Armilla

Chapter 50

I wasn't normally so fiery. But I was just so furious. How dare they? Did they all look at Snape and just see one layer? Did they all only see him as the nasty Potions Master who was rumoured to be on You Know Who's side? Did they ever stop to think that maybe it was just a façade? Did they stop to think that maybe there were reasons that I had to talk to the Slytherins? No! No, they damn well didn't! Being easily led and ridiculously gullible, they seemed to have tarred me with the same brush. That was it. I was dark apparently...or potentially dark.

"But didn't you always doubt Snape's side?" said a voice in my head. "Didn't you always view him as a nasty person?" I stopped short, thinking. It was true that when Merle was alive and Snape was just my teacher, I did always doubt his loyalty. Merle hadn't liked him much, but she had thought him trustworthy simply because Dumbledore did. But I had been exposed to Snape's spiteful and sometimes downright malicious behaviour in the classroom, and I had started to doubt just how loyal the man was to the Light side.

After Merle's death, when my true identity came to light, I had instinctively placed my trust in Snape. I trusted him now without needing to think about it. Something told me that no matter how cruel Snape could be, no matter how horrid he was to the other students, no matter how aloof he was to people in general, he was good...and that's what mattered.

But it really bothered me now that others should think so badly of him. With the façade that Snape kept up, no one ever had the chance to see anything positive about him. I was one of the few people to whom Snape let down the barrier, and because of that, it actually hurt to stand on the inside with Snape and watch the people on the outside think badly of him.

Snape, of course, knew that the majority of his students either loathed him or were terrified of him, or both. But he didn't let it bother him because they were people he didn't care about and the big picture of the Light side triumphing was more important. Snape had made his peace with that.

But I hadn't. Hermione's words kept echoing in my head and with every step it seemed like my insides got hotter with rage. If it didn't bother Snape so much, why did it bother me?

Something else was eating away at me as well. The idea of people thinking I had joined the Dark side irked me more than it probably should have. Of course I wasn't dark! And it was ridiculous that people had such a notion. It just worried me more thinking about the potential I had to be dark. My father was a Death Eater. My brother had been a Death Eater. I couldn't be full of goodness with such relations! I knew I wasn't full of goodness. Who was? A lump settled in my stomach when I thought back to the conversation I had had with Snape about Father recently. It was just after reading Father's most recent letter.

I closed the letter, feeling sick. "What was the point of writing to me?" I said angrily. "He clearly had nothing to say."

"He wants to remind you that he still exists," said Snape.

I didn't voice the thought that entered my head in response to that.

"You think it's too horrible to say?" Snape whispered. "You're not the only one who wishes the man didn't exist."

I looked up at him, aghast that I should have such dark thoughts about my own father.

"In blood only," said Snape softly.

It was true. I did have dark thoughts about my father. I did wish that the man didn't exist, just like Snape did. And Snape hadn't told me that it was wrong to have such thoughts. He had basically told me that if he had his way, Father would be gone.

If I had such thoughts about my father, did that mean I had to potential to be dark too? If the thought of causing Father pain didn't bother me, did that mean I was satisfying an urge for dark power? The thought of having the potential to be dark really bothered me to the point that I felt sick. Were the others right? Would Father's company and associating with Slytherins push me further into their world?

Not realising where I had been walking, I suddenly found myself on the stairs leading down to the dungeons. Seeing as it was Monday, I wasn't staying in the dungeons that night, but I had subconsciously made my way in that direction anyway while I had been fuming about the members of the DA.

I stopped halfway down the stairs, wondering if I should go any further. I had promised Snape that I wasn't going to restrict myself to only going to the dungeons on the agreed days. I knew that I could walk into our quarters on any day of the week and not be asked questions about why I was there.

But I couldn't share these particular thoughts with Snape. I couldn't tell him about the DA because I was in a binding magical agreement not to...and because I had my honour. I wouldn't betray them all. If I told him about my worries about being Dark, he might be offended. And he might ask why I was so concerned about such a thing all of a sudden. He wouldn't buy that the idea had just jumped into my head out of nowhere. He would demand to know what was going on.

