Like the Finest Gold

If it hadn't been for Remus, you would have slept through Divination the following morning. Wouldn't that have been Lucius's ultimate satisfaction, knowing you were missing class because of what he did to you?

Anyone else would have been satisfied with your offers of homework and fixing Quidditch matches. How long had he been watching you? The two of you had never spoken to each other in any tone except one of contempt, and yet he knew how to pierce deep into the thoughts you hid from everyone, even yourself. More than the physical pleasure, it was the fire that consumed every inch of your being when he stood to intimidate you. No other challenge in your life sparked what he did. You had no words to describe it, just the swirl of hatred and passion in your bloodstream. You could still taste him, feel yourself in his mouth. Embers of his touch smoldered in the pit of your stomach.

"James!" came the urgent whisper, and a kick in your shin.

"Ouch!"

Remus drew his foot back and leaned over, watching Professor Trelawney out the corner of his eye.

"What is your problem today?"

"Nothing. I just didn't sleep well."

"Pay attention! I don't understand a word of this, and I'm going to need to copy off someone."

"Why don't you copy off Peter? He's the one who actually knows what goes on in this class."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Next time, I'll just let you sleep through."

"Sorry."

"Mr. Potter! Mr. Lupin! Have you predicted what we will be learning next, and would you like to share it?"

"Sorry, Professor." But you thought you heard Remus mutter, "you overgrown glittering bat slave driver" under his breath.

At lunch, you couldn't eat. Your stomach was in knots and even the water in your glass looked nauseating. You played with your silverware and created sculptures with your mashed potatoes and peas.

"What's in your bag? James!"

"Huh?"

Remus was staring at you again. "Your bag. You keep looking at it like it's going to spew Chocolate Frogs or something."

"Oh...oh no. No. Nothing's in there." That was the problem.

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Fine. Really. Just didn't sleep well." And don't know if I ever will again.

For weeks Lucius made you wait. You fell right into his trap and let your guard down. Maybe he had just used that first night as a warning, something to keep you in line? No, that couldn't be it. If Lucius Malfoy was anything, it was calculating. He knew exactly what he was doing. Your sense of self nearly drowned in your desire for him, and he knew it. How on earth were you going to survive the year?

Stop it. Stop it. Stay down. Act normal. Remember to sit on this side of the table at meals, the side that faced away from the Slytherin table. If he wanted to see you, you'd know. Stop checking your bag.

When the scrap of parchment written in a too-familiar hand demanded your presence one evening, you cursed yourself for even thinking that Lucius would forget about your debt to him. Every nerve in your body fired at once when you opened the note in the privacy of the boys' bathroom, sweat breaking out across your chest. Time never dragged so slowly as it did through classes, dinner, and a study session with Lily.

"James! Does your watch have the answers to our Charms homework?"

"Sorry."

"You're really jumpy tonight. Everything okay?"

"Fine. Just...having a jumpy day, I guess."

"Listen, let's wrap things up. You're not in any mood to study; I can tell."

"No, Lily, it's all right."

"No, it isn't. I'm going upstairs. See you tomorrow."

You twisted inside as you watched her leave, red hair swinging over her shoulders. What were you doing? Were you crazy? She was your best friend, your confidante, the one who always cheered you. You had loved her from the moment you met her, though it took years for your friendship to grow into something more. Lucius Malfoy was destroying the best thing in your life...

...and you were letting him.

You bore down on the parchment in front of you so hard the tip broke off your quill. You wanted to blame Lucius for this, for taking over your life, but you knew it was at least partly your fault. You hadn't been as discreet as usual the month he'd seen you. Last week, during the full moon, you warned Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail to be careful, and they looked at you as though you'd sprouted a second head. Sirius laughed, making some teasing remark about your taking on the deer's skittish personality in addition to its body. Weakly, you had smiled. Acted like you agreed with him.

The whole time, though, Lucius had haunted your thoughts. What if he told anyway? What would happen to your friends? What would it do to your relationship with Lily? Why was he so hard to shake? He had to see the way you looked at him. He had to know that you hadn't slept well since that first night he'd kissed you. He saw you, distracted in Quidditch practice and daydreaming in Potions. Charms was the worst. You saw him sitting at the professor's desk, felt him around you, encapsulating, silk and salt.

