World's End

~*~

Remus's life began to disintegrate so slowly that at first he almost didn't notice.

Had he allowed himself to think about it, which he usually didn't, he would have told himself that there comes a time in any relationship when the first flush of passion wears off and the parties concerned are left to deal with the details of day-to-day life. He could have worked it into a very convincing argument if he'd let himself, accounting perfectly well for Sirius's gradual withdrawal and increasing coldness. After all, they couldn't be constantly all over each other for the rest of their lives. Eventually they would have to come back down to earth and start living in the real world, and clearly that time was starting now.

On the few occasions he reflected on the state of his relationship with Sirius, Remus reasoned thus with himself, almost-but-not-quite managing to squash the small voice inside him which murmured that surely a war on the scale of the one they were currently waging against Voldemort made you want to draw closer to, not reject, the people you trusted. Not to mention the slightly louder one that pointed out, with undeniable logic, that he and Sirius had been cohabiting for over two years now and months ago had settled into a comfortable domestic routine.

Perhaps things would have continued in this way, with him and Sirius growing further and further apart and Remus refusing to give it more than a passing thought. Perhaps, after enough time, Remus would have managed to close his mind entirely to the voices of reason. Perhaps he could have made himself believe that everything was still the way it used to be.

*

Remus still went to the Shrieking Shack to transform. It was easier, he felt, to continue in a place he was familiar with, and had the added advantage of no close neighbours to be alarmed by his howling. Even now, almost four years since leaving Hogwarts, he would be joined once a month by as many of his friends as were able to join him . In the early days they had looked on it as an opportunity to recreate their adventures at school, but now they were older and had more responsibilities; to their families, to Dumbledore and the Order, to the war, and many times lately it had been a depleted crew of Marauders roaming the Forbidden Forest. Sirius had always come, though. Wherever he had been, whatever he had been doing, he had never yet failed to arrive, and if, as with so many other aspects of his relationship with Remus, he no longer felt the way he once had, he did not say.

Until now.

*

On the day of this particular full moon, communication between Remus and Sirius had been much as usual, or what had become usual over the past few weeks. Sirius had risen early and departed without a word; he had long since stopped discussing his activities and Remus had long since given up asking. Remus, whose appetite was always poor the day of a full moon, had sat for a long time after he left picking at a piece of toast. He tried to put out of his mind the memories of mornings with Sirius after he had first moved in, when they had lain in bed together for hours, talking, kissing, making love, and failed utterly.

*

He didn't begin to worry about Sirius until it was almost time for him to Apparate to Hogsmeade. By then, Peter was sat in the kitchen and Remus had conducted a hurried conversation with James via the fireplace.

"Sorry to let you down, Moony," he'd muttered. "Last-minute Order business. Nothing I could do."

He squinted up at Remus guiltily from the hearth.

"I'll stick my head in tomorrow, see how you're doing, alright? And you'll have Sirius and Peter, won't you?"

"Don't worry, I'll be fine," Remus replied.

The sky began to darken and Remus knew it was time to go. Peter was rinsing his coffee mug in the sink, but there was no sign of Sirius.

He's probably been held up doing something for Dumbledore and Apparated straight to Hogsmeade , Remus told himself. No doubt when we get there we'll find him waiting outside the Shack.

He squashed any concerns about Sirius and his whereabouts, pulled out his wand and reappeared almost instantly in Hogsmeade.

*

He wasn't there, of course. Remus and Peter stood outside the Shack for as long as they could, waiting. Every so often they would call his name, or call Padfoot, as though they expected him to come bounding up already in Animagus form, but there was never any reply.

By this time, Remus could no longer ignore his worries. The moon was rising and he could feel its pull, and he had no idea where Sirius was. Visions of him being subjected to unspeakable tortures by Voldemort and his Death Eaters filled his mind and he felt himself starting to panic.

Remus took a deep breath and tried to keep calm. Wherever Sirius was, whatever he was doing, there was nothing he himself could do for him until the morning.

He turned to Peter. "It's getting late. We'd better go in," he said.

*

Once inside the Shack, Remus bolted the bedroom door firmly. Without either Sirius or James, there could be no thought of going outside. Peter had already transformed and was sat on the bed.

Remus's final thoughts before the wolf took over his mind were of Sirius and what could possibly have happened to prevent him coming.

~*~

Remus awoke late the next morning and for a moment knew nothing except severe discomfort. His first conscious thought was that he did not usually feel so much pain after the full moon. And then he remembered. Sirius had not come, and without him or James, Remus realised he must have attacked himself more than usual; Peter, though he had provided company, could do nothing against the wolf whilst a rat.