And I couldn't tell him. I would have to keep it to myself, reminding myself that no matter how much potential I possessed to be dark, I was still on the Light side.

I turned and made my way back up the stairs. I was still so furious that if I went to see Snape, I would have to occlude to hide it and then I would be in trouble for that. Anyway, Snape was having his first Occlumency session with Harry that evening - he had enough to worry about.

I went back to the Ravenclaw common room to do some homework before dinner, thinking that was where Lisa and Terry would be. I was right; I spotted them sitting at a table near the fire, their books open on the table in front of them. Neither of them were reading or writing though. They had their chairs as close together as possible and they were holding hands, deep in conversation.

Not wanting to intrude on their time together, I turned to go up the stairs to the dorms instead. I would do my homework up there. As I went, I saw Michael Corner watching me closely, a curious expression on his face. He must be another DA member, I thought bitterly.

"Hey Mill!" Lisa called. "Where are you going?"

I turned back to see both Lisa and Terry gesturing for me to join them. Sighing, I walked over to them and sat down opposite them.

"Why were you going upstairs?" Terry asked. "Don't you have homework to do?"

"Yeah," I answered, opening my bag. "But you two need your time as well. I was going to do it upstairs."

"Don't be silly," said Lisa, pulling her books closer. "We always do our homework together."

"I know," I said, opening a bottle of ink, "but how will you two spend any time together alone?" I wasn't feeling left out or anything. I knew I had two of the best friends in the world. But they hadn't been going out very long and they needed time together.

"Just because we're going out doesn't mean you're the third wheel," said Terry, looking serious.

Lisa nodded fervently. "You're not allowed to walk past us, Mill," she said. "We'll tell Snape you've become a loner if you do."

"Like you would," I scoffed. "Funny you should mention loner though. It would seem that I've become an outsider anyway."

"How do you mean?" she asked, frowning.

I told them all about the conversation I had with Hermione. I left out my thoughts about being dark though. I didn't want to tell my friends that I had dark thoughts about my father.

Interestingly, neither of them looked surprised. They exchanged meaningful looks several times while I was telling them what Hermione had said.

"Well?" I said indignantly. "Speak up then. How many people have approached you two today about it?"

"A few," Terry said, looking distracted.

"A few?" I repeated, willing my anger to stay under control. "And what did they have to say?"

"They wanted to know why you were dancing with Slytherins," said Lisa, looking me in the eye. "And I told them that you had to because it was your father's party."

"Thankyou," I said graciously. "Anything else?"

"They wanted to know why we joined but you didn't," said Terry. "I told them that you thought it was a bit risky, especially considering that you're a teacher's sister."

"But obviously they didn't buy that," I said bitterly. "Otherwise I wouldn't have been getting strange looks from people all day."

"Look, Mill," said Lisa, leaning forward. "It was always to be expected that people would think along those lines. I mean, this is Snape, Mill. A lot of the students here don't trust him."

"And it's only natural that people would think that you've picked up a lot of things from Snape," Terry added. "He's family. You spend a lot of time with him and people think he might be influencing you."

"Some people think that he's going to make you dark, because they think he's dark," Lisa finished.

"Do you?" I said fiercely, looking from one to the other.

"No," they said in unison.

"Do you trust him?" I asked in a softer voice.

"I do," said Lisa, inclining her head.

I looked at Terry. "And you?"

"I think he would be one of the most trustworthy on our side," he said.

I stared at him. I had been hoping for a simple yes, but that was unexpected.

"I didn't trust him much a few months ago," Terry admitted, looking uncomfortable. "But I do now."

I nodded slowly. "I'm glad to hear it."

Lisa smiled. "Well, I'm glad you're staying here to do homework with us," she said cheerfully. "You can give us all the inside information on upcoming Potions lessons."

