The Pain of Loving You

The pain of loving you
Is almost more than I can bear.

-D.H. Lawrence

I only breathe when your mouth opens
I only dream when you're asleep
I only see this room when you are in it...
I only sigh when I'm not with you
I can't remember why I am...

-World Party, "What is Love all About?"

Hermione sighed, and rested her chin on her folded arms, her eyes staring pensively into nothing.

She was sitting by herself in a remote corner of the library. No one else was there, just a first year snoring at the other side of the room. Hermione has surrounded herself with books, some still covered with dust. Somehow, she always felt better in the library. Problems were easier if you could just look them up, if you knew it was just a matter of finding the right page.

'Too bad life isn't like that,' she thought. 'Too bad love can't be cross-referenced and footnoted. I can't just look this up, and memorize the answer.'

She sighed again, then groaned and shuddered violently. How could she have done that? How could she have been so stupid?

Hermione had been walking to class with Harry, like they always did. For once they were alone - the hallway was deserted. Then, it happened. She lost her self-control completely. She just...snapped. She put her hand on his chest, and when he turned to look at her, she reached up and...kissed him. Out of the blue! And just to make matters even better, she missed! Missed! Got half mouth and half cheek, then turned and ran. Just...fled. Didn't look back, didn't go to class, headed straight for the library.

Hermione groaned again. How could she have been such an idiot? She'd liked him forever, the last 5 years anyway. And she'd loved him for the last three. Boy was that nerve-wracking, being in love with someone who was always in such danger. That wasn't even the worst part! This was Harry, beloved of all. He was perfect, good at everything.

Oh, sure, she loved him, sure he was one of her best friends, but the boy drove her to distraction! He was smart, he was handsome, he was a star athlete, he was popular, hell, he was the hero of the wizard world...The Boy Who Lived. The list just went on and on and on and on...

And, yeah, she got better grades. But not because she was smarter, she just paid better attention in school. So she could look things up, Harry just knew. She could read about famous battles, Harry went out and actually lived them.

Why couldn't she have fallen for Ron? But she'd just never felt that way about him. They had always just been friends. Ron was great...funny, nice, intelligent, understanding.

'I guess that would be too easy, wouldn't it. Gotta go for the boy I can't have, don't I. Argh.'

But none of this was new. She'd loved Harry for years, and had known that they were just friends the whole time. Hermione had never let herself picture them as more than friends, never telling anybody how she felt. She'd forced herself to be content with friendship; convinced herself that friendship was better anyway.

What had possessed her to kiss him? And to run like that, if she'd stayed, she could've laughed it off. Haha, just a joke. A joke! Maybe this was best. Hermione had lost a friend, but she'd gained her freedom. Freedom for her mind and heart to belong to herself again.

Who was she trying to kid? She didn't want her freedom; she wanted Harry. Hermione buried her head in her arms, and sobbed.

* * *

Harry was stunned. Shocked. Speechless. He sat in class and didn't hear a word anybody said. She'd kissed him...kissed him? Hermione? Hermione had kissed him? He'd been kissed by Hermione? His mind went in circles.

He'd never in a million years expected this, (Hermione?!) Harry had always had the sneaking suspicion that she liked Ron. But then, in the middle of an absolutely ordinary day, she'd just up and kissed him. Was he going crazy/delusional? He almost couldn't decide whether he'd imagined it all or not. No, Hermione wasn't in class. She never didn't come to class. Harry shook his head, desperately trying to make sense of it all. But Hermione? Kissing him? Nothing would ever be the same.

* * *

Harry looked for Hermione when classes were over, but didn't find her in the common room. Nobody had seen her all day. He sighed. Even while he asked around, Harry had known where Hermione was. The library. Once she'd told him that whenever something bad happened, she felt best in the library. He quietly left, and headed down the hallway.

By the time Harry got to the library, his palms were sweaty. He wiped his hands on his robe, took a deep breath, and silently opened the door.

The library was empty. The lights were dimmed, and Madame Pince was gone for the night. Harry walked down the last row, to Hermione's favorite spot. Sure enough, there she was, surrounded by huge, dusty books, fast asleep. Harry walked up to her, and noticed the dried tears on her cheeks, and in the pages of the book under her head.

He slipped into the seat next to her. He gently put his hand on her head, and traced a strand of her hair down the side of her cheek. "Hermione..." he whispered. "Herm, wake up."

Hermione sighed, and her eyes slowly opened. She lifted her head, and mumbled, "I'm sorry." She cleared her throat. " I'm so sorry, Harry. I just...I just hope we can...it was unforgivable, I know, and stupid and...but maybe we can still be friends?"

* * *

Hermione still felt like she was sleeping. Harry was so close to her, and his eyes were unreadable. Her heart was in her throat; she could feel it beating. And breaking. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again. She swallowed, and somehow managed to raise an eyebrow. Harry cleared his throat.

"Is...is that really what you want?"

What did that mean? Hermione brushed her hair out of her eyes. " Well, no! I love you, Harry. Not as friends. But I would rather be friends than nothing! I guess I just got tired of..."

Harry softly put his fingers on her cheek, and traced down the line of her jaw. Hermione broke off mid-sentence, and looked up at him, longing and confusion warring in her gaze. He cupped her face in his hand, and slowly bent towards her lips. His mouth was warm, and firm against hers. Her hands slid around his back, and she ran her fingers through his hair. She started briefly when his tongue slipped shyly into her mouth, then pulled away.

Harry looked at her questioningly. "So, do you like me?" Hermione asked him.

"No."

Hermione slapped him.

"OW! What was that for? I love you, silly!"

Hermione smiled, and took his face in her hands again.