Shades of Perfection

Chapter Four

James's Tragedy

James, Remus, Caffrey and I were the only ones left in the common room. We sat in silence, warming our spirits by the crackling fire. The sizzling fire was, in fact, the only sound in the room. The tense silence was tangible. I fidgeted in my seat, and both Remus and Caffrey looked as uncomfortable I was. James's expression was unreadable. He was staring straight ahead, deep in thought. The light from the fire was reflected in his glasses, so I couldn't get a clear view of his eyes. Finally, I couldn't bear the unexplained any more. I had to know what had happened this summer.

"James?" I began. Remus started slightly, and Caffrey glanced from me to James and back again.

He looked up from his reverie at me, and, in that brief moment, I saw through his glasses to the troubled eyes beneath. His face was lined with worry and question. I took a deep breath and forced myself to question him. I couldn't help him if I couldn't get answers.

"What was that all about? With Lestrange?" I continued softly, watching James's disquieted expression for any flicker of emotion that would give us some hint as to what had happened.

I thought he was about to answer. I really did. For one second, I felt like explanation was imminent. Instead, he just looked down again. Then he rose as though weighed down by sorrow so immense and unbearable he couldn't stand to speak, nonetheless stumble up the stairs. He seemed to manage, though, and he soon disappeared from sight.

Caffrey followed his lead, shuffling sedately over to the girl's dormitories and waving goodnight to me from the base of the stairs. Remus got up to leave, but I stopped him.

"Remus, please?" I begged, touching his arm. I desperately wanted to know what Lestrange had been referring to when he had mentioned James already having experienced the powers of Lord Voldemort. James clearly hadn't been physically hurt, but I couldn't say the same for his heart. Remus, Sirius and Peter had to know. They were his best friends. Remus slowly turned to me.

"Lily, something happened this summer, something terrible and unthinkable that completely decimated the illusion of being invulnerable for James," Remus said seriously, choosing his words carefully.

I nodded, surprised. It was as though Remus had read my mind. It was the same thing I had been talking about with Caff and Ari on the train. But whatever had happened must have been awful enough to ruin the entirety of James's personality. I supposed that the only thing for which I could hope was that the damage was temporary.

We got together at the beginning of the summer. The four of us were sitting in James's room, chatting about Hogwarts. Sirius had had to sneak out of his house, and he'd just finished recounting the adventure. Then, the conversation turned to you.

I tried to follow along as Remus launched into his tale.

"Lily. I don't know what to think about her. I'm sick of chasing her, but I just can't stop myself. She's everything I've ever wanted and I'm just everything she's ever hated. I don't know what to do about her," James said, despairing.

It wasn't fair. I couldn't stand that James making this so painful! Did I really mean that much to him? I thought he had teasingly pursuing the one thing he always knew he couldn't get.

"I don't think she knows how you really feel," Remus insisted for the hundredth time.

Had I always known, deep down, that it was more than a teasing crush, more than just wanting to have everything? I pulled myself out of my thoughts and listened to Remus's tale.

"Which means the solution, of course, would be to just go up and kiss her," Sirius contributed. The four boys laughed appreciatively as a knock sounded on James's bedroom door.

"Come in," James permitted.

"No! Don't! We're all naked!" Sirius frantically exclaimed, making Remus and Peter roll around on the floor where they had been sitting, giggling madly. James rolled his eyes, and, fighting a smile, opened the door, admitting his frustrated-looking mother.

"Is everyone ready to go shopping in Diagon Alley?" James's mum asked, her unusually morose expression framed with tired red curls that swayed gently as she spoke.

"Mum, what's the matter?" James said softly to her. "I'll be back in a bit," he supplied to his friends, shutting the door behind him.

Remus, Sirius and Peter could hear James and his mum talking in hushed, urgent voices right outside the door.

"Mum, what is it?"

"James, your dad... well, he's been thinking some things over..."

"Bottom line," James interrupted curtly.

"He doesn't want you to play this year. It is NEWT year, and--"

"WHAT?" James cried indignantly. "But it's Quidditch! I have to play! He knows how important it is to me! Just because he didn't play in school..."

"James, I know. And I'm sure he'll come to his senses eventually. But for now..." she trailed off, and there followed a brooding silence. Then James burst through the door and the other boys hurriedly tried to look occupied and pretend they hadn't been listening.

"It's time to go," James quipped. The Marauders and Mrs Potter headed down the stairs to the family room fireplace. James snatched a handful of Floo powder and threw it into the fire as his dad rushed into the room.

"James--"

"I don't want to hear it," James snapped coldly and stepped into the fire, saying the words that would take him to Diagon Alley. Mr Potter sighed dejectedly and shook his head at the empty fireplace.

"I'll see you when you get back," he said, and he sadly and made his way back to his office.

*~*

"So James has been upset this year because he can't play Quidditch?" I asked, perplexed. If that was the case, he was making a bit more of a fuss of it than was necessary. I, however, had a feeling there was more to the tale.

"No, he can..."

"So his dad changed his mind?"

"No, not exactly. When we got back to the house, he was... he was gone."

"He left them?" I gaped incredulously.

"No," Remus laughed without humor. "There may have been more to their argument than what we witnesses, but Mr Potter would never do that. No, he had just disappeared."

*~*

"James?" Mrs Potter called tentatively, searching for her husband. The house was in a state of absolute chaos. Portraits were torn, furniture broken and overturned, the carpet stained and rug slashed. All of the lights had been extinguished. Suddenly, two dark shapes appeared in the doorway.

The four boys jumped and whipped out their wands. The shadowy figures approached them, and James and his mum let out sighs of relief. They were facing their neighbors, the Liefers, Caffrey's aunt and uncle on her mom's side.

"Carol, Leonard," James's mum said, fighting to keep her voice steady as she looked from one to the other. "What happened?"

Leonard stepped into the light from the open front door and shook his wizened head. His robes rustled as he shifted uncomfortably.

"We saw someone in a dark cloak enter the house," he explained. "I guess we should have, but we didn't think much of it at the time. We heard these--" he gestured around at the furniture strewn along the floor "--crashing, and we came to investigate. They were gone when we got here. I'm so sorry," Leonard mourned, hanging his head.

"I wouldn't be surprised if it was one of You-Know-Who's supporters, or it could have been You-Know-Who himself. James was a sought-after Auror," Carol contributed.

Remus, Peter and Sirius looked from James, who had staggered to the hearth and sat down on it, and his mum, who had put her hand to her mouth to stifle a desperate sob.

*~*

"So..." I said when Remus had finished his story, "So that's it? He just disappeared? Is he alive? Who kidnapped him?" I was brimming with questions. Poor James!

"Mr Potter is... a powerful wizard and brilliant Auror, as Carol said. It is likely that he's with Voldemort or his supporters, who need him for information they will only receive through, undoubtedly, torture. It's also possible that he could escape, and, additionally, there's a chance that he's--dead," Remus whispered the last word, averting his watering eyes.

I couldn't believe it. I was overwhelmed with emotions: pain, regret, loss, pity, frustration, anger, fear, anguish, and, first and foremost, hopelessness. I stumbled backwards onto the stairs leading up to the dormitory in a state of utter shock. Hot tears stung my cheeks. This is what James must have felt, I thought dazedly. Remus sympathetically rubbed my arm, but I barely felt it. He eventually went up to bed.

So, on the first night of school, I cried myself to sleep on the dormitory stairs about a tragedy that wasn't even mine.