"No, I can't," I replied airily, picking up my quill. "Snape doesn't give me such information."

Terry pretended to be appalled. "Well what is the use of being friends with a teacher's sister then?" he said to Lisa. "Not very helpful is she?"

"Want me to go somewhere else then so you can snog?" I said, laughing.

Terry smirked. "It's a shame Snape won't let you date, Milly-"

He ducked as I threw some Bertie Bott's beans at him. "Don't call me Milly, you little-"

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Terry went on, as Lisa giggled. "I think that when you are allowed to date, Miss Armilla Lucia Kemp Snape...you have to use her formal title," he muttered to Lisa, "you should date someone who has never met your brother."

"Oh, ha ha," I said dryly.

"It's true though," said Lisa. "Could you imagine how the boys at this school would react if they dated you and then realised that Snape was a potential brother-in-law?"

"They'd run a mile," I muttered.

"Hope I'm around to see it if it does happen," said Terry, looking thoughtful.

"Mm," I said, flicking through my Transfiguration book. "Anyway, back to you two, you'll get some alone time without having to give me the snub at least three nights a week."

"But you only stay at Snape's on Friday nights," said Lisa, looking a bit put out. "Don't tell me you're going to live down there more often?"

"Alright," I said, shrugging. "I won't."

Lisa rolled her eyes. "No," she said. "Tell me."

"I'm staying down there on Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays," I said. "Or any other time I want to."

Lisa stared at me, looking a bit puzzled.

"Do you like staying down there?" asked Terry, looking serious again. "What kind of company is Snape? Do you play Wizard's Chess or anything?"

"No, we've never played Wizard's Chess," I said, shaking my head. "Snape's not bad company at all and I don't mind staying down there."

"Do you prefer staying down there?" asked Lisa, looking agitated.

"Don't ask something like that," I said, feeling annoyed. "It's two different worlds, really. I love it up here with you guys, you know that," I said pointedly.

"So why stay in the dungeons on days you don't have to?" Lisa pressed on. "Isn't three nights more than enough?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said heatedly.

"Nothing," said Terry, shooting Lisa a warning look.

I looked between them, taking a deep breath.

"I never said that I was going to go and live down there, did I? I know the last few months have been rough for you two as well. I suppose it's a lot to ask for my two best friends to see my brother as my brother and not one of their most hated teachers."

Lisa looked upset. "Armilla, we-"

"No," I went on, "I have to get this out. I'm not blaming you. I actually understand. If I was in your place then I would still have my doubts about Snape's ability to make someone happy."

Terry opened his mouth to argue, but I waved a hand aside and kept talking.

"Snape may be very different to your average person, but he's my brother and I l-" I stopped short as Lisa and Terry widened their eyes. They were just as shocked as I was. I had just been about to say that I...loved Snape. I had loved people before and I did still love people now, but loving Snape seemed such an abstract emotion.

But it all made sense! I must have loved him for awhile because I had been feeling a weird abstract emotion when thinking of him or being in his presence. Even before Christmas, I had felt it...and I had never been able to explain to myself what it was. I hadn't wanted to do anything to disappoint him...I was comfortable in his presence even though I had thought we had nothing in common...and missing him so terribly while I was at Father's place wasn't just because I felt secure with Snape, it was because I loved him.

Lisa and Terry were both still staring at me, their mouths slightly open.

"Erm...better get started on that essay," I said, pulling a new sheet of parchment towards me.

"Yes, definitely," said Lisa, doing likewise.

Terry nodded, disappearing behind a book.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Breakfast on Tuesday morning turned out to be quite a noisy affair. All over the Great Hall there were gasps of horror and terrified outbursts of disbelief as people unrolled their newspapers.

"There's been a mass outbreak from Azkaban!" Terry exclaimed, staring wide eyes at the front page of The Daily Prophet. He laid it down on the table for Lisa and me to see. On the front page were ten black and white photos showing the faces of the escaped prisoners.

