Armilla

Chapter 39

I barely remembered making my way down to the breakfast room for dinner. My mind was so deeply engaged in what Docky had just revealed. The song had certainly awoken an old buried memory for Snape. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring had been just one of many songs that Mother had played for him as a small child. But as a three-year-old child, Snape had been insistent that his mother play only this song for him. He would have no other.

What irked me more was that I had always loved playing the song more than any other. It had always given me an unexplainable sense of joy. Snape had admitted that he didn't find pleasure in music, but he evidently had a long time ago. I wondered if Snape had tried to stop his mother playing in an attempt to stop Father yelling at her. The whole ordeal made my chest feel tight; my heart was feeling something I hadn't felt before...

I was nervous about seeing Snape at dinner. It was weird circumstances in which he had left before. He had seemed pretty intent on wanting to be alone, but he hadn't seemed angry at all. Even so, I didn't know whether to mention the gift or pretend that it had never happened.

My presence in the breakfast room was announced by the sound of Docky's jingle bells, as he preceded me into the room. Snape looked up from where he was seated at the head of the table.

"I do think we've had enough bells for one day, Docky," he said, sneering slightly.

"Jingle bells bring Christmas spirit, Master Severus," Docky squeaked, shaking his head to emphasise the noise.

Snape closed his eyes in annoyance, pursing his lips. I would have bet ten galleons that he was trying to find a good argument in favour of hexing the elf.

Docky suddenly fell over, having shaken his head so vigorously that he had become dizzy. Snape opened his eyes and heaved a great sigh, shaking his head now.

"Why don't you put them away for next year, Docky," I said, when Docky stood up again, stumbling slightly.

"Or bury them," Snape muttered.

Docky blinked. "Put them away Miss Armilla?" he asked. "Do you think Docky has jingled enough for one day?"

"I do," I said, trying not to laugh.

"Personally, I think you have...jingled...enough for a lifetime," said Snape, glaring at the elf as he picked up his knife and fork.

"Yes, Master Severus," said Docky, bowing deeply. "Docky won't jingle again unless you request it."

Snape scoffed.

Docky gave him a broad smile. "Docky will return to the kitchen now, Master Severus."

"Yes, that would be prudent," Snape replied, picking up his wine glass.

Docky bowed again and flounced from the room.

We ate in silence for several minutes. I didn't want to bring up the situation from before, and the only other issue on my mind was my increasing nerves about the next day. I didn't really want to bring that up either. Snape knew I was nervous, but I didn't want to complain about something that would only last until New Year's Day, when I could return to Snape again. Snape had endured a whole childhood of my father after all, not a week.

"I think we should discuss the forthcoming week," said Snape finally. "I said earlier that you will use your owl to communicate trivial things to me. I have no doubt that Father will expect us to communicate, so it will not be a problem if he sees you using your owl."

I nodded.

"You are to carry the chocolate frog card on you at all times. That is very important. If it is possible, only send me updates late at night when you are sure that Father and Jiffy have gone to bed. I have charmed the card anyway so that it will repel unwelcome people viewing it. Even so, only send me messages during the day if it is really necessary."

He paused and gave me a stern look. "Though I will expect to hear from you every night and there will be trouble if you don't."

Again, I just nodded. I was starting to feel queasy now, and my dinner didn't seem so inviting anymore.

"And in extraordinary circumstances," Snape continued, watching my closely, "I hope you are still wearing that pearl?"

"I am," I said quietly.

He nodded. "Good. Then we will talk about this...gathering Father is having for you." His expression became most ill-natured.

Not wanting any more food, I put my knife and fork down, meeting my brother's gaze.

"Father will have invited only pureblood witches and wizards of course," he said, his black eyes glittering. "I have no doubt that they will all be extremely interested in you."

Queasy...oh so nauseous.

"I daresay that Father will not let you out of his sight while there are so many wizards around," Snape went on, his tone very measured. "But in any case, stay within his sight for the whole evening..."

Suddenly understanding the point that Snape was trying to make, my stomach lurched and I was glad that I hadn't eaten more.

"What if he gives orders for me to go elsewhere?" I asked timidly.

Snape frowned. "I doubt that he would," he said thoughtfully. "Not while there are so many people around. He would want to keep track of you at all times. But if he does, you will have your wand to defend yourself...in case a situation arises where you need to defend yourself."

