The Diary of Draco Malfoy

The Diary of Draco Malfoy: Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If you have watched Survivor 3: Africa, you will know where Draco's uncle comes from. My favourite character, though a lot of people don't like him.

November 13

Females are sprawled all over my beautiful marble floor and "father" threatened to lock us all up here for the rest of the week. Lavender girl bit off one of my buttons during one of her escapades on my body. ( Luckily, a used fork was just beside me and I managed to prick her arse with it as hard as I could. Long Live the Deranged Bachelors! ) Then, a dozen girls fought over the last dance like bloody chickens in a coop full of crap. It's that bad, and I am *sick* and *tired* of all these immature people trying to get me to do something which I obviously HATE to do.

The good thing is that Uncle Brandon came two hours early and we finally have the chance to talk. I was completely shocked when he admitted that he was a shifter. It is a term he used, meaning that he prefers to be married to lads or something. I did not know that there are actually some people who think like that! Good lord!

Still a bit grossed out by all this, although I perfectly understand the not liking the girls part. He probably inherited it from my great ( say that for 4 times ) grandfather. In my opinion, he should have been killed when they found out about how his mind works.

So what am I, then? I don't like lasses, I don't like lads...well...

Gawds. Who would have thought. He is giving me the creeps. He is more effeminate than most girls in England, especially in terms of hand gestures, but I figured that he was just a free spirit of some sort.

He does love to stare at Sir Sirius' arse, though. And he twirls his soup spoon around his fingers...and all this is leaving me nauseous...chamomile oil...chamomile oil...

And to think that I am related to him!

What will they do if they find out? Will they hang him on a noose in front of the manor?

Well, at least I get to see a hanging...

Anyways, I got a lot of presents compared to last year, including a crystal chess set, a crushed velvet nightgown in emerald green ( like Harry's eyes ), a Bible from my uncles in the monastery ( I'll be ablaze before I even read it, I'm the little blonde-haired demon of the 11th Century, so they say), 400 Galleons, and sweet mother of pearl! ( derived from Uncle Brandon's collection of girly expressions, volume 2 ) a potion-brewing set from Mr. Snape!

Mother said she would give me the diamond-encrusted Malfoy legacy ring when I get engaged. Why not emeralds?

Gawd, not his eyes again. Shut it, Draco. Just shut it.

November 14

Everyone is outside picking apples and singing hillbilly songs. They are showing to the whole world the true peasant in them. Ha. Do what you must. Being the smart one in the family, I, however, preferred to stay inside the house, where I shall write in comfort and gulp down some hot cider.

So, right now, I am still sitting beside the window, watching the clouds go by and the sun go down... and what do I see?! Harry Potter with Seamus Finnigan! Picking apples and singing hillbilly songs! How utterly divine!

Will I let them frolic amongst themselves while I bore myself to sleep writing a stupid account? I think not!

November 15

Lovely time I had yesterday. Neville joined in and threw up while we were riding on the turnip cart, and so my robe stinks of sour apples and...onions, but otherwise, everything was perfect. I never knew Harry could have such a wicked sense of humor. Just a little more perverted and he may end up just like me!

Sir Sirius fetched some logs and we all had a bonfire. Chestnuts, apples, pie, you name it, I ate it. All those evil food made me heavier, I reckon, because I can hardly get up from my bed! It's back to one meal a day for me. Don't call me anorexic, Benjamin, for sometimes you just have to sacrifice happiness for a tight rump, if you know what I'm thinking.

You don't? Well, good for you then.

Father slept until afternoon because he wasn't used to turning in late. Uncle Brandon also sent me an owl to tell me that he is coming to visit tomorrow.

Okay, he also said that if the word gets around that he is a shifter, then I might as well be stabbing myself with a dull kitchen knife. Scary, and to think that he has a feminine side.

November 16

Uncle Brandon showed me the copy of the Malfoy Code of Law - the adult edition. It had pretty much all of the stuff that dirty minded people think of, including shifters and lingerie. I'd rather that I never saw it, though, and that I could have instead the privilege of spending my childhood peacefully.

Most unfortunately, that was just robbed from me two hours ago, and I am doomed to live a life of immense suffering.

Maybe not, but I hate it so when my childlike innocence is destroyed. ( Like I even have a tad of that, eh, Benjamin? )

Shifters, according to the copy, are not punished, but they are strictly forbidden to bear any children ( that explains why uncle doesn't have a family, I guess ) or give influence to any Malfoy, regardless of age and status. They are not to show very public display of affection with people of their own gender. They are to dress as they should and act like they should.

Talk about controlled! Reminds me of the rotund puppet master I saw in South Kensington last Midsummer's Eve. Uncle, of course, would play the wooden lass in a violet kirtle.

I could already imagine. Eww.

November 17

I hate the Lavender girl. I hate her worse than measles, hemorrhoids and runny nose put together. If only it is legal to, say, scalp her bald... or better yet throw her in a pit full of glowing embers of charcoal, but nooooo. I have to put up with her and risk losing my beloved sanity! And what pissed me most about it is that "father" seem to be playing cupid all over again and pushing me to have tea with the undeserving git!

She actually begged me, in front of my whole family and hers, to do "it" tonight?! Has this woman any shame?! And at the point of crying and breaking down even!

People tumble people because they love each other and want to have a baby or something, and not because of anything else. That's what I want it to be.

Besides, her oversized bosoms might just pop out of her kirtle any sooner! Surely some pathetic lad would find it attractive!

Gawds, I don't want to think about that.

I am sure Harry is having the same dilemma, though, after all, we are pretty irresistible men. Not that I think he is...but...

Crappers.

I should talk to him tomorrow. And maybe to playboy Seamus as well. For once they should be of some help.

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