Hold On

I sat in the large armchair in my room, sipping on some Scotch and playing the day's events over and over in my mind. Dreadful day, it was. I can't tell you when all of this started, because I would have to tell you the story of my life. However, I can tell you all that happened today. Ernie MacMillan, an old schoolmate from Hogwarts, came by to pay me a visit. Needless to say, I welcomed him with open arms. Ernie and I had fought together in the Great Battle, the day "Voldemort" became only a name. I had Ernie stay over for lunch, but halfway through, he received an owl and Flooed away. My eldest daughter, Danica, fell under his newly gained charms. She's a wonderful teenager, Danica, always having mood swings, always being rude to her superiors. She looks a lot like her mother, except for the color of her hair. But my youngest daughter, Shayleigh, hated Ernie: she claims that she saw dark shadows hovering atop his shoulders. I should call Dumbledore and tell him about that. Kierkan, my son, didn't say anything to or about Ernie. I have the feeling he didn't even see the man. Crazy guy, Kierkan, fights all the time. Reads a lot too. People say he's my exact replica. Anyway, back to today's events. At around dinnertime, I heard some noise coming from the wine cellar. I don't know how I knew it was the wine cellar, but I told the kids to start without me and went downstairs. I felt someone hit me on the back of the head, and fell unconscious. When I woke up, I was securely tied to a stone pillar, and in front of me, Ernie MacMillan was drinking my best wine. I asked him what was going on, and he told me I'd find out soon enough. He wasn't lying. A few moments later, his face contorted in pain, and he slowly transformed into someone I thought I'd never see again in my life. Ghost. He was an old schoolmate as well. I can't even remember his name; I don't think he ever told me what it was. He was three years older than me, but we chatted a lot, and when he graduated, we kept in touch. I had heard that he had been sent to Azkaban, had escaped, and then was killed. That was why I was so surprised to see him in my wine cellar. He told me, while twirling a dagger that had a tiger-shaped hilt, that he wanted to cause me as much pain as I had caused him. I had killed his wife, he would kill my family, he said. I think he was married to Jasmine Brown, Lavender's older sister. Jas had crossed to the dark side during the War, and I had been forced to kill her, to protect my girlfriend, who was pregnant with Kierkan at the time. Then, Ghost started a rhythmic chant, in some ancient language that I didn't understand, and made a tiny cut in his wrist, causing blood to flow. The only word I did make out of his spell was my daughter's name, Danica. He was calling her to him, just as he had called me, he explained when he was done. I went crazy with fear and anger. I couldn't, I wouldn't let him lay a finger on my Danica! With some power unknown to me, I broke the binds that held me and pounced on Ghost. We tumbled over, in a mass of jumbled limbs. I started punching him wherever I could reach, not caring about the hits he got on my face. He pushed me off him with incredible strength, and I slammed against the pillar I had been tied to. Dazed, I saw my opponent take a long swig out of a flask he had pulled from his cloak. Too late, I realized it was Polyjuice Potion. He slowly transformed back into Ernie MacMillan. However, it was not good for him, because Ernie had suffered greatly during the War, and his body moved very slowly. I got to my feet, grabbed the dagger that had fallen to the floor and walked decidedly towards my enemy. He smiled a distant smile, and told me that my "family will be destroyed with this kill". I growled at him, not understanding, and plunged the dagger in his stomach, burying even the hilt in his flesh. Blood poured onto my hands, but I paid it no heed. I was too intent on watching the flicker of life go out in my prey's eyes. It finally did, and the body slumped in my arms, and then slipped to the ground. The dagger was still in my hands, dropping a few drops of blood from the tip. I heard someone gasp behind me, and glass breaking. I turned around, filled with dread, and saw what I feared the most: Danica was standing on the topmost step, tears in her eyes, and blood on her hand. She was still holding shards of glass in her fingers. She clenched her fist, drawing blood from her palm. I gently called out her name, but she just shook her head and ran off. My entrails disappeared when I realized that this was what Ghost had meant! Danica, my dear, sweet Danica would be forever scarred by this. Kierkan could take it better than her, seeing as he knew of the horror of the murders I had to commit during the War, and Shayleigh wouldn't understand a thing. Danica, however, was the most vulnerable to this. I felt like dirt, having exposed her to such vile images. I called the Emergency Patrol of the Ministry, and stayed up late, clearing things over.