I thought I did quite well to conceal the horror that I felt inside from my face. I did not want to go tomorrow...I did not want to go...

"You have to be on your guard at all times," he went on, "especially when it comes to my role. As far as you know, I am a double-agent for the Dark Lord. You will be occluding the whole time you are there of course. It will be emotionally tiring to do that, but certainly necessary."

I nodded, the intense feeling in my stomach not getting any weaker.

"On the bright side," said Snape, putting his own knife and fork down, "hopefully the days will pass quickly. I will come and collect you on New Year's Day and then you won't have to worry about seeing Father again until the summer."

New Year's Day seemed so far away right now and all I wanted was for it to arrive.

"Are you going back to Hogwarts tomorrow?" I asked. I wouldn't see the inside of Hogwarts until the New Year.

He shook his head. "Perhaps the day after," he said. "I have some business to attend to in the meantime."

Business? For the Order? For You-Know-Who? I knew it was certainly not my place to ask.

"I do hope you are going to finish your meal," said Snape, looking pointedly at my half-finished plate of food.

"No," I said quietly. "I'm not hungry."

He stared at me, his black eyes fixed on mine.

"I would prefer it if you ate more, but I suppose it is understandable," he said finally. He stood up. "Come."

I had been expecting to spend the night alone in my room. I knew from my time staying in Snape's quarters at Hogwarts that he never felt the need to entertain me. That proved we were family. He generally left me to myself unless we had things to talk about.

I followed him out of the room, down the corridor and into the sitting room where we had practised duelling and Occlumency once before. As soon as I entered I drew my wand in case Snape was planning a surprise attack.

Snape didn't draw his however, but when he turned and saw mine in my hand he gave a small smile.

"Ah, I've certainly taught you well," he said, sitting down on a sofa. "I wasn't planning on another lesson tonight...or a sudden attack," he gave me a pointed look, "so you may put your wand away and come and sit down."

I complied, wondering what Snape wanted to talk about. He suddenly seemed a bit disconcerted, as he had been earlier when I had played for him. This anxious expression only lasted a split second though, for a moment later it was replaced with a more familiar frown. He now seemed angry about something and I suddenly started racking my brains for what I could have done to offend him in the last few minutes.

"The reason for what I am going to say," Snape began, his eyes narrowed slightly, "is that I am ardently avoiding branding myself a hypocrite."

What the? Hypocrite? Alright, maybe this wasn't going to be about something I had done...hmm, strange...

Though he still seemed ill-tempered, Snape showed a small sign of discomfort as he shifted slightly on the sofa.

"I made it very clear to you recently that I want nothing but honesty," he went on, his tone quite hard. "In that, I meant you are not to hide even little anxieties from me just because you might feel that they are not worth my notice." He paused, scowling slightly.

Oh...maybe this was about me then...but I hadn't hidden anything from him today...well maybe an upset stomach at dinner...nothing to lecture me about...but why the hypocrite talk? Now it was my turn to shift uncomfortably.

"Therefore," he continued, "I feel it is only logical that when it comes to our relationship, I should be honest with you as well."

Okay, now it was undoubtedly about him. This was certainly interesting. Snape didn't tell me everything about his life for good reason: it was too dangerous. But otherwise I had just assumed that he was always honest with me. He wasn't one for making up sensationalised tales to protect people.

"For that reason, I believe I owe you an apology," he said in a low, but very clear voice.

I had a sudden urge to pinch myself. I must be dreaming. I could have sworn that Snape had just said he owed me an apology!

"You couldn't," I said incredulously.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"I...don't see how..." Stop talking, Armilla. Let the man finish.

"I left your bedroom rather hastily before, after I had asked you to play," he said. "It was rather discourteous on my part and an insult to your performance."

Now I couldn't believe my ears. Snape, who probably made it his mission to insult every student who entered Hogwarts at least once, was admitting to rudeness...in his own eloquent way.

I shrugged. "It was only average playing anyway," I said. "I hadn't played in a long time."

Snape shook his head. "No, it wasn't average playing, and I think you know that underneath. You possess more talent than you realise. However, I would not mention this gift to Father."

Yes, now I was most certainly dreaming. An apology and a compliment in the one conversation? Impossible!

"Why did you choose to play that particular song?" Snape asked in a low voice.

