Like the Finest Gold

Chapter Three: Genesis 3:6

"James, something is wrong with you."

Sirius dragged you away from Remus and Peter in the break between Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts. This hallway was secluded, but he spoke in an impatient whisper.

"Nothing's wrong with me," you replied.

Nothing except for the fact that Lucius had summoned you twice this week. You were still stunned from last night, your first...

"Lie on your stomach and raise your arms over your head."

He removed the cord binding his hair and wound it around your wrists, right over left. That hair. Cool as it brushed against your back. Up close, you knew it to be a hundred different shades of blond, from platinum to ash.

"My wand is on the other side of the room. You don't have to tie my hands together."

"Damn it, James, don't lie to me! Why are you so tired all the time? Why do you spend the entirety of Charms looking at the floor? I know you're not up late studying."

"Why would I lie to you? You're my best friend." Leaving out the truth wasn't the same as lying, right?

"Yeah, your best friend. The one who's trying to keep you from flunking Charms!"

"No, I don't have to. Nor do I have to listen to you prattle the entire time." Reaching into the pocket of his robes, he produced what appeared to be two large silk handkerchiefs.

"Green and silver. How ever did I guess? What are those for?"

"Protection."

"What?"

He folded one of the silks so it was wide in the center and tapered at the ends.

"Lift up your head and look away from me."

"I guess it's just nerves, you know, lots of stress coming up with this being our last year."

"I'm sorry. Did you expect me to believe that?"

"Well, yes."

As you obeyed, he tied the handkerchief around your eyes. It was warm from his body and carried his scent of mint, soap, and his rosewood wand.

"What are you doing? You know, you don't have to do this."

"Can you see?"

"No."

"Keep your head right where it is. Got any last words?"

"Last words before what?"

The temperature of your blood shot up twenty degrees as you recognized Lucius's sarcasm in Sirius's laugh. "If that's the truth, then I will stand in front of Remus at the next full moon wearing nothing but a steak. You are so full of it, Potter." He was suddenly solemn. "But James, really, I'm worried. Something strange is going on with you. Oh my-Lily's not pregnant, is she?"

"No!" Because that would require...oh...

A light swish in the air behind you, and you found yourself gagged with the second cloth. You shook your head wildly in protest, but he held you steady.

"Stay still," he commanded, as though you had a choice. What else could you do, blind, mute, and bound?

"Relax."

"Then what's wrong? Look, we've been friends for seven years. We've seen each other naked, and with broken bones and bloody noses and bed hair. We've copied each other's homework, hell, our kids are probably going to copy each other's homework. Just, please, tell me what's going on with you. Is there anything I can do?"

Sirius looked lost, desperate. Through all of it, though, he didn't look away from you. Maybe, just maybe, he would understand. Do you think?

"Sirius..."

Your sarcastic response couldn't quite make its way around the gag, but you turned your head sharply in the direction of his voice. This was absolutely humiliating. Never in your life had you been so out of control, exposed in every way to your enemy. As it always had before, though, a hunger for the pleasure Lucius gave you crept steadily forward. It was an ugly, tormenting sort of pleasure, the kind you got from knowing you were doing something wrong and getting away with it.

"Potter!" His fingers dug into the tight muscles in your neck and shoulders. "Listen to me when I give you an order."

Remembering this time that the gag was in place, you nodded, resting your cheek on the floor.

"Breathe."

"If someone was..." You couldn't tell him. You couldn't.

"If someone was what?" Sirius trained all his concentration on you, and you could see him calculating your problems, extrapolating, trying to factor everything he knew about you.

"If you wanted something a lot, but you couldn't have it, or you weren't supposed to want it in the first place..."

He raked his fingers through your hair, caressing the back of your neck. There was a slight popping sound, like a cork being removed from a flask, and a minute later his hands, strong and slick, were on your back. You shuddered as Lucius dug hard into the muscles edging your shoulder blades. The oil could be poisonous, but you didn't care. Anything a poison would do to you would be a fair price for this feeling. You relaxed, the weight of your body sinking into the floor. Too soon, he stopped. You protested as the air came cold on your back.

"...would you go after it anyway?" Well, that was not quite the best way to put it, but at least it was ambiguous. It was enough of an answer to make Sirius leave you alone, wasn't it?