~*~

You keep your distance
I can't deny you

All of that happened a month ago, but I still wake up at night, drenched in sweat, at the idea that someone could try to hurt my kids again. When that happens, I run to Kierkan's room, make sure he's okay, and then to Shayleigh's room to make sure she's still sleeping. But when I get to Danica's room, magical wards prevent me from coming through. Her excuse is that she is now too old for her father to check on her, that she can defend herself, and that Kierkan is closer if she needs anything. She barely talks to me during that day, never looks me in the eye, and avoids me all the time. Her answers to my questions are distant, vague. I can see she wants to stay away from me, and I can't deny her that feeling. I mean, I murdered someone before her eyes! How could she stay close to me after that?
I got the feeling
Can't satisfy you

I tried giving her presents. I sent her to a psychiatrist. I sent her away for two weeks to Martial Arts Magical Camp. I apologized, I sat down with her and told her the whole story, I justified my actions, and apologized over and over again, yet I can't help but feel she thinks I'm weak. I did everything Shayleigh told me to do for her sister; I even threw her an enormous surprise birthday party, yet I have this nagging feeling that I'll never be able to satisfy her wishes. I sent her away for four weeks to her aunt's place, where she can forget about what she saw in the wine cellar for a while.
I got your picture on the wall
I got the picture long gone

I sit in front of the fireplace and let my eyes roam the living room. Pictures of Kierkan, Danica and Shayleigh decorate the walls everywhere. I go to the section of the picture gallery that is reserved for pictures of Danica growing up. Here she is at the hospital, one hour old. Here she is on her first day of muggle kinder garden, reaching out to her mother. Here she is watching a Quidditch game at Hogwarts during her second year. Here she is buying a new wand at the end of her fifth year. Here she is at Kierkan's graduation, a couple of month ago. Here she is in our garden with a butterfly on her nose. And here she is, sixteen years old, sitting on our family swing next to me, with her head on my shoulder. And here she is, in the doorway, staring intensively at me. I open my mouth to say something. She doesn't move, still as a muggle picture. As soon as her name leaves my lips, she walks away. The picture is gone.
You keep your wishes
I'll keep my feelings

I often tried to ask Danica what she wanted me to do, but she never answered. Kierkan often tried to convince me to tell Danica how I felt, but I never could. She remained mute to my questions, and my feelings stayed stuck in my throat. I was enduring the same pain as she was, maybe slightly different, but we were as hurt as the other.
There goes along the one
That kept me breathing

Danica, the reason I killed a man, my first daughter, my own ray of light is fading from my view. She's steadily drifting away from me, and I feel like the world is closing in around me. I can't help but dread the day she'll stop talking to me completely. How am I to survive if a chunk of my heart, of my very being is torn away from me?
I'm waiting for you
I know you're leaving

For some reason, I imagine that Danica will come to me, even for a short while, to say goodbye. I know that after her graduation, which will be at the end of this school year, Danica will keep straying farther away from me, until she leaves me completely, and goes to live with someone else, a husband or a flat mate.
I still adore you
You never need me

No matter how much Danica is cold to me, no matter how far she goes from me, my love, my adoration for her will not lessen one bit. She has had too much of an impact on my life for me to stop adoring the very ground she walks on. But my Danica, wounded by what she saw and hardened by it, doesn't need me anymore. I must not forget that she is almost of age, that my Danica is a woman, strong and independent. She doesn't need me anymore, Daddy has become useless...