"It's always been my favourite," I replied honestly. "Though I think you're the first person I've ever played it for."

"Oh I'm flattered," he said, smirking slightly. I smiled at his jibe.

"Though," I went on, thinking that saying what I felt about this was necessary, "I wouldn't have played it if I had known..." hmm, how to finish that sentence...think, think... "if I had known it was something you didn't particularly wish to hear." Yes, that would do.

Snape considered this for a moment, frowning slightly.

"I never said I didn't wish to hear it," he said. "I hadn't heard it in such a long time...I suppose hearing it again caught me by surprise." He suddenly glared at me suspiciously. "What gave you the impression that I didn't wish to hear it?"

I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to cause trouble for Docky. His bells had already irritated Snape enough for one day. As it turned out, I didn't need to answer. As usual, Snape put two and two together.

"Ah...Docky," he said in a hard voice.

"Don't blame Docky," I said quickly.

"You like that damn elf, don't you?" he sneered, folding his arms.

"I do," I said evenly.

Snape shook his head. "Well, what is past is past," he said. "I did associate a bad memory with that song and as a result I have lost any interest I might have once possessed in music."

"I won't play it again," I said quietly. "I don't want to cause things like that."

"No," said Snape harshly, "that is no reason for you to stop playing it. What did I tell you before about conquering bad memories?" He paused and gave me a hard look. "I do hope that now you might consider taking up playing again for your own sake."

"Maybe," I said quietly.

"If you enjoy it, there is no reason now to stop. I stopped listening about thirty-three years ago, but Mother never stopped playing."

I nodded.

"And so I am sorry that I left you so quickly after you finished," he finished, standing up. "It was not a reflection on your playing, but merely on my own issues." He looked down at me with a stern expression. "Is that alright?"

"Yes," I said, standing up too.

Snape nodded curtly. "Good. Come with me then."

I followed him out of the room and into his potions lab. The atmosphere reminded me very much of the dungeons at Hogwarts. Snape unlocked a cupboard with his wand and selected a light blue milky potion from one of the shelves. He picked up a glass from a nearby table and poured a small amount into it.

"Here," he said, holding the glass out to me, "drink this."

I took the glass from him, but hesitated before I drank it. "What is it?" I asked.

"It's the alternative to eating your dinner," he said simply, resealing the bottle and placing it back on the shelf. "I told you a long time ago that you were to eat every meal I gave you." He fixed me with a stern look.

I thought back to the time when he had told me that. It seemed like ages and ages ago. I had skipped a meal in favour of searching for Emiliana McGonagall or a puddle or something...

"I understand that the prospect of food is not attractive to you when you are thinking about tomorrow," Snape went on, "but that does not mean that you can skip a meal." His tone told me that he was not going to relent on this issue. "That potion will provide you with the necessary supplements that your dinner would have...and it won't make you want to be sick," he added as an afterthought.

I stared at him. Gosh, the man was stubborn. It was only one meal. Better not let him know that I often skipped breakfast in favour of sleeping in...

Snape gave me a pointed look. "Well?" he said silkily.

I couldn't help glaring at him before I downed the potion. It tasted a bit like Pepper-Up potion; certainly not the nicest drink in the world.

"Don't look at me like that," said Snape harshly, taking the glass from my hand. "Did you even notice that the feeling in your stomach that prevented you eating dinner is now gone?"

He was right. The potion had fixed that too. He just loved being right.

"Yes," I said quietly. "Thankyou."

Snape merely grunted as he closed the cupboard door.

"I need to contact Dumbledore now," he said, moving into his study. "You are excused."

I left the room and went back upstairs. I didn't know why, but my eyes were stinging with tears as I walked into my bedroom. Sometimes I couldn't even justify my feelings to myself.

I felt no inclination to sit down at the piano again tonight. Once was enough for today and I had a feeling the tears would come out if I started playing again.

It was too early to go to bed, but there was nothing that I wanted to do. I was only going to get distracted, no matter what I did. I couldn't help feeling depressed about having to go to Father's house the next day. Snape wasn't the most exciting or friendliest person in the world, but I felt safe with him. The prospect of going to Father's house made me feel as if I was stepping outside an aura of security I had subconsciously made in my mind after spending so much time with my brother.