He turned slightly, half hoping to see Sirius lying on the bed next to him, but the only sign that he had ever been there was an indentation on the pillow where his head had lain.

Fighting both rising panic and frustration that in his current state there was little he personally could do for the next few hours, Remus considered what he ought to do, but was interrupted by James's voice calling once again from the fireplace.

"Moony? Moony? Are you alright?"

Pulling himself into a sitting position, Remus nodded.

"I'm fine. Look, do you have any idea where Sirius is?"

James frowned.

"He's not with you? I thought... I didn't know... why isn't he here?"

"I don't know. He wasn't with you last night, then?"

"No. As far as I'm aware, he wasn't doing anything for the Order at all, but it could have been something secret."

Work for the Order was often secret, because no one could ever be sure who was working for Voldemort, either under the Imperius curse or of their own free will. Remus knew this, but as he looked over at James he saw his own worry mirrored in James's eyes.

"Look, Moony, he'll be alright. If... if anything had happened to him Dumbledore would know. If you want I'll see if anyone else has seen anything of him and let you know, but you shouldn't worry."

"I know. Thanks, Prongs."

James looked for a moment as though he was about to leave, but then leaned back in.

"Remus?" he said concernedly. "I know it's none of my business but... is everything alright with you and Sirius at the minute?"

Remus looked down at his hands, fiddling with the edge of the bedclothes, and realised he was never going to get anywhere by constantly fooling himself.

"Not really," he said miserably.

*

After James had gone Remus got out of bed and made his way stiffly to the bathroom, where he kept a collection of potions and creams for the day after the full moon. Years of tending to his injuries had made him immune to the sight of the scratches the wolf's claws made on his body, and he had become quite adept at Healing. Even so, he winced when he saw the wounds he had inflicted on himself the previous night. He hadn't injured himself so badly since... he forced back a hazy half-memory of Severus Snape, aged sixteen, running for his life down a dark corridor.

*

Within an hour James was back in the fireplace.

"We've found him!" he announced. "Frank Longbottom came across him in some disreputable old pub. He should be on his way home soon."

Remus's relief that Sirius had not been tortured and killed turned very quickly to anger at the thought of Sirius sat drinking in a pub when he, Remus, was ripping himself to shreds in the Shrieking Shack. His anger clearly showed on his face, because James jumped in immediately.

"I know it's awful him running out on you the night of the moon", he said uncomfortably, "but if things aren't, you know, going well between you and him then maybe he just wanted to... oh, I don't know, get his head together or something. He shouldn't have done it last night, but..."

James's voice trailed off and he looked dismally at the floor.

"Maybe," said Remus. "I think we should probably talk anyway."

He cast his mind about for a topic of conversation to get James away from the state of his relationship with Sirius, and decided on James's son.

"How's Harry doing?" he asked.

Relief swept over James's face.

"Oh, he's wonderful," he replied proudly. "He's into everything at the moment, crawling all over the place. Lily and I have our hands full trying to keep up with him. You'll have to come and see him soon."

Remus nodded enthusiastically. Even before he fell in love with Sirius he had known he would never have children of his own - it would not be fair for any child to have a father who became a monster at every full moon - and he saw Harry as the closest he would ever get.

"Anyway, I'm going to have to go," James continued. "You'll be alright tomorrow, will you? We can't cope without you for long. Everything seems to be coming at once - attacks on Muggles, attacks on wizards, and the Death Eaters are getting stronger. Dumbledore's worried - they seem to know an awful lot and at the minute we're not sure how they know it."

*

When he was finally left alone to wait for Sirius, Remus reflected on what James had told him. Now he had admitted, both aloud and to himself, that there was something wrong, he tried to work out what it was, and why it had happened.

When did it first start going wrong? he asked himself. He cast his mind back over the past few months to see if he could remember when Sirius had begun acting oddly, but it had happened so gradually that he couldn't recall exactly; couldn't remember when Sirius had stopped touching him or discussing his daily activities or meeting his eye, or even the order in which these events had happened. All that was important now was that it had happened. He tried to think about the situation logically.

Maybe he's seeing someone else was his first thought. It was a distinct possibility and certainly explained Sirius's heightened secretiveness and his reluctance to have any kind of physical relationship with him. Remus drew his mind away from a dismal contemplation of the last time he and Sirius had made love, so long ago now he couldn't remember exactly when, and from a fierce jealousy of whomever else Sirius might be seeing instead. As much as it hurt him, he had to consider it.

