later)

I should just kill myself. It would be easier.

Monday, 27 January

Or I could kill Potter, but then I'd be out of a job.

Wednesday, 29 January

I don't think he fully understands why we're doing this. I'm not sure how it can escape him. He knows that he's picking up the Dark Lord's feelings. Does he not understand the implications of that?

How could he not?

Does he like being linked to the Dark Lord that way? If so, is it just another thing to make him "special," or does he really enjoy it?

Is it possible he could be doing this entirely to spite me?

Monday, 3 February

All right, I'm making another go at this. Harry Potter is NOT evil. Nor is he James Potter.

I will not lose my temper this time. I WILL get through to him.

(Later)

I wonder if the Durmstrang Institute needs a Potions Master.

Wednesday, 5 February

I spoke to Dumbledore and asked him to try to get through to Harry about the importance of learning this, but he says the risk is too great. I'm sure he's right, but I don't think I can do it myself. No one can teach those who are not willing to learn.

Wednesday, 18 February

I'm afraid I've skipped updating after several lessons because it was just too depressing.

He is not practicing. He does not care.

We're all doomed.

Monday, 1 March

I can't keep doing this.

Wednesday, 3 March

I have to do this. I'm the only experienced Occlumens we have other than Dumbledore, and if Harry doesn't learn to block the Dark Lord, all is lost.

Monday, 8 March

This journal was a bad idea. All it's doing is creating a risk to me if anyone searches my office. Harry hasn't progressed one bit since his huge backward step in the first lesson. I'm going to speak to Dumbledore about the possibility of simply eradicating Harry's memories concerning the Order.

Tuesday, 9 March

Dumbledore finds the idea of tampering with Harry's memories to be unacceptable. I don't see why; it's not as if there's anything in there worth preserving: some bad memories of his home life, which he'd be better off without; about a month's worth of practical defensive magic; a few rather amusing run-ins with Draco Malfoy. Really, nothing vital.

Monday, 15 March

More of the same. Harry's progress remains nonexistent. Only my frustration level is growing, and I'm making a concerted effort not to write about that.

Wednesday, 24 March

It's the same thing every week. I tell myself this time will be different. This time he will have practiced, this time he will pay attention, or, barring that, at least this time I will not lose my temper with him.

Fear can be a useful teaching tool, but as I mentioned before, if the boy isn't afraid of having He Who Must Not Be Named in his head, what can a mere mortal like myself do to him?

Monday, 29 March

Again, Harry made no progress, but I found an interesting memory of his. It seems Dolores Umbridge has some eccentric detention practices. The strange thing is that Harry never told anyone. Obviously not out of concern for Dolores's career. I'll have to find out if the Headmaster knows anything about this, and if not, find out why Harry was hiding it.

My first thought, of course, was that he's up to some mischief connected to his detention, but then I realized that if that were the case it would be in his best interests to prevent me from finding out by practicing his Occlumency.

On the other hand, I think we've already established that Harry Potter's motives are unfathomable.

Wednesday, 31 March

I haven't had a chance to speak to Dumbledore. He has his hands quite full dealing with Umbridge and the Ministry.

As usual, Harry has not progressed. I, however, may have made a breakthrough. I suspect that the reason he can't learn Occlumency is that he doesn't want to hide his thoughts. I believe he wants to tell someone everything he's been through.

He'll have to get over that. There are more important things at stake right now.

Monday, 6 April

UNBELIEVABLE. Umbridge has managed to get Dumbledore sacked. He also gave me strict orders not to resign in protest. All the professors and staff will be writing letters to the ministry.

This year could not possibly get any worse.

Wednesday, 8 April

That is IT. The FINAL STRAW. I am FINISHED with Potter's lessons. NOTHING is worth this. HOW can he go barging into a PENSIEVE when he knows PERFECTLY WELL what they are? The brat is ON HIS OWN.

THE END

(End notes)

I don't believe the days of the week actually match up with the real calendar dates of 1996, but we'll just have to live with that. I took these dates from the Harry Potter Lexicon, but they have done a lot more research into this than I care to do, and even they couldn't assign numbers to the first weeks of April.

Thanks to beta readers Ligia Elena and Bluecollarscholar.

Thanks to J.K. Rowling for stimulating my imagination.