I took a shower and made sure all my things were in order for tomorrow. I made sure Morag had food and water and spent some time stroking her feathers, lost in thought.

Finally, at eight o'clock, I fell into bed, feeling absolutely exhausted. It had been a long day and I wanted very much to sleep. But if I fell asleep, the next time I would be awake would be the day I had to go to Father's house. As immature as it sounded, I didn't want to fall asleep because I didn't want the next day to come. It didn't help that I was already in bed, because my eyes kept closing of their own accord.

Half an hour later I was still awake though, and feeling very sleepy. I could hear Morag hooting very softly from her position on top of my desk at the other side of the room. It was such a thoughtful gift. Snape had certainly been thinking for awhile about getting Morag for me. It was nice to have a pet of my own.

Just as I felt myself drifting off again, the door to my bedroom opened slightly and Snape came in. He obviously hadn't been expecting my room to be in darkness already because a moment later, I saw a faint glow coming from his wand as he made his way over to my bed.

"This is early for you," he said. "I take it you found nothing to do to keep your mind off things?"

"Yes," I admitted. "I was tired."

"I know. Tired and miserable?"

I was glad the only light in the room was the very faint glow coming from Snape's wand because when he said those words, the tears welled up in my eyes again. I didn't want him to see, not after he had gone to so much trouble to make Christmas a nice day.

Unfortunately, he must have seen, because a moment later he sat down next to me, his face unfathomable.

"I did tell you this morning that I might allow you to be depressed tonight," he said quietly. "I do not pretend that you are not about to face a hardship, Armilla."

I wiped away a tear, trying to blink away others that were threatening to fall.

"I can say with sincerity though," he went on, politely ignoring my tears, "that I feel you will cope well once you are there. At the moment your anxiety stems from the pressure of the past few weeks and fear of the unknown. It may seem like you are nearly at the climax of what we have been preparing for."

Snape had told me that he didn't use Legilimency on me. But since I had let my guard down whilst in his company, he could certainly read me like a book. And I was certain he could do that now without using any magic.

"You may find that you will have a much easier time than you are anticipating at the moment. Or you could face a number of difficult situations."

I swallowed, willing the lump in my throat to go away.

Snape reached over and placed his hand over my left so that the tips of his fingers touched my bracelet. The warmth I felt was no longer startling or uncomfortable, but comforting.

"Either way, no matter how isolated you might feel during the next week, do not for one second assume that you are alone in all this," he said softly.

I used my right hand to wipe away another tear. He always chose my most vulnerable moments to talk like this...

"After all," he said, smirking slightly, "I don't particularly want to leave you there tomorrow. I would rather you return to Hogwarts with me."

"If the Dark Lord wasn't around anymore...wouldn't there be a way to prove that Father isn't a suitable parent?" I asked. I knew it was a bit of a silly question and there was no point in asking a question like that now. Snape didn't scoff at it, but his expression did grow hard.

"Oh I assure you," he said. "If the Dark Lord became no more tomorrow, I would make it my mission to have you removed from my father's grasp forever and have you completely in my custody." He paused, looking down at me fixedly. "But to attempt something like that now would be extremely dangerous and utterly foolish for all of us. Father is also held in high esteem by the Dark Lord."

I nodded my understanding. Snape was doing the best he could. I didn't think I would be able to fathom the amount of stress the whole situation would give him.

Morag started hooting from her position at the other side of the room.

Snape glanced over his shoulder, squinting into the darkness.

"Is that noise going to keep you awake? If so we'll find another place to keep her."

"No," I said quickly, wiping my eyes with my right hand. "I like having her in here."

Snape nodded. "A suitable gift then?"

I nodded. "I couldn't have asked for better," I said softly. I hesitated for a moment, wanting to ask something else.

Snape sighed, letting go of my left hand. "Yes? What is it?"

"Docky..."

He gave a grim smile. "Ah. You're going to ask me not to chastise him about giving you details about something when it was not his place to?"

I gave a watery smile. "Something along those lines, yes."

"Indeed. I'll consider it, but I make no promises."

"He cares about you, you know."

Snape scoffed. "A little too much at times. I told him last year that if he ever gave me a musical birthday card again I would give him clothes."

I stifled a laugh. At least that brought an end to the tears.

Snape gave me a half-hearted glare. "Glad you found that so amusing."

"Would you really give him clothes?"

