If Only Tears

It had been three weeks since Harry had come back to his horrible aunt and uncle at Privet Drive. Like every summer, he was miserable. At least they didn't lock my trunk away, Harry thought.

Apparently, the Order's threats had stuck in the Dursleys' minds. They allowed Harry to have his things in his room, except for his Firebolt. Hedwig was available for owl post, but he didn't feel like sending any letters. Harry had received mail from his friends, but he still had a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. Trying not to think about the Department of Mysteries, Harry opened his trunk and began looking for a book on Quidditch.

He dug through robes, quills, and school books when he stopped. He had dug to the bottom of the side of this trunk when he saw the broken glass...the remaining shards of the two-way mirror his godfather had given him...Abandoning all thoughts of Quidditch, Harry picked several of the shards up and stared at the broken reflection looking back at him. He wanted so much to not feel the pain, the emptiness...

How will I start
Tomorrow without you here
Who's heart will guide me
When all the answers disappear

Harry sighed and shifted the broken pieces carefully around in his hand. Guilt flooded his conscience and soon it swept over his mind. Why did he feel so guilty? Because it was your stupidity that killed Sirius, a voice in the back of his head nagged. You dragged him into this when he really had no reason to be involved...Just like it was with Cedric...

Is it too late
Are you too far gone to stay
This one's forever
Should never have to go away

Harry shook his head. No, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, he argued silently.

Because of you! the other voice continued.

Frustrated, Harry closed his eyes and clenched his fists, hoping to clear the voices away. That voice could be Voldemort, for all he knew...

His eyes slowly opened and he brought his right fist up, opening it gradually. The blood shone red and the pain seared through his palm. Harry dropped the pieces to the floor and grabbed an old shirt from under his bed to stop the bleeding.

That voice wasn't Voldemort; he knew that. That voice...It was his own conscience telling him it was his fault. Harry knew he couldn't go on like this, blaming himself every two seconds. Sirius had been his godfather and friend. He had been his dad's best friend. Suddenly, it sank deeper into Harry--Lupin was the only Marauder left. Pettigrew wasn't even worth counting. But Lupin...Lupin was all Harry had left as a connection to his dad.

What will I do
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through

Nothing was going right anymore. First, his parents died...then he watched Quirrel suffer at the hand of Voldemort...He witnessed Cedric's unnecessary murder...And now--Now Sirius was gone forever...

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me

At Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the Order was just settling down for the night. Upstairs, Lupin could faintly hear Mad-Eye, Arthur, and a few other members talking, but he had no desire to join them. He was staring out the window at the dark navy sky. There were barely any stars and the half moon was covered by moving gray clouds.

"Remus?" It was Tonks, standing at the doorway. Through the darkness of the room, she saw Lupin sitting by the window, his face towards the sky and his body hunched over in defeat. "Remus...I know what you're thinking about, and--"

"I wasn't," said Lupin simply.

Tonks sniffed and he could tell she had been crying. "Oh, I just thought...I mean." She took a deep breath and sighed. "It's been on all of our minds," she rushed. "I was thinking about...about something he said once and--" She broke off, shaking her head. "I don't even know why I'm crying. I barely knew him, but still--"

"He died a hero's death. And I wasn't thinking about him," he insisted quietly.

Tonks stopped and wished Lupin would look back at her. Say something comforting. Anything..."You're sad, I know it."

"Of course I am. He was one of my closest friends."

"I haven't seen you cry. Not once," Tonks said confused, and almost angry. She didn't understand how he could remain so calm through such a tragedy. Lupin didn't reply.

I'd cry you an ocean
If you'd sail on home again
Wings of emotion
Will carry you, I know they can

"Tears will not bring him to life again," Lupin sighed.

Tonks looked down. An awkward silence filled the room. "I should get to bed." She turned to go and when he said nothing, she left. I guess tears aren't the only signs of remorse, she thought. Or grief. Or sadness...

Just light will guide you
And your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting
Into the arms of your true north

Lupin turned his head slightly and saw that she was gone. He turned his head back to the sky. The clouds slowly drifted apart to reveal the shining silver moon. It wasn't full, but Lupin still felt a shiver down his spine.

And as the moonlight grazed Lupin's gentle face, fresh, silent tears continued to fall as they had done so for the past hour...for the past three weeks, ever since Sirius had fallen. Why did you leave, Padfoot?

Look in my eyes
And you will see a million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry

Elsewhere in the house, Ron was trying to sleep but being inside the old Black house reminded him of the horror they had faced just weeks ago and the tragedy that had been slowly sinking in. Ron hadn't thought much about Sirius's death until the latest tear-splotched letter he had received from Hermione:

Dear Ron,

Hello, how are you doing? I'm looking forward to seeing you, Harry, and everyone else again. Although I am worried about Harry...Have you heard from him lately? He really seems to be shutting everyone out. He's had a lot to go through though...

I've just been really thinking about Sirius...I can't believe he's gone. I can't imagine what Harry and Lupin are going through. It must be horrible. I wish there was something I could do, but all it seems I've been able to do is cry.

I look forward to meeting up again.

Love from, Hermione.

And Ron knew she felt helpless. Hermione always wanted to help. Now there was nothing she could do...And there was nothing he could do to help her.

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me

The bleeding had nearly stopped in Harry's hand as he removed the remaining pieces of glass from his trunk. He wasn't ready to throw them away, but he didn't know what else to do.

Harry arranged the pieces on his bed. He could imagine Sirius's face staring back at him. He wanted so much to talk to Sirius and see him alive. Carefully, Harry gathered all of the broken shards from the floor and began to wrap them up in the brown paper Sirius had used to wrap the mirror in the first place.

He quickly turned his face away so that the tears wouldn't soak through the paper. Don't cry, he told himself. Just...

"Don't," he said aloud.

I hold you close
And shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance, for one last dance
There's nothing that I would not give and more

Despite his efforts to hold the emotions in, the tears fell harder. Harry couldn't remember the last time he had cried so much...Not when Ron had sacrificed himself in the giant chess game...Not when the basilisk had almost killed him...Not even when Pettigrew revealed he had helped bring Voldemort back to life. After all that Harry had been through, he thought that he would be stronger...

Harry wanted to give up. He couldn't fight and expect to win. He was just one teenage boy. What chance did he have?

He turned back to his open trunk and saw a shiny gold Galleon...It was the one Hermione had enchanted for every member of the D.A.

And that's when he realized he wasn't alone. He knew he had his friends by him no matter what. Harry took the enchanted Galleon and tossed it up and down in his uncut, left hand. The tears continued to come as he stared absentmindedly at the opposing wall.

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway...

A small smile flickered across Harry's face as he thought about the D.A., all of his friends, and everything he had to look forward to at Hogwarts. The tears slowed and were gone for now, but Harry knew there'd be more.

Sirius had not died in vain, but in fact, he had died heroically. "He died in battle, an' tha's the way he'd've wanted ter go..." Harry remembered Hagrid had said.

Harry tossed the Galleon back into his trunk, turned off the light, and lay down. He put the wrapped up shards carefully beside the Galleon. It was only the beginning of the many sleepless nights to come...

...If my tears could bring you back...

... to me...