Confessions of a Broken Death Eater

You would think a man such as myself would have no love for anyone. I know what I am called by my students and fellow staff: cold bastard, greasy git, heartless prude. I project that to the world as a mask to save myself. I have loved. I have loved so hard that I felt that my world had stopped the second she was my world. I remember the first time I saw her standing next to Dumbledore. She was shy, nervous, and absolutely breathtaking. I could tell I was not the only person who thought so. James Potter was staring at her like he could command her attention with his eyes alone. I prayed to every god I knew at that second; prayed she would be sorted with Slytherin so I would have at least a shot. Anywhere but with Gryffindor. Anywhere but with my tormentor and his loyal friends. I felt my heart sink when she was sorted and knew the chance I prayed for would never come.

Little did I know that she had seen me as well that night. Little did I know that she prayed to be placed with me. I would later find that out. I would later realize my mistake; a mistake that I could never correct and never take back.

Years had passed and still I harbored my love for her. Year after year she looked to me for help in her Potions assignments. I never knew why she sought me out for help. I was the enemy. Her boyfriend would surely kill me if he knew that I was "tainting" her with my blackness. James Potter never liked me because I was a threat. I had the wealth of my family and the brains to go with it. I was going to be someone one day. All he had was his looks, Quidditch, and the one person my heart desired.

I joined with the Dark Lord at the order of my father.

My seventh year was hell. I felt that everyone was so pure and I was truly "tainted". The dark mark on my arm was proof positive that I was evil and that I never deserved her.

Graduation came and went and she married "Mr. Perfect Potter". I heard about it from the Dark Lord himself. I think he knew of my love for her. I turned sides that night and went to Dumbledore and confessed. I was tired of killing, tired of lying, tired of it all. I was tired of this endless servitude to a man who was unworthy.

A year later the orders came that we were to attack a house in the middle of London. Unknown to me I would arrive too late to save my love. At that moment I knew I was branded a traitor. He had figured me out somehow and for that she and her husband died. I couldn't save her. The Dark Lord fell that night as well. My love's son saved the world.

But he was a second too late to have saved his mother.

As I held her to me I felt her life slowly leaving. Smiling at me she told me the words that forever made me regret that I had never spoken up, that I never told her my feelings.

"I loved you the first time I saw you, Severus. Please take care of my son for me." Her final words were of love and hope. Whispering my promise to the wind I cried and held her and her son to me. When Dumbledore found me I was a wreck. He sent her son to his aunt or some other muggle relative to take care of.

Years later when I saw him again he was his father's child - determined, sly and handsome. He'd saved the world and never knew it. I watched his struggle with all the fame and attention.

He could have been mine. My son. Mine and my love's.

I saw nothing of his mother but her smile. I was hard on him. I did it to strengthen him but mostly to protect myself.

But I did what I promised. I protected him. I always will. He is mine. He is all I have left of my Lily, of my love.

So how can anyone say that I am heartless.

I love...even still.

~Fin~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."