Liberté Foncée

You will be found out
I can not believe
In the one that I need

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
How'd you get so high
Why you're keeping me low
I don't know

Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash

-- Matchbox-Twenty, Cold

CHAPTER NINETEEN: SUNSHINE AND DAISIES

"Adrienne, what the hell--"

"Just come with me," Adrienne said calmly. She kept walking.

Ayden followed, mystified, as Adrienne scanned the closed doors lining each corridor they passed, finally ending up in front of the Demonology lounge, the place Ayden least wanted to see after having spent six hours there a few evenings before. The evidence he'd been there - cold coffee (with cream, thankyouverymuch) and a pile of books - was still in place, like a flashing neon sign reminding him he hadn't finished the work he had to do.

"Did we have to come here?" he asked distastefully.

"No," Adrienne replied. "But we're here anyway." She studied the room and once she was sure it was empty, she closed the door and with a wave of her wand locked it.

Ayden raised an eyebrow. "Look, love, if you wanted to go at it a last time before this fight, the training room was closer."

Adrienne snorted. "Don't flatter yourself. That's not why we're here."

"S'not? Shame. Why are we?"

"I want to talk to you."

"We couldn't talk back there?"

"I really don't want either Conlon or Cal to hear this conversation," she said stiffly.

"That narrows down topics considerably," Ayden said sarcastically.

"Could you not talk?" When this request was met with silence, which she took as a positive response, she went on. "I was wondering whether to tell you about this... Particularly since it's been so long and I haven't bothered to yet." She shrugged. "But I suppose you should know. I mean, most people would want to."

"Yes?"

She sighed and sat down on one of the couches. Ayden, sensing that this - whatever it was - might take a while, followed suit.

"It was, what, four years ago? Five? I honestly can't remember. Hell, I didn't even know until you showed us those pictures..." She laughed dryly. Ayden made an attempt to follow this, and quickly gave up, deciding to smile, nod, and pretend he knew what she was saying instead.

"Anyway. I was on assignment, out for a killing. The only reason I remember it is because I knew the girl we were after." She stopped and studied his expression, watching his response as she said, "She was my sister."

Ayden, who'd been busy retying his shoelace, raised his head and stared at her. "You killed your own sister?"

"No. We meant to kill her, but there were... complications." Adrienne scowled.

"Complications," Ayden repeated slowly. Why she was telling him this was a mystery, but he listened just the same.

"Yes. Oh, don't look at me like that, Ryan, there were circumstances. Even I wouldn't kill family if there wasn't a reason."

"Wonderful to know; you're such a humanitarian."

She went on as though she hadn't heard him. "I didn't know there wouldn't be anyone else there, or who he was at the time... That came later. With you."

"Me?"

"Yes... It was a normal job, really, but he got in the way. I guess we hit him, missed her... She was knocked unconscious; we thought they were both dead. There wasn't time to check. We heard someone coming; we weren't supposed to kill anyone else on that job. Didn't feel like breaking the rules any more. It seemed to matter back then.

"We thought we'd finished what we had to do, thought that was that. So we made a run for it, and didn't think about it again for a few years." She smiled in gross amusement. "Kind of your fault we did remember, really."

Ayden felt lost, one hundred ten percent. So they'd killed someone by mistake years ago. It wasn't as though they hadn't done it before. "Why--?"

"Let me finish," Adrienne said, and he fell silent. "We didn't know she hadn't died until you told us so."

"I did what?"

"We also didn't know for certain we'd killed anyone else. We suspected, but..." She fixed her gaze on him, looking away from what must have been a very interesting spot on the back wall. Ayden still looked bewildered.

"Your brother, Ayden," said Adrienne finally. "I'm talking about the night we killed your brother."

It felt like the room should be dark, probably a cramped corridor in an old manor. The room should be dark and there should be a storm outside, a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder just as Adrienne said it.

It felt like there should be a commercial break to give viewers some time to grasp what had just been said, to give the actors time to regain composure and gather momentum for the next scene.

But reality isn't like that. There was no cramped corridor and no thunderstorm, and no long silence to follow her announcement. There was just the brightly lit Demonology lounge. There wasn't any commercial break and that light was too bright and there was confusion and he couldn't have heard her right; it was absurd, and--

"You what?"

"He died when you were what, fourteen? Death Eaters, right?"

"Yes, but... It wasn't you, it can't've been."

"It was."

"But... why?" He was stunned.

"I told you, Ayden. It was a mistake. He got in the way, didn't want us to kill her."