But surely people who are cheating on their partners go out of their way to be pleasant to them so they don't find out and because they feel guilty? He must know I've noticed something's up. Especially with him not coming for the full moon.

Maybe he wants me to notice.

But why won't he just tell me? It's not like Sirius to be cowardly.

Maybe he'll do that when he gets back. If he ever does.

If he is seeing someone else, what was he doing sitting drinking? Why wasn't he with him? Or her?

Remus turned onto his side and gazed out of the window, as though he expected to see the answer to his questions sat on the balcony. With a faint glimmer of hope, he decided that there was unlikely to be someone else. On the odd occasions one of his friends or acquaintances had been seeing someone behind their partner's back, he had always noticed a distinct increase in their attentions to the partner in question, so there was no chance he or she would notice their attentions elsewhere.

So what then? There's still something going on.

Maybe he just got bored of me.

Again, why not tell me?

The thought of this was almost more depressing than the thought that Sirius might be seeing someone else, so in an attempt to distract himself from his own worries Remus considered the rest of what James had said.

Dumbledore's worried. The Death Eaters know too much. How's that happening?

Maybe Voldemort's found a way to overhear the Order meetings.

But how would he know where they are, and when? The only people who know that are the Order members, and we're going to keep it secret. There's no way he could find out unless one of us told him, and the only way that could happen is if he was torturing us for it.

He could use the Imperius curse, couldn't he?

How? If he were close enough to one of us to put us under the Imperius curse, we'd know about it.

What about one of his Death Eaters? Someone we don't suspect of working for him? It's a possibility.

But wouldn't we notice if one of us were being controlled by Voldemort in some way?

And then he realised exactly what he had just worked out.

Oh Merlin he's controlling Sirius.

Remus felt his heart begin to beat very fast. It fitted... it all fitted... the withdrawal, the disappearing, the silence. Clearly Voldemort had found a way of controlling Sirius for his own ends.

Before he had had time to think exactly how Voldemort was achieving this, he heard the front door slam and Sirius's feet in the hall. He took a deep breath.

Must act normally. Can't let him - Voldemort - know I suspect anything. Neither of us would be safe .

Sirius pushed open the bedroom door and walked in. He was unshaven, his eyes were hollow with tiredness and his clothes were crumpled, but Remus looked at him with undisguised relief. He had convinced himself so thoroughly of Voldemort's control that he had half expected the Dark Lord himself to walk into the room with Sirius.

For a moment they looked at each other. Neither could meet the other's eye. Finally,

"Where have you been?" said Remus. He tried to keep his voice steady.

"Out," Sirius replied shortly.

"Are you... are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I was worried about you. When you didn't come last night I didn't know what to think."

"Last night?"

"It was the full moon, Sirius."

"Oh."

For a moment, something that could perhaps have been guilt flittered across Sirius's face, but it was gone almost before Remus knew it was there, and he began to look angry.

"The world doesn't revolve around you, Remus," he said. "There's a war on, if you hadn't noticed."

"I had, actually," Remus replied. He was beginning to lose his grip on his own temper, and had to speak through gritted teeth to keep his voice calm. "Why do you think I was so worried? If you had something more important to do I'd have understood, but you could at least have done me the courtesy of explaining it to me so I don't have to imagine you dead at the hands of Voldemort."

At the sound of Voldemort's name Sirius looked Remus in the eye for the first time, but quickly glanced away.

"Spare me the lecture on manners, Remus," he said. "I haven't slept for forty-eight hours, I'm exhausted and I don't want to listen to you whining."

He left the room before Remus could reply, and after a few moments Remus heard water running in the bathroom. Imperius curse or no Imperius curse, he was so angry that had he not known he was in no fit state for a fight and the Order needed him tomorrow, he would have hit Sirius.

*

Some time later, when the room was growing dark and the shadows were gathering in the corners, he heard Sirius re-enter the room and felt the bed shift as he lay down. Neither of them spoke. Remus felt he could almost reach out and touch the tension between them. He wasn't angry any more. He wasn't even afraid about the Imperius curse. His main emotion was sadness at what he and Sirius once were and what they had now become. For the first time since he had admitted to James that morning that things were not right between the two of them - only this morning? It seems like a lifetime ago - he allowed himself to think about how they used to be. The way Sirius would hold him in his arms after they had made love and he could feel Sirius's breath warm on the back of his neck and sometimes, sometimes Sirius would whisper "I love you, Moony" into the darkness and he'd pretend to be asleep but really he'd be smiling foolishly into his pillow and he'd know Sirius knew he'd heard...