"I'm not sure I get what you mean. What is this about? Is it...is it about Remus? What is this thing that you're not supposed to want?"

"Okay, what if there was something that you didn't know you wanted until you were forced to take it and it was the last thing on earth you thought you'd ever want in the first place?"

"Quit whining, Potter. It doesn't flatter you." His lips were on your ear, your earlobe in his teeth. It felt better than you thought it was supposed to.

Slowly, he moved away from you. Straining, you heard the rustle of cloth and the click of his wand being set down somewhere. A chill was chased away by the sudden heat of the length of Lucius's body against your own, skin on skin matching curve for curve. You were sure he heard you sigh in the delight you had sworn never to let him know you felt.

"I suppose asking for your consent would be pointless, especially seeing the way you look at me when you pass me in the halls."

"You, considerate?" For a moment, you forgot he wouldn't be able to understand you.

"Damn..." he removed the gag from your mouth. "What?"

"You're not just going to say to me, 'I'm going to fuck you, Potter?' and be done with it? I can't believe you're asking."

"Not having any idea as to what you're talking about, I guess I'd keep whatever it was I had, unless it was dangerous. You know, going to seriously hurt me or someone else. Unless maybe that someone was Snape."

"Oh."

"Is whatever you have going to hurt anyone?"

"I don't know." If no one ever found out about you and Lucius then no, technically no one would be hurt. Technically. You bastard. How do you think Lily would feel if she knew? For starters, she'd never speak to you again. And then she'd probably hex you from here to Siberia, after spreading to the rest of the school that the two of you were no longer a couple because Lucius had turned you into his sex toy. Remus, Sirius, and Peter...Lucius might go after one of them, though by this point you were sure he couldn't care less about them. He had you. He had only ever wanted you. The blackmail was just something that made his approaching you easier. It was remarkable, you thought, that Lucius had chosen you over brilliant, sarcastic Sirius, or charming, charismatic Remus. Peter would never have been a target in the first place. He was analytical and understanding, but he didn't always stand up for himself and would never challenge Lucius, who seemed to love nothing more than the hunt. Lucius had mentioned that the two of you were alike. Maybe that was why he hadn't gone after the other two. Lucius and Sirius were similar in ways you could never explain to either of them, but you had Lily, and therefore more to lose.

"I don't believe in forcing you into sex."

"But it's okay to force me into everything else."

"Come off it. We both know you were a lot less forced than you act like you were."

You spoke the only two words that made any sense in the world anymore.

"My pride."

"If I ask you, will you say yes?"

Yes.

"My pride."

"Potter..."

"James..."

"Huh?"

"Can you let me in on your inner debate?"

"Look, it's really nice that you're concerned, but I'll be all right."

"Excuse me? I don't think so. You might think no one notices, but I do. I know Remus and Peter do, too. You're a wreck. Are you...is it your family?"

"Would you keep it if it was going to hurt you but protect your friends?"

"Yes. Yes." No! You were betraying yourself to your enemy. You knew the moment the words left you that you had finally admitted to Lucius how you had felt from the first moment he stood in front of you in the Potions lab. Then again, he had always known, even without your words.

"For some reason, Potter, I think you're a screamer." He gagged you again. Your protests were absorbed in the damp silk. Anticipation tightened your legs and back. You felt him straddle your hips, kneeling, anointing both of you with the oil.

"Relax, or it's going to hurt like hell."

"As though I could relax when you're--"

"Quiet!" he hissed. "I can't understand a word you're saying, and you're annoying me. Do as I tell you. You're going to have to trust me."

"What is it? Did someone send you something cursed? Should we see if we can figure out what it is?"

"No! I mean...no, we don't need to do that. No one sent me anything cursed. I think this is just something I need to work out on my own."

"Oh, so there's something you're hiding." Sirius eyed you, half in satisfaction, half in lethal curiosity. You thought about telling him everything, from the broken glass...

You forced the tension out of your muscles.

"Better. Do you trust me?"

Slowly, you nodded.

"Take a deep breath," he instructed, and as you did, he entered you. You bit down on the gag to keep from waking the entire student body with your scream. The pain was sharp, pinpointed somewhere around your sternum. Tears came to your eyes as you exhaled, accepting him. It was as though he was taking up every spare inch of space in your body, interrupting the very motion of your life.