"No, I suppose not...though sometimes I do entertain that thought. He's been with the family so long." He narrowed his eyes at me. "But now I believe that you wouldn't forgive me if I did let him go."

"In my defence, he's not a bad elf," I said.

"No...just even more irritating than your average Gryffindor."

I didn't really find the Gryffindors that irritating. I got on well with a couple of the girls from that house in my year. But I thought it would change Snape's mood to downright nasty if I said so. Hating Gryffindors seemed to be a pastime of his.

"When is your birthday?" I asked. I hadn't actually thought about that before. I hoped it was a long way off so I wouldn't have to spend hours trying to think up a suitable present again.

"January ninth," he replied.

Damn. From what he had said before about not listening to music for thirty-three years, I assumed that he was turning thirty-six soon. He was twenty and a half years older than I.

"Keep that to yourself though," he said. "I generally try to have it pass unnoticed."

"You don't receive chocolate stars then?" I asked with a small smile. It was strange how I couldn't find a way to distract myself from moping before. Talking to Snape seemed to do it.

Snape sneered at the thought. "No, but Dumbledore does remember every year. Last year he ordered a rainbow ice cream cake for the staffroom. I have yet to forgive him for that."

I smiled, succeeding in not laughing this time. That would have been embarrassing for him.

"What time do we have to be there tomorrow?" I asked.

"Father sent me a letter earlier," he answered, scowling like he always did when thinking of Father. "He has decided to go visiting in the morning, but he will be expecting you at midday. As far as I know, you will be having Christmas lunch with him tomorrow afternoon."

"How are we getting there?"

"This house is not connected to the Floo Network. We will take the carriage to the edge of the forest and then disapparate. If we leave here at about eleven-thirty we should have plenty of time."

I started feeling low again. This was really happening. That dreaded time was coming so soon.

"Time to sleep now," said Snape softly, "not time to think about tomorrow."

I nodded. I waited for him to get up and leave like he had done last night. But he made no move to leave. I supposed he was going to stay until I fell asleep again, like he had done the night I had had a bad dream.

Snape seemed to be waiting for something. He raised an eyebrow. "You do remember how to sleep don't you? Close your eyes. Wait-" He turned slightly at glanced towards the foot of the bed. "You remembered to take your shoes off didn't you?"

"Yes," I said, feeling a little exasperated. He was never going to let that go...

"Well then, close your eyes." He laid his hand over my left hand again.

I closed my eyes, wondering if Snape was going to use a charm like he had last time.

He didn't. He just sat there and waited until I drifted off...

o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Eleven-thirty came too soon the next morning. Snape had spent the morning providing more distractions in an attempt to limit my anxiety. He even made a point of not insulting Docky once while we were eating breakfast. We spent a couple of hours walking around the extensive grounds in the snow and Snape took particular pride in showing me inside his greenhouse, where he grew all sorts of herbs and things he required for complex potions. I imagined that Snape's extensive range of plants far outweighed even Professor Sprout's collection.

When the dreaded moment finally came, we put on our cloaks, gloves and scarves. Snape shrank my bag and Morag's cage. He said he would send Morag later in the day.

I bid Docky goodbye and got into the carriage with Snape, my anxiety at an all time peak. I did feel like I could handle whatever life threw at me in the next week, but my nerves were there just the same.

Snape kept his sarcastic remarks to a minimum, an extraordinary feat in my opinion. But for once, he wasn't silent for the duration of the trip. I think he kept talking to me to distract himself from his anxiety as well as mine.

When we arrived at the edge of the forest, my heart started thumping at an alarming rate. I tripped on the last step when I got out of the carriage. Luckily Snape had gotten out first and caught my arm to stop me falling.

"Thanks," I mumbled, starting to feel queasy again.

Snape didn't answer. He didn't let go. He slid his gloved hand down so that he was holding mine and together we walked the short distance to the forest clearing in silence. When there was nothing left to do but disapparate, I held onto Snape's hand more tightly, preparing myself.

Snape didn't seem ready to go. "Wait," he said quietly. "Do you remember all the instructions I have given you?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything else you need to know before we go?"

I shook my head.

"You have the chocolate frog card on you?"

"Yes."

"Very well-" He paused, looking down at me closely, his black eyes like two dark tunnels. He took my other hand, preparing to disapparate. "Good luck."