A Lonely September

A Lonely September

By: Bludiamond

Author's note: This is a songfic based on A Lonely September, by The Plain White T's. It's one of my brother's favorite songs that became a favorite of mine. Recently I was listening to it and realized it is perfect for my puppies. It is a 'how they got together and how they grew apart' story.

I'm sittin here all by myself

just tryin' to think of something to do.

Tryin' to think of something, anything,

just to keep me from thinkin' of you.

But you know it's not working out

'cause you're all that's on my mind.

One thought of you is all it takes

to leave the rest of the world behind.

Hogwarts, 1975:

Remus would often have nightmares for a few days before and after the full moon. Sometimes Sirius would be awoken by Remus's tossing and turning (he seemed to be especially sensitive to that) and he would silently turn into a dog and come over to Remus's bed. He would sit next to the bed and lick Remus's hand to let him know he was there. He'd let him know that everything was alright. And Remus would feel safe. He would pet the dogs head and fall back to sleep.

London, July 1981:

Remus walked into the kitchen and dropped some bags on the table. He called to Sirius. "Padfoot, come look at some of the presents I've picked out for Harry!" Silence. "Padfoot?"

"'M in here Moony." He sounded quiet, and weak.

Remus walked slowly into the living room and saw Sirius sitting slouched over on the couch, a piece of parchment hanging loosely in his hand.

"What is it?" Remus walked over and tried to gently take the letter from Sirius's hand, but Sirius recoiled and folded the letter, putting it inside his robes.

"It's nothing." It was not nothing.

"Then why is it making you this upset? It's not nothing. What is it? You can tell me can't you?"

"It's just a letter from my cousin Andromeda. Just family stuff, no big deal." Sirius lied. "So, what'd you get for Harry's birthday?"

And I didn't mean for this to go

as far as it did.

And I didn't mean to get so close

and share what we did.

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did.

And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did.

Hogwarts, March 1975:

One morning, after some especially terrifying nightmares, Remus woke up with the big black dog lying next to him. His arm had been wrapped around the dog's ruff. The realization that this dog wasn't really a dog, but one of his best mates should have made this situation rather uncomfortable. But in fact it was strangely comforting. He listened to the dog that wasn't a dog's breathing and felt safe and content. He rolled over and went back to sleep. When he woke again the dog was gone, and Sirius was sprawled out in his own bed. Remus felt a peculiar sense of loss.

London, July 31, 1981:

Remus stood in the kitchen doorway and sighed thoughtfully. Sirius and Harry had been playing with all the new toys all day, and now full of hotdogs and birthday cake they had finally exhausted each other. Remus smiled at the ruggedly handsome dark haired man and the playful toddler as they curled up to nap on the couch.

He turned into the kitchen where a disheveled looking James was sipping on a cup of tea. Remus poured himself a cup. He had asked James to join him because he needed to talk to him about something. James sat quietly waiting for Remus to begin.

"James, I'm worried about Sirius. He's been acting strange lately. I know there's something he's not telling me. I just need to know, has he said anything to you?"

"I wouldn't take it personally, Moony. He's under a lot of stress lately. What with the work for the Order, and the news about his brother--"

James cut off when he heard Remus's breath hitch and looked up to see surprise on his face. "What about his brother?" That letter!

"Oh, you don't know." James took a deep breath. "Regulus was murdered by Death Eaters a week ago."

I'm sittin here tryin' to convince myself

that you're not the one for me.

But the more I think, the less I believe it,

and the more I want you here with me.

You know the holidays are comin' up

I don't want to spend 'em alone.

Memories of Christmas time with you'll

just kill me if I'm on my own.

Hogwarts, December 1975:

"Open it now, Moony!" Sirius was sitting at the foot of Remus's bed, so excited he was practically bouncing. He pushed the crudely wrapped present toward his friend, who sat at the head of the bed with a large textbook in his lap.

"Sirius, it's still two weeks before Christmas. Don't you want me to save it until then?" He really wanted to open it now because he was quite curious what it was, but he enjoyed making Sirius beg.

"No, Moony, you have to open it now. Please? You'll see why, just open it."

Remus shrugged and opened the package. It was a rather large, black, stuffed dog.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the gift and said, "You're giving me a stuffed animal?"

