Armilla

Chapter 31

With my own school timetable as well as extra lessons with Snape, the days seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, it was early December and though it was bitterly cold outside, there was a warming spirit within the castle as Christmas was approaching.

I was sorry to say that the spirit had done nothing to warm me at all. If anything, I felt colder than I ever had.

The last few weeks had gone by in a blur. I hadn't spent any more nights sleeping in Snape's quarters after the reaction to the potion, but I had spent some time down there practising defence charms when we weren't using his office. I had attained a whole new range of skills, some of which still needed improvement. Thankfully, I hadn't been bad enough to try Snape's patience too much.

Generally when we were alone, it was for extra lessons and so he was always in a 'business as usual' mood. I had gotten used to his company and I supposed he had to have gotten used to mine. Being in his company wasn't like it was in class though. We weren't affectionate with each other at all, but when we were alone, he tone wasn't so biting.

Privately, I thought his sarcasm was what kept him going, as he regularly used it, most especially when he was displeased or in a particularly bad mood. Before I had known he was my brother, I had thought him to always be in a bad mood. But as I continued to spend time with him, I came to recognise indications of his mood level. Sarcasm was present no matter what his mood, but if he was only using it to get me annoyed (like referring to puddle dreams) rather than take out his anger, I knew he wasn't in a bad mood.

Father had only sent back a brief reply to my letter, informing me that he accepted my apology and hoped for a rapid improvement in my decorum, especially whilst in the presence of those he considered important. When I had given the letter to Snape (who had requested I give him all letters I received from Father and insisted we write all responses to him together) he sneered and mumbled something like "dim-witted fool" under his breath.

I had only come into face-to-face contact with Malfoy twice since receiving Father's letter. Both times I had said very little, but had been so polite it was sickening. Every time I saw Malfoy, I thought of the substance that had sprayed out at me from Father's letter and it took a lot of self-control not to curse the snotty-faced toerag.

I had made an agreement with Dumbledore to visit my mother on Sunday mornings, as long as I didn't need to spend any extra time with Snape. I liked visiting her without Snape because it didn't seem so forced and formal. I would often spend a couple of hours with her, laughing at stories of funny things she had done at school or basically anything that had happened before she was married. I noticed she was careful to avoid the painful topic of her married life. Likewise, I purposefully steered clear of any conversation involving going to stay with Father after Christmas.

The dread I felt about that was buried firmly at the pit of my stomach. I didn't talk to anyone about it, not Snape, not Dumbledore, not my friends, no one. On the days when I felt especially terrified about it, I was on my guard with the steel arm more than ever, for fear of Snape discovering the fact that I was fretting about it.

Though the prospect absolutely terrified me, I was determined to maintain a confident façade for Snape's sake. He had a lot more to deal with than I did. He had a crucial double-agent role, a demanding teaching role, a mentoring-Slytherins role and now a help-protect-sister-from-malicious-father role. So he had a lot on his plate.

Every now and then I couldn't help feeling guilty about having discovered the truth in the first place. I knew that was silly, but I couldn't help thinking that I had only added to the man's burdens. And the only feeling that I buried further in my stomach, below the feeling of being near my father, was the horrid feeling that if given the choice, Snape probably wished he hadn't found out about me being his sister. Hadn't he said that he didn't want to 'play happy families'? We weren't exactly a happy family at the moment anyway, but sometimes I felt like I was another trouble in his life.

So I was resolved to keep to myself as much as possible, keeping my steel arm guard up and trying to remain only a small burden in Snape's eyes. It he had noticed my increased quietness or constant usage of the steel arm, he hadn't said anything about it and I was glad.

Lisa had taken another few days to become herself again, and had actually apologised to me for calling Snape a git. I didn't tell her that Snape had commented on it later. It was hard enough for both my friends to deal with being best friends with Snape's sister. Personally, I thought the improvement in Lisa's mood had come from increased attention from Terry, who seemed to spend any spare time by her side. I was glad for them both, being so happy in each other's company, but it constantly reminded me that I was restricted from having such attentions whilst still at school.

Another thing on my mind was Merle's death. When I was giving Lisa and Terry time together and was working by myself, my thoughts often drifted to her smiling face. Every time I saw it in my mind, I was hit with the thought that I would not be returning to her this year for Christmas. We wouldn't be sitting by the fire together with Matilda and her family on Christmas Eve. We wouldn't go shopping together for new clothes before going back to school. I wouldn't be falling asleep on her bed after staying up all night talking to her. She was gone. Sometimes I wouldn't even realise that my face was wet until I went to the bathroom and the mirror would tell me that I looked positively dreadful.

