Sirius Black and the Drapery of Doom

Even if he'd had something to say about Moony's morning, Sirius wouldn't have said it, and not just because he was feeling too nauseous to open his mouth at the moment....

He wasn't talking nonsense, he was admitting the truth. He was difficult, Moony had just said so.... He'd done ... things -- things they should never have forgiven him for; but they had, without him even asking.

Why was he ever given friends so good? Why, when all he did was fail them?

Sirius watched, head still resting on his arms, as Remus emerged from the pantry with coffee beans and set about doing something at the counter. Probably making coffee. After a few minutes he returned with two steaming mugs and set one down in front of Sirius. Yes, he had definitely made coffee.

"Don't you want to know how the mission went?" he asked, calmly sipping his.

Sirius didn't really hear him. "It's not nonsense, I --"

"I know it's not," Remus cut him off. "I know you have regrets, Sirius, we all do --" Moony wasn't letting him talk, "-- but you're letting yourself get too worked up just now, and you're in no condition --"

Why wasn't Moony listening? Why couldn't he see how important it was for Sirius to say --

"I sent a werewolf after you."

Remus stopped mid-sentence, mouth open, and frowned. "Er," he said slowly, "I don't think so. I was only six at the time, and so were you."

Sirius realized his mistake. "I mean a Snape. I sent a Snape after you. You were the werewolf."

Remus stiffened and fixed Sirius with that special Look, the one like he was trying some new non-invasive form of Legilimency. Sirius had been getting that Look a lot all year, but he welcomed it this time because he wanted Moony to see in his head, see he was genuinely sorry.... He'd never said it before, he wanted to say it now, but ... he was feeling entirely too warm....

"That you did," said Remus eventually, his face impassive again. He took another sip of coffee and seemed to be waiting for Sirius to say something else: but Sirius was too busy willing himself not to get sick all over the table. "Why did you do it?" Remus finally asked, sounding like he'd just caught Sirius being naughty and was about to set him lines.

"Didn't think he'd -- that he'd actually do it," Sirius managed through a hiccup. Standard answer.

"But you weren't sorry that he did." Standard reply.

His vague anxieties were now focusing into a long-forgotten, burning panic. With one tiny mistake he'd turned all his friends against him.... He would be expelled ... forced to return to Grimmauld Place for good, to live with Mother....

His heart was racing.

He had no one to turn to....

And, almost reflexively, he could feel his face contorting into a contemptuous sneer. It fought back the dread some; they were all idiots. They'd soon come to their senses and realize he'd done nothing wrong.

"Don't give me that look," said Lupin coldly. "You brought it up."

Sirius was startled back to the present. He was not sixteen, they had not abandoned him -- well, his friends hadn't anyway....

They were too good.

"I -- I'm ..." Sirius sniffled, closed his eyes, tried to concentrate. The nausea, the headache, the spinning room ... he knew he had to say something ... but his face was all sweaty ... he had to say -- he had to lie down....

He turned to his side and found a dustbin, noting dimly that Remus must have conjured it.

When he sat up two minutes later there was a glass of water waiting for him, and he gulped it down gratefully. He was already feeling cooler and more relieved, but also rather drowsy.

Remus, who had been reading a crinkled note with raised eyebrows, now folded and set it aside, and vanished the contents of the dustbin with a lazy flick of his wand. "Eat this," he said, holding out a piece of chocolate.

Sirius took it with the distinct impression they'd just been talking about something important. He looked at Moony for some sort of clue, but Moony just sat there with a look of polite, Dumbledorish expectation on his face.

Sirius closed his eyes, sniffled again, and was on the verge of conking out when it hit him....

"I'm sorry."

"I know."