It was odd, thought Remus, that he could reach out his hand to the bedside table for his wand and transport himself anywhere in the world within the blink of an eye, but he couldn't reach out a similar distance the opposite way to touch Sirius's shoulder and try to bridge the gap between them.

*

As he was falling asleep, he once again almost-remembered Severus Snape in that corridor.

What if he's not under the Imperius curse?

~*~

Sirius stood amongst the rubble and ruins that had once been Godric's Hollow and looked down at James. He lay on his back; his glasses knocked askew, his hair rumpled, his hand still clutching his wand.

It can't be true. He's not dead. Not James.

He knelt down by James's body. The ground was cold and damp and stones jabbed into his knees, but he didn't notice. He touched James's cheek. James's skin was cold and his face was pale.

What have I done?

A few feet away, Lily lay on her side. Her arms were stretched out as though to cushion her fall and her hair fell across her face. Her wand lay by her hand where it had fallen.

What have I done?

Images of James flashed across Sirius's mind. James climbing on board the Hogwarts Express for the first time. James spending hours in the library learning to become an Animagus. James endlessly chasing Lily Evans round Hogwarts. The older James, his face full of happiness the day he married Lily. Of pride when his son was born. And finally of worry, just days ago, when he, Sirius, had managed to persuade him to take on Peter Pettigrew as their Secret-Keeper instead of himself and in doing so had brought about his death.

*

Sirius didn't know how long he knelt there. After what seemed like hours, but might only have been a few seconds, he heard a step on the ground behind him. Fearing an attack, he leapt up and reached for his wand, but saw only Hagrid, cradling a bundle of blankets, his pink umbrella tucked under his arm. He was looking at Sirius sympathetically and his black eyes were full of tears.

"So... so it's true, then?" Sirius's voice shook. "Harry's still alive?"

Sirius looked down at Harry, whimpering in Hagrid's arms, an odd-shaped cut on his forehead marking the place Voldemort's curse had hit him, and he began to shake with anger.

How could you do this, Peter, you murdering, traitorous bastard? We were your friends. How could you do this to us? We were the Marauders. Did it mean nothing to you?

"Let me take him. I'm his godfather, Hagrid, I'll take care of him now."

Hagrid shook his head.

"I'm ter take him to Dumbledore. He's goin' to his Muggle relations."

Sirius gasped.

"Hagrid, he can't! He can't go to them. They're not... not like us. James and Lily would've... would've wanted..."

He felt his eyes fill with tears and he turned away. Hagrid laid a heavy hand on his shoulder and passed him an enormous handkerchief from one of his many pockets.

"I know. But Dumbledore knows what he's doin', Sirius."

How could you do this to Harry, Peter? Murder his parents and force him onto those terrible Muggle relations of his. Did you never listen to James talking about them? Don't you know what they're like?

Sirius stood there, clutching Hagrid's handkerchief, and thought about the lives Peter had ruined.

Not just Peter, though. If it weren't for me they'd still be alive. If I hadn't persuaded them to change to him...

James and Lily, their lives cut ridiculously short. Harry, off to Lily's horrendous sister, his parents dead. And Remus...

That wasn't Peter. That was me.

He had suspected Remus - Remus! - of betraying them, of working for Voldemort. Remus, who had lived with him and shared his life for years. Who he had once thought he loved more than anyone else in the world. Who he had abandoned when Remus needed him most. And who had stood in the living room of his flat - their flat - surrounded by piles of cardboard boxes containing everything he owned, looked Sirius in the eye and said, "I'm leaving you."

At the time Sirius had been almost relieved and had made no attempt to argue. He had just stood by and watched as Remus conjured his cardboard boxes into the air and floated them out of the door in front of him.

Remembering this now, standing in the ruins of James and Lily's once-cherished home, with their orphaned son crying by his side, Sirius was so angry that if he had seen Peter at that moment he would have killed him with his bare hands.

*

Hagrid cleared his throat.

"I ought ter be gettin' back ter Dumbledore. I'm sorry, Sirius. You an' James... I can't believe it. Him an' Lily dead..."

All because of Peter. He betrayed us all. James, Remus, me, Lily, Harry, Dumbledore, the Order...

Sirius thought swiftly. He wanted to come upon Peter suddenly, so he didn't have time to run away.

"Hagrid?" he called. "Take Harry on my motorbike. You'll be quicker that way."

Hagrid turned.

"Yeh're sure?"

"I'm sure," he replied. "I won't be needing it for a while."

~*~