I knew it was childish to dwell on such things. I should be grateful that Merle was not in any pain. I did have someone to care for me after all. I just had trouble trying to convince myself that Snape didn't begrudge his new role that much.

So, with worrying about Snape, my mother, my father and Merle, I didn't have spirits as high as others when December rolled around.

Thankfully, my marks hadn't dropped at all. If anything, they were better than ever. Some people ate a lot when they were stressed, some cleaned, some cooked and some took to screaming in rooms warded with silencing spells. The more stressed I was, the more I would study in an attempt to keep my mind off things. Suddenly I was getting an O in subjects I normally scraped Es in. I knew Snape was monitoring my marks, but I thought he assumed my higher marks were a result of an effort to keep Father's curses at bay. And I was glad to let him think that.

It was a Friday afternoon in the first week of December when I was suddenly hit with another, admittedly rather trivial trouble.

Terry, Lisa and I were in the common room, finishing off that week's homework and as we were piling our books back into our bags, the conversation turned to Christmas activities.

"I going home as usual," Terry said, yawning. "My gran and pop are coming this year, so Mum will have a grand old feast for us all. Dad's already hinted that he's been pricing a new broomstick for me!"

Terry was not the best flier in the world (and he still hadn't forgiven me for outdoing him as chaser in a friendly Quidditch game back in third year), but he certainly did love it.

"I'm going home too," said Lisa, zipping up her bag. "My brother and sister-in-law are coming home for Christmas and then we're going on holiday to Denmark until I have to come back to Hogwarts."

"Denmark?" said Terry. "Gee, you're lucky. I think I'm staying home the whole holidays."

They both looked at me.

"You're welcome at my place for Christmas you know, Mill," said Lisa.

"Mine too," said Terry. "But I somehow doubt Snape will let you out of his sight outside Hogwarts...I mean, until you have to go to your dad's place."

"Thanks," I said. "But I'm staying here for Christmas and I'm really grateful for that at the very least. I don't want to spend Christmas Day with my father."

"But it will be a bit lonely here all by yourself," said Lisa, looking concerned. "Are you sure Snape wouldn't let you come to my place?"

"I'm sure," I said. "He'll want to use any extra time to do last minute practice on everything he's taught me." I forced a smile. I really would have loved to go to Lisa's place. "I'll be fine," I said. "I'll restrict my studying since it is Christmas Day and just sleep in or something. Then I'll go down to the feast; there's meant to be a great Christmas feast on that Dumbledore hosts. I'll probably be so full that I'll just sleep the afternoon away and before I know it I'll be at my father's place."

Lisa nodded, biting her lip. Terry had taken to playing with the strap on his school bag, his face grim. I stooped down and zipped my own bag up, intending to take it up to my dorm.

"Hey, at least you have lovely presents from us to look forward to!" Lisa suddenly said, her eyes shining.

"Of course," said Terry, grinning. "Done your shopping yet?"

"Nope," I replied. "I haven't been to Hogsmeade. I missed the last weekend, remember?"

"Ah, so you did. Never mind, there's always Owl Order." Terry's eyes suddenly grew wide.

"Are you and Snape...er...exchanging...gifts on Christmas Day?"

Oh no. I had been thinking about so many other things that Christmas and presents had been the last thing on my mind.

"Judging by how pale you've gone, I'd say clearly not," said Terry, looking quite uneasy.

"I have absolutely no idea!" I exclaimed. "What should I do? Get him something anyway? It's not as if I can go striding down to the dungeons and say 'Oy! Are you gonna give me a present?' I mean, we've only known that we're related for about six weeks."

"Well, are you two actually spending Christmas together?" asked Lisa. "You might only see each other at the feast and that will be that."

I shook my head. "I have no idea."

I hadn't actually entertained the thought of spending the entire day with Snape and quite frankly, I was sure he wouldn't want that either. Neither of us would be that comfortable. I couldn't even visualise a Christmas morning with Snape, opening presents and being cheery. As much as I respected the man, the Christmas season didn't seem to suit his persona.

"I think you should get him something just in case," said Terry, leaning back in his chair. "That way it won't be embarrassing if he does get you something. If he doesn't, just put the present back in your trunk or something."

"Good idea," I said. It was then that the trivial trouble hit me. What on earth would I get for Snape?

