Falling and Vanishing

Prologue:

The lone man walked on the rising cliff, the mist swirling around him made him just above an illusion.

He knew for sure that he was being watched. He could just feel the eyes following him on the deserted moor. How many, he didn't know, but he knew someone was watching him.

Confidently walking forward. He stopped about three feet away from the edge of the cliff, which fell steeply into a cove full of churning water and sharp rocks. He bid goodbye to the world around him.

Then, he jumped, plummeting the hundred feet into the churning, shallow waters bellow.

Twenty-two minutes later, Daniel Marcos rushed into Professor Albus Dumbledore's office, "Sir! Sirius Black's dead!"

Chapter One:

Sarina McAllister let out a shuddering sob. Her tears fell onto her black skirt and left a trail of water. She was at a funeral. A funeral for her love, Sirius Black.

And he'd ended his own life.

She stared miserably at the empty coffin, her thoughts swirling mist. Why? Why had he killed himself?

She let more tears drop after she felt pang after pang of sorrow.

The only man she ever loved, the only man who did anything. Snatched, as was everything from her. Robbed of her parents when she was little, living on her own. Sarina had had a hard life and her blue eyes showed that. They had compassion, but they also held a deeper secret, one of sorrow, pain, and guilt. She was hardened by life, but not hard enough to block out all her feelings.

Sirius Black, a man she had met a year ago, had shown her all the happiness of life. He moved her away from her pain and opened a new door, a door for joy, and hope. How she missed him... She wished she could hug him once more, share the same passion, tousle his dark locks.

Sarina Black. Even the name sounded right. Sarina McAllister was a strong woman, but she had been wounded deeply.

Why? She asked Sirius. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave Remus? Why did you leave Harry? We miss you! Come back!

The empty coffin stared her in the face. He had jumped. Jumped off a deserted cliff on a lonely moor. Daniel Marcos had watched it with his own eyes, and he was going to be the next Moody.

He had witnessed the jump and had searched for the body. The only explanation was that Sirius's body had washed away with the current of the churning waters.

Sarina gave a heavy sigh that made her shudder. I thought only cowards died, but I guess I was wrong.

***

A Few Days Before

Sarina used to think that she knew what guilt was. Bloody hell, was she wrong.

Guilt wasn't cheating on a test and not getting caught. Guilt wasn't lying to someone and getting away with it.

No...

Guilt was when someone you loved ended their life, and you knew that you'd been fighting with them. Guilt was when you loved someone with all your soul, and got in a stupid argument with them, then found out you'd never see them again.

Sarina was numb.

She had been for a while.

The letter she'd received that morning was still shaking in her hands, and it was practically falling apart at the creases from all the times she'd opened it and then folded it, trying to convince herself it would hold something different every time she opened it, and then quickly to hide the truth that it held, now and always.

She'd memorized every grief stricken word anyway.

When she'd gotten Remus's letter that afternoon, the owl had dropped it on her kitchen table, then stayed for a few minutes, and watched her sadly, almost as thought it knew what horrors the carefully written ink words contained.

Sarina, I know I should probably tell you this in person, but you've got a right to know more than anyone. This morning, Daniel Marcos from the Ministry saw Sirius heading out towards the moors, and saw him jump off a cliff. Sarina, Sirius is dead. He killed himself this morning.

Sarina felt her heart ache. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying, and her heart was breaking.

Was it her? Was she the reason he'd left? Left life? Sirius Black had been the one person Sarina would have least expected to ever leave in that way - to take his own life.

And yet... he'd done it. And Sarina was left to live the guilt.

***

Sarina was still in shock.

Sirius was dead.

Sirius had killed himself.

The fact hadn't quiet sunk in yet.

She threw her coat on a chair. She wondered if it was healthy to feel so many things at the same time. She felt hatred, she felt love, she felt despair, yet she felt hope. She felt sadness, and the burning tears she had kept locked away for years of pain.

She reached for a plain composition book, took out the pen taped to the back, and began to write.

Dear Diary,

The last time I wrote, I wrote to tell you about the dream man I had met. The man I fell in love with... the first man I gave my heart to... the man who had made me feel like I was worth something... the man who gave me my real happiness.

That man's name was Sirius Black.

He killed himself.

Sirius, who had never had a moment fear, who had all the courage in the world... who didn't believe in giving up.

The man who thought people who ran away from it all were cowards.

But, Diary, I can't help feeling that this man is - was - not a coward. But he ran away, just like he told me cowards do. I don't understand, not one bit! Sirius and I were in a fight when he died. Not that big of one, but it was our first. Now it doesn't matter who started what, or who did what.

I lost him.

I lost Sirius.

I may have even killed him. I can't bear thought, because I loved him, no matter what I said or did, I still loved him, with all of my heart.

I still love him.

I miss him.

I wish I could tell him one last time that I love him. I wish I could apologize. Maybe our love was never meant to be.

I'm sure that I will be able to read this again, I've smudged the writing with tears, and these words hold to much pain for me to ever experience again.

I'm locking them away, and I'm never going to look at them again. I wish I could have him back, the first and last happiness of my life.

***

Sarina wiped the tears starting to form in her eyes. This was getting ridiculous. She hadn't married him - she was acting like she had, but she hadn't. But that was how much loved him, she argued with herself.

Her world seemed to hold no color. Her eyes showed it. She was confused, terrified, vulnerable, everything she wasn't when she had Sirius.

Now inside, all was dark.

Sarina was so immersed in her thinking, that she nearly ran into someone.

She flushed, apologized, and headed on. She moved with grace, but felt no grace on the inside.

She felt like going wherever Sirius was.

But he was dead.

She'd had a long talk with Remus earlier. Remus Lupin, Sirius's only living friend. In a way, he had experience equal pain to hers.

Three friends gone - one betrayed, one thinking he had nothing to live for, one a traitor -

Sarina froze, her thoughts interrupted. She glanced up sharply, and the air around her seemed to fall twenty or so degrees rapidly.

That laugh... the one she'd just heard...

She surveyed the back of the man who it belonged too. The dark hair... height half a foot above her own...the laugh... the voice...

Did she dare to hope?

Sarina swallowed hard. Was it possible? Was there a chance? Was Sirius Black somehow alive?

She slipped through the crowd, narrowly missing a young girl chasing a cat, three boys chasing the girl, and their father tearing after all four of them.

Barely six feet away, Sarina tried to calm her pounding heart. Don't get your hopes up. He's dead and you know it, she scolded herself.

She took a deep breath and took another step forward.

The man turned, and Sarina's heart dropped. It wasn't Sirius (You shouldn't have expected him!), yet the face was so similar... The smile... and the sparkle in the eyes...

So similar to the one she'd known and loved....

Sarina tried to slip by him inconspicuously, but the little girl chasing the cat came tearing back.

Sarina was nearly knocked down - right into the familiar stranger.

Once the cat family had passed by again, Sarina pulled back.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, flushing.

The man smiled. "No problem,"

Oh, that smile...

"The name's Sean," he added, holding out a hand. "Sean Blakell,"