Sirius looked slightly hurt. He was sitting cross-legged and absently playing with an untied shoelace. He seemed a little nervous all of a sudden as he stared at the bedspread. "Well--you know--I was just thinking, since there will be a full moon over the holiday and all. . . and since I--Padfoot--won't be there. . . I thought it might help with your nightmares. . ."

Sirius froze. Remus's hand was on his, interrupting the double loop knot he was creating on his shoelace. When he looked up, he seemed surprised to see his friend's smiling face much closer than it was a minute ago. "I love it, Sirius. Thank you. It'll be my temporary Padfoot."

Sirius smiled. "No, there's only one Padfoot." Picking up the stuffed animal he said, "I already named him. You can call him Snuffles."

And I didn't mean for this to go

as far as it did.

And I didn't mean to get so close

and Share what we did.

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did..

And you didn't mean to love me back.

Hogwarts, January 1976:

Padfoot crawled into bed with Remus with more regularity now. It wasn't unusual for him to still be there when the boys got up for breakfast. A few times, Remus noticed with surprise that it wasn't a dog lying next to him when he awoke, but a 16 year old boy. If the other boys in the dorm room noticed the odd sleeping arrangements, they never said a word. They all went about their days as if everything were perfectly normal. Remus had never complained. He never said a word to Sirius for fear that he would stop. He loved the comforting presence, and slept better than he ever had in his life. He loved those mornings when he woke to find Sirius, and not Padfoot, in his bed.

They'd never talked about it really (except for the unusual Christmas gift the year before), until one night Remus woke to Sirius whispering in his ear from behind him.

"Moony? Moony, you awake?"

He had actually been having quite a pleasant dream. He rolled onto is back and looked at Sirius, who was lying on his side next to him. "Am now. What's up, Padfoot?"

"I just. . . I wanted to talk to you about something." The hot breath in his ear made some spot in Remus's back tingle, and even though he was lying down he felt a little dizzy.

"Okay," he said, encouraging Sirius to continue.

"Um, well, you know how I was disowned by my family last year and all. . ."

"Mm hmm."

"Well, for a long time I couldn't sleep. Insomnia, I guess." He was quiet for a minute, as if trying to think of what he wanted to say. Finally he asked, "Do you mind? I mean, is it alright if I sleep here?"

Remus turned onto his side, facing Sirius. He absently moved a lock of hair out of Sirius's eyes and tucked it behind his ear. "I don't have nightmares anymore."

"I know." Sirius took the hand that was touching his hair and held it close to his chest in between them. "I can tell when you're having a bad dream because you get this crease in your forehead and you grind your teeth."

Remus felt his pulse increase. How could being close to this person make him feel so comfortable and safe, and so frightened at the same time?

London, August 1 1981:

Remus was sipping his morning tea and reading the Daily Prophet when Sirius shuffled in, scratching his head and yawning. He muttered a charm to start the coffee pot brewing. Sirius preferred coffee to tea in the morning.

Remus opened his mouth to say good morning but was surprised when something else completely came from it. "Why didn't you tell me about your brother?"

Surprised, Sirius looked at him and said in an accusatory tone, "Don't see why you should care, I mean you haven't seen or spoken to him in years. Have you, Remus?"

But Remus had seen Regulus. The young Black had tracked him down a couple of months prior. He was recruiting dark creatures for the Death Eaters. As a werewolf, Remus was on the list. Voldemort was promising freedoms that Remus's kind had always been denied by the Ministry of Magic if they would join him. Remus had of course told Regulus that he would never work for the Dark Lord. The next time he saw Regulus he was a mess.

"I got your letter. Why did you need to see me? I've already given you my final answer."

"Yes, I know." Regulus was wringing his hands nervously. "I've been given new orders."

Remus waited for him to continue. When he didn't, he became impatient. "So, what has this got to do with me?"

"They sent me here today to kill you. Nobody says 'no' to the Dark Lord." Remus's hand went reflexively to his wand. "Don't worry; I'm not going to do it. I've had enough of it. I want out."

"But nobody says 'no' to the Dark Lord. If you don't kill me, then they will kill you. Even I know this."

Regulus was very pale and shaky, Remus finally noticed. "Listen Lupin, I've spared your life today. You will tell no one we've had this conversation. Especially not my brother."

Remus nodded. He kept his promise.