"Antonin Dolohov, Algernon Rookwood, Bellatrix Lestrange," Terry read through the names. "Blimey...torturing Frank and Alice Longbottom...poor Neville...and apparently they're all rallying around Sirius Black."

It was sickening. As I peered at the faces and read what disgusting crimes they had committed, the dark thoughts came back into my head. I would want nothing more than to cause those people pain. I shuddered. Did that make me as bad as them?

I glanced up at the staff table. Most of the teachers looked grim. Umbridge just looked resentful, glaring at them all. My eyes automatically flew down the table to find Snape. He was drinking coffee as he opened the newspaper, a slight scowl on his face.

"This is so annoying!" said Lisa suddenly.

"What?" said Terry, not looking up from his paper.

"The Ministry will not allow us to learn Defence Against the Dark Arts, and today's paper says all these prisoners are on the loose!" she said, glaring at the newspaper. "I mean, it's all so ridiculous. Why is the Ministry in denial?"

"Because the Ministry of Magic is run by a load of fruitcakes," Terry muttered. "They all have certified degrees they cut out on the back of cereal packets."

I looked up at the staff table again in time to see Snape leaving via the door behind the table. Lessons were starting in fifteen minutes. I had double Potions up first and I wanted to wish Snape a happy birthday before everyone else came down to the dungeons. I got up, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Bit keen, aren't you?" said Terry, glancing up at me over his paper.

"I need to see Snape about something," I said airily. "I'll see you down there."

"Can't wait," Terry replied.

I hadn't told my friends that it was Snape's birthday. It was after all, information that Snape had wanted me to keep to myself.

I made my way down to the dungeons, ignoring the curious glances still being thrown my way by people I guessed to be DA members. Maybe they were wondering if I was pleased about the escaped prisoners. Dopes.

The Potions classroom was empty, so I knocked on Snape's office door instead.

"Enter," he said curtly.

I opened the door and went in. Snape was standing next to his desk, still holding The Daily Prophet. He looked up as I closed the door behind me and automatically waved his wand to secure the room from eavesdroppers.

"Hear the news?" he said sarcastically.

"I doubt there's someone who hasn't," I said dryly. "I bet Umbridge is cross."

Snape suddenly smirked. "Thankyou for finding a positive in this situation. Watching her attempt to deny this will be quite enjoyable."

I smiled. "Happy Birthday," I said softy.

"Thankyou," he replied quietly, as he threw the newspaper on his desk. 'What a day for a birthday," he said bitterly. "Death Eaters escape from Azkaban, supposedly to rally around their hero, Sirius Black." He sneered as he said Black's name.

"Where do you think they are?" I asked, seeing all the faces of all the prisoners in my mind.

Snape shook his head. "At present, I don't have much information." He gave me a significant look. "And you know I wouldn't tell you if I did know." He sneered. "Actually, I can guarantee that they are not standing on the steps of Black's house, intending to turn it into a house of worship."

"How can the Ministry deny it now?" I said, "after what's on the front page?"

"Well, you see, the ministry is run by an incredible team of half-brained twits," said Snape maliciously, glaring down at the newspaper on his desk. If the subject wasn't so serious I would have laughed. Terry had pretty much said the same thing.

"This calls for another decree," he went on, sneering. "Umbridge isn't going to appreciate the staff and students talking about this all day."

"It might distract Dumbledore from getting you a novelty cake," I pointed out.

"You would think," he grumbled. "He bewitched my coffee so that the foam on top spelled out happy birthday...after every drink."

"That's a shame," I said, controlling my urge to laugh.

"Indeed," he said, picking up a pile of homework from last term to return to my Potions class. "Are you intending to come down to the dungeons after classes today or after dinner?"

"After classes," I replied, following him to the door.

"Alright then, we'll look at your homework this afternoon and then go up to Dumbledore's office to see Mother after dinner. He told me it will be available at seven-thirty."