Her. Violet. Ayden's brain started putting pieces together with the speed of...something very slow. "Violet... she was your sister?"

"Is that was she was calling herself when she was with you? Yes, she was. Still is, as a matter of fact. Unless she's dead, which I highly doubt."

"She vanished... the day I turned eighteen. She wasn't there anymore."

"It was a deal with her organization; I'd bet a month of no caffeine on it. She worked for the Fighters, and we caught her passing information from us to them. She could stay with you until you were old enough to be on your own, of legal age. Then she had to disappear."

Ayden blinked. And then he blinked again. Violet? With the Fighters? What the fuck?

He realized Adrienne had stopped talking, and that moment, rather than giving him a comfortable silence to adjust, was filled with a buzzing of thoughts arranging themselves in his head to somehow make coherent sense.

"She was caught passing information, so you were sent to kill her," he said slowly. "Mark got in the way so you killed him too. What's another life, right? He wasn't even pureblooded. Then I came along and... you saw the photographs, I told you he'd died..."

He felt himself getting angry, balancing his uncertainty. "You said it had to be hard, that I'd lost them both in an attack. I never told you anything about an attack. You knew then, and you knew Vi was still alive."

"Yes."

"But you didn't tell me. Why should you? Why bother telling me what happened to my family? It's easier to just lie, right? Pretend you don't know anything about it."

"I didn't lie," Adrienne said coolly. "You never asked."

"So you just kept quiet about it, did you?" Ayden was on his feet, but he didn't remember standing up.

"Any particular reason I shouldn't have?"

"Particular reason? What the fuck do you mean particular reason? I need to defend myself here?" He started pacing, just to give himself something to do.

"For once Conlon was right about something," Adrienne said, rising off the couch and blocking his path to stop him and look him in the eye. "I shouldn't have told you anything, you're only blowing it out of proportion."

"So everybody knew about this except me? So glad to know I'm among friends."

"Knew?" Adrienne snorted. "Ayden, Conlon was there. You think 'we' is just my separate personalities and myself? He might've cast the curse himself for all I remember. And he told Cal, of course. He can't keep anything from his little princess, now can he?"

"Why am I not surprised?" But he was. He might have expected this from Adrienne or Conlon. After all, neither of them was exactly winning a prize for honesty any time soon, but Cal... She must have known, but he felt disbelieving that she hadn't said anything to him. She'd always been so sweet, innocent almost. At least compared to anyone else here.

"She wanted to tell you. It turned into a big argument with her and her boy, but it blew over. Those two couldn't stay angry with each other for anything."

What a concept. "So you all kept quiet, and to hell with me."

"Ayden, it was years ago. We didn't know you. We were doing our jobs."

"And that makes it all sunshine and daisies, does it?"

"You're overreacting."

"No, I'm not. Overreacting would be if I were yelling. Am I yelling? Do I look like I'm overreacting? I really don't think so. Then again, what's the normal reaction for something like this? Got any experience with it? Bloody hell, Cassada, what did you expect me to do? Tell you it doesn't matter?"

"I didn't expect anything," Adrienne said calmly. "What do you want me to do?"

"Explain why you didn't tell me? Apologize?"

"You didn't need to know. I'm not sorry about it, Ayden, I didn't know him. I didn't know you."

Ayden laughed, a humorless laugh of disbelief. "And that's an excuse? I didn't need to know? Who are you to decide?"

"I should've known you wouldn't take it well."

"And tell me, what would be taking it well, Adrienne? How would you take the news that someone you thought you could trust killed the only family you cared about?"

"You make it sound like I betrayed you," said Adrienne, sounding disgusted.

"What would you call it?"

"I would and do call it a mistake. He got in the way, that's all."

"Got in the way."

"He fought, if that's what you want to hear, Ayden. Didn't help him any, but he saved her. At least for the time being."

"So you went back a few years later to finish the job, did you? Thought you'd give the people I cared about a break, then went and killed Vi later?"

"Have you been listening at all?" Adrienne snapped. "We didn't kill her. Chances are she's still alive."

"Then--"

"Christ, Ryan, don't be so naive! They saw we were after her, and they told her to get out. But she cared about you, wanted to make sure you were all right, so she stuck around until you were old enough to legally be on your own, then she vanished. Probably changed her name and moved to a different city, maybe changed her hair. Just so that if we knew she was still alive we wouldn't find her, not too easily." She stopped and watched him.

She'd never seen Ayden like this, truly angry. He was usually so mellow. Even in a bad mood, he'd never looked this way, tensed and ready to snap. Eyes wild, fists clenched.