Sirius spoke, bringing him back to the present, "I know why he died, Remus. I know he was recruiting dark creatures. Why didn't you tell me he had come to you?"

"I didn't want you to have to worry about it."

Sirius didn't speak. Remus wanted to say something, but he knew if he opened his mouth only a whimper would come out. He knew what was coming. He could feel it in the air between them. He'd been feeling it for days.

"We're keeping secrets from each other now, Remus. This isn't good. I think I'm going to get my own place. Just for a while. Just until this bloody war ends."

"But what if it never ends?" Remus' eyes threatened to spill tears, and Sirius didn't answer his question. He just walked back to the bedroom and began to pack his things.

I know it's not the smartest thing to do,

we just can't seem to get it right.

But what I wouldn't give

to have one more chance tonight.

Hogwarts Library, February 1976:

Remus chewed his quill in between paragraphs about the 768^th goblin war. He had missed History of Magic class the day after the full moon and needed to catch up. He heard Sirius come up to his table and plop down in a chair across from him, but he refused to look up from his notes. Finally after listening to much finger tapping and sighing, Remus glanced up at the other boy. "Hullo, Padfoot."

"Wotcher, Moony! Whatcha doin'?" Sirius beamed at him.

"Just trying to catch up from my History of Magic class I missed yesterday."

"Didn't you get the notes from Prongs?"

"Well yes, but I found that random scribbling of 'J.P. hearts L.E.' weren't very helpful."

Sirius laughed out loud, resulting in a resounding shush from the librarian. He scooted around to the other side of the table right up next to Remus and spoke close to his ear. "The boy's in love, Moony. You do know what today is right?"

"Tuesday?"

Sirius smiled and poked Remus in the ribs. "It's Valentines Day of course. So why are you sitting here taking notes instead of in Hogsmead with some pretty young thing, like James and Peter?"

Remus blushed and stammered, "Well I. . . I mean I just. . . Me? What about you? I saw you get at least ten cards at breakfast, most perfumed enough to make me lose my appetite."

Sirius barked a laugh and leaned back in his chair, "Ha. You and your oversensitive nose. I think I actually got about 26 cards but who's counting." Remus huffed and waited for Sirius to continue. "Well those girls are all boring. Besides, someone's got to stay and keep you out of trouble."

Remus just shook his head, smiling, and went back to his notes, and Sirius was actually quiet for a few minutes. Then Remus felt hot breath in his ear again. "Really, Moony, why don't you ever date? I know you got a couple of cards this morning too."

Remus blushed. "If I had a girlfriend, don't you think she'd wonder where I disappeared to for a few days every month? It's just better this way. Less complicated."

Sirius was still breathing in his ear. Remus felt a fluttering in his stomach. Why was his stomach fluttery? Sirius spoke slowly and almost a whisper, "Well maybe you should just be with someone who already knows."

When Remus turned to give Sirius a questioning look, warm dry lips met his. Remus stiffened in shock. When Sirius pulled away he looked flustered. "I'm sorry, Moony. I'm sorry, but. . . I think I'm in love with you. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just. . . well it did. And I am. And I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I just had to tell you."

After an awkward silence, Sirius stood to walk away but Remus caught his arm and pulled him back down into the chair. Before Sirius could say anything, Remus's lips were on his, tongue probing, begging entrance. Sirius shivered and moaned deep in his throat as Remus's hands went to his hair and his neck, pulling him closer.

And I didn't mean to meet you then

when we were just kids.

I didn't mean to give you chills

the way that I kiss.

I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did.

And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did.

London, September 1981:

It had been a month since Sirius had left and the bedroom still felt so empty without him. Remus picked up the old guitar Sirius had given him a few years earlier so that they could learn to play together. When he'd bought the motorbike, his passion for music seemed to be forgotten and the guitar lay in the closet unused. Remus had recently picked up the hobby again. He would do anything to keep his mind off of Sirius. But maybe he didn't really want to.

I'm sittin here tryin to entertain myself

with this old guitar.
But with all my inspiration gone

it's not gettin me very far.
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you.
Oh please baby won't you take my hand,

we've got nothin left to prove.

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did.
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did.
And I didn't mean to fall in love, But I did.
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did.

Don't say you didn't love me back,

'cause I know you did.
No you didn't mean to love me back.

But you did.