Lisa laughed. "I don't even have to ask what you're thinking."

Terry shook his head, smiling. "I bet the question of what is a suitable present for Snape is harder than any O.W.L question you'll get."

I groaned.

"Why don't you get him a book?" Lisa suggested. "Something Potions related?"

"Well, he is a Potions Master," I said thoughtfully. "He's like the best in the business. I daresay he already has every book worth buying and what's more, he already knows just about everything there is to know. He might even find it offensive."

"What he would find even more offensive," Terry said, smirking, "is a book on Defence against the Dark Arts or something like that."

"Oh, he would not like that," I said quickly.

Lisa suddenly started laughing.

"What?" I asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Sorry, Mill," she said, giggling. "I was just thinking what his face would look like if you gave him something funny."

I glared at her. "Something we would find funny or something he would find funny?"

"Oh, us," she said. "I'm not serious, of course. But wouldn't it be funny if you gave him a book entitled You and your wellbeing: How to get the best out of Vitamin D?"

I laughed, trying to imagine Snape's face if I did do something like that.

"Vitamin D?" said Terry, looking at Lisa.

"The sun, you dolt!" she laughed, taking his hand.

Terry grinned. "How about a year's subscription to The Quibbler?"

"Oh that would be money well spent," I retorted, sarcastically.

"Do you have any money?" asked Terry. "Or do you have to ask Snape for money?"

"Actually, I have some money in my trunk," I replied. "Merle would always give me a fair bit at the beginning of the school year." I shuddered. "I don't feel comfortable enough yet to ask for money from Snape. I'm only just getting used to calling him by his first name."

"I don't know how you can call him Severus and not have your voice shake," said Terry.

"It's scarier if we're alone together and I call him Professor or sir," I said, smiling. "I still accidentally do that sometimes and the look he gives me gets worse each time."

"Well, we'll have to think about his present," said Lisa, standing up and slinging her bag over her shoulder.

I got up too. "I wonder if..." I trailed off, suddenly hit by another terrible thought.

"What?" they asked, looking concerned.

"My father," I whispered. "Will I have to get him a present?"

Terry and Lisa exchanged looks.

"I'd say so," said Lisa.

"But at least you can use that to find out more about present giving in the Snape family," Terry pointed out. "You can ask Snape if you're supposed to get your dad a present and he might help you select something if you do."

"I suppose..." I said slowly, walking towards the stairs leading up to the dorms. What a joy this Christmas was going to be.

A few hours later I was to be found in Snape's sitting room once again practising Occlumency, various hexes and defence spells Snape had been teaching me. By this stage, I had become fairly adept at non-verbal magic. Snape had started teaching me how to do it a few weeks back and we had devoted a couple of hours to it each week. I wasn't supposed to learn it until sixth year, but my brother had decided that knowing how to do it would certainly be an advantage.

I was feeling pretty worn out; Snape had been relentless in throwing jinxes at me and I had certainly had a thorough workout defending myself. He had managed to hit me three times and when we finally stopped, he insisted that I heal the scorch marks and bruises myself with the healing charms he had taught me.

I sat down on the sofa, tracing my wand over one of the marks, muttering an incantation to heal it. Snape sat down next to me, watching closely. When I had finally finished all three, he nodded.

"Not bad," he said. "Your enunciation needs practice though. You will find the wounds heal quicker when you place the right emphasis on certain words."

I nodded.

He leaned back. "You've done well to have thoroughly learnt all the spells I have taught you in the past few weeks. The more prepared you are, the easier your time will be with Father."

I turned slightly to look at him. "Do you think I'm ready?" I asked, quietly.

Snape stared back at me, his black eyes merely empty tunnels. He considered me a moment before speaking.

"I'm not entirely sure," he said finally. "You now possess the knowledge and skills required to live with him on a day-to-day basis. I am no longer worried about that."

He continued to stare at me, as if waiting for me to fill in the blanks. When I said nothing, he sighed.

"Do you feel you are ready on an emotional level?" he asked.

I hadn't expected to be asked that. True, with new Occlumency skills I was getting better at shutting down my emotions. I hadn't been really emotional in front of Snape. I had cried about Merle recently, but only because I had let myself. I knew I was able to stop myself if I wanted to. I knew going to stay with my father was not going to be a pleasant experience, but I had been mentally preparing myself for it. I was going to shut down my emotions for the duration of the visit. I had been practising that for awhile.

"I think so," I answered, looking him in the eye.

Snape didn't look satisfied.