"It was a long time ago." Adrienne reached out a hand and gingerly touched his arm. "If I thought it would be best, I'd tell you I'm sorry. But I'm not, and you don't need to be lied to again. It wouldn't help."

He didn't push her hand away, but he didn't react either. Just stood there, motionless, glaring. "So you admit you lied to me."

"To use your terminology." She stepped nearer. "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter," he said, and she leaned forward, kissing him on the cheek. "How can you say it doesn't matter?"

"This shouldn't be taking so long," she said. "It's not that big of a deal, Ryan, shape up."

He stepped back, fell back down onto the couch, and put his hands to his head, rubbing his temples to ward off the impending headache.

"I don't understand you," he said finally.

She smiled. "No one does."

"I used to. I thought."

"You were wrong."

"We all make mistakes. 'Cept you, apparently."

"I never said it wasn't a mistake. It was, and I've agreed that it was. Not one I give a damn about, mind. You're just taking this all the wrong way, Ayden."

"The right way would include me shrugging my shoulders and following you into the nearest dark corner for a pep-up shag, then?"

"Not exactly, but that wouldn't be bad."

There was a long pause.

"I don't want to talk about this now," said Ayden.

"Then don't."

"I don't want to think about it, either."

"Not my problem." Beat. "Come on, Ryan, we've got work to do."

*

They met Conlon and Cal on the main staircase outside the training room with an awkward silence. Adrienne nodded to Conlon, who glanced uncertainly at Ayden.

"We should go," Adrienne said. "It's almost time."

"Why's it always gotta be midnight?" Conlon asked. He and Adrienne took the lead, walking the same way Adrienne and had come.

Ayden began to follow slowly. He felt a hand on his arm, and turned to see Cal looking up at him apprehensively.

She smiled nervously. "Are you all right?"

"Truthfully? No."

Cal swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

Ayden shrugged. "Not your fault."

"I should have told you."

"I imagine it'd feel about the same. So it doesn't really matter."

She hesitated. "We should go after them."

"You can," Ayden replied with a shrug.

"You're not coming?"

"I don't know. I'll see you later, okay?"

She nodded, then hurried off after Adrienne and Conlon. Ayden watched their retreating backs, and then pushed a tapestry to his right aside, stepping into the tunnel behind it.

Just a few steps down, he shakily sank to the ground, trying hard to breathe.

*

"You just let him go?" Adrienne asked disbelievingly.

"He's an adult. He can take care of himself," Cal replied coolly.

"I'm not sure he's exactly in a good state at the moment."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Ladies," Conlon said gently.

Cal and Adrienne fell silent, and the three of them kept walking.

*

Katherine Blake fastened the top button of her cloak and took her wand off of the dresser beside her.

Braeden stood by the door and smiled bitterly. "Some Christmas," he said.

"It could be end up being worth it. If we did find out what we wanted to know."

"Look at the chances realistically," he said unhappily. "The likelihood of us finding Adrienne in the middle of all the chaos is--"

"She's never been all that focused on being hard to find," Katherine said casually. "She always lost at hide and seek when we were children because she got impatient hiding. She loves to make a scene."

"I remember."

"We'll find her."

"What if we really do?"

"You've been trying to find her for years, and you don't know what you want to say to her? Just do whatever feels right at the time."

Braeden frowned. "I hardly think," he said thickly, "that anything at the time will feel right."

*

Clearly, Adrienne thought, their attackers did not concern themselves with punctuality. It was twelve-seventeen and still no sign. She sighed, leaning against the wall.

"Do you think it'll really be tonight?" asked Cal.

"It'll be tonight," Adrienne said firmly.

Conlon reached over and squeezed Cal's had. She smiled at him nervously.

There was a deathly silence over the entire castle. Adrienne didn't like silence; it was unnerving. This was why she always made a point of promptly falling asleep before the quiet got to her at night. But now there was no time to nap now. They all had to be alert.

What felt like an hour passed in absolute quiet. Adrienne checked her watch, surprised to see it had been only ten minutes.

Another five minutes later, there was still nothing. Ten. Fifteen.

And then the quiet had had enough of itself. Quite suddenly, the world imploded.

*

Ayden distantly heard the sound of thousands of pairs of feet suddenly in motion. He heard the buzz of hundreds of voices shouting various curses, and felt almost as though he could see the several dozen colors of the spells.