"Okay," I said, as Snape waved his wand to take down the wards and open the door. After sealing his office door, we made our way to the classroom. We reached it just as Lisa and Terry appeared from the other direction.

"Mr Boot, Miss Turpin," said Snape, nodding at each of them curtly as he opened the classroom door. "Have pleasant holidays?"

Both looked too shocked to answer at once. I was surprised too. Besides threatening them to behave and act wisely in my presence, Snape generally said as little as possible to my friends.

"Fine, Professor," said Terry finally, as Lisa nodded. "How were yours?"

"Can't complain," said Snape airily, as we followed him into the classroom. "But then," he said, sneering at Terry, "I wasn't given a mooing alarm clock."

Terry certainly hadn't been expecting such a reply. He looked like he wasn't sure whether Snape was showing his disapproval of such a gift or just mocking him for the sake of it.

At that moment, a few more Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs wandered in and my friends and I went to our bench to unpack our ingredients and Snape went to his desk, his expression returning to his usual classroom sneer.

As usual, Snape didn't have to ask the class to settle down. As soon as the bell went, the classroom was dead silent. Snape seemed to demand respect by his mere presence.

"I hope this first lesson of the term marks a renewal in effort towards Potions for many of you," said Snape, his black eyes sweeping around the room. "The standard I expect seems to be lost on some members of this class," he said as he gestured to the pile of homework sitting on his desk. He came around desk and picked up the pile. "Your mark will reflect how much time you need to add to your current study schedule for Potions. I do possess the hope that most of you have at least half a brain...I am not so optimistic about your ability to use it if the last homework collection was anything to go by."

I could have sworn that half the class was white with fear that their marks would be low. Snape never lost the opportunity to intimidate his students.

"While I return this homework," he went on, "you are to prepare to brew the Invigoration Draught. The instructions are on the board. Pay extra attention to steps nine and ten...it would seem that many of you do not understand the meaning of counter clockwise. Begin."

I noticed that the hands of many Hufflepuffs shook as they got out their ingredients. Some people glanced over at me as they went about lighting cauldrons or fetching ingredients from the storeroom. Most of them were looks of pity, as if none of them would have traded places with me for the world. Ah well, so be it. What did they know?

Snape came by and dropped our homework on our bench without a word or even making eye contact with any of us. I was relieved to see that I had gotten an Outstanding. If I hadn't, I was sure Snape would have had me rewrite it as many times as it took for it to be worthy of an Outstanding. Lisa and Terry also got Outstandings, but that was expected. They had gotten the idea that any friends of Snape's sister had to do remarkably well in his class.

o o o o o o o o o o o o

That afternoon after classes, I headed down to the dungeons again to go to our quarters. Before I could descend the stairs to the dungeons, I was called back by a sickly sweet girly voice.

"Hem, hem."

I turned around to stare into one of the ugliest faces known to humankind. Professor Umbridge, though looking a bit flustered, seemed triumphant, as if she had caught me red-handed committing an odious crime.

"Yes, Professor?" I said politely.

"You are a Ravenclaw student, Miss Snape, and there is no need for you to be in the dungeons," she said sweetly, rocking back and forth on her heels.

"I am going to see Professor Snape, Professor," I said. I really didn't have the time to deal with a blithering idiot. "A prearranged visit," I added, when Umbridge looked like she might argue.

"This is a school, Miss Snape, not a family home," said Umbridge, her voice getting higher. "Professor Snape is paid to teach the students here and to be Head of Slytherin House. It is not your place to be running down to the dungeons after classes on a weekday to see him. The other students do not have the privilege of seeing their parents or guardians everyday and I don't see why you think you deserve that right."

Excuse me? Did I just say blithering idiot? I meant pig-headed dingbat.

"Now," said Umbridge, sweetly. "Return to Ravenclaw Tower where you belong."

There was nothing I could do but obey. Umbridge had the idea these days that a student could be expelled at the drop of a hat.