Hold on
I've found another way to let you go
away

I know how to let you go away Danica: by telling myself that you can live without me. After all, you are not the one who watched your daughter take her first steps. You're not the one that winced every time your daughter fell. You're not the one that rushed your daughter to the hospital when she was sick or severely wounded. I did all of this to you, but now, you can do this by yourself.
Hold on
You've found another way to bleed my soul
Away

By distancing yourself from me, Danica, you're slowly tearing me apart. Sure, I have Kierkan and Shayleigh, and I love them as much as humanly possible. But you, Danica, you, who are slowly using your own wings and flying away from me, are bleeding my soul with every flap of your wings. And I'm afraid that, by the time you land and stop flying, my soul will be dry.

The things you told me
To hear you speak

And then one day, Danica lost her temper because of my intent stares her way. She started crying about how her father was a murdered, and how bad she felt because she was the reason I had killed a man, and how horrible the scene had been, and about the evil glint in my eyes when I had buried the dagger into the body Ghost had taken. But just to hear her speak to me without anger or fear in her voice was worth the ghastly feelings that settled in my gut when I later replayed the conversation in my mind.
I'm burning slowly
I'm growing weak

Danica isn't talking to me anymore; I barely hear her voice in the house at all. It's driving me mad that I don't know what's going on in her mind. I want to know how she feels, if she needs anything. I just want to be in the same room with her. I want to see her smile; I want to hear her hiss her witty, rude remarks at me. I even want her to yell that she hates me! I just want to know if she remembers I exist. I can't take her silence anymore, and I'm feeling weak, drained emotionally: Shayleigh still talks to me, since she doesn't know what happened, only that a man was found dead in our wine cellar, but our conversations become grimmer and grimmer; she told me Danica's boyfriend had dumped her with no apparent reason, and that Danica was sick a lot. Kierkan is immersed in his exams, since he is trying to get into Leidan-Adma Academy for Magical Law Enforcement. He still talks to me about his studies, but his concerns go to Danica more and more.

You bring me closer to yesterday
Yesterday's a million miles away

Danica came home with her hair dyed flaming red. She looks so much like her sister right now. She looked so innocent, so un-scarred when Kierkan and Shayleigh gushed over her head. She looked as sweet and happy as in the picture of Shayleigh's first birthday. She smiled when Kierkan said she looked like their mom. When I heard that, memories of Ginny flew into my mind. It seemed just like yesterday when we started dating, our first kiss, the day we found out about her pregnancy, our wedding, the kids being born. She died in a car accident when Shay was two years old. That means it was twelve years ago. Kierkan had just started Hogwarts, and Danica was in her final year of Muggle School. The times had been hard on all of us, especially Kierkan and Shayleigh. I was brought back to the present by the sound of Danica tripping over the stairs while running to the bathroom. Kierkan ran to her and helped her up. Shayleigh followed them up the stairs, and I hear Danica vomit violently. Shayleigh yelled at me not to come up, so I sat down, waiting for them to come back. I tried to recall other memories of Ginny when she was alive, but now, yesterday seemed to have gone a million miles away from me.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't I see you?

Danica has been moved to the hospital, where she had begged her doctor not to tell me what was happening unless her situation was critical. Unbelievably, the doctor agreed! I'm thinking about suing her after Danica comes home. I repeatedly told Danica that I was there for her if she ever needed anything, but she just kept saying that she only had Kierkan and Shayleigh.

The nurse comes to me and tells me Danica's state is worsening, and that she needs blood. Since I have her blood type, I sat on the comfortable chair and watched as the vital liquid left my body in a transparent tube. The doctor tells me that Danica will be all right, and that I needn't worry about her. However, Danica has asked that I not be allowed in her room, thus I am not allowed to go check on her. I knew my daughter didn't trust me anymore, but that was a strong blow to my heart.
And I don't understand
What keeps me breathing