"Sometimes controlling emotions can seem harder than learning the most difficult spells," he went on, scrutinising me closely.

I nodded. "I know," I said quietly. Wanting to change the subject, I addressed the issue of Christmas instead.

"What day will I have to go there?" I asked.

Snape narrowed his eyes for a moment. I supposed he was annoyed that I so readily moved away from an issue he had initiated.

"The twenty-sixth," he replied shortly. "I'm going to take you there around midday. He wanted you to stay there until school resumes..."

I opened my mouth in horror. What? No way.

Snape waved a hand aside. "However, I insisted you have studying to do before school resumes and you need access to resources at Hogwarts."

Phew. My heart rate slowed a bit. Yeah, my shutting down emotions thing did need some more practice. Got to stay calm at ALL times.

"Therefore, I will come back for you on New Year's Day."

"Alright," I said, softly.

Snape folded his arms. "You will not be cut off from me the entire time you are there," he said. "You will take the chocolate frog card with you and communicate to me using that. I'm sure your non-verbal skills will be an advantage there. Just make sure you do it late at night when Father has gone to bed. He does like to go to bed early."

"Ok," I said. That was a relief.

"And if worse comes to worse," Snape went on, indifferently, "I trust you are still wearing that pearl I gave you?"

I pulled the fine chain around my neck from under my robes to show my brother the small white pearl.

He glanced at it and nodded.

"Very well. Is there anything else?"

I had opened my mouth to say something about Christmas. But I wasn't sure how to start.

"What is it that is so hard to say?" he scoffed. He gave me a significant look. "Come, out with it at once."

"If I'm going to Father's house directly after Christmas," I began slowly. "Will he be expecting some sort of..."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Some sort of what exactly?"

"Some sort of gift," I said quickly.

He looked away. "Oh."

"I don't want to be accused of not doing the right thing by him," I said bitterly, thinking of that horrid letter.

Snape grimaced. "No," he said. He looked thoughtful. "You will have to get him something, I agree, loathed as I am to give him anything at all."

"I wouldn't know what to get him," I said pointedly.

He nodded. "Leave it with me," he said. "I'll think about it."

Inwardly I groaned. I had just added another thing to the man's 'to do' list.

"Thankyou," I said, getting up to leave.

"Sit!" he snapped.

I sat quickly, shocked at the sudden harshness in his voice.

"I have yet to finish discussing your readiness for staying with Father," he said in a dangerous voice. "Your emotional wellbeing is not a topic I wish to avoid as I regard it as being pivotal to the outcome of the visit. You will stay here and discuss it with me until I am satisfied."

I swallowed. Gee, he got ridiculously angry at the drop of a hat. I made a mental note not to change the subject on him in future.

"How can you be sure that you have enough control over your emotions?" he asked.

"I..." I wasn't really sure how to answer that to Snape's satisfaction. Just telling him I shut them down wouldn't be good enough.

'Yes?' he said curtly.

"I just do my best to push all emotions away," I said finally, wondering exactly how feeble that sounded.

"So when they come too close to the surface, how do you push them away?" he asked sharply.

"Occlumency," I replied simply. "The mental shield. It's been working for me."

Snape glowered at me. "Indeed it has," he snapped. "Tell me, is it your clever plan to permanently shut down all your emotions? Are you going to keep everything below the surface?"

"I suppose so," I replied.

He looked angrier. "And do you not think that will have serious long-term effects, Armilla?"

I stared at him. Long-term effects? I didn't want to think about long-term anything right now. At the moment, it was enough to concentrate on day-to-day living.

When I said nothing, Snape let out a heavy sigh, as if willing himself to stay patient.

"Is it your plan to discipline your mind to shut down your emotions to everyone, or just the people who matter?" He was glaring at me, his eyes narrowed. All I wanted was to be out of his sight and to stop making him so angry.

"I haven't decided. If I keep my emotions near the surface for my friends, it might weaken my chances of successfully shutting down my emotions to Father."

Snape considered this, looking directly in front of him. After a moment, he looked back at me again. "A valid point," he admitted. "However, if you insist on permanently burying your emotions the long-term consequences may be severe. You could burn yourself out. You cannot keep everything to yourself in this situation."

"You do it!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Snape didn't even blink. "I certainly do not," he said. "I have disciplined my mind well enough to shut down my emotions to some people and reveal them for others. I knew long ago that it would not be beneficial, least of all for myself, to keep everything inside. This is an important lesson you must learn."