You took his note out of your bag, checking around the common room to make sure no one was looking. This note was interesting. It didn't have a location, but it had a set of directions from Gryffindor Tower. They couldn't be right. They seemed to end at the other end of the school, in the north tower, but it was one of the most indirect routes you'd ever seen. Still, you decided, better to follow the directions and be safe. What was there in the north tower, anyway?

You said goodnight to the other Gryffindors as they headed to bed, citing something you didn't understand in Arithmancy as your reason for staying up late. At ten minutes to one you left, leaving your Invisibility Cloak in the dorm. That, at least, you could keep secret. Following his directions, you found yourself standing in a small circular room, facing a rope ladder.

His kiss in greeting was forceful, commanding.

"You taste like fear, Potter."

"It's my new toothpaste. Or the fact that you just had me running all over the school to meet you, trying not to get caught. Nice directions."

"I had to keep you guessing."

"This is Trelawney's room. Doesn't she sleep up here?"

"Guess we'll find out. Hand over your wand."

"What is it with you and my wand?"

"I don't trust you."

"Oh, don't even get me started on trust!"

"Potter, if you don't shut it we're still going to be standing here when your class comes in tomorrow morning."

Reaching into your pocket, you handed him your wand, which he slipped into his robes. He climbed the ladder and tapped the door with his wand.

"Alohomora!"

The door opened, and you followed him into the room. As it was during class, the room was warm, though that might have been your nerves. It still smelled of perfume and incense, the air almost too thick to breathe. Professor Trelawney left her fire burning around the clock.

"Now, let's see. Oh yes. Your robes. It'll be easier if you don't resist so much."

"What will be easier?"

"Get undressed."

The voices in your head began to duel, fighting for reason versus desire, but in ten seconds flat you stood in front of him, nude.

"Much better than last time. Go sit on that couch over there."

"Are you just going to stand there and leer at me while I do?"

"And spread your legs."

"Too ashamed to get undressed in front of me?" You couldn't believe the stupidity that was reaching your ears, but you were desperate. You could not let him know that you were going willingly, though you were sure he knew the truth.

"And put your hands on the back of the couch, and if you move them, I will tie you there and leave you for your friends to find tomorrow."

He followed you across the room. You sat facing the fire, watching the flames dance in place. The light formed a corona around Lucius, highlighting flyaway wisps of his hair. Never taking his eyes off you, he removed his robes.

His skin glimmered, bending the light into white beams that followed the slight curve of his slender waist and thighs. You hardened watching the fire's glow reflect off the fine blond hairs on his body, like tiny diamonds.

"Enjoying this, Potter?"

Too much. "Oh yes, because I always enjoy sitting naked with my legs open in front of someone who hates me."

"I never said I hated you. You aggravate me, but I don't hate you."

"You...don't hate me? What do you mean you don't hate me?"

"Hatred would be wasted on you. You and I are too alike for me to hate you."

"We're nothing alike! You-you're a Slytherin, and--"

"Potter!"

"Sorry," came your whisper as he sat beside you. You were in no position to be defiant, and you both knew it.

"Look at me."

It took all the courage you possessed to look into his eyes, winter gray and eerie in the firelight. Every second you held his gaze, your heart threatened to fail you. He held your face, fingers sliding toward the back of your head, thumb on your cheekbone. You tilted your head into his grasp, reaching for the inside of his wrist with your mouth. His scent of rosewood filled your mind, scrambling any reason you had left.

"I thought you were only here because I forced you."

"I am." But the way I feel right now...no one could force that.

"Good. I wouldn't want to think that James Potter, picture of virtue, was here, naked in an empty classroom with me, because he wanted to be."

"You know I'm only here for Sirius, Remus, and Peter."

"Are you?"

You knew the answer. Hated the answer with all you were. Maybe you wouldn't be here if he hadn't found out about the three of you, but now that you were here, you couldn't help but wonder if it was something you might have found on your own. You still wanted to know how he couldn't hate you, and how you were alike, as he said you were.

"None of your business." Oh, could you have said anything more incriminating?

"Thought so," he smiled. You almost lost your balance as he pulled your head toward his, his kiss heated and furious. Uncertain, you mimicked his movements. He pulled your lower lip into his mouth with his teeth, biting gently, sending tremors down your spine. How did Lucius know how you liked to be kissed? What else did he know about you? As you moved your arm off the back of the couch, he trapped it in its spot.

"I meant what I said."