Danica's state worsened. I am now allowed to sit in her room, watching her unconscious struggle to stay alive. Kierkan told me that Ivan, Danica's boyfriend, had gotten her pregnant, and had transmitted a strange new disease to her. Then he had dumped her and refused to claim the child as his own. Danica was four month pregnant, and she had been using charms to hide her round belly. Now the disease that was slowly eating at her heart and brain was killing her, but would not consume her totally unless the baby is out of her body. The spawn of Danica's killer was saving her. How ironic. The body would stay alive until the pregnancy comes to an end, but then would be consumed by the illness. Danica, my baby, was going to die in five months! The world is closing in around me, blackness surrounds me, I can't breathe! Yet, I am still alive.
I'm waiting for you
I know you're leaving

I keep nurturing this crazy hope that you might vanquish the virus and save yourself. You are carrying a girl, a baby girl who will grow up with no father and no mother. You are now eight months pregnant. Shayleigh is being home schooled so she can see you everyday. Kierkan goes to University two days a week for ten hours every day. He studies hard, works hard -yes, he has a job as a P.E teacher in your old muggle school- and still has time to see you. I still have my old job, but I work from here, your hospital room. I now you're leaving us in a month, but I can't stand the idea of you leaving without knowing how much I love you, and how sorry I am for everything I made you endure.
I'll still adore you
You'll never need me

You're due in a week and a half. You'll be dead in a week and a half. No matter how far death will take you, my fondness, my love, my affection, my adoration for you will not lessen one bit. I have decided to take care of the baby girl, your daughter. We -Kierkan, Shayleigh and I- have decided to name her Virginia Danica Ginevra. Virginia because that's what your mother and I wanted to call you before deciding on your actual name. I'm sure that if you were alive to take care of your daughter, you would have done great, even without me. You never did need me, did you? You are so much like your mother: you give the illusion of fragility, yet you are strong and independent. And I so hope your daughter will grow to be like you, my darling child.

Hold on
I've found another way to let you go
Away

I can let you go by erasing my memories of you: your first seconds in the world, the first word you spoke, your first day at Hogwarts, the day you fell and cut your wrist and thought that you would die...all of these memories I must forget in order to let you go, and in order for me to move on with my life. I will never do that; I will never let you go.
Hold on
You've found another way to bleed my soul
Away

You're dead. Your funeral was very hard for me, and for your siblings. We're back home now, and it's empty. You bled my soul away, you sucked it dry, and I feel so miserable now that you're gone.

Hold on...

The baby grabs onto my finger and tugs gently. Virginia's two months old now, and her hair seems to be the same color as Danica's and mine. I look around me, and my eyes fall onto a picture of her taken two days before the wretched murder. The look in her eyes is distant and her smile is slightly sad. My eyes fill with tears, as I grab the picture frame and show it to Virginia.

"That's your mother," I whisper to her. I look at my Danica in the frame intently. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, for everything. I'll always love you." Tears fall from my eyes and onto the baby's hand. I look away from the picture to gently wipe the drops off my cheek and Virginia's wrist. When I look back to the picture, the scenery is changed. Danica is standing in a green, flowery meadow, wearing a light yellow gown, her hair waving with the wind. Another figure, a woman, comes up behind her: it's Ginny! I nearly drop both the frame and the baby as Ginny smiles at me.

"I love you, dad, and I forgive you for everything," Danica says to me. I nod, still crying, and look at Ginny, who's waving at me.

"I love you, and always will," she whispers. Her red hair is pulled back into a braid, and her sky blue toga moves slightly with the breeze. I hear Virginia laughing, and I look at her: she's smiling widely at the picture frame. I look back at it, but the old picture of Danica is back. Her smile is no longer sad, and her eyes have a bright twinkle to them. Shayleigh and Kierkan run into the living room, eyes shining with tears. Danica and Ginny spoke to us all. I kissed my granddaughter on the forehead, tears still pouring out of my eyes, happy tears mingles with sad one.

"Now that you've met your mother and grandmother, welcome to the world, Virginia Danica Ginevra Malfoy."

Draco Malfoy.