I bit my bottom lip, concentrating hard on the steel arm. If I didn't, I risked those blasted tears surfacing - they had been so close lately when I had been thinking of Merle.

"You will therefore need to draw a distinction between the times you shut down your emotions and the times you do not," said Snape, his look calculating.

I nodded. Steel arm. Steel arm.

"I trust that you will easily decide not to shut down your emotions for your friends or the Headmaster?"

I nodded again.

"And you will shut them down for Father, the Malfoys, the Slytherins and any other visitors to Father's house?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"And what about me?"

I blinked.

Snape regarded me closely. "Do you intend to continue shutting me off from your emotions?"

"I don't shut you off," I replied meekly. Steel arm. Steel arm.

"Oh, no?" he snapped.

I shook my head.

"Then why do you constantly occlude in front of me?"

"I practise," I said. "In case you catch me off-guard."

He sneered. "And that is the only reason?"

"I don't like you looking inside my mind to find out how I feel," I blurted out again. The steel arm started to waver and I quickly focused on it again to make it strong.

Snape folded his arms, glowering at me. "Did I not tell you a while back that I preferred you to talk about something rather than keep it inside?"

"Yes."

"And did I not tell you that things become bigger in the mind if they are not put out in the open?" His voice was becoming dangerously quiet.

"Yes."

"Then I would not need to resort to Legilimency to find out what is going on, child!" he said harshly. "I do not expect you to take all these past events in your stride and discuss your fears with no one! Why are you so against speaking about your problems with me?"

I shuddered, trying my best to keep the steel arm in view.

"Answer me!"

"Because you've got enough to do without listening to my problems as well!" I exclaimed, my voice wavering slightly.

Snape stared at me, his face calm.

"I will be the judge of that," he whispered.

"I...I just..."

"Yes?" He narrowed his eyes again.

"I don't want to be a bigger burden to you than I already am," I said finally.

"Burden?" he repeated.

I nodded.

He suddenly had a harsh expression on his face and it was all I could do not to squirm under his gaze.

"Armilla, you listen very carefully to me right now for I do not ever wish to repeat it. Look at me." Snape was a serious man, but I had never heard his voice be as serious as it was now.

"A burden is something that causes a great deal of worry and stress and at times, a lot of hard work. A burden is something you wish to be rid of. The Dark Lord is a burden to me. The Death Eaters are a burden to me. My father is a burden to me. At times my job and certain students here are a burden to me. It is certainly true that you cause me worry and stress, but that it no different to any other guardian worrying about a child. However, you would only be a burden if I wished to be rid of you."

I bit my lip.

"I thought at this stage of my life, with all the experiences I have had, nothing could surprise me. And so when I found out about you, to say I was shocked would be a considerable understatement. In all honesty, having a child in my life was never something I happily planned for because I would be the first to say that I am not the fatherly type." He paused, sneering.

"I did not fight for custody of you to just to spite my father. Oh, yes, I did dearly want to take that away from him. I also did it to protect you from being at the hands of such a loathsome fool. I did doubt my abilities in being your guardian, which is why it would seem I did not want custody of you in the first place. But if Father was not here and I was given the option today of giving you to someone else..." He paused again, looking down his hooked nose at me.

I bit my lip harder.

"I would not," he said. "And for that reason, Armilla," he said, his voice harsh once again, "you are never, ever to imply again that you are a burden. I do not wish to be rid of you and that fact alone contradicts the whole notion of burden. Is that clear enough for you?" He was glaring at me again now.

"Yes," I whispered.

He nodded. "Very well. You may leave."

I didn't need telling twice. Once I was a few hallways from Snape's quarters, I broke into a run. I didn't know why, but I needed to run. The steel arm in my mind was breaking down and all I wanted was my bed in my dorm.

I hastily said the password to the common room and I sprinted past the chattering students, not stopping to check if Lisa and Terry were among them. Once inside my dorm, I flung myself on my bed, drew the curtains around me and cast a silencing charm around my bed.

And for the first time in weeks, I cried. Not just a few tears like I had been shedding lately. I cried for Merle. I cried for my mother. I shuddered and wept for everything that had happened in the past six weeks, the good and the bad. I just poured out everything that I had shut down. I thought of Snape down in the dungeons. He had spoken so harshly, yet his words had comforted me in a way I had never thought possible. And yet I still had not managed to take down the steel arm for his sake. I had waited until I was alone as usual. As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered if he had let me go because he knew I would come up here to cry.