I walked back upstairs to Ravenclaw Tower, my anger at an all time peak. It seemed to be the dominant emotion of the week so far for me. I went all the way up to my empty dorm and sat down on my bed, making sure the coast was clear before I closed the curtains around me and pulled out my chocolate frog card.

I need to find an alternative route down to the dungeons.

Oh I'm sorry. Is the current route not scenic enough for you? Why aren't you down here yet?

I ran into Umbridge and she wouldn't let me come down to you. I told her it was prearranged but she didn't care. She said you are paid to teach and be the Head of Slytherin, and I shouldn't think that just because you are here, I have the privilege to come down to the dungeons on a weekday to see you.

I see. I'll have a word with the Headmaster about that. In the meantime, I'll charm this card again to transport you down here.

I quickly stuffed my schoolbag in my wardrobe and waited until the words on the card changed to name our quarters in the dungeons. Once they did, I pressed my index finger to the card and I disappeared from the room. Like it had the last time I travelled via the card, it felt slightly like a portkey experience...not entirely pleasant.

I landed with a thud in our sitting room and I felt Snape's arms reach out to steady me.

"I think Umbridge is having a bad day," I muttered, as he released me.

"She's insane," Snape said, sneering as he sat down at the table. "I'll have to sort it out with Dumbledore. Go and get your books."

We spent an hour going over the work from two days and devising a study plan for the work to come. All in all, it seemed as if Snape would have me more than prepared by the time it came to sit my OWLs. He seemed to know an awful lot about the subjects he didn't teach, but didn't speak about them as passionately as he did when talking about Potions. He didn't really have the chance to talk passionately about Defence Against the Dark Arts. He fumed the whole time he looked through the work I had done so far that year. According to him, summarising a textbook was not effective learning. I was sure that the rest of the students in the school would have agreed with him.

Seeing as it was his birthday, Snape decided to dine in our quarters rather than go to the Great Hall. I hoped that Umbridge wouldn't notice the absence of both of us.

"So how did it go teaching Harry Occlumency yesterday?" I asked, as we were eating dinner.

Snape sneered. "As I expected it to...even without his arrogance, Potter is a dreadful student."

"Then how is it that he does so well in Defence?" I asked.

"How do you know that he does well in Defence?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged. "It's just common knowledge. Everyone knows that."

"It's luck," Snape replied, turning back to his meal, sneering. "Potter's never done an honest day's work in his life."

I said no more. I didn't feel like defending Harry at the moment. I wouldn't win anyway and I didn't care.

After dinner, I gave Snape his birthday present.

"Ah, is this the amusing birthday gift?" he asked, taking the wrapped gift from me and sitting on the sofa.

"That depends if you find it amusing," I answered, sitting down next to him. "I might have failed dismally."

"Well, let's see then," he said, undoing the packaging. "I have a feeling that it is a book...that'll get you extra credit."

"Cutting Remarks: Dealing with Dunderheads," he read out, smirking at the title. He smiled down at me. "Are you trying to say my cutting remarks need improvement?"

"Not at all," I replied. "You definitely had people shaking today. I thought the book might provide even more inspiration."

The book was full of quotes for different situations, such as education, sport, household, media and current affairs.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it," Snape read as he paused in a section on things to say to a host or hostess. "May I converse with your drinking glass? I feel it understands me better than you." He gave a short laugh. "Excellent."

"Does it qualify under amusing?" I asked, smiling.

Snape nodded, clearly absorbed in the book. "This is going to distract me from marking homework, you know," he muttered. "As a child you had a good brain. Pity you traded it with a mule. I could use that." He looked up from the book. "Thankyou, Armilla."

"I'm not so sure now," I replied. "I don't want to be responsible for students being told they have mule's brains."

"Fine, I won't use it," he scoffed, turning back to the book. "What about That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting?"

"Oh dear," I said.

Snape smiled, flicking through the pages. "What about We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault?"

I shook my head. "Can I have that back?" I asked. "I'll get you something nicer."

Snape laughed. "Certainly not. I've got to memorise all these."