Dimly, he got to his feet, feeling to make sure the wall hadn't simply fallen away leaving him in an endless void (it wouldn't have surprised him). Slowly, he began to take the long way out of the passage.

*

The roar reached them last, at the far end of the building. Adrienne was on her feet in a split second, wand poised. Cal shivered and reached for her own. Conlon closed his eyes and said a prayer to a God in whom he'd never believed before.

Adrienne smiled at the two of them. "Good luck," she said. She sounded extremely relaxed, and Cal supposed this came with being a murderer who killed for fun. She nodded mutely, but couldn't return the smile.

*

When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a sin

Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

-- Pet Shop Boys, It's a Sin

Ayden was sure he'd fallen and hit his head and was really lying somewhere, asleep, and that this - this whole night - was a dream. He'd wake up any minute and everything would be okay.

Maybe it wasn't just this night, maybe it was the past five years. Yes, that was it. Mark wasn't dead, Adrienne didn't exist, everything was just a long and detailed nightmare. Everything.

But even if he'd cared to pinch himself to check, Ayden would still see that this was, in fact, reality. Everything he'd heard only an hour ago was true. Everything was mixed up, the world had gone mad. Absofuckinglutely mad.

And the person who had been his best friend since he was six and a half - because his age still had fractions back then, so had Shane's - was standing in front of him, staring at him, shocked and furious, cursing his way through the dictionary of swear words.

So Rayne hadn't been mad after all, Shane thought, and he felt ill. This was impossible. Ayden wasn't... No, he was dead. Long dead. They'd buried him and everything, there had been a funeral, he'd had to wear all black because that was the proper thing to do and oh, shit.

"You're dead," he said. His voice was hoarse and he couldn't believe his own eyes, barely heard the words come out of his mouth. He sounded so far off, even to himself. Miles away, a distant echo reaching his ears as proof that he'd actually made any noise.

Bad dream, bad dream, bad dream, Ayden thought. Wake up, damnit. You don't know how to deal with this, his brain said to him. Except that he was awake, and he had to, whether he knew how or not.

His mind raced through possible things. 'So we meet again?' No, too evil overlord-y. 'Oh, my God.' No, too girly. Finally he decided upon the smartest thing he could come up with:

"Oh, fuck."

Shane seemed to be having similar thoughts. Or, rather, non-thoughts. Because nothing running through Ayden's head at this moment could be a coherent thought, not even in the most liberal sense.

"You... this... Christ." Shane gaped at him a moment longer. Then, when Ayden didn't offer any explanation for being alive (the best thing he could come up with was Well, Mummy and Daddy really loved each other very much, you see, and when that happens..., anyway), he said, "So this is it, then. This is what you said I wouldn't be able to handle."

"Yeah," Ayden said. "Yeah, it is."

For a moment, it seemed almost as though everything would be okay. As though they could just make a run for it and everyone would think he'd died in battle, and he could just go back to the way things had been. But, of course, that would be too easy.

"You were right," Shane said, surprisingly calm. "I don't understand."

"I--"

"I don't want to understand. What the fuck are you doing here, Ryan? This isn't your place. You're not supposed to be here fighting for this scum. It's not where you belong."

"Where do I belong?" Ayden asked. God, nothing made sense tonight. It was a nightmare, there was no other explanation. But it wasn't, it was just his life, and he'd screwed it up for himself pretty damn well.

"How could you do this?"

"It seemed simple at the time."

"Simple. Betray your friends, everything you ever believed in. Lie to them because you know they'll believe you, at least for a while. Then skive off when things get less cozy than you're used to."

Ayden was angry, all of a sudden. "That's not what happened," he said defensively. He felt like he was a kid who'd just been caught snogging his best friend's girl, trying to explain the concept of 'one thing led to another and...'

"You want me to tell you what happened? Fill in the blanks for you?" Shane looked furious. "Rayne had a breakdown the day you left. It was too much for her. Did she tell you that when she saw you? I didn't believe her when she told me. Had her committed, actually.

"Alena hasn't been in touch much except to yell at me about it. She's fairly certain that you're a murderer and a traitor, and she'll be thrilled to know she was right. And me, I don't really know. Other than wrong and going to Hell, I don't really see what to say about myself."

Ayden didn't know what to say or think. He was so lost under everything that had already happened tonight, and now this, that he just couldn't really understand the words. It was a buzz and it shocked him and angered him and depressed him all at once, but it hadn't hit him full yet.

All he knew was his wand in his hand and the hatred in the vicinity and the cloud in his head. The light came next, back and forth, saying everything that needed to be said, just between friends.