...to Lucius knowing your secret...

He remained still. "Are you all right?"

In any other moment, you would have laughed yourself sick at the concept of Lucius Malfoy asking you that question, but now, you could only nod as sweat prickled your forehead.

His voice dropped to the softest whisper. "Good."

...to the Charms classroom...

The floor was unforgiving under your ribs and knees and elbows. Inhale. Exhale. Try to stay calm against the pain. Lose yourself in the sound of his breathing. Savor the warmth of his hands on your shoulders. Pray that he wouldn't take so long.

Hours? Minutes? Seconds? He continued to thrust, the speed of his breath your only indication that he felt anything at all. The pain had subsided a little, more like something you became used to than something that was actually pleasurable. There. He was coming, in motions long and determined. Stay absolutely still as he withdrew, leaving you feeling empty and distended.

...to last night.

Neither of you did or said anything as he lay on his back beside you, the ends of his hair brushing your arms. Did he expect you to say something? You were too afraid to move, and you couldn't speak...not that that was the most intelligent thing to do at this point, anyhow.

But as much as you loved Sirius, you couldn't tell him anything. You looked away from him, down the empty corridor. The two of you were closer than brothers, bound by your secret. Then again, that was the same secret that was allowing Lucius to dismantle your resolve one molecule at a time. If Sirius found out, he would probably hunt Lucius down and go through all the hexes he had learned since first year, and smile as he was kicked out of school. But that wasn't right. Lucius didn't carry all the blame for this.

As the blindfold was removed, you resisted looking up at him. You were here out of blackmail, but was it supposed to feel like this? Were you supposed to want more? You closed your eyes, resting your head on the floor again as he removed the cord from your wrists. Your shoulders ached, and you were sure your elbows would be bruised the next day.

What had you done?

You had cheated, and you felt awful. But you hadn't cheated willingly. Did that make it better? Sirius was waiting for your answer.

What had you done?

"What have I done?"

"Done what?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, I--it's nothing."

Sirius sighed, obviously frustrated. "I'm not going to tell Remus or Peter, if that's what you're afraid of."

"No, it's not, I just--"

"Don't want to talk about it."

"No, not especially."

"What, do you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you." Trust. The sound of the word made you nauseous. Trust was what had gotten you into this mess in the first place. No. That was wrong. It was your carelessness, your need to break molds. You were never satisfied with what life gave you and congratulations, Potter, it's now given you more than you can handle.

"Then tell me what's going on. I won't talk to Remus or Peter if you don't want me to."

"I can't talk to you about it here."

"That's fine. Do you want to meet later tonight?"

"Can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"I just...can't."

"Why?"

"Because I'm having sex with Lucius Malfoy in the Potions classroom! What business is it of yours?" A mix of relief and horror tainted your words. Had you really just told him the truth? Of course, the truth was more unbelievable than any lie. In a way, your mind felt cleared, knowing that Sirius now had the reason for the way you were acting, but if he ever did discover that you hadn't just made up some excuse to sound obnoxious, what would he do to you? Would he keep quiet, or tell the others? Would he never speak of it and let the unresolved tension dissolve your friendship?

Sirius grinned. "You are the worst liar. You couldn't come up with something better than that?"

"No, sorry." Your heart sank, and you tried to smile. The worst liar. Does he know you're losing all that sleep to save him?

"Look, whatever you're doing is your business, I guess, but it's killing you. I just thought you might like to talk about it. Remember talking? That thing you do where sound comes out of your mouth?"

"I remember." You remembered the gag, how sound didn't come out of your mouth. Couldn't. You remembered the flat, dry taste of the silk.

"Tomorrow, after dinner?"

"I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to!" What was Sirius's problem? Did he have to be so nosy? You had told him the truth. It was his problem, not yours, if he couldn't believe it.

Sirius looked as though you had slapped him. "Sorry. I just worry, you know."

"Go worry about something important, then! Leave me alone."

"You are important. But since that doesn't seem to matter to you, I guess I'll go." He turned away.

Look back, Sirius. Look back. Please.

Damn.