"Sorry." An attempt to imitate his usual sarcasm failed, and your voice came out too apologetic.

"Lie down."

Vertebra by vertebra, you lowered yourself onto your back. He knelt beside you on the floor, restraining one wrist and touching your cheek with the other hand.

"Close your eyes."

That was the most terrifying command he had given you yet. You had to trust that he wouldn't hex you, leave you naked and unconscious for the other Gryffindors to discover tomorrow morning. You didn't have an ounce of faith in him, yet you knew you had to obey him. He held your reputation, your honor, your secret, in his hands.

His eyelashes tickled your stomach as he kissed you down the length of your body. Your hands curled into fists, resisting the need to touch him, to feel more of that inhumanly smooth skin. Raising your hand, he took your fingers into his mouth, kissed your palm, nibbled your wrist. He stroked the inside of your thigh, tormenting you with tiny pinches.

"Like being out of control?"

Your breath came shallow, a canticle of lust. Do not speak. Do not move. Do not betray yourself.

"Well?" Choke back your gasp as he took you in his mouth, steaming and supple. Do not speak. Struggle to hold on to your sanity. Do not move. Keep your hips down, resist the need to thrust as he moved so slowly as to be agonizing. Do not betray yourself.

"Malfoy...please..."

He ignored your pleas...your demands...setting his own rhythm in the silence broken only by the crackling fire. Inches from your climax, he drew his head back.

"No...don't stop." Did you really say that? Did you just beg someone you hated to keep doing something you were not supposed to let him do in the first place?

"What?" He had to have heard you. He had to know how close you were.

"Don't stop."

"You want me to keep going?"

"Yes! Is something wrong with your hearing?"

Laughing, he pulled his hair back from his face. Within a minute you came, pride vaporized under his tongue.

"I get the feeling you were not supposed to like that as much as you did." His words were too loaded, his tone too knowing, the casual way he looked at you too mocking.

"No." The last thing you wanted to hear right now was his taunting voice reminding you that you were supposed to be anywhere but here. You drew back from him as he ran his hands over your legs and chest.

"Are you still going to try to convince me that you're only here because of what I've got on you and your friends?"

"I'm not in a mood to talk." Was he trying to hold a conversation with you? Act like you had done nothing more than share a cup of tea? Don't laugh, though you wanted to do nothing more.

"But you're going to. The full moon would be a very bad time for me to summon you, wouldn't it?"

You sat upright, horrified. "You're not going to! You don't understand. I have to be with them!" He wouldn't keep you from Remus, would he? Remus might kill someone. He had to know that.

"As much as you have to be with me?"

"There is no 'have to' in this..whatever it is we're doing! I would never be here by choice, and you know it."

"That may be true, but now that you are, I somehow doubt you're going back anytime soon. The way you begged me not to stop…that was more than just obligation to your friends."

"Oh you are such a--" Words did not exist.

"Call me whatever you want, but it's not going to change anything. It doesn't change that you were desperate for me to keep going. It's not so much that you let me, but that you wanted it."

"I did not!" Oh hell. You did.

"You did."

You shoved him away, pacing angrily toward his robes. Taking advantage of your head start, you found your wand, turning on him as he got to his feet.

"I'm getting dressed, and I'm going back to Gryffindor."

"Good. That'll give you some time to think."

"About what?"

"Your current residence in the state of denial! Wake up, Potter! You're in way over your head, and you're enjoying it."

"I am not!"

"And you sound like an eight-year-old."

"Malfoy, just...leave me alone!"

"I will for now, but someday soon you're going to have to face the way you feel."

"But not today." You climbed through the trapdoor, lowering yourself down the rope ladder. Shit. He was right. Why was he always right when it came to you? How did he know so much about who you were and what you wanted? Even Sirius didn't know this much about you. Then again, that was probably a good thing. Sirius. Would he find out? Would he notice? Would he question you? Were you as transparent to Sirius as you were to Lucius? And what was with Lucius saying you were alike, and that he didn't hate you? Hatred was wasted, was what he said. Maybe you could accept that, but you could not accept that the two of you were alike in any way. Wasn't he everything that you hated, conniving and manipulative and…

...and so damn talented with his mouth.

This was so wrong. So wrong. This was going to ruin you. Ask yourself, Potter, is it worth it? Could you exist without it? Think of your future. Think of Lily, and Remus, and Peter, and Sirius. Could you balance them with Lucius?

Could you?